Xistrance
August 1st, 2008, 02:06 AM
Hi this is my first post here, im sat here, 5:11am, just watched casino royale, severly depressed due to the damned Beautiful Eva green reminding me of the begining of my problems.
I feel a huge need or be it a desire to spill my heart out, pure red, no bullshit, my life, one and only.
I guess we shall do a lil' time travelling and take u back year 2000 (aged 10), my parents sit me and my two brothers down
([-3 and -6 years younger than me] a lower tier middle class white british family [30k pay for father]
and the utter the words a 7 and 4 year old can't possible comprehend, "mummy and daddy wont be living together anymore" my heart skips a beat and the world starts revolving again, my lip quivers but i dont cry, im too occupied at my little siblings tearing their hearts out
(i didnt feel this was the end of the world, i was sad sure but I dont think this was the root of my problems maybe it is and maybe i should have cryed and showed some emotions, I think I was a little too itelligent and I understood even at 10, its weird to believe but true)
Life continues, Dad moves out, Mum starts inviting a new male figure into the house
(relatively quickly, not saying my mother was glad to see my father go, but they both just ran out of love for each other, my mother had me at 18 and my father was 21, with children they felt that their life was set in stone, forever stay at home and have kids, the usual, man works, woman cleans)
Divorce follows, mother is still seeing this man who she met at mine and my brothers TaekwonDo centre, Its Xmas 2000 and I get a guitar for christmas (at this point im year 6 almost at high school, very very impressionable age) I start to learn the guitar from mums new boyfriend, he starts seeing us more and more, My dad starts dating also (slower than my mother, I think that he still loved her enough to have to wait for time to heal his wounds) This new set up is working out decentl, typical kids me and my 2 bros are psyched that we get 2 sets of xmas and birthday present and dont care that our parents are divorced coz we get lots of toys :D
Life moves on, pass SATs in primary school, 5,5,4 - excellent in science and maths and needing 1 on 1 tutoring at english as u can see from my TERRIBLE writing skills :X
Life flows smooth enough, first introduced to cutting not as a way of self expression and depollution of thoughts and emotions, but as an action-man type scar fetish i suppose. a few mates in school (primary) including I, start to smash up pencil sharpeners and obtain the razors. very very shallow cuts, well more like scratches we used to do (only about....2 or 3 very very small lines, enough to gain the scabbing but very thin and non scarring)
the trend kinda stopped as summer holidays passed, I enter High school, dressed up as a mummys boy just like all the little year 7s on their first day (I knew a few year 10/11s from my estate so i wasnt timid but cautious)
My mum and boyfriend have us move into his house (2 bedroom. 4 people >_<) no worries we are excited we are growing fond of her new boyfriend, and we are happy for her.
My dad promises me and my brothers face to face with a holiday (my brothers are psyched coz we miss him, we see him weekend every 2 weeks. sometimes he must cancel but hes paying for 2 households, understandable now, but not at the time, not for a boy with a negative mind, what if he doesnt love us etc etc.)
im out one day with my stepdad, and we come across his daughter from a previous relationship, shes a year older than me and shes at the age where her influences and personality is shown with music/culture. i see her and well, love on first sight. I know cliché, Im sat there, i remember it vividly, im stood like a total geeeek, size too small adidas shorts, plain tee, shitty trainers. shes there with her personality blooming, baggy trousers, badges, quirky random items that make her who she is (think she had a multicoloured rainbow purse, and cow coloured leggings i think haha.), perfect eyes, she had braces.(i think thats where my well not so much a fetish but a keen attraction to girls in braces, she didnt have mangly teeth just she was very very self conscious as u will see and needed them straightened, I have to say of all the things i loved about her were her unique teeth and eyes) Avril lavigne just came out in the UK and she was identical to her all be it a lil' younger looking. she was going for that look. (I'd like u to forgive me for using stereotypes, I detest them but for sake of description)
Now im in a weird situation at 11. I fancy my mothers boyfriend daughter. nothing harmful will happen we are what....11-13 or summin. but i fall i love. and i feel strange coz....if people wana get picky it could be called my stepsister.. no blood relation ofc.
so our relationship grows as sister/brother (its killing me but I loved having her around be it if it had to be a sibling for all eternity im sure as hindsight goes, i'd have stayed sibling) my fathers continues to dissapoint me and my brothers.
now my mums BFs daughter has some problems of her own, shes self harmer, i cant remember when i found out, and i have no recollection of time from about now till 2006 so just listen and go with the flow.
