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View Full Version : Grade my Suspicion/Mystery story


Thunderstorm
December 25th, 2014, 09:29 PM
Wrote this a while back...got a 95 in school. Kind of messed up on it, fixed it, so what would you give this version of the story. All opinions appreciated.

Close. So close that I can sense it. The MCA may have finally found the country. The town he’s in. I know it. For years I’ve longed for a sibling, specifically my soul sibling to play with. A sibling that I can hang around and vent to when I need to cry, or scream, or just have fun. The loneliness hurts, like someone is pounding a hammer into your heart and soul. No friend can replace the sibling I lost 11 years ago today. He must be at least 16 now, maybe even older. Our childhoods, ruined forever, never to be replaced. I remember that day when he was abducted from the playground. I wandered for hours looking for him. “Mark, Mark!”
But I couldn’t find him. Later I went home, my parents sobbing. Most likely sobbing from the abduction of a loved child. “Why, God, why us!” said mother. I grew up alone, frightened, anxious. Every night from 1st grade to 5th grade, I’d cry myself to sleep, wanting my best friend back, my brother. I knew he’d never come, or so I kept telling my pessimistic self. Sometimes I’d wonder if I was next, next to be taken away, but taken to my best friend, Mark.
This anniversary is no different, nor special, I’ll skip school and stay home, keeping silent as my parents look through the pictures, never forgetting the once joyful past. The only real difference is the amount of optimism. The Missing child Agency has found evidence, very reliable evidence that could link Mark’s disappearance to a similar disappearance in Russia, where a child was abducted from a playground and never seen again. The weird thing is the anniversary of that child’s disappearance is also today. I often walk down the street to the cemetery and sit, and ponder the endless possibilities of his current life. Does he know his origins, or does he not remember? My parents try to remind me to stick with the present, and not with the past, as the past often doesn’t help as much as looking towards the future.
“Jimmy, come down for dinner. We need to talk.” At dinner I found out that we’re taking a trip upstate, away from the suburban Hartford life, to the peaceful fields of Northwestern Connecticut. We’re visiting Grandma and Grandpa to “take our minds of off things” as my parents say, which I know means to mourn the loss with more family, which happens every year. Later, I started packing, because tomorrow is Saturday and that means a driving day, so I’ll be bored in the car all day. As I was packing, I found something under a book on the living room table. It was a note, and it was from the state police commissioner to my parents. It read: “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lenny Travers. We have found a similar case to Mark’s. This case has occurred in Russia and seems to have much in similar with yours. Visit me at your convenience and we can discuss the details. Thank you.” It seemed almost like my father’s handwriting, but I ignored it. Later, my parents left for the grocery store. After reading that note earlier, I really wanted to know what the “details” were. I stayed up late wondering what the commissioner was going to say. At around 12am, my parents came through the door, whispering about something. I went downstairs to try and listen, but got frustrated after they quieted down, so I went outside and to the cemetery. The cemetery was weird tonight, with a thick fog. I went by the usual gravestone and took a seat, and looked straight ahead. I saw a gravestone that said “Karm Sravert.” Hmm, what a weird name for a child I thought. Then something dawned on me. The lifetime of the gravestone said “1995-2001.” That was the 6 years me and Mark spent together. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my parents running at me, screaming “Jimmy, we can explain!” I noticed, if you reverse the first and last letters of “Karm” and “Sravert”, it makes “Mark Travers.” My parents had known about Mark the whole time… they were the abductors.

WaffleSingSong
December 31st, 2014, 03:27 PM
What a fun little twist at the end there XD.

If I would change anything, it would to make the ending seem a tad bit more indirect. I think ending at "Jimmy, we can explain!" as well as some editing with the sentence would leave more of a shock to the reader.

8/10, very well done!

Thunderstorm
December 31st, 2014, 05:43 PM
What a fun little twist at the end there XD.

If I would change anything, it would to make the ending seem a tad bit more indirect. I think ending at "Jimmy, we can explain!" as well as some editing with the sentence would leave more of a shock to the reader.

8/10, very well done!

Thank you!