View Full Version : Help for a friend

July 8th, 2015, 12:39 PM
So obviously I'm pretty new here. But I need help. One of my good friends, a girl, had been acting really weird. When I asked her what was wrong, she broke down. She was raped. Two of my best guy friends (both better friends with her than I) picked up on it too, but were reluctant to ask her. So I did. I'm still the only one that she has told.
Her family isn't exactly perfect, but not abusive either. Before she told me, she made me promise not to make her tell her parents, school, or police. She claimed to be fine.. Not. I've offered any help she needs about 50times but I think she's ignoring me. I feel terrible knowing and not helping. What should I do?

Just JT
July 8th, 2015, 12:45 PM
she made u promise to not make her tell??
hummm.... sounds like she's tellin u to not make her do somethin, but not askin u to not do something as well...
If ur a real friend ur guna do the right thing here

July 8th, 2015, 12:46 PM
When did it happen ? And do you know who by ? Also why doesn't she want to go the police, is see protecting the person

July 8th, 2015, 12:48 PM
She isn't telling the details more than "I'm not telling you where it happened". The day of (at this point a month ago), AFAIK she was home or at the country club all day. She won't tell her parents understandably given the circumstances. But she downright refused to go to any higher person/authority than myself.

July 8th, 2015, 12:53 PM
And it doesn't really help, either, that she wasn't in the most solid frame of mind at the time of the incident. Several months ago, she lost one of her best friends to a double suicide.. Every time I tell her that she should tell somebody, even myself or one of the two other guys I mentioned, she says that will only make it worse

July 8th, 2015, 01:04 PM
It is her decision not to want anyone to know. Here's the problem, it will affect her mentally, and can lead to a months-long process that might threaten her confidentiality. Seeing that she broke down when you asked her what was wrong, that is not a good sign and she's not okay. You're a good friend for posting this thread.

Try to ask her why she doesn't want to tell anyone, but don't try to convince her as she will avoid you. I do know you're trying your best to help her.

Is she afraid the police won't believe her? What her family will think of her?

The view that all victims must report to anyone is problematic for several reasons.

Both are rooted in misogyny, even though the impact is felt survivors of all gender identities.

Firstly, the argument is rooted in the belief that it is a woman’s responsibility to stop rape. Rape is an act done overwhelmingly by men, yet society still insists on women to keep it from happening to them.

It is a manifestation a patriarchal norm that women need to put themselves last and not take care of themselves emotionally or mentally.

Sometimes reporting it won't really help, either she has full control on what she wants to do, or it might be the other way around which unfortunately, does happen in most cases. They can and they will let the rapist go.

I say give her space, then speak to her when she feels a bit better and then figure out what she wants to do. Please try to be there for her.

I've seen on here that people want to tell you exactly what you should do. But she must find her way. Everyone else's way won't necessarily work for her.

Meditation might work. Prayer might. Might not. Does for several. She might get a lot from writing poetry. Ask if she wants to work at a rape crisis center, helping with a rape awareness group (such as date rape, etc), teaching a self defense class to women, writing a letter to her rapist telling him how he made her feel (even if she doesn't know who it is and don't mail it), seeing a therapist, group therapy, reading poetry or a book written by someone who has been through the same thing, burn the clothes she was raped in, cry it out.

Grieving about it helps. Tell her it will make her a survivor, not a victim!

July 8th, 2015, 01:12 PM
That's the problem. She asked me to tell one of the two other guys, and when I did, he went crazy. They're both from unstable families, and I think that is one point of association between them. His reaction, though, instead of being worried for her, was concerned about his own conscience. I told her I would screenshot everything, and I did, and I sent it to her. I'd like to think I didn't do anything wrong, but his reaction was terrible and she took that like one of her best friends not wanting to help her. Both me and him have encouraged her to go to support groups or something, but she refuses. Her dad is almost never home, and she's texted me desperately a number of times when her parents are fighting and yelling in the house, so I understand not wanting to tell them. She hardly ever even speaks to them about anything. She didn't think it needed to go to the police, but I actually got fairly suspicious when she wouldn't tell me anything about where, when, or any of those details. Honoring her wish, I'm not going to tell any authority, as I think it is honestly too late for anything the police can do, but I still feel terrible about it

July 8th, 2015, 04:07 PM
She's already incredibly depressed with her friend.. And every time I ask her how I can help she breaks down saying it's her fault and she should've followed her 2 friends