she self-abuses, had some eating disorders and was in an abusing relationship (which i didnt know till much much later) I was her confidant and that made me happy because i could help her but noooo i had to screw shit up, i had no real issues i dont think, but i said i had issues too, that i self harmed and was bullimic (i know everyone of u lot reading now is looking at me in disgust, acting as if SH is a game but i was young, much too young to be exposed to it.
im not blaming her because as issues arised and i continues my marionette show of lies, i started to grow a complusive lieing streak (be it a disorder or just pure narcisstic). i'd sit in the toilet, come back and say i puked my dinner up, im ashamed, but i still hid the truth and acted as a SHer, well i was but on no grounds of depression or emotion but on love which is weird because i put myself in harms way. I just wanted to get close to her and let her know i was the same and understood her.
but as i continued to become a sweaty myself due to my friends, her and her father, I grew a severe depression, Cronic depression (I think at this point my father had destroyed any respect i had for him, we frequently fell out coz he was rather selfish even with his own kids emotions on the line, he had no idea about my cuts not did my mother, I hid decently well, till they found out one day. Alot of shit is pouring onto teenagers, adult and teenagers can be cruel and evil, abusing and bullies, i had no problem being almost 6foot at 13 but i was judged by the "chavs" in school, as a kid who slit his wrist, an emo, but they dont know what its like being on the other side of the knife, its easy to get carried away and addicted when u already are cronicly depressed, have a severe selfhate brewing inside).
pondering my own exstence and coming to the conclusion of "shit, just kill yourself now, why struggle through a life full of unavoidable shit and maybe a few happinesses" I came exceeedingly close 1 time, stopped by a phone call, at the end was an "i love you" it saved my life, she saved my life, yet i still tried again when things got out of control, my cutting had no affect, it turned into an addiction, cutting for pain because i started feeling no emotions at all, alot of teenage angst + my own shit that happens day to day and the fact I thought I was wrong for thinking the way i did about my stepdads daughter (its weird calling him that but it easier to type and im sure everyone understands) my school wrok deteriorated and i started gaining a certain who-cares attitude to the secrecy of my selfabuse, i walked through school with sliced arms and hands, people staring, judging, just by what they see, the town I live in, is filed with evil and nasty kids (waste of spacers AKA certain criminals, yeah I know another stereotype but its true we all know it but its classed as stereotypical for discrimination perpouses :P)
Anywho where am i ummmm. so im a suicidal, cronical depressed, and now a pretend selfharmed, turned full because it did work, it did settle my problems but it started making me feel numb, so stuff didnt affect me apart from my depression, i would just be sick of life, it was just how i handled it all, my arms and hands taking abuse day in and day out, bread knifes, razors, even a wood saw once (no one except my intimites have seen it and its just a big accident i had when i was little....coz im still a narcist who just digs and digs lies, and i think people can see why i started hating myself, and i cant explain why I didnt just stop myself, im intelligent and can see its self destruction but i didnt, i enjoyed the abuse i inflicted on myself, my stepdads daughter growing ever worried about me and ever worse to her own issues)
so life spurs ever on, never stopping for anyone, life spirals as u can imagine with alot of you, combatting issues like me, life got worse, then when i was damn 14-16yrs old, she slept over and it was wierd i had just got one part of my snakebites pierced and i was looking damn sexy with them and a new hairdo, my personality spurring to my clothes and i was for a moment materially happy, went home and my stepdads daughter who i had for 2/3 years started to call my sister, we out of nowhere kissed and blah blah, no sex, she stopped me, i was like daaamn (a horny 15 year old boy....what can u say?) she got up and started cutting her leg, the only and last time I ever seen her cut in front of me out of i think it was inadequacy, shes a very very smart woman, one of the smartest teenagers i know, and she had a very very critical mind, bcause I had been bummed out about not getting the key to the knickers, she thought I had just wanted to shag her, which isnt true, even if all i had for eternity was her smile then that would have done me, even if i was blind, it was just fast from practically siblings to intimates.... (apart from when our "new/intimite" relationship grew and we'll she was frikking exactly like me, we kinda liked the whole blood/sex play its kinky and we loved cutting Double pleasures is all i can explain it as) (we kept our cuttings private but we would tend to each other, she kept me in this world and in return i thought I could be her rock.)
After that night, she said she had loved me from the moment she saw me, and I was dumbstruck, we both had been waiting for this moment for 3 years but too scared because the whole tabboo thing between siblings but we werent even damn blood related not even by marriage (oh I forgot to mention the thing that we were guilty about is that the only relation is that her dad and my mum had a kid. the only blood connecting was the fact my halfsister (newborn) was the halfsister of my girlfriend. no blood between me and GF. strange yes, but why can't I be allowed the pleasures of our hearts because of a social misreprentation of the tabboo. we were never going to spur any inbreds, the only damage would be a weird kinda aura in our family and we were willing to sacrifice it.
We didnt tell our parents for a while, but they werent stupid, she would come over every saturday to see her dad, but we would go out to the Capital for a day out together, the only time apart from online together, alone, no judgement, just pure bliss. We continued sellharm, i by this time had stop my bullimia deceit long ago, and started a new one, i said i had been abused to her in secrecy and somehow the only person who knew, suddenly turned into her, my mum and her dad and i know i lied and could have just said no, i narcistically carried on to hide the fact i had lied with more and more lies. this lasted for some 2 months during summer hols, we started in this relationship to clean each other up, and we only selfharmed during sex, because she made me happy and complete, my depression simply up and hid in the corner of my mind in the subconscious, i think the same with her. I didnt cut nore did she, life was good, then shit hit the fan and well, i have no frikking idea how the hell we split up but it turned into a fucking war between
her/her mother/stepdad and my mother/her dad/me
apparently our parents had banned us from seeing each other, her mother had been snooping and found a letter, not sure what the contents where, but she had started to cut again, she was on the phone
"Im sorry babe, I love you I didnt mean to do it again, You ok?."
(last words i ever heard)
and thats the last time I heard her voice. after that i was fucking devastated, be it my fault and im sure that she is so much happier than with me, im broken, not hearted any more becuase time does heal and it has taken me long to just heal from my breakup. its aroused more issues than i started with now.
I smoke cannabis now, my mind is usually very veyr blank, like if u daydream about nothing and just stare at a wall, no thoughts nothing, no emotion, but i get really really bad depressive thought so much that it keeps m awake, sometimes for 2/3 days i think about her, my lies, my scars, my new cuts, m depression, my life, my education i threw away because after we broke up i was in my last year of compulsory high, i neglected my friends and turned into one of the people i dispise most a chav, i started doing drugs to supress my thoughts, usually dink (not often i do that socially) but weed now has become a large part of my life, i think im developing a mild level of psychosis and im rather scared for m own safety and the emotion safety of my family, i've slowly started to reestablish my emotions and remembering what each feels like now that i've reeeeealy cut down on the cutting. but i dont feel theres 2 personalitys but i have severe issues with women now, i see them purely as discardable pleasure objects.
i'v thrown my education out the window during this time, i passed my GCSE with 3 Bs, 5Cs (D and E in English/Eng Lit) i know i could have done better and now another 2 years down the road of slow work, weed and terrible terrible regret for my lies and the fact that me and her never never ever got to speak since to sort out wtf split us up,because it wasnt me and i dont think it was a conscious decision from her, it as just a pure "NO U CANT SEE EACH OTHER" decision by our parents, for the fact both of our parents knew we both were having sex and selfharming, yet we were banned because she started harming again after 2 weeks of cleaning up, but life is hard and we had been dealing by cutting for 2/3 years prior (ofc now i see them as issues but being in that state it felt like they were being evil and concoctive but i guess thats karma, for all my lies, they've came and shanked me and the fact she now probably has a large amount of issues that have arrisen from me. I hope she hasnt but I seen her in the street a few times and got the cold shouler, no eye contact nothing, straight past me, which is weird coz the last thing we done together was a lod/sex session which we both loved, and after all of this I cant even trust my mother becuase now no one knew about us having sex due to me having to actually live with him 24/7 and him and me being on rock relations already but my mother asked me if we both had sex and i trusting my own mother, i told her the truth, and said yes and she goes along and fucking tells her dad. so now im sat her after 2 hours of diving into my past I finish, I have prob missed alot of info but thats the main story, from me atleast.
I cant tell u how long i have written anything this big, its probs so gramatically incorrect if i as with her now, shed laugh at me. but its my best, nothing i can do more than that. thiats my life, my troubles. needed to get all of it of my chest, to someone, anyone, without having to physically drag down someone who im attached to social now, but im kinda just rambling with no sleep.
oh *edit* my real dad just got arrested for fraud and we'll he has lost me, some time in the future i hope he comes to me and appologises because he never thiinks hes wrong but he has been. so until that day comes if it does, it sucks coz i dont have a dad, not even a stepdad coz i have to live with her father every fucking day.
