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StressedOut
August 16th, 2015, 02:28 PM
WARNING, I AM BEING BRUTALLY HONEST

I self harm. If you can really even call it that...My cuts are minor, as they barely bleed and are more like shallow scratches, but I feel like I am slipping from the edge anyways.

I feel like I don't fit the typical self-harm profile, as my family all loves me, we have enough money, I'm intelligent, and am going to go to an Ivy League College.

I could go on and on about how my intelligence has resulted in a serious immaturity when it comes to socializing, and how my sensitivity and paranoia constantly over people hating me and planning to embarrass me has messed with my life, but for me to truly explain how I feel would take me an hour to write, and I just don't feel like it.

People with high IQ's are known for severe sensitivity, but my doctor also thinks I am ADD/ADHD, so I feel as if I really won the lottery here.
Either way, I can't deal with stress...like, at all. And I have a lot of stress in my life. Everyone expects me to be this genius all the time, with perfect grades and an eloquent way of speaking...but I can't stop worrying about my future, and the chance of me failing in life.

The first time I cut was about six months ago. I was upset over failing a test in Math, and I was simply curious as to how anyone could hurt themselves voluntarily. I grabbed some scissors and just made two cuts on each hip, very shallow. They barely hurt and they barely bled, but over the next few days I couldn't stop feeling them and looking at them and thinking about it. So I did it again a few days later, just a few cuts on my side. Someone from my work saw the cuts -which were really only scratches- on my side when my shirt lifted a bit, and said very loudly, "DO YOU CUT YOURSELF?"
i was mortified. Everyone got really awkward, and I realized that I had been romanticizing all of this. I'd expected people to maybe notice and say nothing but come to realize that everyone had their own stories. that obviously isn't what happens...

I didn't cut for a few months, but whenever i did, they'd be incredibly shallow, just on my hips or ribs, or breasts. I kept telling myself how smart I was to be careful, and how i would never do more than a few at a time and never too deep. I had read that cutting gets worse slowly over time, but i convinced myself that I was too good for that.

over the past summer i didn't cut at all, as i felt no need to, but i got into a few fights with my parents about a month ago, and its like the floodgates have opened. before, i had always considered myself so good at doing a few cuts, then being done. but i cut a little, tried to go to sleep, went back into the bathroom and cut some more, tried to go to sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat. They were still just shallow cuts, of course, as i just use a tiny pocket knife or scissors, and am too afraid of cutting deeper. plus, i only cut where my skin is thicker, such as on my hips or side. no arm cuts for me, thank you.

I also considered myself above other cutters because I only ever cut when I was really stressed out. But just a few days ago, things took a turn for the worse.

Out of the blue i felt the urge to cut.

I've never understood the term 'triggered' but i think i do now. I was watching a show in which the main character was just the tiniest bit suicidal seeming, and depressed, and suddenly I just had to cut. And so I did. And did some more. And some more.

Still none of my cuts are deep, but over the course of this entire weekend, I just keep adding about 8-9 shallow cuts over the others every few hours. I can't stop. Just a few months ago I was convinced that I would never get bad, and now I am laughing/dry sobbing as i cut, and I'm beginning to love the sting that I feel.

I love the sight of the blood beading on the deeper cuts that i did just this morning and one side of me wants them to scar while the other is mortified.

i took pictures of the cuts, and i love it. but i also hate it. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone.
I'm a perfectionist by nature, which adds to my stress, so if I can't even be good at cutting, then I obviously can't be good at anything.

Part of me feels as if I don't even deserve to say that i self harm, simply because my cuts are so minor and pathetic. I'm not even brave enough to really, TRULY cut myself except for little shallow slices.

