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Professional Russian
April 14th, 2015, 08:29 PM
OK everyone bare with me. This is stuff I don't talk about because I know it will land me somewhere I don't want to be. But I feel like I need to know why this is happening so any help is appreciated. Anyways Saturday I went to this party ended up drinking a little more (OK maybe a lot more) than i should have. Well at these party's I always sleep in my truck alone knowing I'm leaving earliest...well I slept in my truck alone and had this massive psychotic episode/breakdown what ever you want to call it. All these faces of all the people that ever meant something appeared and started talking to me. Telling me what I did right, what I did wrong, what I may have been like if they were still with me today. And not only did that really get to me but I was talking back to the voices in my head...I told everyone I was just talking in my sleep but I can remember it as clear as day. It actually really scared me because this is the first this had happened to me and I have no clue how to deal with this or what to make put of it whether its warning or words of wisdom. But there were a few faces that hit me hardest face #1 Remember that little girl that kept annoying the shit out of my head a few months ago? The little sister I never had? Yeah she's head #1 she told me how much she appreciated our time together then but I have to move on from her because anything between us isn't realistic now. Head #2 my best friend from years and years and years ago. This girl legit knew everything about me. We spent to better portion of 10 years right next to each other. She told me that I was great friend to her and that she really misses having me around. But like before she said I have to let go of the past but for me and her there may be something in the future if we ever meet up again. Head #3 the brother from another mother. This kid was my brother(not biological but you get the point) me and him spent day and night together. Did everything together. We were inseperable. He told me that while I wasn't the best friend ever I was always there when he needed someone. He said the downfall of our friend was when I started vetting curious about what other guys were like....yes I had that period in my life aswell. He said if I wasn't so curious we'd probably still be talking today. Head #4 Kendal... I don't think I've actually shared mine and Kendal's story before #ministory me and this girl, Kendal, went to this church camp thing together. We got along pretty well. Connect in a few places at the time spent a lot of that week together and enjoyed it all. She was incredibly beautiful the way I remember her and really didn't have a reason to start talking to me.....really should have asked her while I was talking to the voices in my head. But what she told me was that one day ill make a girl extremely happy but with this being my psychotic episode she knew my current situation and said its probably not going to be my bosses daughter. She did say she really enjoyed our time together at camp. Head #5 oh this ones real good. My cousin. We spent a lot of time together before they moved to the other side of the state where I've only visited them once. But we were together on holidays, birthdays, family get together we found each other and bam done we were together for the day night what ever. She told me that while she loved me unconditionally that I needed to let go of the past again and find someone else to replace her....and no her older sister didn't count. But she did say that she missed me and can't wait to see me again. Head #6 this would be head #1s brother. This left at the same time as his sister but unlike her sought me out and pulled me back because he missed the past as much as I did. And this is good right here he told me that he valued the past just as much as I did that he sought me out trying to relive it. He apologized for leaving for all those years but wanted to get the gang back together. He said he enjoys the time we spend now and should really out more often. Head #7 I promise I'm almost done with the important people. Anyways #7 would be Morgan. This girl was the exact physical copy of me that I met at a party. This is the girl I spent that whole night with and ended up watching her drive away the next morning with another guy. She told me that that night was something different for her. Whether it was the booze or not she liked me because of how similar we were. She said we never could have persued a relationship but could have been real good friends. Last one I swear head #8 this is the one everyone's heard about and my main focus till this episode. Anyways what she told me was that unconditionally loved me in the friendship sort of way but that I have to back off and be less clingy to people. Now keep in mind I clung onto this girl because of all the people before her and plus we're mental copy's. She said that while I relationship is not out of line it is a far stretch to make one work. Now I mean in my mind during all this the conversations were longer and went on about different things and there were others I talked to. I just picked the most important I thought. These are just summary's so I don't have to take up all this time typeing it. But this episode really did scare me. I've never had people from the past come back and haunt me like that. While I'm really worried about my mental health with that happening I also see it as a kind of warning on how to fix what I have now. I'm posting this in the mental illness forum praying for someone to tell me a possible answer for what happened. I don't see this as a crisis so I thought this was more fitting. Please help anybody. I'd really like an answer to why this happened and what could possibly be wrong. Just to possibly help I've currently been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, and I have some paranoia with certain things. I'm current not on any medication for any of those. Any help greatly appreciated by me
.

xXoblivionXx
April 14th, 2015, 09:17 PM
Is this the first time it's ever happened? and are the heads/voices still there? I'm not sure but it sounds a bit like a psychosis or schizophrenia. Perhaps try telling your psychiatrist or doctor. They would be able to best diagnosis any problem. If it was a one time thing maybe it was just that you were drunk and saw something.

