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View Full Version : It's Not Getting Better


LunaHermione
July 2nd, 2015, 07:02 PM
I have this friend who I've known for about 12 years now and she's like my best friend, but for the past couple of years we barely spoke to each other, like we'd only see each other once every few months. Not because we'd fell out, it just kinda happened. And things were really hard without her, like I'd relapse all the time and I had no one who I'd trust enough to tell. But these past few months we've been seeing each other every week and I'm so glad, and we have a great time when we're out, always laughing and having fun. I don't want to tell her about my self harm because she thought I stopped years ago and I don't want her to worry. But my problem is that I always thought she could make everything better, you know? Like I thought I'd start to be happy again but I'm not. I come home after having an amazing day with her and I end up breaking down and self harming again. And I'm really scared because she was the one person I thought would make everything okay. I thought I'd be better now that she's back in my life properly but I'm not. I know you can't depend on someone for your own happiness but I can't be my own happiness. I just can't. And I always had this hope that I'd be fine when we're seeing each other often again, but now we are and it's not helping. Like I said, I have an amazing time when I'm with her, and I've missed her so much, I just always thought I'd be fine once we're hanging out again but I'm not. And I'm scared because she was my last hope, you know? And I don't understand why I breakdown and still feel like shit and still hurt myself after having such a great time with her. I don't have fake smiles when I'm around her, I have real ones. I'm not even sure what my damn question is. I guess it's why are things not getting better? Which I know you guys don't have the answer too. Fuck. Sorry for the long post I just really don't understand why things aren't getting better. It's been 5 years and I don't want to feel like this any more. I'm tired.

Jaffe
July 2nd, 2015, 07:40 PM
Things that make us better are not outside us. They're not our family, or our friends, or any other person. They're not whats around us. The things that make us better are inside us.

That said, its always good to be able to talk to someone, and even just doing fun stuff with your friends probably gives you some relief, but you might not notice it. Distractions are good... but they dont really change whats inside.

Keep working on it. You'll figure it out.

Fiction
July 3rd, 2015, 05:52 AM
Like Jaffe said, things outside us can make us happy but not make us better. To make yourself better thought patterns need to be changed.

How about keeping a diary, try and identify the emotions that lead to these breakdowns after you see her, and at any othe time. It might not just be one emotional that leads to it, it could be a whole chain of emotions. Perhaos you feel guilty, or self-hate, or jealousy, or jealous, leading to guilt leading to self-hate? (I'm not trying to suggest you feel any of these things just using them as an example). It's obvious you feel upset but identifying the emotions in between can really help you deal with them. Once they're identified you can work on finding ways to intercept them and stop them in their tracks before they lead to further negative emotions and to negative behaviours such as self-harm.

Some things that might help to intercept are:

Rationalising your thoughts (e.g. Why exactly do I feel jealous and why should I feel jealous?)
Distractions such as drawing, music, writing - doing whatever you enjoy
Talking to someone you trust who can challenge the emotions and help you rationalise them. If you have no one to do this in your life, there are people on here willing to help. My self included.
Mindfulness or meditation. There are apps that can help you do this and they can really help to calm you down.

I really hope this helped. I cannot stress the importance of tackling thoughts.

Just JT
July 3rd, 2015, 07:10 AM
I think all those ides are real good, I do kinda a diary on another forum kinda like this, and I get real good feed ad from people
You don't got to be real open, just enough to get your point across, gets you putting words down, helps you reflect on stuff weather u do it on vt or not is up to you, if u do, I'd like to read it so send me the link, id participate
In mine, it's almost like therapy
Give it a try....
Good muck, you can do it

Doc. Maestro
July 10th, 2015, 12:07 AM
I think most people that go through this have an inner voice, telling them YES cut, YES you have depression, YES your life is fucked up. So yeah, to an extent other people can't help, but they can do something. Ask her if you can trust her not to judge, or run away if you showed her something, and try to explain to her you're still cutting. Another person knowing can give you confidence, especially if they take it well. This support is extremely important, but in the end, it's only support, and the solution is up to you.

Now I'm almost certain you have a voice, like myself, but you have to train yourself to fight against it. Feel free to message me, I can try to help. You have to say NO to cutting, NO to depression, NO to everything bad, and think of the good things. If it's hard start small. "I ate a sandwich today, it tasted GOOD". Anything positive like that helps, then work your way up to something like "Well, I'm having a rough time, but I have one really awesome friend who makes me feel really HAPPY".

Focus is everything, what you focus on is what you get; people hear what they want to hear, see what they want to see, believe what they want to believe and ultimately it can block out everything else. So you have to make the conscious decision to bring focus back into everything good, and I know it's hard, I know it's almost impossible, but again, start small, and work your way up. Go take a warm bath, feel good about it. If you hear negative thoughts, make your "good" side shout NO, and start thinking the exactly opposite.

I'm going to give you an example of things that happen in my head sometimes, so that hopefully you'll have an idea of what to do (by the way I don't mean to sound patronizing):
Bad: "Jeez, you really are shit at this. This is all your-"
Good: "No, that was NOT your fault, you did good, you're just improving and that takes time. In fact, that was this guy being a moron, like did you see him? He just sort of stood there and did nothing while you were doing everything. It wasn't you, it was HIS weight on YOUR shoulders, and you did a damn good job for carrying him so long."
Bad: "But then again, you could've done this better-"
Good: "Duh, you can always improve. Even the very best, which you clearly are, have room for improvement."
And so on and so forth. Make up shit, lie, bullshit to yourself, hell get a god complex, it helps. I think I probably seem arrogant/confident with a massive ego to people who don't know me well, but my closest friends know I'm soft and squishy like a marshmallow on the inside :3

Anyway, I hope this helps. Again, sorry if I sound patronizing, I myself am still recovering, plus other stuff I'm not going to get into. Remember this: Time is everything, is the creator, destroyer, healer, of all things. With time, the greatest empires and nations were created, and with time, the greatest kings and rulers eventually faded into nothing. But likewise, with time, all wounds heal, and though there may be a scar, it is just a reminder of what you have been through, what you have managed to survive through, and that is something special.