I don't expect anyone to actually read this whole thing, but if you did, thanks. I just needed to get this all off my chest.
Sincerely,
StressedOut

wolf g
August 16th, 2015, 05:32 PM
i read all what are you write it i want you to go to the doctor you really need a help
we are the muslims when we see someone like that we told to back to the god it's the right way to survive
we named that that you soul it's told you to do that because there is something you miss it in your life so for that you do all of this
Or like the doctors say you want to leave people to remark that you are exist
my question is are you teen?
if yes that is normal because maybe you have problems in your high school .
if no your soul is tell you to do that .
i think you should wait the others to tell you what should you do maybe they will not want me to say it or maybe it's illegale

THJKIGB
August 16th, 2015, 05:44 PM
Stressedout: I really think the main issue here is the cutting is something that seems to have become a focus in your life and that is not good at all. Maybe you're not cutting deep, but you seem to be fixated on cutting whenever something stressful emerges in your life, once again not a good thing. I have never gone through cutting myself so I can't tell you exactly how you feel, but from what I read I think you do need to seek professional help before it gets even more out of control. I would also not be ashamed to go forward with this just because you are extremely intelligent. I imagine many high IQ people struggle with this same issue and probably other major issues in there lives as well. Good Luck and please seek professional help.

WaffleSingSong
August 17th, 2015, 03:40 AM
As others said, I think that you need to seek some form of professional help, they can help you find the roots to your relationship with cutting and hopefully find a way to help you end it before it gets too serious.

Something else to add, and I know that this can be hard to understand at times for people, but you really shouldn't care about how others think of you, or at least let non-constructive criticism from people that hardly know you get to your head. You can't control how they think, no matter how hard you try, but what you can control is your reaction to how they think. I know that this will also sound hard, and kinda new age-hippyish, but sometimes you have to sit back and let the natural order of the universe do it's thing, and things can turn out better for you. I suggest learning about Stoicism, and maybe some of the philosophy of Buddhism as well.

You also have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. Only you know who you are, and what your capable of. If you have an I.Q of 129<, you could think about joining Mensa, and getting to know people with higher I.Q levels just like yourself. Intelligent? If you have a Academic/Quiz Bowl team, why not go ahead and do that? Put your strengths to good use by doing things that support those strengths, and you will find people who will admire you for your strengths and have similar interests to you.

Good luck in life!

P.S, be proud to say that your parents love you. You'd be surprised how many people can't say that.

Doc. Maestro
August 17th, 2015, 07:30 AM
Hey, first of all I'm sorry that this plague has reached you too. Secondly I'm also in a similar position, but I'm better now, clean for over 50 days but still feeling like shit inside. Anyway, I'm the intelligent kind as well, and reading it I also have a bit of an ego that you seem to have. I won't claim to be an expert, but I know quite a lot about basic psychology, and combined with my personal experiences with fighting depression, a possible case of bipolar/manic-depressive(disorder...?), and paranoia and insecurity as well, I know for sure that I can help you.

Feel free to post in my diary, and talk to me if you ever need to, I'll always be here and I'm on almost every night. I'm in Australia so don't be afraid if I don't reply immediately :)

And don't worry about your paranoia, it is a good defence mechanism (I always plan on how to defend myself against the guy in the street that is definitely stalking me even though he's like jogging and clearly has no weapons on him but he's secretly stashing a knife in his underwear and is going to slit my throat the moment he passes by so I have to remember to dodge and deflect the blow before side kicking his knee and crippling him before running and calling the police on him... sorry lol). Also, the insecurity I feel; people that are just laughing with friends as I pass by despite knowing they're not talking to me, and other things like that. I almost had a severe violent outbreak last week because of it, so trust me I know.

Anyway, I've gone on too long, feel free to talk to me, good luck, and have a great day :)

HealingScars
September 10th, 2015, 01:06 PM
StressedOut I can completely relate to you. And, was the same way at one point in my life. It is something that happens. Do you have anyone you can talk too? Therapist? Doctor? The reason I ask is because even though the cuts are just like shallow scratches now; they could become worse as time progresses. Especially considering the fact you have started to progessively cut more. My cuts started out the same way. Shallow; not even in the range of being severe. But as time went on and stressors started happening more and more the severity of my cuts also progressed. As well as how often I felt the need to cut. And, it was to a point where if I was watching the movie Scream 1, 2, & 3 I would have to cut. Even if I had no "legit" reason why. At the moment it made sense. And, one night it got to the point I was using razor blades. Was planning on ending it. Don't want that happen. Anyway I hope knowing you are not alone and I hope everything works out for you. I am here for you as well anyone else. Have a great day. Keep on fighting you will win the battle. Stay Strong