I feel a huge need or be it a desire to spill my heart out, pure red, no bullshit, my life, one and only.
I guess we shall do a lil' time travelling and take u back year 2000 (aged 10), my parents sit me and my two brothers down
([-3 and -6 years younger than me] a lower tier middle class white british family [30k pay for father]
and the utter the words a 7 and 4 year old can't possible comprehend, "mummy and daddy wont be living together anymore" my heart skips a beat and the world starts revolving again, my lip quivers but i dont cry, im too occupied at my little siblings tearing their hearts out
(i didnt feel this was the end of the world, i was sad sure but I dont think this was the root of my problems maybe it is and maybe i should have cryed and showed some emotions, I think I was a little too itelligent and I understood even at 10, its weird to believe but true)
Life continues, Dad moves out, Mum starts inviting a new male figure into the house
(relatively quickly, not saying my mother was glad to see my father go, but they both just ran out of love for each other, my mother had me at 18 and my father was 21, with children they felt that their life was set in stone, forever stay at home and have kids, the usual, man works, woman cleans)
Divorce follows, mother is still seeing this man who she met at mine and my brothers TaekwonDo centre, Its Xmas 2000 and I get a guitar for christmas (at this point im year 6 almost at high school, very very impressionable age) I start to learn the guitar from mums new boyfriend, he starts seeing us more and more, My dad starts dating also (slower than my mother, I think that he still loved her enough to have to wait for time to heal his wounds) This new set up is working out decentl, typical kids me and my 2 bros are psyched that we get 2 sets of xmas and birthday present and dont care that our parents are divorced coz we get lots of toys :D
Life moves on, pass SATs in primary school, 5,5,4 - excellent in science and maths and needing 1 on 1 tutoring at english as u can see from my TERRIBLE writing skills :X
Life flows smooth enough, first introduced to cutting not as a way of self expression and depollution of thoughts and emotions, but as an action-man type scar fetish i suppose. a few mates in school (primary) including I, start to smash up pencil sharpeners and obtain the razors. very very shallow cuts, well more like scratches we used to do (only about....2 or 3 very very small lines, enough to gain the scabbing but very thin and non scarring)
the trend kinda stopped as summer holidays passed, I enter High school, dressed up as a mummys boy just like all the little year 7s on their first day (I knew a few year 10/11s from my estate so i wasnt timid but cautious)
My mum and boyfriend have us move into his house (2 bedroom. 4 people >_<) no worries we are excited we are growing fond of her new boyfriend, and we are happy for her.
My dad promises me and my brothers face to face with a holiday (my brothers are psyched coz we miss him, we see him weekend every 2 weeks. sometimes he must cancel but hes paying for 2 households, understandable now, but not at the time, not for a boy with a negative mind, what if he doesnt love us etc etc.)
im out one day with my stepdad, and we come across his daughter from a previous relationship, shes a year older than me and shes at the age where her influences and personality is shown with music/culture. i see her and well, love on first sight. I know cliché, Im sat there, i remember it vividly, im stood like a total geeeek, size too small adidas shorts, plain tee, shitty trainers. shes there with her personality blooming, baggy trousers, badges, quirky random items that make her who she is (think she had a multicoloured rainbow purse, and cow coloured leggings i think haha.), perfect eyes, she had braces.(i think thats where my well not so much a fetish but a keen attraction to girls in braces, she didnt have mangly teeth just she was very very self conscious as u will see and needed them straightened, I have to say of all the things i loved about her were her unique teeth and eyes) Avril lavigne just came out in the UK and she was identical to her all be it a lil' younger looking. she was going for that look. (I'd like u to forgive me for using stereotypes, I detest them but for sake of description)
Now im in a weird situation at 11. I fancy my mothers boyfriend daughter. nothing harmful will happen we are what....11-13 or summin. but i fall i love. and i feel strange coz....if people wana get picky it could be called my stepsister.. no blood relation ofc.
so our relationship grows as sister/brother (its killing me but I loved having her around be it if it had to be a sibling for all eternity im sure as hindsight goes, i'd have stayed sibling) my fathers continues to dissapoint me and my brothers.
now my mums BFs daughter has some problems of her own, shes self harmer, i cant remember when i found out, and i have no recollection of time from about now till 2006 so just listen and go with the flow.
