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View Full Version : A survivors story.


1_21Guns
January 16th, 2015, 05:41 PM
I guess the title is somewhat ironic, I mean what even is a survivor? What does becoming a survivor make you? Surviving something doesn't mean you carry on living, it just means you survived and in a way "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" starts to feel like a double edged sword when sure, it didn't kill you but on occasions you still sure as hell wish it had. But wishing those things doesn't make you any less of a survivor.
As I may have mentioned earlier I am in recovery from depression with anxiety, and also still struggle occasionally with a near miss of an eating disorder. I've suffered from depression for about 12 years now and being that I'm only 20, that's more than half my life. I only sought medical help in the last two years which was my first mistake.
Around the age of 15 I honestly planned to be dead by 18, I didn't want to live any more, I didn't want to watch the world go to hell, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere and yet here I am, 2 years later in recovery.
I tried, 3 times to kill myself - although the older I got the more I came to realise I wasn't really trying to kill myself, I was just trying to make the shit stop. Deep down I knew my attempts wouldn't actually kill me, but hey there was always a chance it would make the nightmare that had unraveled to become my life stop.
I just watched a TV show and heard the quote "A broken heart is a broken heart. To take a measure is cruelty." Sometimes I hate watching my favourite TV shows because they make me think, and sometimes a little too much. The point I guess I'm trying to make with that quote is that you can't measure someones suffering against anothers no matter how hard you try. If you feel like your suffering is irrelevent it's not, because you have every right to be struggling if something bad has happened to you, and while it may not be the end of the world to someone else, it can feel like the end of your world to you. That said, it's not the end of your world, and it's not the end of you. Nobody ever said picking yourself back up was easy, but it's do-able.
I've often questioned a lot of things in my life, why I had very minimal memory of my childhood, what I did to deserve the verbal/emotional abuse I suffered, what I ever did to deserve the life that I had been dealt to me and for a long time, I really struggled with not knowing why and the reality is I didn't know why because I didn't deserve any of it. I didn't deserve the scars I put on my body, I didn't deserve the nights I lay awake crying all night, I didn't deserve to feel like I had to take 20 painkillers to make the shit stop. I didn't deserve anything that happened to me and at first that made me angry, but now I know that being angry isn't worth it. If you spend so much of your life being angry and frustrated with yourself and the world you never really move on.
I got myself into a joke of a relationship a few years ago, naturally and unsurprisingly it broke down and honestly the existence of that relationship in the first place was probably my second big mistake. But I was young, foolish, downright stupid at times. And for a long time when I realised how stupid I'd been that made me angry too, I was angry at myself, I was angry at him, I was just angry. Being angry never made me feel any better, if anything it just made me feel worse. Of course, snapping out of being angry isn't a thing but one day I just realised I was holding onto this anger and for what? Nearly two years later why am I still angry? I was angry because that's the only way I really knew how to deal with things, and being angry doesn't even deal with anything. I'm learning to stop being so angry now, but it takes time.
But anyway, I guess the point of this is to show y'all that it doesn't last forever. I still have my bad days, but I have more good days now too. Going back to my original statements, I don't think I've really started living yet, just surviving on a day to day basis, and that's an amazing achievement in itself. So, whatever you've been through, if you're still here - well done. It's not easy, but you should be proud of yourselves for getting this far. Sure, you win some battles and you lose some but that doesn't stop you winning the war. Looking back now I'm glad I survived because I'm in a much better place now, and one day you will be too.

Deleted User
January 16th, 2015, 08:25 PM
Glad you posted this, Nat. You know I adore you and I'm glad things are looking up because we were in the same place pretty much at the same time and look how far we've both gotten. :hug:

xXl0sth0peXx
January 24th, 2015, 12:55 PM
This is heartwarming to read. I'm so happy to hear that you're in such a better place and doing well. Keep up the good work you've put in to get here. You deserve it so much. :heart: