PDA

View Full Version : My Mom


ObliviousCat
September 5th, 2015, 06:11 PM
WARNING: Very long post!

My mom is emotionally abusive and has been on and off for a year now. Yesterday is a prime example of her behavior. In the car, we're parked at McDonald's getting ready to eat when we talk about something and a misinterpreted tone in my voice sets her off. She starts getting upset and when she gets as upset as she was, she attacks me emotionally. Meaning she deliberately gives me panic attacks and provokes me. She is my mother and I have been in therapy for 3 years already so she knows my exact triggers. She says something to set me off, using what she knows is my second biggest trigger. I start crying as I begin to overthink and feel myself start to shake. She notices because she says, "Good. Cry." and continues on by saying it over and over and over again. Unfortunately, and I do not excuse myself for this, her emotional abuse and constant provoking results in me being verbally abusive as she says. I told her to stop but she wouldn't listen to me. I told her I hate her guts. She responded with, "Good." She continued to say more, moving on to my main trigger, which caused me to say something else that I forgot. That caused something in her to snap and she slapped me on the arm to discipline me...I figure I must have said something along the lines of, "You always fucking do this" or something with fuck or shit in it. I understand that's a form of discipline but I didn't stop and said something else which caused her to strike at me again. This time, I defended myself by grasping at her wrists or slapping her hands away. Her food fell on the floor and she hit me in the face. She then took my (barely touched) food and threw it away. So this whole situation started with emotional abuse with her being the aggressor, leading to me being verbally abusive, leading her to get physical.

She threatened to "Knock my teeth out" over my mouth and when I told her that she'd get in trouble she said she didn't care and the "system" is racist. It's part of African-American culture, apparently, to discipline their children in such a way. I don't believe her when she says African-American parents would knock the teeth out of their children in the old days but I do believe her when she says they'd wash their mouth out with soap, spank them, etc. (mainly because she told me from experience.) Spanking isn't too bad but nowadays forcing soap into your child's mouth, slapping or punching them in face, is considered child abuse. There was a time when she called me an "attention whore" when she deliberately gave me a panic attack so I said something in response and that caused her to hit me in the head with the comb she was using to do my hair. The comb broke. I told my former therapist about this when we first met and we had a 2-hour session getting a history of me. Just here merely hitting me with a comb was considered child abuse to him and put him at risk for losing his license if he didn't tell anyone...so he called DCFS. They never showed up to investigate or even wrote a report on it because I had explained to my then-therapist that her getting physical was just a one time thing.

When I try to explain to my mother why I react in such a way when I'm having an episode, she immediately accuses me of attempting to excuse myself from such behavior when I'm only trying to educate and explain to her. The thing is that she never listens to me, twists my words around if she does, and does not for the life of her want to be proven wrong. The explanation for my reaction is quite simple in my perspective but in her own point of view she feels like I'm trying to act arrogant or excuse myself because of my illness. I just wish she could try to listen to me or understand.


Anyway, we were supposed to go to Big Lots after McDonald's to get toys for the kitten I was supposed to get tomorrow but she cancelled and is now reconsidering getting the cat. (The cat is for emotional support and mainly something to alleviate a bit of my depression and to motivate me until we move to a bigger space to get a puppy.) Either before or after Big Lots I had planned to meet with my dad (parents are separated) at Starbucks and walk with him to Panera Bread. Unfortunately, my episode didn't want to end and I came down with a migraine. I told my mom so she took me home so I could take my medication for migraines (Excedrin). When we got in I was still hyperventilating and I threw up three times. It was very difficult for me to swallow the pills even when they were cut in half. I started experiencing heart palpitations and no matter how much cold air I got I still felt like I was burning up. This lasted for 45 minutes-1 hour.
She told me she didn't want me around so she picked up my dad from Starbucks since he had already arrived and dropped us off at his house. She came in and sat down and the three of us had a long talk that probably lasted for 1-2 hours. She said she needed a break from me and victimized herself by saying, "She verbally abused me!" I guess I did. It's not like I pressured her and that led to her being emotionally abusive. I hadn't done anything and in reality she was the aggressor in this situation.

