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Hyper
September 7th, 2015, 06:01 PM
I can't recall the last time I wrote a post here... Well hell I haven't been a teen for a couple of years...

But recently with the stuff in my life - I've been involved with and doing a lot of things that will help other people, mainly people with psychiatric problems, but myself...... I haven't felt this bad in ages...

Especially today... I got a new job I've got a goal but I feel horrible... I just feel so angry so bad so depressed everything is so hard and all these questions that I don't want to ask myself, racing through my mind are just making it worse.

And the nagging feeling/voice that just puts yourself down... Who am I to help anyone? Even when I tried to do it on this site years almost a decade ago it was always there - how can YOU help ANYONE? Look at yourself where you are with your life! How does your life validate any of the advice you give?!

And now it's even worse.. I'm supposed to be an ''adult'' (I kind of want to rephrase that but I can't think of a better analouge) yet I can't... I can't relate... My life hasn't been normal by any standard even if I look at my life in the context of my illnesses/diagnoses... It doesn't fit.. Nothing is atypical nothing fits nothing I can relate to nobody I can relate to................ With every success there is a failure..

Longer stories that I don't want to share even in my moment of emotional distraught...

Questions I don't want to ask myself or I can't bring to ask myself. Who am I? What do I want? What would make ME happy??? Why do I feel so miserable all the time? Why have I felt so miserable all these years?!

That's where the anger - the blame starts... What have I done to deserve this? Why must I feel this way? Who am I to feel this way anyway? I mean there are people worse off right? I see it every day trying to help others but it doesn't make me feel better... Maybe not even worse anymore... I can't describe what I feel... Only rant perhaps...

It's been like this for years. Who have I fooled? Who have I tried to fool? What is my sub-conscious mind trying to achieve... What is all this BULLSHIT I give myself for?

Because all this anger I can't put to words - all this anger that is producing this completely non-sensical rant - it has to come from somewhere... It has to come from myself. I can't place it.

Is it self pity... Is it rage towards all the people that have hurt me? Is it something else, hell I wrote and reworded this bit half a dozen times.... I just don't know..

I just don't fit in... Not with others and not in the sense that I want to - I gave up that immature urge so long ago... It's different.. And this bullshit is just the tip of the iceberg. I.. I get along with so many people... I know so many people... But I don't feel like I belong.. So many ''crowds'' different ''sub-cultures'' but nothing or no one to call me my own...

And what's even worse when people try to ''bring me in'' (inadverdently) I push them away or feel harassed because hey... Introverted/sarcastic/bipolar?/schizophrenic?/just a whiny asshole guy here with bad mood swings..

Overall I just want a goal...A purpose... Like most human beings don't I? But even when it gets thrown at my feet, as my life is right now, I feel powerless... After so many years I get a chance like this and I just have to get hit with this cosmic energy/feeling/biochemical inbalance of bullshit..

Why do I have to feel this bad over (seemingly) nothing?...

And why do I have to be such a incohensive prick writing to a teen forum, I probably did more harm than good at, as a 22 year old man?... Sigh I've been here so many times before written a long long post and deleted it all but this time I actually feel so bad I have to post it and believe that somehow letting this out - even if it isn't even letting anything out - even if it is just complete random rambling will help me somehow... Hell now I'm just adding text to write my would be novel...

Hyper
September 18th, 2015, 07:23 PM
Well reading this on a period where I feel much better is rough/enlightening.

It seems to me that the longer you live with any kind of problem the better you get at dealing with it but on the flip side - the longer it persists the worse the bad days get... And the day I posted this well I think it was one of the worst in a few years.