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TooSleepyToCare
July 25th, 2015, 01:01 AM
Hey guys.



Here's a story I swore to never tell anyone until the day that I die. Today I am breaking that promise for the first time because the person I promised it to.. is no longer with us. May she rest in peace.

My step mom and I were never close. In fact, because my dad and I would fight all the time, and he would leave the house, she always had this kind of.. resentment towards me. She never showed any kind of feeling or emotion towards me and was always kinda mean to me compared to my other siblings.

She was young, 30 actually, and she was a go getter. She was a happy, cheery, sunshine and rainbows kind of person. I am not. I literally avoid everyone. She was religious and I am not. She believed in authority and I do not. She was optimistic and I am nihilistic. We never saw eye to eye. I resented her. I hated that she couldn't see my dad for who he is and she ignores the fact that he is abusive and hateful. She also believed that children were not capable of having feelings.

My older brother does this thing to be mean and calls me emo at the dinner table. He makes fun of my sexuallity and says harsh things. One time he called me an emo bitch and said that I should just go cut myself to sleep. I told him cutters and emos are stupid. He always made it a point, almost like he was trying to make it public that I cut and he knew about it even though I had never told anyone.

Six months ago, I cut. Bad. I started bleeding heavily and thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. The cuts were so deep that moving my legs stung and ripped them back open. I went to go take a shower and fell asleep in the tub. My step mom opened the door after I had been in there a while and found me submerged in orange murky water. She pulled me out of the water and dried me off and dressed my legs with gauze and anti-infectious ointment and creams. Then she got clothes from my room and helped me get dressed and we went to the living room just her and I to talk. I was so scared. I thought she was gonna tell my dad and he would hurt me.


That's when my perception of her changed. She told me that she cuts and that I wasn't allowed to tell my dad. She told me she had been clean for almost six months. She said it hurt when my brother and I would make fun of emo kids and that's how she suspected that I did it. She cried and held me and then she started to have a panic attack because she had never told anyone in her entire life and that of all people, she told me. She told me some things I never would have thought about her and how she loved me but she was afraid of getting close to me, which I still don't understand.

After that, we were super close. We watched movies, talked about friends and our feelings. I never thought I would become friends with her. She would text me from work and she even would stop my dad from picking on me. I genuinely loved her. She was the mother I never had.

Two months ago, she passed away in the hospital. She started doing drugs again and missed her dialysis for three days and her kidneys failed. My dad hugged me and cried and my brother (her only biological son) cried for once. I still don't know why, but as they wheeled her corpse out of the room, not one tear shed. I think I was sad, and I know I am now. But I couldn't cry. Not even a whimper. It wasn't until the other day when it finally hit me and I cried and cut again.

I love you mom.


Anyways, I hope you guys are okay out there, I know life is rough and it only gets harder but if you need anything, I am always here to talk. I don't know why I decided to share this and I really regret it now, but I just finished typing it so here it is I guess.

Love you guys.

-Sleepy

Meh Guy
July 25th, 2015, 08:40 AM
I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like both of you have had a bit of a rough life. I'm glad you decided to share this story and I hope you eventually feel good about it too, nothing to regret. We all go through pain in our lives, some more than others. It's good that you two settled your differences and became close. Hopefully you get on the road to becoming clean as well, I wish the best for you. :)

Abhorrence
July 27th, 2015, 12:42 AM
Damn, that story was hard hitting. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that you're going through this. Grief takes many different approaches on many different people. I guess because of the way you had no-one to talk to before her you may bottle your emotions up because it was just a thing you did and now the person you could've spoke to is gone. I hope you know that people on here are there to talk with you and advise you even if the advice isn't always professional standard. I hope everything gets better.

Doc. Maestro
July 27th, 2015, 07:57 AM
I'm sorry for your loss, but your lack of tears can be natural. Sometimes it affects us so greatly that we cannot really accept it, and we can't really believe it. It could also be the first stage of grief: denial. Subconscious denial, but still denial. But don't worry, remember that your mum's spirit lives on in all those who wish to do well for the world. I myself have had cutting problems and I have been clean for over a month. I have recently started to try and begin "shedding" my darker skin, and have begun trying to start doing good for the world again, and resume my work as a good Samaritan. So if you ever feel you need to talk, feel free to message me, I'll do my best to respond asap (I live in Australia, so if you're in America it might take a day or two)