PDA

View Full Version : New school, can't make any friends, extremely lonely and depressed.


grnt
February 13th, 2015, 05:06 PM
At the begniing of this year I transfered to a new school because of a system change at my old one. I had been at that school for 10 years(I am 16 years old so that school was the one I started out at.).
I never had any "real" friends, there were a few people we had similar interests with but we just talked randomly in school between breaks, it never developed into an actual friendship. For a few years I have also been socially anxious, I would be scared of talking to people in case I mess up/they get the wrong impression and I would constantly replay my most awkward moments in my head constantly and cringing without being able to do anything about it. From the first day at the new school it was clear that making friends was not going to be easy. Everyone was already divided in groups, everyone knew eachother I was "the new guy".
Advancing further into the year trying to make small talk with the other classmates seemed very difficult since everyone was constantly with their groups of friends and talking about their things. I noticed I didnt have any interests in common, if any at all with the others.
Lack of common interests and also the social retardation I have are making it impossible to make any new connections. Lately my depression has gone through the roof because of my loneliness. I havent had an actual conversation for months and that combined with the loneliness is killing me from the inside.
I have tried searching for any groups in my area related to my interests, but the only thing I was able to find is sports groups.(I hate sports with a passion.)
I have seen many people have suggested talking to a counselor in similar threads, unfortunately the school I transfered to doesn't have one.

tl;dr depressed, lonely, socially retarded, cant make friends, feeling awful... help

amgb
February 13th, 2015, 07:09 PM
Hello there~ First off, starting a new school will never be easy (as you already know), especially considering the fact that you've been at your old school for ten years. Ten years is a pretty long time, so I definitely understand that changing to a new school can be really scary and difficult to adapt to. Making friends at a new school is also quite a tough challenge especially if you can't find common interests with others and you find it hard to socialise and talk to people because of anxiety. I want you to know that it's okay to feel anxious about talking to people, we all feel like that at times, it's just that different people have varying degrees and levels of anxiety. I also constantly worry when I talk to people; I also worry I'm going to embarrass myself or make a bad impression. You are not alone. Talking to a counsellor would be helpful, but your school doesn't have one so I'd suggest talking to family members about things? If you're not comfortable with talking about these things that's perfectly okay. These are things that are hard to overcome, but possible and I believe you have the courage to do it. Maybe start with one person who you'd really like to get to know more. Start with them, start slowly, take it one step at a time. The first approach will be really hard, but once that's out of the way things will start rolling easier. Also, you don't have to necessarily have a lot of common interests to be friends with someone. I actually have quite a few friends who I don't have a lot of common interests with. As long as you get along and you feel comfortable with them and they feel the same with you, you can still be friends. However I am sure you'll be able to find someone with at least a few common interests. I wish you all the luck and I hope this helps a little~

Ouija
February 14th, 2015, 01:56 AM
if you've ever heard the saying "practice makes perfect" well it applies to this too. just stick to brief conversations, try to focus on what the other person is saying and not what you think their impression is of you. even if you feel that what you want to say is boring, who knows, the other person might find it interesting & you'll hit it off that way. i know it's a lot easier said than done but reflecting on the positives way more than the negatives will get you so far, trust me.

you could probably talk to someone in the academic dept. and tell them that your anxiety is affecting your schoolwork or something... they should be able to help or reference you.. otherwise definitely talk to your parents & even suggest setting up just one meeting with a therapist and have the person talk to your parents after the session.

btw ~ do you struggle with maintaining eye contact when you're talking to people?

grnt
February 14th, 2015, 03:19 PM
As long as you get along and you feel comfortable with them and they feel the same with you, you can still be friends. However I am sure you'll be able to find someone with at least a few common interests. I wish you all the luck and I hope this helps a little~

I know that, the problem is that for the life of me I can't keep a conversation going(or start one for that matter), most of the encounters with my classmates go like this:
- Hello
- Hi
- Whats up
- Not much
*awkward silence*

if you've ever heard the saying "practice makes perfect" well it applies to this too. just stick to brief conversations, try to focus on what the other person is saying and not what you think their impression is of you. even if you feel that what you want to say is boring, who knows, the other person might find it interesting & you'll hit it off that way. i know it's a lot easier said than done but reflecting on the positives way more than the negatives will get you so far, trust me.

you could probably talk to someone in the academic dept. and tell them that your anxiety is affecting your schoolwork or something... they should be able to help or reference you.. otherwise definitely talk to your parents & even suggest setting up just one meeting with a therapist and have the person talk to your parents after the session.

btw ~ do you struggle with maintaining eye contact when you're talking to people?

