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I hate myself...

Posted April 9th, 2009 at 12:45 PM by Underground_Network

I don't know why, but I just hate myself. Maybe its because I know I could make my life better, but I'm too lazy to. Maybe its because I see myself as a terrible person. Maybe its just programmed into my mind... Who knows?

I just hate myself for being so stupid, for lacking motivation and work ethic, for not caring when I should care, for being so shy, so antisocial, and so fucked up. But I also get confused at myself when it comes to my goals...

I want to help people who need it most, I don't want to see anyone hurt, I don't want to see anyone die, I hate seeing bad things happen to innocent people. I want to protect the innocent and guide them; fuck, its similar to the main character in the Catcher in the Rye. But I don't want to help children becoming adults, I want to help anyone and everyone who's "innocent" in the sense that they don't deserve to be harmed or killed (which, from certain viewpoints, would be everyone).

But still, despite these goals, I can't help myself. I mean, I've been successful in a sense in my goals, in that I've tried to help people and I have helped them, but I know I could do so much more. That and despite my ability to help others I can't [am unwilling to] do anything to make my life better...

And also, I preach against suicide and against even contemplating, and yet I think about suicide every day. I tell people to see the good in life and take on an optimistic perspective, but yet I myself see every day pessimistically and live my life in a depressed and confused state.

I don't know if I deserve to help people if I can't even help myself. I don't know I can actually help people if I can't even help myself. As per usual, I just don't know anything any more.

I always have bouts like this where I feel clueless and depressed, but I want them to stop. I want to be able to help people and be able to be true and helpful to myself as well. I want to live a life in which I can be at least moderately happy with WHO I AM and what I'm doing; but I don't know if that's even a possibility...
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  1. Old Comment
    Adam, you will make it through this. I always say this, but that is exactly how I used to feel and I still feel like that quite often (but I've got better). I don't know how to help you with this to be honest, because I really haven't changed my life that much (although I've become much less antisocial). You will come around in the next couple years.
    Posted April 9th, 2009 at 02:58 PM by theOperaGhost theOperaGhost is offline

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