So she left me here with my dad for the night and hilariously I did not get any sleep. His house is near infested with roaches and his bedroom (where I sleep while he sleeps out in the living room) is full of bedbugs galore. I cut myself (over the situation earlier, not the bugs..) and contemplated suicide for a while. I counted 11 bites only 1 hour in the bed and started freaking out when I kept killing newborn bed bugs and adult ones. Newborns were all over my blanket, laptop, an adult was crawling up the bed from the back, another one on the right side, on the left...I tried smashing an adult one and it wouldn't stop moving until the third smash. I'm not a bug person so I started crying and left the bed. With my luck, I see two huge roaches on the wall and I'm trapped in this room. My dad made it clear that he sleeps in the living room and I sleep in the room. It sounds stupid, childish, and wimpy of me but I was literally in the corner shaking and crying hoping a roach wouldn't fall near or on me from the ceiling. Roaches are a huge deal for me. It didn't help that earlier that day I had walked into the kitchen of his house only to find a huge group of baby and adult roaches all together. When I stepped near them, they all sprawled out. It creeps me out and scares me to no end. I did not sleep at all last night. It's now 3:58 PM and I still haven't gone to sleep. This morning I was supposed to volunteer at a shelter holding an adoption fair and I couldn't make it because I hadn't been able to sleep in such a condition.
I told my mom about it and her only response was, "You can come home tonight."
Well, okay. That's great. Unfortunately, she had me haul over my duffle bag and I am 100% sure I will be bringing home bed bugs and maybe even some roaches tonight, too. I'm so stressed out over this.

The only good thing was that my (long-distance) boyfriend was here with me from the time I woke up yesterday to the time he fell asleep (he stayed up with me even though he had to get up in the morning today. He's in Australia btw so time difference.) We usually talk all day anyway but yesterday was a bit different and more important to me. I would say another good thing is that today my dad ordered pizza and my mom is picking me up sometime tonight. :) Hopefully I will still be getting the cat..

Dalcourt
September 5th, 2015, 07:02 PM
Oh man, this is really messed up. Your Mom's really treating you very unfair by not only emotionally but physically abusing you.
I mean I could tell you now that you should tell someone and get help and stuff but I'm sure you know that you could do that, right?
It would be ridiculous anyway cuz ma Dad's physically abusive and I never have the courage to do something against it. So who am I to tell ya what to do?
Maybe parents acting like that is really an Afro-American thing, who knows?

And well I totally understand your freaking out about the roaches...just hate them, too, esp. flying roaches...the horror.

I really hope you feel better again.
Can't really do or say much else to make you feel better.

But if you wanna talk about it I'm here to listen.

eric2001
September 5th, 2015, 10:48 PM
If I were you I'd tell her that you will grow up some day and have a family. And you will remember everything she's said and done. And you will just make believe she doesn't exist. No visits no grandkids .. nothing. And when she's old and needs you .... zero!

Maybe she'll get the message.

impan1019
September 6th, 2015, 06:19 PM
your mother is fucking messed up

Joseph_II
September 7th, 2015, 06:36 AM
May I ask why you haven't reported her for what she's doing? People need to learn one way or another. Stories like this make me realize how fortunate I am to have good parents.
And please, don't do anything like what you were considering. Your situation is guaranteed to get better.

ObliviousCat
September 7th, 2015, 06:22 PM
Stories like this make me realize how fortunate I am to have good parents.
Your situation is guaranteed to get better.

No offense but I strongly dislike when a person makes the rather ignorant statement, "Your situation is guaranteed to get better." No, it isn't. The fact that you said that shows enough that you have no idea just how severe my disorders are and how severe they can generally be. Not to mention, neither anxiety nor depression can be cured. If my life is going to be permanently affected by the intense panic episodes I have and the depth of my depression, my "situation" is not guaranteed to get better in the slightest (If I would ever consider things "better" I'd have to be cured from my disorders). This is not a "situation". This is my life.

Furthermore, good to know you have nice parents. My mother is a good parent as well but just like all human beings she is bound to make mistakes. What she did is hardly excusable and I'm not justifying her actions but this does not make her a bad parent. She still took me to adopt a cat for emotional support and she's trying all she can to at least put a genuine smile on my face. What happened that day happened and it's just another event in the past, now.

Joseph_II
September 8th, 2015, 04:16 PM
No offense but I strongly dislike when a person makes the rather ignorant statement, "Your situation is guaranteed to get better." No, it isn't. The fact that you said that shows enough that you have no idea just how severe my disorders are and how severe they can generally be. Not to mention, neither anxiety nor depression can be cured. If my life is going to be permanently affected by the intense panic episodes I have and the depth of my depression, my "situation" is not guaranteed to get better in the slightest (If I would ever consider things "better" I'd have to be cured from my disorders). This is not a "situation". This is my life.

