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Captain Who
July 5th, 2015, 08:37 AM
I was wondering if someone could read this and just let me know what needs to be improved. (Or if it is any good at all, haha. Bare in mind it is my first.)



It was a cold winters morn, the sun had only half risen above the horizon and filled the few clouds in the sky with ornate swirls of light blue and fiery oranges; Samlin Flandish had thought these would be perfect conditions to take a little stroll up through the High Hills, the tall cold grass he trudged through wrapped around his ankles like icy tendrils, although by now he may have regretted the decision. He had by now made it to the top of the highest of the High Hills after a few, long, thought filled hours. The air was thinner here but, nonetheless it was thick with bleakness.
Samlin lowered himself carefully on to his soft plaid blanket, which was passed down to him from his mother, he had laid it down so that he wouldnt get a wet bottom blankets are life savers, they can be used in many a situation, Samlin always made sure to leave his home with his blanket tucked safely in his pack.
The first snowflakes of the day had begun to fall, he noticed as one landed on the tip of his nose causing him to shudder, he wiped it away swiftly.
He gazed into the distance looking across the land that he had once gladly called home, he could see illuminated incandescence which stuck out like a sharp thorn upon the dull city beneath him. Once a thriving region, now burnt to rubble, the brown and white colours of the town buildings had amalgamated into clutter and chaos, the odd spark of yellow flame could be seen where fires still licked at the sides of buildings and the merry mens fishing boats, a steady stream of thick black smoke rose high above these fires Samlin had thought that if the smoke rose any higher, it might have reached him up here. Right in the centre of this desolation stood the citadel; a lonely, magnificent structure made of the finest stones and held up by pure golden pillars, which would glow in the suns mighty gaze. This was Elaeria.

Hudor
July 5th, 2015, 09:04 AM
I like it. Just a suggestion though. Idk if you intend to make it as such but the opening scene of Samlin climbing up the hill seems quite peaceful in contrast to the chaos, destruction you display just after. I felt the violence in the next scene doesn't come out properly and is diluted by the calmness depicted before that. I feel unless you want it to be as such and probably have Samlin cause the destruction or something like that (in which case his taking a little stroll over the hills seems explicable) you might want to lessen the first scene to lead up to the violence depicted thereafter. That is what I gauge at a first glance. If there's some plot significance to the contrasting scenes(which could be interesting tbh) then leave it unchanged.

For a first time though, it seems to be good. :)

Captain Who
July 5th, 2015, 04:35 PM
I like it. Just a suggestion though. Idk if you intend to make it as such but the opening scene of Samlin climbing up the hill seems quite peaceful in contrast to the chaos, destruction you display just after. I felt the violence in the next scene doesn't come out properly and is diluted by the calmness depicted before that. I feel unless you want it to be as such and probably have Samlin cause the destruction or something like that (in which case his taking a little stroll over the hills seems explicable) you might want to lessen the first scene to lead up to the violence depicted thereafter. That is what I gauge at a first glance. If there's some plot significance to the contrasting scenes(which could be interesting tbh) then leave it unchanged.

For a first time though, it seems to be good. :)

I can see what you are saying and thank you for the comment. I was going for a contrast in scenes for a reason, although what you have said has made me notice somethings that I should alter, so thank you. :)

Judean Zealot
July 5th, 2015, 05:10 PM
This is excellent and has a lot of potential in that which you know how to employ words to project some sort of emotion.

I would work on the syntax a little more, though.

Hudor
July 5th, 2015, 10:07 PM
I can see what you are saying and thank you for the comment. I was going for a contrast in scenes for a reason, although what you have said has made me notice some things that I should alter, so thank you. :)

Oh that's great then. The contrast adds more intrigue to it. Good luck with the novel :)

Captain Who
July 6th, 2015, 12:34 PM
This is excellent and has a lot of potential in that which you know how to employ words to project some sort of emotion.

I would work on the syntax a little more, though.

Ok, I will take that information and edit my work further. Also thank you for your kind comment. :)

Tesserax
July 7th, 2015, 10:36 AM
This is quite good, I agree with the others. However you are a little bit too direct. I see that you have good intention with the writing of this, but the story feels slightly less poetic/dreamy than direct. "It was a cold winter's morn', the sun had only half-risen across the horizon...". This could be written instead as "He stepped outside and breathed in the freezing winter air. As he looked across/over the (insert geographical landmark here), he saw the sun peaking over the horizon, bathing the land in its early morning rays, mixing with the clouds to create chaotic yet mesmerizing swirls of light blue and fire orange."

You're almost there, and your writing is indeed very impressive, but you can take it a step further. It's an art to learn this, and it is hard to teach but if you want help just PM me and I can try to give some tips here and there, and it will take a lot of reading, writing, and experimenting. Eventually you'll get it perfect though, you're almost there as I said. Keep it up, and don't forget to PM me if you want help with this :)

Captain Who
July 12th, 2015, 04:16 AM
This is quite good, I agree with the others. However you are a little bit too direct. I see that you have good intention with the writing of this, but the story feels slightly less poetic/dreamy than direct. "It was a cold winter's morn', the sun had only half-risen across the horizon...". This could be written instead as "He stepped outside and breathed in the freezing winter air. As he looked across/over the (insert geographical landmark here), he saw the sun peaking over the horizon, bathing the land in its early morning rays, mixing with the clouds to create chaotic yet mesmerizing swirls of light blue and fire orange."

You're almost there, and your writing is indeed very impressive, but you can take it a step further. It's an art to learn this, and it is hard to teach but if you want help just PM me and I can try to give some tips here and there, and it will take a lot of reading, writing, and experimenting. Eventually you'll get it perfect though, you're almost there as I said. Keep it up, and don't forget to PM me if you want help with this :)

Ok, thank you so much! This helped me greatly. I agree with what you're saying, I just couldn't see this in my own writing at first.

CosmicNoodle
July 12th, 2015, 05:22 AM
Dat generic opening