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Finley Flynn
November 15th, 2014, 02:52 PM
I'm currently writing a dystopian novel for young adults (13-18), and I'd like your opinion on it. Does it interest you? Would you want to read more?

Here's the first chapter...

* * *

Talking amongst themselves in hushed and excited tones, the students stood in front of a giant red curtain. It took up the entire wall except for a console rising up several feet from the floor. Alicia Mayflower pushed her way through the clusters of girls to the front, bumping shoulders with a few who were barring her path.

“Just because her mother’s the Overseer, she thinks she can always get her way,” a girl spluttered to two others in a forced whisper.

“What a brat!”

“And she thinks no one can do anything about it,” the other added, frowning.

“No wonder she’s such an oddball loner.”

The girls snickered amongst the chatter of the others, casting furtive glances at Alicia.

She just rolled her eyes. Maybe it was true, but she didn’t care. She’d found a book in the forbidden archives, and poring over it, she had grown curious about boys and been eagerly waiting for this moment for months. Were boys really as bad as she’d been taught they were in school, or as dreamy as they were depicted in her book? Because they certainly couldn’t be both. She wasn’t about to miss finding out standing in the back on her tiptoes, trying to glimpse over rows of towering heads.

“Now, quiet down girls,” said Ms. Bootsmith, taking to the front of the group near the console and waving both palms in the air. Silence fell over the girls. “In a moment, I’ll draw the curtain and the Operator will demonstrate how Eroso works.” She paused, straightening up and adjusting her collar. “As you know, next week after graduation each of you will make your first visit here to the Erosium and have your first encounter.”

The three girls standing near Alicia put their heads together and giggled.

“Shush!” Ms. Bootsmith hissed, throwing a glare at them, as a red light lit up above the curtain, catching her attention. She clapped her hands together, rubbing them in wild animation. “Okay, this is it.” She scoured the group whose eyes were riveted on her. “Are you ready?”

The group of girls all nodded in emphatic unison, except Alicia; she raised her hands to her mouth and started chewing on her nails as she stared at the curtain without blinking.

Ms. Bootsmith pushed a button on the console, and the curtains parted to reveal an older boy wearing nothing but a pair of white shorts on his toned, muscular body. He had black, wavy hair that dropped down to his shoulders framing his high cheekbones and square jaw. Clearly trying to hide his nervousness, he stood before a grand bed, which was situated at the head of the room. Crimson silk sheets were draped across its surface, hanging down to the sparkling marble floor. Alicia’s jaw dropped when her eyes fell on the boy. She’d seen the older men working on the streets and erecting buildings, but she had never before seen one so young, and so attractive. Her cheeks began to warm, and she felt her heartbeat speed up.

A woman wearing a tight blue uniform with gold trim appeared at the door of the room. She paused to inspect the boy’s physique for a moment. When it appeared that she approved, she sauntered inside.

“How old are you, boy?” she asked as she advanced toward him. Her voice came through a loudspeaker stationed on the wall above Alicia’s head.

“Eighteen,” the boy replied as the door slid shut behind the woman. His shoulders jumped.

“And how many clients do you service a week?”

The boy swallowed hard. “You’re ... my ... first,” he choked, lowering his gaze.

“Your first this week?”

He looked up and swallowed again, fidgeting with his fingers. “No ma’am.” He bit his bottom lip. “I mean my first ever.”

The woman tilted her head to the side and looked at him with a twinkle in her eye. “Really?” She clapped her hands together, letting out a shrill laugh. “You’re a virgin then?”

The boy dropped his gaze, and nodded hesitantly.

“Well, isn’t this my lucky day?” the woman continued. “It’s been a while since I’ve had one! I usually have one reserved once a month, but I’ve been so busy lately to bother with it. What a nice surprise!” She placed her hands on her hips and bunched her lips to one side for a moment. “Of course, it’s usually not as sensually satisfying as an experienced gigolo, but I must admit the novelty is exhilarating,” she added matter-of-factly.

The boy said nothing and submissively waited for his cue.

The woman started to circle him, gazing at his body as she further inspected him from every angle. He stood perfectly straight, his eyes fixed in front of him.

Suddenly the door in the room burst open, causing the woman, who was now running her hands delicately over the boy’s rippling abdomen, to jump and spin around. An attendant had just raced into the room, looking quite alarmed.

“What’s the meaning of this?” the woman roared.

“I’m sorry ma’am,” said the attendant, “but there’s been a mistake.”

The woman scowled. “What are you talking about?”

“This subject is not fit for service.”

“What do you mean?” cried the woman, looking over at the boy as her eyes inspected him carefully from head to toe again. “He looks perfectly fit to me.”

