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View Full Version : Life has its ups and downs, if ot doesnt, your dead.


CosmicNoodle
April 18th, 2014, 07:44 PM
Let's start from the top, many a year ago. Now, are we all sitting g comfortably?

When I was in year 3 (I live in the UK, America may have a different education system) I started to get bullied, a small act in itself,almost normal for it to happen. But I have pinned that down as the point things started to turn down. As it would, the bullying took a shit on my self esteem, meaning that in the later years of pre school I had very little confidence again. This limited my ability to make friends meaning g I had none at all by the time it came to high school, I couldn't make any as I was still siffereing with low self esteem from primary school.
When high school came I was alone, it stayed that way for a long time, I'm talking g years, because it was stuck in my head "everyone hates you, your a waste of space". As I started to develop as a person, low self esteem stopped making me lonely, but it started making me sad as I grew up, I mean really sad. You start to developed depression, not common place in children, buy that's what happens when your always alone and suffer from " everyone hates you" syndrome. Once I hit year 8 (second year of high school) I had my first though of suicide. I'm year 8, a child, not a teenager, a child. I lice in a world with suicidal children. Christ...

The depression continued, as it does, eating away at you, day by day, week by week. Always alone because your convinced everyone hates you, hey, your so broken at this point you don't even notice that your self harming...
So let's fast forward, you can fill in the blanks, another 3 years of the same shit. Now I'm in year 11(last year of high school), your alone, no girlfriend, but hey, you have friends now. The dreags of society no one else wants, but they are better than nothing. You still hate yourself, you still harm yourself, you still think about killing yourself...and about killing other people, ohh...now that would be fun....so much fun.
As you can tell, at this point I was lost, all my friends where convinced I was a phycopath, everyone else was convinced I was a foul mooded twat who hated everyone.....I may have been....

Fast forward 6 months. So close to today you can remember it. The 9th of January 2014 at 5:30ish. Joseph Robinson (me) throws himself in front of a moving truck trying to just fuckong end it. To stop voices, to stop anger, sadness, hate, loneliness,
Unfortunately cargo truks are more manoverable than they look, "screach, shouts and smoke" and I am still standing in the middle of the road eytes scrunched shut and teats on my cheaks. "Fucker missed me.....shit"

Anyway, that's that, today I am under close supervision , have been relsesed from hospital and have regular phyciatrists visits, I have extreme depression, paranoya, anxiety, deepseated emotional issues, anger issues, suicidal thought, a natural hate of everyone and no real point to love Things are looking up, most defiantly looking up, I even managed to smile yesterday.

But what I'm trying to say is that the reason all this started was because of bullying in primary school, what was seen as "playing" by teachers to lasey to intervene. As far as I can tell, had it not been for Alled Lewis and his fucking small penis syndroam. My life may have panned out very differently, not great perhaps, but better than this. After all this the point I'm trying to make is, bullying, no matter how small, WILL affect children, and god only knows for how long, and in what ways...

backjruton
April 18th, 2014, 09:52 PM
OK. For me, everything went in a different order, but I completely understand you anyway :cool:
And as I'm writing this and more things come back to me; I'm sorry for this big wall of writing again but as a lot of people have said on here it's good to vent things out.

I was never good with making friends in primary school. In year 2 I had 1 or 2 friends I played with a lot but only one of them was a "best friend" - he was in the year below but the way they did things in my school; we had year 1 and 2 in the one group with also seperate classes for year 1 and 2 - year 3 and 4 in the one group with also seperate classes for year 3 and 4 - and year 5 and 6 in the one group with also seperate classes for year 5 and 6. I like being repetitive for some reason.

I can't quite remember the details, but I fell out with them over something stupid; one of them went to my high school too, wouldn't even talk to me - I guess he realized I was too much of a freak to hang around with like a lot of people seem to have. After falling out with him I seemed to have no friends for the rest of primary school, I felt an outcast, I had people I got along with slightly but never enough to consider them friends; up until year 6 where I made friends with a group of 3 or 4 more people - I guess they felt sorry for me for some reason, I was always doing the worst out of everyone in the group and having problems with the teacher at that time who got mad when I didn't address her properly among other things but then she soon felt bad when the suspicions came about that I was mentally disabled. I seemed to do everything there with them because obviously in primary school, there's only one class you stick to (I think by year 6 we had 2 sets for maths and english as we had a second teacher and naturally I was in set 2 for both), at that point I felt complete because I had friends but then came along high school and only the people I DIDN'T like in primary school went to the same high school I did :mad:

