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View Full Version : I'm really confused and it's scary


Jokuvaa
March 1st, 2015, 04:43 PM
This is lengthy post because so much is going on in my life and I got to open up or my mind explodes.

1. I recently got rejected by a girl I have a crush on and it's only now hitting me to its fullest. We are still friends but I just can't get over her. She has a crush on my friend and I'm actually helping her get him... Yeah... I could sabotage it but I'm not like that, but it still crossed my mind. I don't know how to keep going knowing I'll never have her and I'm sick of hearing "time is the best cure" and "there are other fish in the sea".

2. I think it's happening now. My parents are divorcing. There has been a lot of tension in our house since christmas and this morning I wake up to my parents yelling at each other once again. My mom says my dad is a psychopat and dad says mom is an alcoholist. They have threatened each other with divorce earlier but this time... it was much more than a threat. I think I'm actually glad my dad is leaving. He is really scary... he beat my brother years ago and is threatening to kill our dog because it doesn't obey him. The dog is just scared. He actually killed one of our dogs already and that was pretty painful for me.

3. My school isn't going that great. I've lost all my motivation what so ever. I never do my homework. I actually now have 3 undone homework for next week that must be done. I'll propably just copy from a friend.... I also have my driving test soon for my license and I fear I'll fail it. My driving isn't bad, I just have that feeling "what if"...

4. I've gained 2kg in one month so I'm 57kg/173cm. That is disheartening for me. My ideal weight would be 50kg. My parents want me to go get tested because "I don't eat anymore" and one of my closest friends thinks I might be developing anorexia. She herself has anorexia and we've talked to each other about what we eat. I don't think I have anorexia. I don't eat because I'm not hungry. I don't exercise like anorexic people do and I drink a lot of energy drinks which I know contain a lot of calories. Basically they keep me going.

5. This anorexic friend is actually a girl who had a crush on me one year ago and we have recently become really close friends after 8 months of not talking to each other so I'm pretty confused how I feel towards her. More than a sister but less than a girlfriend. She is cutting herself and I really want to help her. I just don't know how. I'm clueless. It hurts me when I think she has just cut her arm. That has actually got me thinking... would cutting make some sense in my life. She says it helps her, then why not me. I know it's stupid to start cutting but I have seriously considered it as an option everytime I pass our kitchen knives.

6. I'm turning 18 in 2 weeks and I fear what'll happen when my drinking becomes legal. I love the feeling when I'm drunk. No worries, just having fun with my friends and doing stupid things outside, meeting new people. I know I'll get wasted the first friday of being 18. I just need to stop myself of making drinking a habit (I do it now once 2-3 weeks). Also about smoking.... it relaxes me and makes a bit light headed feeling for a while. I usually just ask someone to give me a cigarette when we are drinking. I don't usually smoke when I'm not drinking. Except 2 weeks ago I smoked during school. I just felt I needed it and couple of my friends were going out to do it so I tagged along. I really don't want to start smoking. I don't feel like I need it most of the time. Sometimes it would just make sense but it passes. I have thought of getting my own pack of cigarettes but that would propably end badly so I haven't bought one. Still that too has crossed my mind.

7. I'm really confused of who I am at the moment. I'm really (and I mean really) empathic person towards people close to me. Yet my sense of humour is pretty... mean. Yes, I can be really mean to other people and I'll just think it's funny. I show myself as hard person in front of my friends but truthfully I'm really emotional. These things about me are just contradicting. And I lie a lot even to people closest to me, the most propably to my parents. Lieing is just too easy for me I guess. I really need to work on that.

TL;DR: a lot on my mind and a few confusing and a bit scary thoughts have crossed my mind.

Thanks for anyone who read this through. It helped a bit on my "mental crisis" just writing this and "sorting my thoughts by writing them in plain sight". Gosh, reading this through makes me wonder why I'm not depressed (I'm not... I think). It's just that everything is falling apart in my life at the moment: rejected by crush, parents divorcing and my own physical/mental health.

Hjackson
March 29th, 2015, 07:46 PM
Everything will be okay. It gets better.

Uranus
March 29th, 2015, 07:56 PM
I really hope everything will be ok.