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Teenageapplelover is like the alter ego of the real me that is willing to share his innermost thoughts with the world. It's my escape from the enclosed conservative castle I'm living in. This is my blog where I can and will say anything.
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best friend?

Posted June 15th, 2013 at 07:07 PM by teenageapplelover

I started to write a post about how happy I am most days––which is true, I'm really happy with where I am now––but it's not what I wanted to write about. These feelings in a friendship I cherish and how they came about are what I want to write about.

I won't be using his name but I will provide a brief description. He's a ginger, he has a skin condition which makes his skin like sandpaper, he's about a month older than me, he is absolutely brilliant, he is a prude (i.e., he does not talk about sex or girls unless really pushed to--and even then he doesn't say much; however, he does occasionally make the dirty joke or suggestive wink), he's a liberal, he's an athlete, and he is a Christian.

I didn't truly realize he was my best friend until recently. I had been his friend since fifth grade, close friends in middle school, and I hadn't paid nearly enough attention to him until right about a quarter into this year when I realized I had been essentially ignoring him. We've spent a lot of time together and I trust him completely. I think he trusts me but here's where the conflict comes in. I really don't know how he feels half the time.

Some days I talk to him, or he will say or do something and I just know we are best friends. He never texted until this year and I'm the person he texts the most (almost exclusively). He has shared with me some things I feel like he wouldn't share with many people. He's said we are best friends.

But I'm naturally insecure about friendships (because I am constantly in fear of loneliness) so I just don't know. He absolutely refuses to touch me. He doesn't cuddle. He won't give me a hug. He is extremely modest around me when it comes to removing clothing (which he is in general but it seems around me it's worse). These rejections hurt me because my love languages primarily include touch. I need that physical reassurance of an emotional bond--not sex, but a hug or something. I need the literal "i am so glad we are friends. I love you" spelled out for me. He's not that kind of guy.

Which is true, I think, but then he will give other friends he's not as close with a hug (other guys too, so its not like he's reserving it for girls or something) or something else that he would reject from me.

The most significant example is something I just learned about recently which has sent me into another insecurity tirade. He is a part of several sports teams (I'm not) and that brotherhood is something I've always been jealous of, but not extremely until hearing this story. He was over at a teammates house with about half the team and he went skinny dipping with them--he was actually one of the first to jump in. This from the kid who literally won't change his shorts around me when we went camping. (It doesn't help that I've always wanted to skinny dip and never have-- which makes me jealous!) What the hell? You can be that vulnerable with a team that doesn't really have many of your friends on it but not with someone who is supposed to be your closest friend?

So I come up with theories. Maybe he's afraid of my sexuality? I am an effeminate guy, I do tease him about being attractive (he's a good looking boy!) and I am just generally bromantic with my friends. But he isn't the type to be homophobic, I don't think--he's a liberal. Plus, he knows I'm straight.

Maybe this is a mind game. He wants me to know we are close friends without having to spell it out or being showy. So he denies my hugs or emotional statements but turns around and will hug some other friend or say I love you to another friend (I remember being on the phone with him as he helped me and a friend with math––I said thanks ___, we love you! He responded "I love you, --friend who isn't matt--.") These situations really hurt me, frankly. Maybe he sees it a joke, or maybe it is conscious... I don't know.

Now, its been a little over a week since schools been out and I haven't hung out with him (and I have with basically all my other close friends).

So I am left wondering––are we best friends? are we really bros? I don't know.

I don't know how to ask him. I don't know how to tell him that he makes me sad and that I don't feel appreciated by him. I am afraid the answer will be "fuck off, I don't like you that much."

Somebody tell me how to address these problems!
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