View Full Version : What's happening to me?

July 31st, 2009, 07:28 PM
It's a long story, so for those who can't be bothered to read - don't blame you.

I've always been a weird person and I've always had problems becoming more of a social person.
Almost 2 years ago I fell in love, which is an incredibly big deal for me. I never fully trusted anyone, but after the power of love took over - I did. I completely changed. I became more social, I was much more happy and I felt alive. After a year - kabloom. It all went away. Obviously the girl I was in love with had lost all feelings for me (at least that's what she said). I couldn't get over her and still can't. I hate her for what she did to me, but in the same time, I still love her.
Anyway - after the break up... well... I broke. The first few months felt like hell but it's nothing compared to what I've become now. I, literary, hate being around my family and sometimes even my friends. I've become completely anti social and have lost any trust in people. There are just times when anger takes so much control over me I feel like I'm going to explode.
A few months ago I have started constantly talking to myself and an "imaginary" friend I have (sounds childish, but somehow I just picture talking to another person, which I've made up myself). I often whisper to myself, I sometimes hear whispers in my head and every day everything is starting to make less sense for me. I don't feel like nothing I do is normal. I constantly feel paranoid, like someone's watching me and it freaks the living hell out of me.
I'm filled with inconsiderable rage and anger all the bloody time.
And when I hear whispers or talk to myself, I don't feel like I don't like it. I just keep on doing it. But every morning when I wake up, I have a headache and repeat to myself "I have to change my life" and hate myself for being so screwed up.
My family or friends doesn't know anything about this, because I try to hide it as well as I can (and since I think of myself as an amazing liar, it goes quite well).
I want to be alone all the time, but sometimes I just realize - the more I'm alone, the more I'm starting to lose my mind.
I'm addicted to fear and often love to experience fear.

I know something is wrong.
I checked out on the internet some of those online schizophrenia tests (ya, sounds lame, but I just wanted to see how I'll do). I did 3 or 4 different tests and all of them indicated that I'm developing early stages of schizophrenia. I don't know if those tests can be trusted, but then again - there is no way in hell I'm going to go to a doctor, of which I'm terrified of.

(by the way, hi everyone, I'm new here, as you might have noticed. I'll try to pop in here as often as I can).

August 10th, 2009, 04:28 PM
hey kid, dont hide it, thats the WORST thing you can do, i know the fear and pain of being screwed over by a girl, and you may be developing skizo, but you are in the early stages, you can talk to a doctor, tell them everything, and since your not deep in it they may be able to stop it in its tracks with treatment, talk to your parents, tell them whats goin down, just talk to people, holding it inside will fuck you over there is absolutely no doubt in that