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ObliviousCat
August 14th, 2015, 04:13 PM
Note: This is only an excerpt of first chapter of this written work. There are more chapters, but my writing style is consistent. To avoid how long this post would be if I pasted all 4 chapters, I'm only providing 1.
I'd like some feedback in regards to the use of imagery.
I'd also appreciate it if you spot any typos or grammatical errors and point it out to me. :)
Thank you for your time.


Outside of the cabin, the wind howled through the trees, and inside, the fire was nearly out. This is what it had been like for Aya over the course of the last 8 months. By dawn, she was already prepared to start her day off with hunting, fishing, and the leisure activities she had. By dusk, she was sitting by the fireplace, listening quietly to the wind outside the wooden cabin she stayed in.
She was only 24 years old but was very certain of herself; confident that she could take care of herself as she had learned to grow up very fast and dependent. Aya wanted to experience what it would be like to live as a hermit, away from civilization and close to the wildlife and the animals. It turned out to be everything she presumed it to be: lonely and quite boring. If she wasn't killing off straying deer and cooking them for Venison stew, she was doodling or jotting something down in one of her many traveler's notebooks.
The cabin was cozy enough, at least. She found it abandoned with some furniture left behind, if she could call it that, blessed with a fireplace and a velvet rug in the center of the crooked floor. The place was also adorned with a table and two chairs, set in the corner of the room next to the entrance, indicating that people had been here before. They never returned. Aya didn't know what to do with the second chair except drape her feet upon it whilst relaxing or eating.
When she first settled in, which took a few days, she became used to where she would keep her belongings. She'd keep her hunting gear and clothing by the door on the right side, across from the dining set, her canned foods and seasonings in the cabinet just above the counter, affixed to the floor and adjacent to the chairs. It was her new home, and she hasn't yet contacted any of her family or friends from her previous one. The only person who knew of her adventure, so to say, was her sister, whom Aya trusted with all of her heart. She didn't want anyone to know of her whereabouts but she knew how worried and distressed her sister would be.
The fire finally died down - there was a few moments of delay whenever the fireplace would be turned off. The only source that illuminated the room was now gone, leaving the young woman to quickly be swallowed up by the darkness. Crawling over to the bed pallet she prepared on the rug, she almost immediately coiled up into fetal position, shut her little eyes, and allowed her thoughts to wander as she drifted off to sleep.


There were only two windows in the cabin: one next to the dining set and one above the fireplace. Despite being in the woods, the cabin had been built in almost a perfect location. While the window was in a rather odd place, it offered a gorgeous view of the wavering stream behind the shack. There was a clearing as no trees, plants or vines had grown to cover up the view. It was the same for the other window that offered a nice view of the wildlife: towering, sappy trees, wandering critters such as hungry squirrels, and unique plants to admire. Aya quite enjoyed observing the nature as she ate her meals.
The sunlight has always come in from the window above the fireplace, and lit up the room with its golden rays. Aya, fortunate enough to have a working wristwatch, always checked the time when she woke up and has never failed to wake up at the same time every morning: 6:30 AM.
Aya woke up on the floor of her cabin as she usually does and gave herself a full minute to become awake and alert. It didn't take too long for her to stand to her bare feet and get changed, however it did take her a prolonged moment to contemplate what she'd have for breakfast. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hunt or fish and bring home the carcass to cook or if she just wanted a quick meal of canned beans or corn. Neither were an ideal breakfast meal, but she had become used to it after all these months.
After deciding, she slipped her arms through her mahogany trench coat and grabbed her fishing gear before setting out. Fish sounded pretty good and she figured that hooking a trout or smallmouth bass from the stream behind her cottage wouldn't take nearly as long as walking through the trail to catch an unsuspecting animal...after several failed attempts, of course.
There was no way to lock the cabin but after spending the time she had there, she felt comfortable and safe leaving her home, as it was definitely far away from society.
Breathing in the fresh, Autumn air, Aya strode behind her house and over to the calm stream. In fact, it was calm enough to swim or bathe in. This is something that Aya had done often and took pleasure in the most.
But today, seconds turned into minutes, and minutes seemed to turn into hours, as she sat propped up on a rock nearby and waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing, not even a nibble. The fish weren't willing to come out and play so easily this morning, so Aya let out a defeated sigh as she realized she'd likely have to conform to eating canned goods.
Suddenly, just as she was about to stand and return to her isolation, a twig snapped in the distance. Aya's head darted to the direction the sound emitted from as her entire body reacted with fear.
She tensed up, hoping and praying that it wasn't a ravenous wolf or bear. She did not have her rifle on her for protection against such an unforgiving beast.
Thoughts swirled around in her head as her fight-or-flight response was activated, epinephrine seizing through her veins. As she listened, remaining still, she heard footsteps behind the trees. They were firm, but soft, and coming closer. It didn't sound like it belonged to any animal she's heard before.
She watched the trees closely and eagerly, wondering just what...just what was lurking behind them, when suddenly...
A pale hand gripped the last tree and the tip of a boot poked out a couple of feet down.
Aya let out a loud gasp and jumped to her feet. In response to her shrill cry, the hand and boot retreated.
"Hey!"
Quite bravely, she quick stepped to the left and stood in disbelief as she came face to face with another human being for the first time in 8 months.


Psst, if you've made it all the way down here, thanks! *Gives cookie* That's for for taking out the time. ^^
I'd also like to apologize for the lack of formatting. The format isn't displayed properly although it is written in the proper structure prior to submitting this post.

StoppingTom
August 14th, 2015, 05:18 PM
I think you have a real talent for writing, I thought the imagery was really good, the pacing was great, and I was kept interested throughout the entire chapter.

I'm interested to see how this story develops, I think you're doing a great job o wo

wolf g
August 14th, 2015, 05:35 PM
good job

ObliviousCat
August 14th, 2015, 05:57 PM
I think you have a real talent for writing, I thought the imagery was really good, the pacing was great, and I was kept interested throughout the entire chapter.

I'm interested to see how this story develops, I think you're doing a great job o wo

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

good job

Thank you :D



Posts merged. Next time, please use the "Multi" quote button. -Alluring

wolf g
August 14th, 2015, 06:11 PM
no problem

Porpoise101
August 14th, 2015, 07:01 PM
Nice job I have one tip for your writing though. My lit teacher taught me to minimize the usage of being verbs like is, am, was, etc. Instead of "the fire was nearly out" try "the fire dimmed." By doing that you will tend to use more specific words that can make your writing much stronger. Good job!

ObliviousCat
August 14th, 2015, 09:05 PM
I like that tip. Thanks for sharing! I'll try to work on incorporating that style into my writing from now on. Thank you for the encouragement as well.