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 05:07 AM
Is this the first time it's ever happened? and are the heads/voices still there? I'm not sure but it sounds a bit like a psychosis or schizophrenia. Perhaps try telling your psychiatrist or doctor. They would be able to best diagnosis any problem. If it was a one time thing maybe it was just that you were drunk and saw something.

It was the first time it happened and by the time I left they were gone and haven't come back. If I tell my psychiatrist I'll end up in a psych ward...really don't want to be there.

Vermilion
April 15th, 2015, 08:29 AM
yes me again
i think it's just the depression and the drink messing with your mind plus being tired would also affecte the situation. I haven't had dreams to this extent but similar ones. As much as it's worrying you I think it's a message to change as hard as it is. Try and learn from this contract the ones that miss you and back off from the other's a bit.
If you think this is crap just tell me to take a hike I know I'm not that helpful.

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 09:40 AM
yes me again
i think it's just the depression and the drink messing with your mind plus being tired would also affecte the situation. I haven't had dreams to this extent but similar ones. As much as it's worrying you I think it's a message to change as hard as it is. Try and learn from this contract the ones that miss you and back off from the other's a bit.
If you think this is crap just tell me to take a hike I know I'm not that helpful.

You're probably right and I'm probably over thinking it but when I see people from my part that clearly in my.mind and start talking back to then I get a little concerned

Vermilion
April 15th, 2015, 09:49 AM
It's natural to get a bit concerned, you going though a lot and knowing that your still getting on with work ect it's good.

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 10:17 AM
It's natural to get a bit concerned, you going though a lot and knowing that your still getting on with work ect it's good.

I don't know whether to listen to what they said or not...

Vermilion
April 15th, 2015, 10:20 AM
I don't know whether to listen to what they said or not...

Do you think they were right in what they said ?

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 10:22 AM
Do you think they were right in what they said ?

I don't know. That's why I'm so hesitant of it

Vermilion
April 15th, 2015, 10:30 AM
I don't know. That's why I'm so hesitant of it

Do you think what they said will cause any harm ?
What does your gut feeling say ?

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 10:38 AM
Do you think what they said will cause any harm ?
What does your gut feeling say ?

My gut feeling is keep doing what I've been doing because it's all I know but its lost me a lot of people

Vermilion
April 15th, 2015, 10:44 AM
Normally I'd say stick with your gut, but it doesn't seem to work and doesn't feel right for me to say to. I think the change mite do you some good, you'll never know till you try.

annewilde
April 15th, 2015, 01:53 PM
I have a cousin who hears voices but he says he can control them

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 02:56 PM
Normally I'd say stick with your gut, but it doesn't seem to work and doesn't feel right for me to say to. I think the change mite do you some good, you'll never know till you try.

I'd like to try but I'm afraid of it making things worse...

Vermilion
April 15th, 2015, 03:02 PM
I'd like to try but I'm afraid of it making things worse...

I'm not going to pressure you , it's your choice just keep it in mind :) I'm happy to talk if you need any help.

Professional Russian
April 15th, 2015, 03:48 PM
I'm not going to pressure you , it's your choice just keep it in mind :) I'm happy to talk if you need any help.

I want to change. I want to right my wrongs. I want to make everything better. I just don't know which ways going to do that for me.

Vermilion
April 16th, 2015, 02:27 AM
I want to change. I want to right my wrongs. I want to make everything better. I just don't know which ways going to do that for me.