As I said above, the main problem is that I don't have anything to talk about :P and that I also suck at keeping conversations going.
I was going to say no to the question about eye contact but now that I think about it lately I have been reflectively bouncing my eyes off someone if we made eye contact for more than a few seconds.

amgb
February 14th, 2015, 04:11 PM
I know that, the problem is that for the life of me I can't keep a conversation going(or start one for that matter), most of the encounters with my classmates go like this:
- Hello
- Hi
- Whats up
- Not much
*awkward silence*

Right, okay. Maybe you could talk to them about a recent event or maybe just something about school? Or you can even comment on the weather, or make a compliment about the other person. And also if they're not talking a lot, then maybe you could try and do more of the talking (yeah I know that's hard). These are a list of things you could say and try making conversation with:

How was your day/week?
Isn't the weather just terrible, it's been raining all month.
Did you hear what happened on the news yesterday?
I love your shirt, I have the exact same one.
How did you go in the maths exam? I found it pretty hard.
I'm so tired, I haven't been getting much sleep lately. How have you been sleeping?

As I said above, the main problem is that I don't have anything to talk about :P and that I also suck at keeping conversations going.
I was going to say no to the question about eye contact but now that I think about it lately I have been reflectively bouncing my eyes off someone if we made eye contact for more than a few seconds.

Yeah it is quite hard to keep conversations going with someone, especially if the other person isn't talking much. I've been met with those awkward silences and they are the most uncomfortable things. With the eye contact, that comes with confidence and good self esteem. I know when you're feeling uncomfortable you might not like the idea of maintaining any kind of eye contact, but eye contact helps the listener feel like they're being listened to and also helps the talker feel like they are communicating strongly enough to the listener. I know you're shy, I know you're uncomfortable, but I also know that it's possible to overcome this and step outside our comfort zone. So many times I've refused to step out, I've realised that I had missed out on so many opportunities. When I did decided to step out I found that it was really worth it, and you'll probably find that it'll be worth it too.

grnt
February 14th, 2015, 05:07 PM
Right, okay. Maybe you could talk to them about a recent event or maybe just something about school? Or you can even comment on the weather, or make a compliment about the other person. And also if they're not talking a lot, then maybe you could try and do more of the talking.
It doesn't make the initial approach any easier tho, especially since everyone is with their group of friends 99.9% of the time. Starting a conversation with a group of people I barely know is way beyond me right now.

I'm so tired, I haven't been getting much sleep lately. How have you been sleeping?
Don't know about you but seems a bit weird to me talking about my sleeping habits to someone I don't know that well :P




Yeah it is quite hard to keep conversations going with someone, especially if the other person isn't talking much. I've been met with those awkward silences and they are the most uncomfortable things. With the eye contact, that comes with confidence and good self esteem. I know when you're feeling uncomfortable you might not like the idea of maintaining any kind of eye contact, but eye contact helps the listener feel like they're being listened to and also helps the talker feel like they are communicating strongly enough to the listener. I know you're shy, I know you're uncomfortable, but I also know that it's possible to overcome this and step outside our comfort zone. So many times I've refused to step out, I've realised that I had missed out on so many opportunities. When I did decided to step out I found that it was really worth it, and you'll probably find that it'll be worth it too.

Thank you for that I am going to try and have more eye contact when talking to people.

amgb
February 14th, 2015, 07:08 PM
It doesn't make the initial approach any easier tho, especially since everyone is with their group of friends 99.9% of the time. Starting a conversation with a group of people I barely know is way beyond me right now.

I know the initial approach isn't easy. And it's definitely understandable that approaching a large group of people who you barely know can be quite scary. As I said, start with one person. If they are sitting in a large group, wait til they are alone and then try approaching them, that might be a little easier.

Don't know about you but seems a bit weird to me talking about my sleeping habits to someone I don't know that well :P

That could be something you could talk about much later down the track, but yeah sorry we should keep to the initial approach first.

Thank you for that I am going to try and have more eye contact when talking to people.

That's so good. I know you have that confidence deep inside you. Sorry if I haven't been helping you much :/