she self-abuses, had some eating disorders and was in an abusing relationship (which i didnt know till much much later) I was her confidant and that made me happy because i could help her but noooo i had to screw shit up, i had no real issues i dont think, but i said i had issues too, that i self harmed and was bullimic (i know everyone of u lot reading now is looking at me in disgust, acting as if SH is a game but i was young, much too young to be exposed to it.
im not blaming her because as issues arised and i continues my marionette show of lies, i started to grow a complusive lieing streak (be it a disorder or just pure narcisstic). i'd sit in the toilet, come back and say i puked my dinner up, im ashamed, but i still hid the truth and acted as a SHer, well i was but on no grounds of depression or emotion but on love which is weird because i put myself in harms way. I just wanted to get close to her and let her know i was the same and understood her.
but as i continued to become a sweaty myself due to my friends, her and her father, I grew a severe depression, Cronic depression (I think at this point my father had destroyed any respect i had for him, we frequently fell out coz he was rather selfish even with his own kids emotions on the line, he had no idea about my cuts not did my mother, I hid decently well, till they found out one day. Alot of shit is pouring onto teenagers, adult and teenagers can be cruel and evil, abusing and bullies, i had no problem being almost 6foot at 13 but i was judged by the "chavs" in school, as a kid who slit his wrist, an emo, but they dont know what its like being on the other side of the knife, its easy to get carried away and addicted when u already are cronicly depressed, have a severe selfhate brewing inside).
pondering my own exstence and coming to the conclusion of "shit, just kill yourself now, why struggle through a life full of unavoidable shit and maybe a few happinesses" I came exceeedingly close 1 time, stopped by a phone call, at the end was an "i love you" it saved my life, she saved my life, yet i still tried again when things got out of control, my cutting had no affect, it turned into an addiction, cutting for pain because i started feeling no emotions at all, alot of teenage angst + my own shit that happens day to day and the fact I thought I was wrong for thinking the way i did about my stepdads daughter (its weird calling him that but it easier to type and im sure everyone understands) my school wrok deteriorated and i started gaining a certain who-cares attitude to the secrecy of my selfabuse, i walked through school with sliced arms and hands, people staring, judging, just by what they see, the town I live in, is filed with evil and nasty kids (waste of spacers AKA certain criminals, yeah I know another stereotype but its true we all know it but its classed as stereotypical for discrimination perpouses :P)
Anywho where am i ummmm. so im a suicidal, cronical depressed, and now a pretend selfharmed, turned full because it did work, it did settle my problems but it started making me feel numb, so stuff didnt affect me apart from my depression, i would just be sick of life, it was just how i handled it all, my arms and hands taking abuse day in and day out, bread knifes, razors, even a wood saw once (no one except my intimites have seen it and its just a big accident i had when i was little....coz im still a narcist who just digs and digs lies, and i think people can see why i started hating myself, and i cant explain why I didnt just stop myself, im intelligent and can see its self destruction but i didnt, i enjoyed the abuse i inflicted on myself, my stepdads daughter growing ever worried about me and ever worse to her own issues)
so life spurs ever on, never stopping for anyone, life spirals as u can imagine with alot of you, combatting issues like me, life got worse, then when i was damn 14-16yrs old, she slept over and it was wierd i had just got one part of my snakebites pierced and i was looking damn sexy with them and a new hairdo, my personality spurring to my clothes and i was for a moment materially happy, went home and my stepdads daughter who i had for 2/3 years started to call my sister, we out of nowhere kissed and blah blah, no sex, she stopped me, i was like daaamn (a horny 15 year old boy....what can u say?) she got up and started cutting her leg, the only and last time I ever seen her cut in front of me out of i think it was inadequacy, shes a very very smart woman, one of the smartest teenagers i know, and she had a very very critical mind, bcause I had been bummed out about not getting the key to the knickers, she thought I had just wanted to shag her, which isnt true, even if all i had for eternity was her smile then that would have done me, even if i was blind, it was just fast from practically siblings to intimates.... (apart from when our "new/intimite" relationship grew and we'll she was frikking exactly like me, we kinda liked the whole blood/sex play its kinky and we loved cutting Double pleasures is all i can explain it as) (we kept our cuttings private but we would tend to each other, she kept me in this world and in return i thought I could be her rock.)
After that night, she said she had loved me from the moment she saw me, and I was dumbstruck, we both had been waiting for this moment for 3 years but too scared because the whole tabboo thing between siblings but we werent even damn blood related not even by marriage (oh I forgot to mention the thing that we were guilty about is that the only relation is that her dad and my mum had a kid. the only blood connecting was the fact my halfsister (newborn) was the halfsister of my girlfriend. no blood between me and GF. strange yes, but why can't I be allowed the pleasures of our hearts because of a social misreprentation of the tabboo. we were never going to spur any inbreds, the only damage would be a weird kinda aura in our family and we were willing to sacrifice it.
We didnt tell our parents for a while, but they werent stupid, she would come over every saturday to see her dad, but we would go out to the Capital for a day out together, the only time apart from online together, alone, no judgement, just pure bliss. We continued sellharm, i by this time had stop my bullimia deceit long ago, and started a new one, i said i had been abused to her in secrecy and somehow the only person who knew, suddenly turned into her, my mum and her dad and i know i lied and could have just said no, i narcistically carried on to hide the fact i had lied with more and more lies. this lasted for some 2 months during summer hols, we started in this relationship to clean each other up, and we only selfharmed during sex, because she made me happy and complete, my depression simply up and hid in the corner of my mind in the subconscious, i think the same with her. I didnt cut nore did she, life was good, then shit hit the fan and well, i have no frikking idea how the hell we split up but it turned into a fucking war between
her/her mother/stepdad and my mother/her dad/me
apparently our parents had banned us from seeing each other, her mother had been snooping and found a letter, not sure what the contents where, but she had started to cut again, she was on the phone
"Im sorry babe, I love you I didnt mean to do it again, You ok?."
(last words i ever heard)
and thats the last time I heard her voice. after that i was fucking devastated, be it my fault and im sure that she is so much happier than with me, im broken, not hearted any more becuase time does heal and it has taken me long to just heal from my breakup. its aroused more issues than i started with now.
I smoke cannabis now, my mind is usually very veyr blank, like if u daydream about nothing and just stare at a wall, no thoughts nothing, no emotion, but i get really really bad depressive thought so much that it keeps m awake, sometimes for 2/3 days i think about her, my lies, my scars, my new cuts, m depression, my life, my education i threw away because after we broke up i was in my last year of compulsory high, i neglected my friends and turned into one of the people i dispise most a chav, i started doing drugs to supress my thoughts, usually dink (not often i do that socially) but weed now has become a large part of my life, i think im developing a mild level of psychosis and im rather scared for m own safety and the emotion safety of my family, i've slowly started to reestablish my emotions and remembering what each feels like now that i've reeeeealy cut down on the cutting. but i dont feel theres 2 personalitys but i have severe issues with women now, i see them purely as discardable pleasure objects.
i'v thrown my education out the window during this time, i passed my GCSE with 3 Bs, 5Cs (D and E in English/Eng Lit) i know i could have done better and now another 2 years down the road of slow work, weed and terrible terrible regret for my lies and the fact that me and her never never ever got to speak since to sort out wtf split us up,because it wasnt me and i dont think it was a conscious decision from her, it as just a pure "NO U CANT SEE EACH OTHER" decision by our parents, for the fact both of our parents knew we both were having sex and selfharming, yet we were banned because she started harming again after 2 weeks of cleaning up, but life is hard and we had been dealing by cutting for 2/3 years prior (ofc now i see them as issues but being in that state it felt like they were being evil and concoctive but i guess thats karma, for all my lies, they've came and shanked me and the fact she now probably has a large amount of issues that have arrisen from me. I hope she hasnt but I seen her in the street a few times and got the cold shouler, no eye contact nothing, straight past me, which is weird coz the last thing we done together was a lod/sex session which we both loved, and after all of this I cant even trust my mother becuase now no one knew about us having sex due to me having to actually live with him 24/7 and him and me being on rock relations already but my mother asked me if we both had sex and i trusting my own mother, i told her the truth, and said yes and she goes along and fucking tells her dad. so now im sat her after 2 hours of diving into my past I finish, I have prob missed alot of info but thats the main story, from me atleast.
I cant tell u how long i have written anything this big, its probs so gramatically incorrect if i as with her now, shed laugh at me. but its my best, nothing i can do more than that. thiats my life, my troubles. needed to get all of it of my chest, to someone, anyone, without having to physically drag down someone who im attached to social now, but im kinda just rambling with no sleep.
oh *edit* my real dad just got arrested for fraud and we'll he has lost me, some time in the future i hope he comes to me and appologises because he never thiinks hes wrong but he has been. so until that day comes if it does, it sucks coz i dont have a dad, not even a stepdad coz i have to live with her father every fucking day.