I think you should try what your dream told you to do. I don't think it was bad advice, you'll never know till you try :)

Professional Russian
April 16th, 2015, 05:13 AM
I think you should try what your dream told you to do. I don't think it was bad advice, you'll never know till you try :)

It can't possibly be bad. Its the opposite of what I do now and I've lost so many people with what I've done now. So I'll try it I just don't like change...thanks obama

Vermilion
April 16th, 2015, 06:02 AM
It can't possibly be bad. Its the opposite of what I do now and I've lost so many people with what I've done now. So I'll try it I just don't like change...thanks obama

Best of luck

Professional Russian
April 16th, 2015, 02:34 PM
Best of luck

Thanks I'm gonna need this...I don't see it turning out too well. I've never had to change like this before. And I don't really like change. But if its gonna make me happy its what I want. If it finds me love its what I want. If it will make people like me better its what I want. I'm tired of this life. Where no one likes me and I can't find anyone to love. It tears me apart knowing I'm that asshole no one likes. I just can't come to change it just doesn't feel right... Although I've never had faces come and talk to me like that either so maybe its a sign I have to change or I'll be like this the rest of my life.

Vermilion
April 16th, 2015, 02:39 PM
Thanks I'm gonna need this...I don't see it turning out too well

Np you deserve to be happy

Professional Russian
April 16th, 2015, 02:41 PM
Np you deserve to be happy

No I don't. I haven't done anything that good in my life. The best thing I've done was hold this girl while she cried. That's the best thing I've done. I don't really deserve it. But I want it.

Atom
April 17th, 2015, 04:54 AM
No I don't.
"There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy."
- Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability, TED 2010.
If you have a spare 20 minutes, I would highly suggest seeing the whole talk.

Professional Russian
April 17th, 2015, 08:40 AM
"There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy."
- Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability, TED 2010.
If you have a spare 20 minutes, I would highly suggest seeing the whole talk.

Break that down and explain it for me please. I'm a dumbass I know

Atom
April 17th, 2015, 12:47 PM
Break that down and explain it for me please.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean.
I meant that I urge you to see this: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
It was a life changer for me.

If you saw it and didn't understand it, then, in short, she is talking about how our fear of that we are not worthy of love and connection is the only thing that keeps us from it. We all need to understand that we are all worthy of it no matter how imperfect we think we are. It is important to understand that we are enough. "And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection."

No you deserve to be happy.No I don't...
This is why I'm telling you this and this is why I urge you to see this talk.

EDIT: About your "psychotic episode/breakdown." I don't think that it was something to worry about, I think that large doses of alcohol + all these emotion you've been experiencing recently just played a mind trick with you. It'll sound very scientifically, I know, but it sounds like you very just thinking with your subconscious.

Professional Russian
April 17th, 2015, 03:13 PM
I'm not sure exactly what you mean.
I meant that I urge you to see this: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
It was a life changer for me.

If you saw it and didn't understand it, then, in short, she is talking about how our fear of that we are not worthy of love and connection is the only thing that keeps us from it. We all need to understand that we are all worthy of it no matter how imperfect we think we are. It is important to understand that we are enough. "And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection."


This is why I'm telling you this and this is why I urge you to see this talk.

EDIT: About your "psychotic episode/breakdown." I don't think that it was something to worry about, I think that large doses of alcohol + all these emotion you've been experiencing recently just played a mind trick with you. It'll sound very scientifically, I know, but it sounds like you very just thinking with your subconscious.

I don't believe we're all worth of love. When you go and break multiple peoples heart in a 3 month period you don't deserve love. You just don't. I don't deserve love because I've hurt to many people looking for it. I've broken people's hearts made people hate me just to find something I'll never find. And as to your edit, I'm starting to think that too. Nothings happened since and I don't thin anything will. I think it was just all the booze I had is what did it. It just freaked me out because I never thought I'd get to voices in my head. I didn't think I'd end up that bad. Then I started worrying if I told anyone I'd end up in the psych ward which I fear being. But I did tell my psychologist and he told me the same thing you did since it never happened before and hasn't happened since

Vermilion
April 17th, 2015, 03:17 PM
You haven't ment to hurt / break people's hearts have you ?

Professional Russian
April 17th, 2015, 03:20 PM
You haven't ment to hurt / break people's hearts have you ?

I've breaken hearts, hurt, and made people hate me for looking for it. But I didn't do it in a 3 month period that's someone else I know. And no I haven't wanted to but I had to. I don't want a relationship that I know won't last so I've turned a couple people down because I knew they wouldn't work