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View Full Version : I feel helpless, exposed and stupid


Dalcourt
July 12th, 2014, 11:08 PM
As I posted here before my dad is physically abusing me. I usually deal with this alone and hardly ever seek help from others. I try to keep it as secret as possible, as I don't want people around me asking questions or worse pitying me.

Sometimes people ask me about bruises or other injuries and as a rule I come up with a lie. Over the years I have become extremely skilled with inventing cover stories.

This week was really bad I felt really depressed and anxious over school and Dad was in a bad mood, too and so one of our arguments ended in a beating. I don't complain or anything but some quite ugly bruises were showing afterwards. I totally hate my skin color, why can't I be really black???
Living in the South it's way too hot to hide everything underneath clothes...so it's visible when I'm going out.
As I went home from buying some groceries for the weekend an elderly lady from the neighborhood joined me.
After a little small talk she suddenly said "dis daddy of yours beats you a lot"...I was totally stunned. I said something like why she thinks that and it is not true...she just smiled and looked at my bruises.
I felt so ashamed, so exposed and vulnerable I have hardly ever felt in my life. This helplessness made me aggressive and I just snapped at her to leave me alone and that's none of her business. I ran to get home. I've been between fits of hysterically crying and beating up the pillows on my bed in anger for a good deal of the day. I felt so helpless, so angry....and later extremely guilty for having been so bitchy to this lady. I feel stupid and I'm mad at myself. I really had the silly hope people here would not find out or Dad would eventually stop.
I feel exposed, week and like a total idiot.
What if that lady talks to others about it? I know I will totally freak out when people are looking at me now.
Should I go to her and apologize for having snapped at her like that and having been rude?

Living For Love
July 13th, 2014, 02:45 AM
If you wish, you can go and apologise to her, but I guess she kind of understood your situation, and it's a total normal reaction in my opinion. She touched a sensitive subject, and, like you said, you felt exposed and helpless. It's your decision whether to keep it a secret or not, obviously, and you should do what you're most comfortable with, but opening up a bit with a close friend or someone you can really trust definitely helps you a bit dealing with the situation. Abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter who it is and how he abuses you, it's always a bit easier if we have someone near us to comfort us when we need.

Were
July 13th, 2014, 04:55 AM
I think you should apologise to the old lady and if you can't do anything about your dad beating you,atleast lie down or bend towards something,so that he beats the butt that cannot be noticed and atleast find a friend that you talk to and you find yourself forgetting about your dad's abuse.

Soldier212
July 16th, 2014, 03:56 PM
There are 2 things you must do 1) apologize to the lady saying she is right that your dad does beat you a lot, and that you yelled at her because you are scared and enraged as to why you father does this to you. 2) you must contact the police. It is not embarrassing to call out for help. Everyone needs it at some point in there life, but you need it more than others. Calling the police will get you away from that torment, because what you father is doing to you is not what a father should do to a son no matter what! I know your road will be a difficult one but remember you have people there for you. You have all of us on VT and you have me.

thatgothgirluknow
July 16th, 2014, 09:39 PM
u should agoligize and don't feel guilty having been in the same place I understand its not abnormal to react this way ur not stupid ur dad has no right to hurt u and its in no way ur fault if u can try to get to a safe place when hes upset or at least cover ur head it helps allot to talk to a close friend although I get u might not want to

Dalcourt
July 17th, 2014, 11:47 PM
You are all right I should apologize and I really want to but honestly I have no idea how to go on about it without making the whole thing even more awkward.

Evanescent14
July 23rd, 2014, 03:47 PM
You might feel better saying sorry, you don't want guilt on top of everything else.
you don't need to say that she was right about what she said or anything, just say it wasn't right to be rude and your sorry and just leave it at that.

Dalcourt
July 24th, 2014, 10:59 PM
You might feel better saying sorry, you don't want guilt on top of everything else.
you don't need to say that she was right about what she said or anything, just say it wasn't right to be rude and your sorry and just leave it at that.

Yeah, right...I tried to talk to her, but she gives me that pitiful look and whenever you need help speech that makes me feel like a little kid. I don't want being pitied or anything, so why do people always make me feel like that. Why am I a different person cuz my Dad hits me? Why can't they just let me go on with my life and let me decide for myself whether I need to be saved or not. For the most of it my life is okay, why do people make me feel like a worthless, helpless idiot?

Pulp501
July 25th, 2014, 02:01 AM
If you are uncomfortable talking to her, she will understand if you don't apologize. And I'd suggest reaching out to someone about your dad. Call the police, or talk to another trusted adult.