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View Full Version : I hope it's Bipolar.. Otherwise it's something much worse..


Hughesy
July 27th, 2009, 06:29 AM
For as long as I can remember I've had episodes in my life where I have had a certain mood but thought it was just normal, everyone switches between moods, it was not until I came of age and started becoming more knowledgeable that I truly questioned if it was normal. I would go through fazes of loving every minute of every day, everything I was doing was amazing, I would love my sport, love my guitar, love school everything was great. I felt like I couldn't die and if I did it wouldn't matter because I'm living the way I want. I'd splurge mass amounts of money on things I didn't need with the mentality of 'Why not?' and the biggest thing that pushed me over the edge was that while attempting to break the world record for staying awake, as I wasn't feeling fatigue that much, I saw something other people didn't.

For as long as I can remember I've had a 'voice' in my head that tells me not to try or that I'm worthless, it's not a full fledged voice, but more of a thought stream, the main difference being, when I have a 'normal' thought stream I hear my own voice in my head, but I hear a female voice when I have my depressive thoughts, anyway, I had been awake for 4 days and came face to face with the girl I had been hearing, a tall woman with long blonde perfectly straight hair, a red jumper and white slacks, blue eyes and a perfect smile. It wasn't until I noticed my friends looking at me strange that I realised what was happening. I had said aloud, things like, "I know you from somewhere." "What's your name?" "Where do I know you from?", she spoke back to me like a normal person would, after seeing the reactions of my friends I could hear her inside my head again and her image became distorted.

From then I have seen her a few times out of the corner of my eye, sticking her head around trees or from behind bushes or fences, however; I only see her in what I see as my Manic periods, during my moments of elevated depression I hear her a lot, telling me things like "You knew you would fail.." "I told you she would leave you." "You know you're worthless.". At major intervals in my life she warns me, for example I've recently meta girl who I really like and my voice has told me "Who are you trying to kid? You can't get her." "She hates you.". I've learned to filter her out as much as possible, but she's still very much there. During my depression I stay away from sports, instruments or any competitive atmosphere as I'm told I will fail, or that I'm pathetic. I lose sleep and become constantly tired and frustrated at everything.

I'm not looking for any professional opinions or anything, but I thought I'd share what I experience, just to see what people think..

damn almonds
July 27th, 2009, 08:58 AM
ooo i dont know im sorrky idk bipolar, eh? im more familiar with adhd, sorry. i tried reading it over and over and over again to see if i can catch on but i have no clue im very sorry :(

Triceratops
July 27th, 2009, 11:27 AM
Well you have a very good awareness of these you experience.

Are you currently seeing a professional? That is the only way you will find out whether you have Bipolar or not from seeking a psychiatrist.

Just a quick question, if you've learned to filter the woman out, how often does she keep coming back again? What do you do exactly to filter her out?

Hughesy
July 27th, 2009, 11:39 AM
I'm not seeing anyone, I don't see the real need. I filter her out like a sound you hear over and over. For example, my fire alarm is running off house power so it beaps every 30 seconds to let me know I need to change the batteries, at first I couldn't help but notice, but as time went on I slowly learned to ignore it, I know it's there I just don't acknowledge it. Like I said, she 'warns' me every time I make a decision, "That's the wrong choice." "I wouldn't do that.". I hear it a lot more during depressive episodes or if there has been a knock in my life, for example I thought I was going to break up with my girl friend about 8 months back and she was constantly heckling me about how I'm not good enough, is it any wonder she wants to leave me, and so forth.