In year 7 I don't think I really tried to mix with anyone. Obviously I tried to catch people's attention because I was an outcast again, everyone had friends from their old schools but I didn't and that's especially because I was in the side of the school all the girls from primary went into and because of some misunderstood sexual harassment (I didn't know it was bad until I almost got expelled in year 7 for it, I honestly thought girls took it as a compliment when I kept asking them for sex... but I'm past that now anyway, I now don't see how the fuck I thought it would help me fit in) they all hated me. I only got along with guys, but they still treated me like crap too and said it was "being friendly" or some shit like that, but I made friends with them soon enough anyway.

In year 8 I started to make friends, I had a small group of 4 other people I always hanged out with, that's when things were getting better for me. But not long after, I made a new friend and got along with him so much my friends kept telling me he was a problem but I was oblivious to it and I kept going back to this other guy - I got to the point of walking to school with him and telling him a lot of secrets. Because we were in the same English group as well, there was something I did to make him laugh (I think playing with my nipples or something.. through my sweatshirt) and I was stupid enough to let him record me doing it because I was such good friends with him I didn't think he would do anything with it to embarrass me. But the next day it was on facebook, fucking FACEBOOK, when I told him not to upload it and actually trusted him. Naturally I think the next day is when I ended my friendship with him, reported the facebook video and blocked him. He also revealed all of my secrets to the other people in the school, which meant they knew a lot of embarrassing things about me that I thought I could trust him with... again.

Then fast forward to year 9; this is when I made friends again with the people I fell out with, reported this prick to the head mistress and started to make even more friends. One of them was a girl, but she isn't involved much in this part - I started going on webcam with a friend I met on RuneScape and talking to him a lot, he did the same kind of thing and I remember I blocked him for something around 8 months before I finally forgave him and wanted to speak to him again because I'd known him for much much longer, he was a good friend unlike this other prick, one girl managed to find him on facebook after my best friend told her about him so they started talking and he told her a lot of things then once again a lot of people in the school knew. I guess because I'd experienced it a second time, I didn't mind as much, but it still knocked my self esteem a LOT more. This is also around the time one of my cats was put down, I was in severe depression for quite a while but not diagnosed and I calmed down eventually, again I made more friends when this happened.

Then came along year 10, I was diagnosed with autism/aspergers. This caused a hell of a lot of other mysteries for me, because as well as having to survive through the next 2 years of high school I had to worry about telling people and finding out more about it. I made more friends once again here, started to talk to and get along with so many more people, but I still felt an outcast because I wasn't and still am not used to that kind of thing and obviously I now have problems with self esteem and trust issues after one prick and one douchebag (douchebag is the second one, I don't consider him as bad) decided to expose some secrets about me. I even had a fucking girlfriend in year 11, I had TWO at the same time, but that was nothing serious - although teen relationships NEVER seem to be - and even though I did hug them I didn't do anything else, I can't bring myself to do it, I was already questioning my sexuality and identifying myself as bisexual then anyway. By the end I got along with 99% of the people in that school, there were just a few ass holes I didn't get along with, and I stayed with all of these good friends until the end; and there was one girl I teased a lot because I wanted to cheer her up as I know she was upset a lot, and it worked in very strange ways.

I didn't think I would pass my exams.. but I did, at the bare minimum. I got Cs in every subject and 4 Bs in performing arts which was good enough for the college course I wanted to do, but because of a panic in the interview that was partly caused by some of these issues I decided to join the lower level course anyway. I even joked to my mum on exam results day, I got a picture of a death certificate off the internet and edited it to say I'd died of "sadness after not passing my exams", I was extremely worried about it but my parents kept saying they didn't care how I did because when I was born the doctors expected a lot less of me, they said I would never be able to walk or talk and because of my muscle problems I would be a floppy stretchy freak. I have some developmental problems among other things. But luckily I've got on fine, defied these bastards by a long shot, while having some things I know are issues but I'm not trying to get help because I'd rather try to deal with it myself.

