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Karkat
June 12th, 2014, 01:49 PM
This may just be the impending manic episode talking (I'm off my meds due to last night's mess, cold turkey, which doesn't help.) but I'm starting to see a... Light. Not at the end of the tunnel, there's no such thing. But maybe like, a crack in the stormclouds, where the sun shines through.

I reached out on Facebook (which probably ultimately ended up saving my ass) when I was drunk last night, and scared the shit out of a bunch of my friends.

Which means they're keeping close tabs on me. Sometimes, I forget how many people actually care about me.

Then, this morning, I realized that I've been going about coping with my alcoholism, with my mental illness, with EVERYTHING all wrong. Well, I've been coping with it the way you do when you're depressed, but that doesn't make it the right way.

I've been pushing my friends away. Distancing myself. Or feeling the need to. Jabbing the pokers out there, and seeing if I can push my friends away when they get too close.

What I need to do is harass the fuck out of those friends, and talk their ears off. I know that sounds, uh, selfish, and harsh, but it's literally necessary. I have to make sure that I'm pushing to involve myself in my friendships. Even if I overpush. My friends already know I'm insufferable- they'll either tell me to shut up, or ignore me until they feel like talking to me.

Problem is, I have exactly 6 close friends that are not my boyfriend, one of them lives half the world away (so also half the day away), one is severely depressed (and 100% done with my shit, terrible with dealing with emotions, if you've guessed "oh, this is the friend you offered sex to" you would be right), one lives half the country away and is touchy as fuck, two are busy ladies with lives, and one is a full-time worker (as well as my ex-fiance. Judge me if you will, I guess, but neither of us has feelings for the other still, and we were best friends before we were together.)

Six friends may SOUND like a lot, but when you are constantly trapped inside your house, and pretty much need constant companionship, 6 friends is pretty slim pickings- don't get me wrong, I'm more than thankful for them, but it's not fair to expect them to be there to talk every second of the day.

So basically, I need to reach out. Get closer to other friends. Make new friends. Constantly talk to people. Evolve into a social butterfly.

But that's just the start. I have to keep telling myself a few things:

1. I am worth it

2. I have a ton of people who love and care about me

3. I can do this. Life. I can get through the rough spots to enjoy the little moments of happiness, and I can enjoy the fuck out of those moments.

4. I can get better. No, I'll never be 'cured', but I can recover to where I can function in society again.

5. I need to look out for the little things. The sunrises, the sunsets, my favourite episode of my favourite TV show. A song I used to love. A warm bath. The 'road' to happiness isn't a road, it's more like a sidewalk. Sometimes crowded, sometimes entirely empty for blocks around. It's also not so much that happiness is some sort of idyllic destination, it's more like little pit stops along the way. Flowers by the road, a cool rock, a park, a library, that sort of thing. It gets broken up. It's also like the little green plants in the cracks of the pavement- in TINY amounts sprinkled all over along the way, but usually ignored, because we're too busy trying to find more happy. Ironically. Because when you stop and enjoy the 'plants', you find happiness quicker. It's easier to find happiness. We all just have to keep enjoying the small things.

In fact, for some inspiration, one of my small things today(Happily, yes, I've had several already today):

http://i57.tinypic.com/314dlbo.jpg
(It's an evening primrose, if you're wondering :3 I saw it walking home from the gas station this morning near my mailbox, all by its lonesome. I wanted to take a pic so it'd live on forever <3)

To anyone who is struggling with depression, or anything, it is VITALLY IMPORTANT to surround yourself with people who care, and to focus on finding those 'little green plants', ok? I may not be an expert on happiness, but I do know this much about it.

Hang in there guys, and have a beautiful day. <3

CassnovA
June 12th, 2014, 02:51 PM
youre someone i look up to on vt and i wouldnt have known u to be going thru these things but im glad things are taking a turn for the better.

Karkat
June 12th, 2014, 02:53 PM
youre someone i look up to on vt and i wouldnt have known u to be going thru these things but im glad things are taking a turn for the better.

Aww, heaven knows why, but thank you. :) I am too.

JamesSuperBoy
June 12th, 2014, 02:55 PM
cool - if I can I rescue tree seedlings and plant them in a better place -

CosmicNoodle
June 12th, 2014, 02:59 PM
Ren...you are awesome...I dont say that often enough.
I like that way of thinking about it, as a sidwalk with flowers growing in it, not nas a road with a final destination, but as a path with happyness distibuted along it at equal intervuls....that may become my new way of looking at life :)
Also "Im going to enjoy the fuck out of it", LMFAO.

Miserabilia
June 12th, 2014, 03:01 PM
You're the best, that was really inspiring <3

Karkat
June 12th, 2014, 03:08 PM
cool - if I can I rescue tree seedlings and plant them in a better place -

That's awesome :D What a noble effort!

Ren...you are awesome...I dont say that often enough.
I like that way of thinking about it, as a sidwalk with flowers growing in it, not nas a road with a final destination, but as a path with happyness distibuted along it at equal intervuls....that may become my new way of looking at life :)
Also "Im going to enjoy the fuck out of it", LMFAO.

Aww, thank you ;w;

I'm glad you took something out of it :D

You're the best, that was really inspiring <3

Aww, thank you :) <3

Horatio Nelson
June 12th, 2014, 04:00 PM
Ren, stay motherfuckin' golden. :D

Karkat
June 12th, 2014, 04:15 PM
Ren, stay motherfuckin' golden. :D

I will. :D Nice reference, by the way (If it is what I think it is)

Karkat
June 17th, 2014, 06:49 PM
Beautiful

Thank you :)

Luminous
June 17th, 2014, 07:45 PM
This is a really fantastic post, Ren. It's optimistic and inspiring, yet truthful. It's good to see you're doing well, too. Thank you for sharing this.

Karkat
June 17th, 2014, 07:53 PM
This is a really fantastic post, Ren. It's optimistic and inspiring, yet truthful. It's good to see you're doing well, too. Thank you for sharing this.

Thanks. :)

Now to keep shoving my nose in it every time I get down on myself. :P

StacyD
June 17th, 2014, 09:02 PM
Thank you :)

Thank you as well. Stay strong.

Karkat
June 18th, 2014, 03:05 PM
Thank you as well. Stay strong.

You're welcome, and thanks once again. :)