View Full Version : This is really tearing me apart!

March 10th, 2009, 03:13 PM
I've posted this a couple of times, but each time something else happens and this is a bit I haven't posted about before. (I don't really know where to put this but this seems suitable so here goes)

I basically, as much I really don't want to, love this guy. I thought I was over him a couple of months ago, and was sure about it. I couldn't careless if he looked at me or if he said he hated me or not. I was amazingly happy and upbeat. Then he looked at me a couple of times... thing is i'd convince myself it was 'not necessary to look at me'. Like his eyes would wander over to me once or twice in a convo, and occasionally i'd notice and feel him looking at me. To give a little background on him, he really really is ambiguous about his sexuality. He's definitely not gay, but there's a possibility he could be bi. However, i'm biased about this aren't I? Is there really any chance he's bi? I told him just over a year ago, we had a gigantic argument where he threatened to kill me, but he said sorry after seeing Romeo and Juliet with our drama group... but that was a year ago. Since then I have kinda grown up a bit (I was manically depressed at the time). There's always been a 'ffs, he's STRAIGHT' and then a 'oooh could be in to me' voice at some point in my head. See, he always contradicts this, he'll do something 'gay' then something real straight-like. This is SO annoying.

I really want to get over him. Am I starting to get over him? Is this some sort of relapse thing?

To give an example of his complete and utter ambiguity, at xmas he started talking to me again. this tapered off to nothing by mid-jan. Then occasionally he'd laugh at stuff i'd said. He's 'friendly' too me at the moment, but not exactly warm. He treats me like anyone else, at drama he's more warm occasionally.... Then he'll look at me. Then I think 'ooohh' and it starts again.

We were best friends before I told him (for about 4 months). I know that if he was anyone else, he'd be willing to talk it over. But I know he'd be weird about it. Like if I said can I talk about something? he'd be ok then close up. Remember we're British, and the whole reserved thing kinda applies manically to him.

Should I just try to talk to him? Like 'I need to talk to you, BECAUSE I WANT CLOSURE' because I think if he simply says 'no' (which he never did and still hasn't, it seems he's taken the 'leave it to go away method') Because if I did, I can't find any oppurtunity to outside MSN, and on MSN he can block me if I go 'can I talk to you about something?' I know it probably doesn't mean nearly as much to him as it does me, and thats kinda a problem...

Sorry this is long, but please say anything you have to say about it, I REALLY need help. I can't really take it much longer!

March 11th, 2009, 06:03 PM
So no one has any views'?

March 11th, 2009, 10:09 PM
Hmmm.....I think the dilemma is intensified b/c you NEED him to be bi or gay, you're looking/hoping that he's emotionally available that way to you. Maybe that's getting in the way here. Maybe you need to reconsider all the options.

I think there are a lot of different ways people can be close and enjoy eachother, and eventhough "love'" is perhaps the most satisfying, it''s not the only way. Maybe you'd do better if you'd consider those other ways, of having him as a 'friend', based just on what is, rather than what you want, need or hope.

Consider just hanging out with him, doing things with him, connecting with him as 'just' a friend, someone with similiar interests and such, and see what develops. Maybe you're hopes will be realized, but maybe not. But at least you'll have a chance of connecting with someone and having them as a part of your life in a way that's better than it is now, with you just hoping, but really having nothing.

March 12th, 2009, 01:31 PM
Thanks, that calmed me down. I was real worried.

But how do I make him feel comfortable around me? Because it seems he's put off because he thinks any contact means I might come onto him in some way. Do I tell him i'm over him?

March 12th, 2009, 10:25 PM
You can tell him you're over him (whatever that means) with your words, or with your actions. By behaving with boundaries and actions that clearly demonstrate a respect for his space and the changed realtionship, he'll get the message pretty quickly.

March 13th, 2009, 04:54 PM
So by not looking at him at all, basically treating him like any other person?

As a side note, today in Media, I was on a computer facing the same way as his, but there wasn't enough space for him to sit near the desk, so he was kinda away, but he kept spinning round on his chair and I caught him looking at me twice, and knew he was looking in my direction about 20 times (although a few times he looked at other peoples work).... what does this mean? Or am I reading into it too much?

March 13th, 2009, 09:55 PM
Yes, treat him just like a regular person!

It's unknown what his behavior in media meant, but be aware that your interpretation is likely influenced by your needs here, so be careful not to let your imagination get ahead of you.

Just treat him like a regular person and keep all that other stuff inside.