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View Full Version : You will get sick of being sick.


Deleted User
September 14th, 2014, 12:55 AM
This section is my favourite section to post in. It reaffirms what I've achieved and it lets me tell other people that it gets better. And I don't mean that in the cheesy TV help hotline way.

A lot of you are young. A lot of you are going to go through the hardest few years of your lives. If you're dealing with a mental illness or addiction or eating disorder on top of that, it's going to be especially difficult.

I know this website is a place to vent and get help. But I get tired of people saying they deserve to be depressed, deserve to starve themselves, deserve to cut themselves. Because I thought that too. And it is not true.

You will get sick of being sick.

You're going to wake up one morning at rock bottom. You're going to see yourself in the mirror and not recognise yourself. You're going to break down. And you're going to going to wish for exactly what I wished for.

I wished I could get my life back.

I did.

I beat anorexia by myself. For a lot of people, that is not possible and you will need professional help. But I got so tired of being sick and hungry. I told myself, no matter how much guilt I felt for eating, that if I had the sheer will to get myself to that point, I could gather up that same will to make myself eat again.

I suffered after that with many other things: self-harm, depression, borderline personality disorder, drugs, social anxiety, agoraphobia, and constantly wanting to kill myself.

This March, I broke down. I couldn't find medications that worked. I couldn't stop cutting myself. I wanted to die. But I wanted to live. I went to the ER. I gave the doctors an ultimatum at the time (take this as you will, I don't know if it was the right thing to do but damn, did they ever listen to me). If they didn't help me, I would kill myself. But I didn't want to. I wanted them to help me. I beat anorexia by myself but I couldn't do the rest alone.

And they did help. Medication was tricky. It took a few tries but it was clear the little things they were giving me were not helping so they started on entirely new suggestions. They gave me more resources than anyone had given me before. They made sure I knew I was being listened to.

I just woke up one day and wanted my life back. I wanted to beat all of this. I wanted the good days to outweigh the inevitable bad because I don't deserve to suffer. And neither does anyone else. No matter what you're going through or how hard it seems right now, there will come a time -- whether it be now or a year from now or three -- where you will want your life back. That day will come. I cannot repeat myself more about how important you remember that that day will come.

For now, do the little things. Try your best. Because you're only getting a headstart. We're all ready to recover at our own pace but sometimes you do have to hit rock bottom before we realise that we need more. That we need to get better. I always encourage seeking help before you get to that point but for those who think that it will never get better and no help will really do any good, I am living proof that you are wrong.

I am still sick. I may always be sick. But I am managing it. I will continue to manage it because I want to live my life. I refuse to let myself suffer a day longer. A lot of it is your attitude. We hate to hear it when we're young and you'll still hate it when you get older but you'll start to see that it's true.

You want to get better? You will. You don't? You're going to wish for it one day. And then you will.

If you're looking for a sign that it's not over, this is it. I will keep posting in this section every time I think of something positive to say if I have to. Because what use was all that suffering if I can't use it to show people that the lies we believe thanks to depression and other illnesses are wrong? It's given me a new perspective on the world, that's for sure.

One where it does get better.

(Sorry for the rambling.)

Miserabilia
September 26th, 2014, 05:07 PM
Woww thanks that's strangely inspiring. Or I don't know, insightful? Thanks anyway

Karkat
October 1st, 2014, 06:59 PM
I agree with this so much, because I'm in the midst of a similar process right now. This year, I just finally cracked. I hit a low that was worse than any I'd experienced prior, and I thought "You know what, I'm tired of this.".

And it's been hell to try to bring myself out of it, but I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. And it may seem like a small thing, but I've cleaned my room this week- something I've been relatively incapable of for at least a couple months.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up and continue to progress, but the important thing is that I'm making the effort, and I'm putting faith in myself at this point.

Because you can't do it if you can't believe in yourself. If you don't have to motivation, the incentive, you'll fail.




Anyways, I don't mean to hijack your post. I'm just glad you're starting to heal as well. And I'm glad for everyone else on here who is starting to heal as well.