In college I now have the one friend I do everything with again and I get along with everyone in the group just fine, things are back to how they were in year 2 except for the fact I talk to more people AND this one friend I do everything with now is almost exactly like me in every way, except for the fact she prefers girls a lot and I prefer guys a lot which is the thing that conflicts a lot but we both seem to be autistic anyway - I know I am, but I'm not too sure on her although she did say she has a severe disability, I think a severe aspergers or something and it sounds like at least through part of high school we were in the same boat although we went to different schools and college is now the best time for both of us. I feel much happier there than I ever did in school.



I think what I myself am trying to say is - things will get better, it seems like for part of it we have been the same but in different orders. It really took a shit on my self esteem and 4 years later I'm still finding it hard to recover because of it and I find it extremely hard to talk to people in private because I'm scared they will tell other people the things I tell them and I can't talk to my old best friends on facebook because of it. I make friends easily but like I've said, I think that's because they know I'm autistic and they feel bad for me, so I'm not sure if they actually like me or if they just put up with me. I remember at the end of primary school I had absolutely no hope for where I was going next, but high school apart from those 3 friends didn't turn out too bad, I got along with so many people but I still had the 3 or 4 I got bullied by in the end and sadly they were 4 of the people who went to the primary school I did; but then came along college, I love being at college because of the friends I've made there. I told a friend I'm attracted to him, the only knockback there is he now thinks I want to have sex with him; I get random erections when I see him, he's SO hot in my eyes it's unreal, but I just can't explain it... Grey-homosexuality/asexuality is what that is. No one has any problems with my sexuality, they didn't in school either, and that's a great thing, that's good in the UK anyway.

I won't say I've ever got to the point of ending up in a mental hospital because even though I probably should have thousands of times by now because of these thoughts, I've never attempted anything and because of that I'm not under close supervision but my parents think I should be anyway because people with disabilities generally can't be trusted... I've been negative quite a lot of the time too, it just seems to be a part of life, but I've never got to the point of harming myself because anything visual WILL get me under the supervision and I really hate the sound of it so no thanks to that.

My main group of friends were who no one else wanted too, because from my knowledge at least 6 were autistic/had ADHD and 1 of them was dyslexic. I was really happy with them, things did start to get much better for me. Part of it is because I reported problems when they came around and I didn't let some things certain people did bother me. I and a friend sat next to eachother in English, I kept touching him up unnoticed but that's something else... we kept playing with eachother's stuff, it was a lot of fun but we hardly ever got any work done. I could never talk to them properly, but I tried my best; it's because I'd known them for a while, but in college I'm in a group of 30 and only one school friend carried over as well as one from primary school who luckily didn't seem to remember a lot of stupid things I'd done and I'm good friends with her now too - I feel a lot better with the friends in college but deep down I still have that horrible sinking feeling that I can't trust any of them, when one of them gets hold of my phone I get in to a panic; and the friend who I said I'm attracted to told other people but at least he came out for me (told people I was gay so I didn't have to tell all the others) which was better for me. I think I've missed some vital things here, I've got extremely carried away again, but I've tried to say the best I can.

Things will get better. It depends on what other things you do though. I'm in an art college, people there are generally nicer which made things easier for me. I didn't think I'd be able to make new friends, but I did, and I'm slowly recovering from what this one person did. I've gone into a lot more detail than you have it seems, I do that a lot when I'm quite into something...

Good luck in your exams, try not to let these other people bother you for that; if you didn't report anyone that caused you any problems - you should have, it helped me a lot because the people who did these bad things didn't want to get in trouble again, that only didn't work for the bellend in year 8. If you're going into a college, try to make friends there because it's easier when not a lot of people know you because it's nice to make a new start. My main reason for going into this course is because the friend I went onto it with told me he was autistic too a week before my interview, and that cheered me up a lot that I'm not the only person who isn't too shy to tell anyone. I've forgotten about those people, they're not in my life anymore, and even though you still have the demons in the closet from when these people in your life they hopefully won't be anymore in the foreseeable future. I know how you feel, even though I may not sound that way, and from this post you seem a nice person to talk to but I'm not always too sure on that. As long as you weren't too invasive with me, I would be the same, and I also don't like being asked how I am feeling because I can never provide a clear answer. I'm more lighthearted and once I get to know people I get on much better, definitely if they don't know much about my actual life. Talking online is better, it's made me feel a lot better and it should for you too. :)


Once again, sorry for the extremely long post but you reminded me of a lot of demons I had to let slightly more out of the closet XD