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Vicarious
February 24th, 2009, 11:51 PM
First off, hey guys. I've been reading posts on here for a while now, and decided to join up because I like giving advice and I REALLY need advice on this scenario.

On December 4 (my birthday), I started going out with this awesome freshman girl, who will from here on out be named Jen (not real name). I'm a junior, so I took a ribbing, but she's totally awesome and she was totally in love with me. At first, the relationship was purely emotional. Then, she revealed her...fun side to me a few days in, and it's been mostly physical from there.

Before I realized I liked her, I tried to hook her up with my friend named Chris (not real name). She started to like him a little bit, and vice-versa. I stepped in when I realized I liked her, basically snatched her from my friend, and felt like a terrible friend. It wasn't right, and I know that. But I realized I loved her.

Our relationship quickly progressed. However, my jealousy always got us into arguments (usually over her talking to Chris), and she told me she cried once a week because of something I said. I've been working on my jealousy.

Another issue was my failure to accept her emo music. She kept telling me she wasn't emo, and now, I've learned to accept what she likes, and accept her for what she likes to listen to. But, at the time in January, she was very hurt that I didn't accept her.

It all went downhill when she told me she had gone to the movies with Chris sometime in mid-January. I overreacted a little bit, and she went with his family so nothing happened, and I slowly got over it. However, I still didn't think it was right, and don't to this date.

I never completely trusted her, due to my history. She knew my ex-girlfriend betrayed me, and promised me she would never hurt me on purpose. Likewise, I knew Chris still had feelings for her, but he assured me that he would never try to steal her from me. My trust slowly grew.

Then...musical rolled around. I was in the cast, Jen and Chris were in the pit. On the night of the last show (Saturday), I was walking through the music room when I looked through the door of the instrument room as I walked past it. There was Jen, sitting on a stool, leaning on Chris' shoulder, while he had his arm around her waist. They were looking at pictures in her camera. I totally flipped, caused a scene, and it was pretty rough. We made up later that night, and she told me the story. She said she was falling off the stool (she has some issues with fainting), and that Chris caught her and held her up. While this part of the story was true, she told me it only lasted for 20 seconds...you will learn later this is a lie.

Monday night we had an argument. I said Chris was weak, and she told me to "shut the **** up". That really hurt me, and all of the sudden, later that night, she started telling me she hoped she wasn't being my ex, and that this couldn't be happening. I asked her what happened, and she kept telling me "just dump me now, you'll wanna". I finally got it out of her. The night before I saw them in the instrument room (Friday), Chris and Jen kissed. I was devastated, but I didn't break up with her. I had been jealous and wary from the start, and I couldn't believe my fears were coming true.

The next night, after a rough day in school, she was sobbing hysterically, afraid I would leave her. She was being suicidal, so I called her up, calmed her down, and told her we would get through it. She promised me it would never happen again. She said that kissing him felt good, but the connection wasn't there, and that it actually made her love me more. I also got more details out. She had lied about the holding each other time length. It was more in the ballpark of 2 minutes than 20 seconds. The kiss was initiated by Chris. A lie after she kissed him didn't sit well with me. She told me he had asked her to Winter Ball twice; she said no. He tried to hold her hand, she didn't let him. All of these are facts that I cross-referenced with Chris about to verify them.

It's been two weeks, and I'm still healing. More details eventually leaked, and I found out both of us were pressuring her to decide between me or him. She started having feelings for him mostly because he was there for her when I was being a bad boyfriend to her. Yes, there is no excuse for cheating, but I am to have some blame here. I pushed her away. She also told me she wanted Chris to kiss her, because she needed to know what she wanted. And she chose me. Tuesday night, the night she was crying hysterically, she promised me she wouldn't initiate conversation with Chris. Yesterday, she told me I couldn't control who she spoke to, and that she wanted my trust, yet she also told me she knew it would take time to get it. She got mad that I wouldn't let her initiate conversation with Chris.

Last night, I decided to let her talk to him again. I'm taking a huge leap of faith. I know she's genuinely sorry, and her reasoning for not doing it again is that she saw how much hurt she inflicted on both of us. She says that now, her and Chris are just friends, and that she promises she won't do it again.

I still get upset when she talks to him, and rightfully so. But I can't control her life. I told her this next month would be crucial, to see if she even has a chance at regaining my trust. I'm getting better at not overreacting and taking my anger out on her, and she's working on earning my trust back.

Am I doing the right thing by giving her a second chance (with reserves, of course)? I feel she is genuinely sorry, and she's shown me that these past two weeks. She knows there is no third chance.

Any more details, just ask. Thanks so much for reading this all!

AllThatIsLeft
February 25th, 2009, 12:06 AM
yes so i read the whole thing. and i feel it a waste not to answer.

Well it seems pretty complicated reason.
There have been too many broken promises, and NOTHING, absolutely nothing, gives a reason to cheat.

If she was so insecure of who she liked, she should of been straight with you about how she felt, and that she needed some thought into it.

Now, it is a bad thing to be so jealous and control. turn off, but again not an excuse for what she did.

you have already given her the opportunity to redeem herself. if she fails again, i recommend that you finish things off.

it is not worth going through constant insecurity about your partner being unfaithful.

Hope you feel better!

Vicarious
February 25th, 2009, 12:11 AM
yes so i read the whole thing. and i feel it a waste not to answer.

Well it seems pretty complicated reason.
There have been too many broken promises, and NOTHING, absolutely nothing, gives a reason to cheat.