The attendant shifted her weight awkwardly from one foot to the other and looked sheepishly at the floor. “I’m dreadfully sorry, ma’am. But he’s not fit for service.”

“Do you know my status?” barked the woman, taking a step toward the attendant.

The attendant winced and her shoulders contracted, her eyes shifting uneasily. After a moment’s pause, she connected with the woman’s stare and nodded eagerly. “You’re an Operator,” she said in a weak voice. “And I’m terribly sorry we didn’t catch this sooner, ma’am. It’s just that we did a routine check with your DNA and a problem came up.”

“What are you talking about? There’s nothing wrong with my DNA!” the woman hissed, shaking an aggressive finger at the attendant. “Why is this subject not fit for service?”

“He’s – he’s –”

“Well, what is it? Come on, girl. I’m teaching a class here, and I don’t have all day.”

“He’s, well ...” the attendant began again, then she lowered her voice and her face braced up as if she was expecting a head-on collision. “Well ... the thing is ... he’s – your – nephew, ma’am.”

“My nephew!?”

The woman’s eyes widened and her jaw fell open. Her head slowly turned as she cast her gaze on the boy again. She raised a hand to cover her mouth. For a moment, she just stared at the boy, frozen stiff. Then she finally turned to the attendant and snapped, “Your superior will definitely be hearing about this!” And she stormed out the door, looking somewhat hysterical.

“I’m terribly sorry, ma’am,” the attendant wailed, following the woman out of the room. “Please don’t alert my superior. Please.”

The curtains swooped in from either side of the window, blotting out the room.

Ms. Bootsmith cleared her throat nervously. “Uh-hem. Yes, well, that does sometimes happen from time to time. You know, it can cause problems with the infants if we don’t correct the situation when it’s spotted. You all remember your biology lessons, don’t you? They should have another boy brought in momentarily – Miss Mayflower! Where are you going?”

“To com my mom,” Alicia replied over her shoulder, heading toward a corridor in a hurried rush. “It’s urgent.”

“You’re not going to mention me, are you?” Ms. Bootsmith said in a choked voice. “This wasn’t my fault, you understand. I had no idea they were related. You will explain to her that this wasn’t my fault, won’t you?”

But Alicia ignored her and raced down the corridor to where she found the first available comscreen protruding out of the wall. She placed her hand on the console, and spoke into the grail: “Alicia Mayflower, for Overseer Mayflower.”

“Placing your connection now,” said a mechanical voice. “Please standby.”

After several moments, a woman’s face appeared on the screen. Her eyes lit up. “Well, Miss Mayflower! What a surprise. How are you today?”

“I need to talk to my mom.”

“I’m sorry, dear. She’s in a meeting.”

“I need to talk to my mom, now!” Alicia yelled into the comscreen, pushing her face into the camera.

The woman coughed and lowered her brow. “Yes – er – well, I’ll see what I can do,” she stammered, scratching at the side of her nose. “Please hold.”

The screen went blank, and Alicia kicked one foot impatiently at the other. When it came back on, an older woman appeared, looking slightly annoyed. “My word, Alicia! I’m in an important meeting. Clara said it was urgent. What’s the matter? Did something go wrong at your orientation?”

“I want a boy reserved,” Alicia demanded, folding her arms over her chest.

“Of course, that shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s discuss this over supper.”

“No,” said Alicia, “I want a certain boy reserved now… for my initiation next week. He’s still a virgin.”

Her mother signed. “We’ve talked about this, Alicia. It’s better to get an experienced gigolo for your first time, someone who knows what they’re doing.”

Alicia stamped a foot on the tiled floor, the clamor echoing down the corridor. “No, I want this one! And I need you to reserve him before he’s been spoiled by someone else.”

Her mother drew in a heavy breath, held it, then let it out slowly. “Can we talk about this later?”

Alicia scowled. “No, you need to contact the Erosium and tell them to hold the boy; otherwise it might be too late if you wait.”

Her mother sighed, bringing up her wrist and looking at her watch with a twitch. “Alright, alright.”

“He was in room 322,” Alicia offered.

“I’ll contact them right away and tell them to reserve the boy for you, okay? You happy?”

A smile spread over Alicia’s face.

* * *

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being no interest and 10 being great interest), how interested would you be in reading more?

And what were your thoughts as you read? What questions came to mind that you would like answered?

HeWhoTravelsTheWorld
November 15th, 2014, 03:00 PM
7/10. i would very much like to read more.
i don't have many thoughts or any questions yet, but as i said before, i wanna read more.

Melodic
November 15th, 2014, 05:20 PM
It looks pretty good. I'll give it a 8/10.

SethfromMI
November 15th, 2014, 05:28 PM
I will give it an 8, I would read more :)

Elysium
November 15th, 2014, 05:32 PM
OP's banned. :locked: