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mabrown797
March 12th, 2009, 01:55 AM
I have paranoid schizophrenia. I'm 21 years old, and it just surfaced into a complete psychotic episode that lasted about 2 months. It was like a panic attack that never went away. Or being trapped in a nightmare you can't wake up from. When schizophrenia surfaces its alot like a little chickling coming out of an egg. Your perception cracks a little here and cracks a little there for a few years, or at least with my experience, and they are all different. But inevitably, it caught up with me finally and nearly blew my head apart. I suffered from hallucinations, and severe delusions about being possesed, going to hell, starting a revolution of anarchy to bring peace to the world, (yeah, I know that completely contradicts itself) but at the time it made complete sense to me. Everything did. It all connected into this like huge epiphony that encompassed every single question I ever had about our existance as humans, as spiritual beings. But the epiphony was so great, that my mind couldn't handle it. I lost my ability to reason, and called everyone I knew and rambled on about things like this " is not defying reason just defying reason? is not defying reason justifying reason?" my philosiphical journey became a complete obsession. I started researching things about astro-projection, and the surrealism movement where Salvadore Dali and a bunch of others gathered together tried to hack into their subconcious states to reveal truths about the universe. (it was a huge art/anti-art movement. some pretty interesting shit. I thought I was given a gift, of having a connection to the supernatural secrets of the world.
I remember being told by God that philosophy is a sin. That seeking the truth is the opposite of having faith in it. That philosophy is a trick of the Devil, because knowledge is a bottomless pit that never ends, and never fulfills. It always leaves us wanting more. He told me that time itself is a filtration system, like a gold pan, and those who don't hold on to matter, or what matters to them, slip through the cracks into Hell, or nothingness. He told me that everything has a polar opposite to keep everything balanced. Love and Hate. Good and evil. Lies and truth. Peace and War. Cup half empty or cup half full, happiness is all based on our perception of what is around us. In every second lies the decision to lean towards one or the other. Those who are greedy, decietful, and malicious always view things as half empty, because greed is a bottomless pit, and can never be fullfilled, which makes them unhappy no matter what. therefor, since they didn't hold onto what really matters, they will fall through the cracks. But good people will always lean more towards the cup being half full, because their love is not a selfish love, it is pure, and it fulfulls them. And gives them matter to hold on to.
He also told me that Revelation is soon to pass. but soon to God could be a thousand years. Personally, I don't think obama is in anyway the antichrist. but what do i know? all i know is what ive been told. it doesn't mean i understand it.

anyway, I was commited twice, the second time for attempted suicide. The fear you feel when it really "hatches" is unmeasurable. Maybe the fear is an instinct, a sitxth sense, or maybe its just a stupid illness im going to have to deal with the rest of my life, with the help of 8 different pills a day. I don't know any better than anyone else

thats like a tenth of the whole experience but im sick of talking about myself, and you probobly are sick of hearing about it. i just thought, that since no one else gives a fuck about my illness, like its something to be so "embarraced about" and looked down upon by everyday society, I needed to talk about it somewhere.

if anyone has any questions, dont be shy, Im not ashamed of my illness. No ones ashamed of cancer. they even get buttons and ribbons to wear so they can show off what they survived. Wheres our ribbons? oh, wait, thats right, we're supposed to keep our illness locked up inside us with no hope for a cure or even a ribbon to raise awareness to finance a possible cure. (but thats another story)