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Rant about my life

Posted February 28th, 2014 at 09:15 AM by DarkHorse4eva
Updated March 2nd, 2014 at 07:23 AM by DarkHorse4eva

this is my first blog post and i guess i should use it on telling about me...

a lot of you know me, but a lot of you don't and maybe that should change...

I'm 16 now, from Denmark, and i'm gay.
I've been here for a 2 years time now. I've been close to quitting VT, but i guess i love being here to much

I have a boyfriend, who i met here, we've been together for almost 3 months, I'm grateful for every moment I have with him. i love him more than anything, and i actually think he's "the one".
he knows my flaws, my past and all the things I've fucked up, and still he loves me. my life goal so far is meeting him. it's not gonna be easy, since he lives in Ohio, USA and i live here in stupid little Denmark :/
i know things are early, and that we got our whole life ahead, but i want to marry him. i want to spend forever with him, I want to wake up by his side, every morning and kiss him goodnight, ever night. i want to grow old with him. i want to be by his side, when one of us dies. he means everything to me, more than anything ever have, and anything ever will.

I started having a depression and suicide thoughts when i was 7, that's about 8 years ago and it's been a very long time. I have no idea what could have started it, but i just remember my favorite band saved my life back then. (for those who don't know. it's Nickelback). 6 years ago, i was diagnosed with autism and anxiety, and 2 months ago i was diagnosed with depression. The autism and anxiety diagnose, i wrong and the depression is now gone. about 2 years ago, i got my very first friend ever, who is also my boyfriend now. since then some have changed, now i got a couple friends, some left, some stayed and one died. life have been good, life have been bad. hopefully the friends i have now, will stay.

I've been through a lot, and i regret a lot of things, both things i did wrong, or bad, but also things i should have done. like, i regret not asking my boyfriend out a year ago, or starting to cut.

when i was 6, my brothers told me they were sorry that i was born. I've been thinking the same, and I've been agreeing with them, all until some months ago. i met a guy on twitter, and he became one of my best friend. a brother to me. he helped me survive. i can thank him for staying alive, until his death, and i can thank my boyfriend and some of my very best friends, that i survived his death.

I've been through a lot, lost a lot, and been hurt a lot. there might be a lot of people out there, including my boyfriend, who have been through more, through worse things, for a longer time than me. but that doesn't mean my problems aren't important. at least, that's what I've been told...
I always put others needs and problems way ahead of my own, people say I shouldn't do it, but I guess it's just who I am.

I got huge past, so i think i should also talk end this post, about the future.

I plan on visiting my boyfriend soon, maybe take a year in college, just so i can be with him. I then plan on living with him permanent, probably in USA or wherever he want's to live. I want to marry him after a few years living with him. and I want kids, but that's gonna be when i'm in my 30's or 40's or whenever my boyfriend is ready for it.
I have no idea what i want to do for a living, i hope some musician or something like that.

I promised my best friend to stay alive forever, and I promised my boyfriend to stay with him forever.
and I'm going to keep those promises, forever.

I guess I should finish off with some words or something special....

It's okay to break down, as long as you get up again.
Everybody is different, so don't compare yourself with others.

And as my best friend always said: "We always see the worst in our self, while others always try to see the best" it was one of my last words with him, and those words will always have a special place in my heart.

I want to give a special thanks to a few people that is very close to my heart: My amazing boyfriend, Mattie. My best friend, Mason, may he rest in peace. My other best friends, Crystal, may she be save, wherever she is right now and Charlie, he's going through tough times once in a while. My "sisters" Zephyr and Hallie, may they get a long and happy life together. And at last, my "brother" Alex, may he and his boyfriend get a long and happy life together.
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