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wiip
January 28th, 2011, 08:26 PM
Am I manic depressive?

I get mood swings. WILD mood swings. But I don't act on them: never ever, never. My head tells me not to. Not with a voice, just an intangible fact like the ground is down and the sky is blue. But I feel this intense weight on me sometimes; an almost physical pushing down on my shoulders or my chest, like I'm in a shrinking shirt. Good and bad things can happen, slightly affecting my local mood, my direct emotions, but I'll still be down...

Then there are ups: for no reason, randomly, I skyrocket: feeling so good. Bad things could be happening, but it's all 'who cares? Shizz happens. Get on with your life and enjoy it while you can!'. It's great.

It started a few years ago; maybe when I was about 13? I suddenly lost all emotion. Bang! Gone. I don't know how, why or when exactly, but it would have shocked me, if I could have felt shock. Now, the lack of direct emotions passed in a few hours or a day. But I've never really got all of my deep, deep emotions back. No matter how bad it gets, I can't even cry. When my grandmother died, despite how much I loved her, I didn't get it. I had the concept, and there was a wee pang of regret and sadness that I would never get to talk to her again (she was great), but no deep sorrow like I should have had. I felt much sadder when my dog died about four or five years before it, or when a really friendly lady we knew died. But those were before my emotions went, and Grandma went after.

I think the lack of emotions might have been triggered by a long period of bullying. I was a bit of an idiot, too clever for my own good, but no common sense; ran around, bumped into walls, read like a mad thing, wouldn't shut up... And so, everyone hated me. Everywhere it went, it was "Andrew, shut up!" and "OMFG you're so annoying!". I had precious few friends. I was recently informed by a mate that I had punched him in the face after he told me to shut up when I drowned him out, apparently crying "Don't be like them!!!". What the f***? Why would I do that to my mate? Makes no sense to me now. He's still a good friend. But everywhere I went, it was verbal abuse. I seem to remember the bus to band was hell. over an hour of sitting in a bus, trying to read or play on my phone while some arseholes hated on you, sometimes stealing your stuff... it all doesn't seem that bad to me now, but back then it all stacked up- it was everywhere! Escapes were precious and far too few. And then all feeling went.

It was probably about a year after the lack of emotions that the mood swings started- very long and slow. But I became volatile. Apparently I lashed out a few times (a guy playfully pinched my timetable in French class and jokingly held it out of my reach, taunting me. Other than the occasional awkwardness like that, we got on well. Really weirdly posh bloke. but when he pinched my timetable I punched him full on in the face. He realised he crossed a line, and I realised I'd overreacted. All was forgiven until the girl in front pointed out that he was bleeding. Turns out I'd smacked the bridge of his glasses into his nose. I felt so guilty, and got in so much trouble. That was just one lash-out.) But in the past year they've become noticeable. They've gone from every month or so to almost weekly, and today, I was way up at at lunch, and after one maths period I was miserable and pessimistic. This was contributed to by a subconscious rejection from the girl I love, I suppose. What's going on?

So what does this all mean? Help, guys!

Thanks x

Quahog
January 28th, 2011, 08:33 PM
You're going to have to speak to a counselor or a psychologist. As they would be the only people to diagnose you with bi-polar, or depression. If you have those thoughts you should talk to a professional and they will be able to help you.

Syvelocin
January 28th, 2011, 08:40 PM
You'll want to identify whether the possibility is bipolar disorder or borderline. The two are similar with the mood swing aspect, but mood swings in bipolar disorder are usually longer periods instead of mood swings (happy *snap* depressed). Bipolar disorder consists of a manic phase and a depression phase (there is a just manic, a just depressed, and a mixed type, Bipolar I, Bipolar II, and Mixed) and sometimes the manic phase is accompanied by delusions (feelings of great self-worth, "I can do anything") and hallucinations.

Borderline has sparratic, quick mood swings followed by some other symptoms like risky behaviours (drug abuse, unprotected sex, binge eating), being scared of being alone, self-destructive acts (overdosing, self-harm), low self-esteem, and paranoia.

They are very similar when you think about it. That's why, with this disorder, I recommend talking to a professional about it more than others really, to identify it.

The trick to tell the difference, in my opinion, is that bipolar disorder's symptoms for each phase will only happen while you're in that phase. The only time I think I'm the best piece of shit in the world is when I'm manic. I hate myself when I'm in a depression period. I also don't hallucinate unless I am in that "up" phase. I'm bouncing off the walls, talking so fast that no one can understand me, etc. The depression period is just like your average clinical depression, but the periods of depression are shorter.

Borderline doesn't have those phases, so the symptoms would occur no matter the circumstances. Borderline is a personality disorder, bipolar is a mood disorder.