If she was so insecure of who she liked, she should of been straight with you about how she felt, and that she needed some thought into it.

Now, it is a bad thing to be so jealous and control. turn off, but again not an excuse for what she did.

you have already given her the opportunity to redeem herself. if she fails again, i recommend that you finish things off.

it is not worth going through constant insecurity about your partner being unfaithful.

Hope you feel better!
Thanks, you pretty much said what I've been thinking for a while!

It's like I want to give her my trust. I want to forget she ever did what she did. But I can't. I'm going to give her one more chance, let her speak to him, call him, put all the cards on the table. If she does it again, she's definitely being dumped.

Just posting this and sharing it made me feel better. Thanks for the response! :cool:

IAMSAM
February 25th, 2009, 12:14 AM
Well, what are your expectations in this relationship? I think given the conflicts you guys have that what you want and need are a bit different, that might be a product of the age diff, or it just might be a result of you both just being different, but the real question is it something that you can both get over?

I think part of what might be going on for you is that you do not want to let go here, that even in the face of some pretty significant issues, you're hanging on. You might want to understand why you do that, but you also might want to look at something more basic: If it's worth holding on to in the first place. Relationships are supposed to be fun, and you're supposed to feel OK with and trust your partner. Sure, sometimes there are problems, but they're usually not the 'deep' ones, like trust. When that happens, you have to take look at your expectations and ask yourself if that's OK. If it's not, sometimes you have to let go.

AllThatIsLeft
February 25th, 2009, 12:15 AM
your welcome darling.

there are better girls out there, :)

you shouldnt have to go through that.
no one should.

Vicarious
February 25th, 2009, 12:20 AM
Well, what are your expectations in this relationship? I think given the conflicts you guys have that what you want and need are a bit different, that might be a product of the age diff, or it just might be a result of you both just being different, but the real question is it something that you can both get over?

I think part of what might be going on for you is that you do not want to let go here, that even in the face of some pretty significant issues, you're hanging on. You might want to understand why you do that, but you also might want to look at something more basic: If it's worth holding on to in the first place. Relationships are supposed to be fun, and you're supposed to feel OK with and trust your partner. Sure, sometimes there are problems, but they're usually not the 'deep' ones, like trust. When that happens, you have to take look at your expectations and ask yourself if that's OK. If it's not, sometimes you have to let go.
She has told me numerous times, before and after the incident, that she wants to lose herself to me. I've told her this week that it would still be a bit of time until that happened, after everything that's gone on, and that it would mean this would be a long-term relationship, something with potential to last years. She understands this.

There's a lot of reasons why I hold on. One is because we do get along most of the time, and we never fight when we're around each other. And, it's magical when we're together. A very bad reason is because I couldn't bear to see her go out with Chris, but that isn't high on the list, I've merely recognized that it is a reason that exists. Another is because she was such a wreck on Tuesday and in the days following; I find it hard to believe she could ever do that again. She's agreed to tell me if/when she ever starts developing feelings for someone else, no matter how small. We're both very flirtatious, so it's understandable that some lust might occur at some point in time. I just don't want it getting out of hand.

Thanks for the input. I'm starting the self-reflecting process now, but I tend to overthink things a lot :D

IAMSAM
February 25th, 2009, 12:30 AM
A relationship isn't just defined by the stuff you do together or the way it is when you're together, it's also (very largely) defined by the feelings that develop between the two of you. This is often the result of those things you do together, but also the way you take care of eachother. You can have a great time hanging out, yet if she's so vulnerable to another's charms that she crosses that line, the feelings of betrayal you have can outweigh the other, good feelings.

It comes down to expectations, if you expect monogamy, and your partner cannot deliver, then you have to ask yourself why you stay with her. Having fun is part of a relationship, but as you get older, being cared for in more emotional ways becomes paramount. This seems to be the case here, maybe the age difference means that her expectations and abilities aren't the same as yours, even if she wants it to be otherwise.

Vicarious
February 25th, 2009, 12:32 AM
A relationship isn't just defined by the stuff you do together or the way it is when you're together, it's also (very largely) defined by the feelings that develop between the two of you. This is often the result of those things you do together, but also the way you take care of eachother. You can have a great time hanging out, yet if she's so vulnerable to another's charms that she crosses that line, the feelings of betrayal you have can outweigh the other, good feelings.

It comes down to expectations, if you expect monogamy, and your partner cannot deliver, then you have to ask yourself why you stay with her. Having fun is part of a relationship, but as you get older, being cared for in more emotional ways becomes paramount. This seems to be the case here, maybe the age difference means that her expectations and abilities aren't the same as yours, even if she wants it to be otherwise.
I'm keeping age in mind a lot too. I think she wants to commit, but at 15, she may not be emotionally able to do that. I know how I was at 15, and I've changed a lot in two years. I have a feeling this is the case here, just a lack of maturity. That's why her attempts to make this better and the fact that she realized her mistake and had the guts to come to me and tell me she did it gives me faith.

I'm trying to trust her again, and it's going to take time. If I realize I will never be able to completely trust her, I will break up with her.

Halibut
February 25th, 2009, 01:23 AM
i think you two shoudl really sit down and ask her to be brutally honest about her feelings. also she promised she would never hurt you in the start right..well i would be really catious at she had made that promise pretty easily well it sounds like she did! but ya i would just be very careful and if you still dont trust her in a month. maybe you should end it as its not right to be doubting her and still be with her! and you should listen to your heart as cheesy as it sounds