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View Full Version : The Lies Behind Marble


DaveIsaiah
December 31st, 2014, 11:00 PM
Hey guys and gals! Could you tell me what you think of my Thriller/Horror novel thus far?

-------------- Plot ------------------------
It all began with a book.
Fifteen year-old Jackie Simple never thought his life could change so much after buying a six dollar book, he’d thought interesting. When he begins reading the literature, it becomes even more real by the chapters, sending Jackie into a spiraling world of terror and mystery.
He meets Lisa Smit and her son Jason.
When their house begins as a cute little bungalow and starts turning into something so different, would there be room for Jackie’s curiosity.
Follow Jackie as he explores the wonders and horrors of the house and his inevitable love.
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------------ Chapter 1 ---------------------
My mom drives the silver buick and I drive the Ford.
It was a personal preference of mine to drive in opposite cars, though my mom use to protest. After a while of my persistence, she eventually gave in and stopped asking to drive in the same car.
I loved my Ford. I loved the feeling of being a man that it gave me, and I loved the fact that I was able to drive. I loved to listen to my music all the way up, almost as if wanting to give myself ear-cancer, and my mom listened to hers all the way down as if trying to hear the car’s voice. She loved classical music. I loved Hip-Hop. It just became a conflict of unlikeliness.
Looking at the reduced gas prices, I can’t help but to smile and pull in. It wasn’t normal for prices to be this low during the holidays, so of course I was taking advantage of it.
“Jackie,” my mom says. I exit the car and open the gas cover, and I watch as she walks over to me. She holds a cellphone in her hand and a smirk crosses her face. I give her a questioning glance and she chuckles.
“Next time I call you, you better pick up your phone.” She says.
“Sorry, it must’ve been on vibrate.” I lied. Hearing her call earlier, I ignored it because my favorite track had been on. Forgetting to call back, my phone remained in the door pocket.
“Yeah sure it has,” she starts with a chuckle. “How much further until we reach this famous book store of yours?”
Earlier this week, I planned a trip with my mom to this amazing old-styled bookstore that owned a book I wanted. It was the only place, for some odd reason, that had the book, which was this old book my friend recommended for me to read. “Yeah we should be there in about five minutes.”
She walks back to her car and I get into mine. It’s about seven minutes later when we reach the old wooden building that looks to stand about ten feet above the ground. The windows are ancient antique styled, and the doors are victorian.

SethfromMI
January 1st, 2015, 11:06 AM
not bad so far, keep up the good work :)

Hudor
January 1st, 2015, 11:26 AM
Nice concept and I like the title. Just some general advice though: try to keep the redundant facts out of the script, they will only confuse the reader :)

DaveIsaiah
January 1st, 2015, 09:55 PM
Thank you so much guys :) I will take note :)

audiophile5
January 6th, 2015, 11:53 AM
The thing I enjoyed the most was the feeling of familiarity I got after just a few lines. I feel like I've read pages and pages about this person. Good job!