I meant you living with your mother. You'll be an adult and move out someday, isn't that right? If that's not an improvement, regardless of how slight, then I don't know what is. I'd say it was clear that that was what I was referring to, taking into account that the thread is titled "My Mom."

ObliviousCat
September 8th, 2015, 04:23 PM
I meant you living with your mother. You'll be an adult and move out someday, isn't that right? If that's not an improvement, regardless of how slight, then I don't know what is. I'd say it was clear that that was what I was referring to, taking into account that the thread is titled "My Mom."

Actually, you wrote "And please, don't do anything like what you were considering. Your situation is guaranteed to get better." It seemed safe for me to assume that by "anything" you were referring to the suicide I was contemplating. Thinking of or attempting suicide implies depression among other things, so when you wrote "Your situation is guaranteed to get better," I thought you were talking about my disorder(s). It could have been interpreted both ways, taking into account that the actual post talks about my mom and my disorders.

Joseph_II
September 8th, 2015, 04:28 PM
Actually, you wrote "And please, don't do anything like what you were considering. Your situation is guaranteed to get better." It seemed safe for me to assume that by "anything" you were referring to the suicide I was contemplating. Thinking of or attempting suicide implies depression among other things, so when you wrote "Your situation is guaranteed to get better," I thought you were talking about my disorder(s). It could have been interpreted both ways, taking into account that the actual post talks about my mom and my disorders.

Before saying you contemplated suicide, you said that you cut yourself over the situation. That situation involved your mother, did it not? That would throw anyone off kilter. Also, non-depressed people can think about suicide (I consider myself an example).

ObliviousCat
September 8th, 2015, 04:33 PM
Before saying you contemplated suicide, you said that you cut yourself over the situation. That situation involved your mother, did it not? That would throw anyone off kilter. Also, non-depressed people can think about suicide (I consider myself an example).

I know ~ that's why I said among other things.
I guess it involved my mother but more so my overthinking and episode.

Kirina
September 9th, 2015, 10:20 AM
A good parent wouldn't be abusive to this extent for over a year and your dad's house has too poor living conditions.

You should tell someone. Hopefully get a better home with more caring guardians.
This won't magically fix your struggles, but they at least be easier to deal with.

ObliviousCat
September 9th, 2015, 10:23 AM
A good parent wouldn't be abusive to this extent for over a year and your dad's house has too poor living conditions.

You should tell someone. Hopefully get a better home with more caring guardians.
This won't magically fix your struggles, but they at least be easier to deal with.

I don't want my parents in trouble .. :/

Kirina
September 9th, 2015, 11:23 AM
I don't want my parents in trouble .. :/

The only trouble your mom gets is that she be unable to cause you trouble. I don't know if your dad is abusive, if not then it's unfortunate for him but you can still keep in touch and even meet him if the new home isn't too far.

Dalcourt
September 9th, 2015, 10:52 PM
The only trouble your mom gets is that she be unable to cause you trouble. I don't know if your dad is abusive, if not then it's unfortunate for him but you can still keep in touch and even meet him if the new home isn't too far.

I'm always amazed on how quick the advice to report your parents and live with some other guardians comes. May sound logical but would those people ... (I don't want to single out you-it is just you who posted it in this case)...all go so easily to the authorities and give up their whole family?

Just wondering and not wanting to spam this thread with off topic stuff

Kirina
September 10th, 2015, 02:42 AM
I'm always amazed on how quick the advice to report your parents and live with some other guardians comes. May sound logical but would those people ... (I don't want to single out you-it is just you who posted it in this case)...all go so easily to the authorities and give up their whole family?
They wouldn't but they should.
It's not giving up the whole family, it's specifically giving up her cruel mom. She's not giving up her dad, but his home. They can still talk if they want.

I know it's difficult, your supposed to love your mom right? Not if your mom deliberately terrorize you.

Like it's not "mild verbal abuse". She attacks her disorders, to get her to say mean things back. Then her mom uses that as an excuse to get physical, while making her think that she caused this, because she's not "diciplined".

She can't possibly heal if she stays with her mom.

EmilySmith
October 2nd, 2015, 03:38 PM
Oh god! she's really crazy

Try to make her understand, that you aren't her property and she can't treat you like her toy! Like you are independent person and she must have some respect! pulling teeth out? don't understand, is this how your grandparents treated on her?

However, your tone looks like a provocation to me… (Sorry for saying that) try to be less defiant… (Sorry for saying it again, but…) try to control emotions… I think, you are turning her in self protecting, or dominating mode… and that's the problem. Like she sees threat in you… She's your mother, but she's a person as well… Maybe with your actions, you harm her pride as well? what do you think? sorry for being honest, but… what if you try to be less defiant? It's hard to control yourself, but it may work.

Talk to her, like a grown up person, make her realize, that you aren't her little girl but a grown up person… and she should have some respect… (without emotions…. but calmly) pull your teeth out? that's not how you should talk to your daughter! you try to be less defiant, and if it won't work, than problem is completely in your mother and she needs psychiatrist…

Legoboy
October 5th, 2015, 03:58 AM
It's part of African-American culture, apparently, to discipline their children in such a way. I don't believe her when she says African-American parents would knock the teeth out of their children in the old days but I do believe her when she says they'd wash their mouth out with soap, spank them, etc. (mainly because she told me from experience.)
Whatever discipline 'standards' she's thinking are ok aren't ok by our culture in the UK or in the USA. About 3 months ago I was there when my social worker tore a new one out of a 1st generation African dad who basically was complaining that the system wasn't supporting him in disciplining his kid in traditional ways. He was complaining he wasn't getting support and she was like 'damn right' you can't starve your child, beat them with sticks, lock them in their room for a month and stuff like that.

If US (and UK) child psychologists and social workers etc have decided something is abuse based on scientific research and evidence, then I have more confidence in thinking their advice is good advice than 'oh its fine we've always punched our kids teeth in'.

Abuse is abuse, and 'cultural differences' aren't an excuse.

Bebdina
November 23rd, 2015, 01:16 PM
No offense but I strongly dislike when a person makes the rather ignorant statement, "Your situation is guaranteed to get better." No, it isn't. The fact that you said that shows enough that you have no idea just how severe my disorders are and how severe they can generally be. Not to mention, neither anxiety nor depression can be cured. If my life is going to be permanently affected by the intense panic episodes I have and the depth of my depression, my "situation" is not guaranteed to get better in the slightest (If I would ever consider things "better" I'd have to be cured from my disorders). This is not a "situation". This is my life.

Hey,
I read your post, and could prob write an answer just as long. But the first thing I want to tell you is that anxiety and depression can be cured. It might take a long time and hard work, but it can be done.

ObliviousCat
November 23rd, 2015, 03:32 PM
Hey,
I read your post, and could prob write an answer just as long. But the first thing I want to tell you is that anxiety and depression can be cured. It might take a long time and hard work, but it can be done.

There is currently no cure for depression nor anxiety, only treatment, such as medication and therapy. Either way, this was a bit of an old response, and doesn't apply to my current viewpoint. I am on medication and things have gotten much better and it has been alleviated, but there is no such thing as a cure for my disorders. They still exist.

Bebdina
November 24th, 2015, 11:58 AM
There is currently no cure for cancer either, but people get medication and treatment, and they still get rid of it.
I am glad to hear that your situation is better, and hope one day you can see and begin to believe that you can get rid of your disorders.
Hope you are still getting help from your therapist.

ObliviousCat
November 24th, 2015, 03:25 PM
There is currently no cure for cancer either, but people get medication and treatment, and they still get rid of it.
I am glad to hear that your situation is better, and hope one day you can see and begin to believe that you can get rid of your disorders.
Hope you are still getting help from your therapist.

And, usually, the cancer ends up coming back later on down the road. Please do not compare cancer to depression - they are two different things. There are many different types of depression. Situational depression will end up going away but will likely come back during another stressful situation. Clinical depression can affect you permanently or can be alleviated for a while, take a break and come back later on down in your life. The same goes for major depression. Then there's chronic depression and recurrent depression, which, as you can hopefully tell by the name, recurs and recurs again. There is no endpoint for depression. The aim of treatment is not to make patients "better" or "cured" but to make them feel well. This is usually the reason why medication only alleviates your emotional pain instead of, you know, making you magically happy. Same for therapy. The disorder tends to recur. Sometimes even with excellent expert treatment, depression can return and become chronic. Relapses usually happen. For now, no unambiguous endpoint of treatment has been defined and no specific test of cure exists.
No offense, but you do know what the words "treatment" and "cure" mean, don't you?
A treatment is medical care given to a patient for an illness or injury. For example, a patient receiving treatment for an injured shoulder. Eventually, the pain of being injured will be alleviated and might even be completely gone, but he will still have an injured shoulder, which is what he was being treated for in the first place. This, in turn, will make him more vulnerable and easier for the same shoulder to get hurt again, and the pain may end up recurring later down the road.
A cure is the relief of the symptoms of a disease or condition. In other words, it's supposed to heal patients, restore them to health, etc. etc. Curing is the complete relief of symptoms - not just masking it or making you feel like you're better when you aren't. This is why, you know, that broken shoulder the patient from earlier has will not get his shoulder "cured," for example, as his bones won't be restored or healed back to the way they used to be.

Bebdina
November 24th, 2015, 05:30 PM
Well, it sounds like you have a really good handle on your situation.
(Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes is good to challenge your thinking)

You have contracted an incurable case of depression and anxiety.
You have been in therapy since you were 12. (any improvement?)
Your mother "deliberately triggers" your episodes. (how do you allow it to happen?)
Both you and your mom are verbally abusive to each other and your dad's house is infested with roaches.
But that's ok because you don't want your parents to get in trouble. (why?)
You wrote that things were better now, and yet you started the post writing the abuse has been going on for over a year...(?)
And you want a cat for emotional support. (In your depressed state, will you remember to feed him?)

After I read your older responses, it sounds like you write back to teach members about your disorder, instead of looking for an answer to your situation.

From here it looks like you are either used to your situation, or you are using your disorders to justify your behavior. (which one is it?)

Do you have Any power at all over your problems? Do you even want to improve them?

ObliviousCat
November 24th, 2015, 10:51 PM
Well, it sounds like you have a really good handle on your situation.
(Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes is good to challenge your thinking)

You have contracted an incurable case of depression and anxiety.
You have been in therapy since you were 12. (any improvement?)
Your mother "deliberately triggers" your episodes. (how do you allow it to happen?)
Both you and your mom are verbally abusive to each other and your dad's house is infested with roaches.
But that's ok because you don't want your parents to get in trouble. (why?)
You wrote that things were better now, and yet you started the post writing the abuse has been going on for over a year...(?)
And you want a cat for emotional support. (In your depressed state, will you remember to feed him?)

After I read your older responses, it sounds like you write back to teach members about your disorder, instead of looking for an answer to your situation.

From here it looks like you are either used to your situation, or you are using your disorders to justify your behavior. (which one is it?)

Do you have Any power at all over your problems? Do you even want to improve them?

Don't start talking about my cat, because it will strike a nerve in me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I find it offensive and stupid for you to ask such a dumb question. Who do you think I am? Some four year old kid who got a puppy for Christmas and doesn't know the responsibilities of caring for another living creature? I am responsible for this cat - she is like a baby to me. I am her caretaker, and in return she gives me a lot of affection and care. She sleeps with me, I spend a lot of time and effort to train her, she even cares for me when I'm under emotional stress and anxiety attacks. I can go on and on and on about the things this cat does for me but because of her loving and doglike nature and how much I love her it would fill up the entire damn page. Don't fucking talk about my cat. The way you delivered it made it seem like you were assuming I only wanted an emotional support animal for myself and would be selfish and irresponsible, which as I've said before, is extremely offensive to me and strikes a nerve, because I love that cat very freaking much. She means everything to me.
I don't know what behaviors you're talking about.
Yes, I want to improve them. Who the hell wants to live with major depression and anxiety? -_- Seriously, just dumb questions being thrown from left and right. And I have improved them, if you bothered to read what I wrote before. The verbal abuse has stopped because we've worked on it. What kind of question is why when you restate me not wanting to get my parents in trouble? I'm not an adult. I'm still a child and I live with them. They are my parents and caretakers. Do you know what it'd be like if I had to go into a foster home, lose my emotional support animal and the only friend I have on top of all the disorders I go through?
Also, do you think I allowed it to happen? If you read my original post, correct me if I'm wrong, but I said that I've asked her to stop many times. I couldn't walk away that day, of course, because we were in the car in a parking lot. There was no way out of that situation.

I apologize for the harsh tone, but as I've said, the thing about my cat really struck a nerve in me.

PhandomMember
November 27th, 2015, 02:44 PM
I would recommend talking to a professional who has dealt with this kind of issue. You should NEVER be treated this way, especially by your family. All I can say is be strong. I've been there, and I understand what it's like. Your mom may be having a hard time right now, but it gets better. I promise.

angelina
November 27th, 2015, 11:59 PM
The only trouble your mom gets is that she be unable to cause you trouble. I don't know if your dad is abusive, if not then it's unfortunate for him but you can still keep in touch and even meet him if the new home isn't too far.

i agree..it is Rather a good suggestion to get rid of the abusive behavior of your mom