View Full Version : How My Life has Changed Me

The Trendy Wolf
March 30th, 2014, 03:45 PM
When I was in my first elementary school, everything seemed fine for me, and my grades were decent at the time. The kids were nice along with the teachers, but that really changed when I moved into another school as a result of passing the "Gifted and Talented" (GT) test going into 3rd grade. Very few of the people I knew passed, and so I faced a new group of kids to meet and make friends with. I am a strong introvert, I have severe ADHD, and I am a rather emotional guy, which made making friends with other guys extremely difficult, and I never even considered joining a group of girls at the time, whom I would have likely been better paired with.

My first year at the new school was great, especially since I had one of the nicest teachers I had ever met. I was a happy, cheerful kid up until the following year when things took a turn for the worse. I never really developed what people refer to as "social skills", and I'm very shy, so becoming part of a new group of kids was tough. Everyone seemed to find their own friends while I remained on the outside of all conversations, just doing my homework or whatever I was supposed to do. I was a very 'different' kid that never made many friends and did my own thing.

In 4th grade, everyone seemed to have their own little cliques that they firmly stuck to, and I became very, very lonely. My grades plummeted and my teachers constantly gave me a hard time about it, which only made me feel worse about myself. Another thing that set me apart from the majority of the kids was that I am an 'early bloomer', meaning I started puberty earlier than most. At this time in my life, I had nobody to sit with at lunch, no one to really talk to, but deep down I wanted to belong somewhere. During recess, I usually sat alone on the swing-set, staring at the ground and kicking the mulch, heaving a sigh whenever someone walked by me. All I wanted was some attention.

Once I went on to 5th grade, I realized that I would have the same homeroom teacher again for another year. My grades remained terribly low, and my depression began to become a normality. Whenever I got the chance, I would walk up to my teacher's desk and tell her that I had a stomach ache or something. I would go to the clinic, and I would usually end up calling my mother to have her come pick me up. I hated being at school, and for some reason I always felt afraid to walk back into my own classroom, knowing that everyone would be staring at me.

6th grade was when the bullying began. Things were at their lowest for me. I desperately tried to join this group of popular kids that sat in the back of my bus. They listened to rap music and thought they were cool. I did too. I wanted to be with them, and so I would always sit in the back of the bus and listen to their conversations. If I thought of something that I could add to the conversation, which rarely happened, I would speak and they would all just stare at me. Other kids made jokes about my lack of friends, and they would flat-out ask me to name all of my friends. The list was never any longer than two, maybe three people, one of which was my friend Sean.

Sean had an ear infection for the first few years of his life, so his learning and development has been slightly impaired. He's not too bright, but he's a good kid, and he also has ADHD. We'd sit and play video games or play with sticks like they were guns outside all day. The best thing about it was that he lived right next door, and he was the closest thing that I had to a friend.

There were always certain kids that I would avoid eye contact with in the hallway, in fear that they would ask me something or insult me. One kid in particular, Amir, would always jokingly greet me and make me feel uncomfortable. One day, he was going home with one of the popular kids on the back of my bus. Just like every other day, I sat right outside their group leaning into the aisle. When Amir saw me listening to them, he pointed at me, chuckling, and said, "Look at Grant, trying to be a part of the conversation." And they all laughed at me, sincere giggles from all of them that seemed to persist through my mind as I sat with my head leaning on the window in utter loneliness while the rest of them continued chatting without a care in the world. It was raining that day, as I remember it.

I spent the rest of the year sitting alone in my own depression. I became isolated from everyone I was afraid of.

When I went into middle school, new teachers and new students, I began considering my isolation to be independence, and I refused to associate myself with anyone that resembled those who were verbally abusive to me. Those two years of school were the greatest I ever had. I became a straight-A student for the first time in my life as my teachers finally saw my potential. My depression seemed to die off along with my acceptance of my isolation and uniqueness, and that I didn't need to be like anyone else. However, I still remained friendless for the most part.

As things were looking up for me, going into high school, I saw no end to my happiness and self-confidence. I felt like I had it all figured out, and that I knew what I was going to do with my life. I could not have been more wrong about that.

During one school day last October, I began to see a trend in my number of friends decreasing as the school year went on, which is similar to the way things played out in school years past. Earlier in the year I had quit the football team to focus on school and also because I just didn't like those kids in general. I also didn't join the baseball team, which had been a life-long passion of mine, but I still wanted to direct my attention to academics rather than sports. Upon realizing this gradual decline in friends, my mind became frantic, almost instantly, and I felt insane at the time. Just that thought triggered something larger than I could have ever suspected.

It felt as if all my feelings of worry and sorrow and irritability overwhelmed my thoughts and clouded my judgment all at once. All those repressed memories of loneliness had finally come back. All at once, the barriers that I had set between myself and my past had crumbled before my eyes. All this time that I felt safe from my past, as if I had accepted it, I was always on the brink of disaster and insanity.

That day was the worst I had ever experienced, and it persisted. I told my mother that I needed to see a psychologist, and she could see an obvious change in my mood. I was enraged by everything around me, and I was very well aware of it, but I couldn't seem to control it.

I was diagnosed with severe Anxiety and Depression, and I became very pensive and emotional for months, but I still clung to my old self tightly. After weeks of struggling in school and fighting with my unsympathetic parents, I'm beginning to feel much better. One issue that I still face is that my ADHD medication that is meant to keep me calm and focused in school also feeds my anxiety and uncertainty. There are nights when I feel as if I'm crazy and descending into some catatonic phase, but there are some when I feel incredibly happy and cheerful and at peace.

I cannot even begin to describe the amount of knowledge that I have gained in just this past year alone. I am absolutely changed as a result of everything that has happened to me, and although I can never escape those things, I can always choose whether they will keep me from doing what I desire to do, and I will not let it define who I truly am and what I can accomplish in my life.

I really appreciate all of you that read everything. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you! :D

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

March 30th, 2014, 04:07 PM
Thx for sharing your story! :D

Synyster Shadows
March 30th, 2014, 06:46 PM
Wow. That's amazing. I'm glad that you've made the best out of such a difficult time in your life. That's great. :)

March 30th, 2014, 06:52 PM
Wow, I wish I had the positivity you have..

But that's really great! :)

The Trendy Wolf
March 30th, 2014, 08:07 PM
Wow, I wish I had the positivity you have..

But that's really great! :)

Believe me, I find it very hard to be positive. Uncertainty is something that really gets in the way of being positive, but a lot of the time positivity just takes personal techniques.

March 31st, 2014, 03:49 AM

April 1st, 2014, 04:15 PM
Really amazing story, i wish you all the very best for the future. :-)

Living For Love
April 1st, 2014, 04:30 PM
Amazing story! You're a really strong person for having survived all that. You should be proud of yourself.

April 2nd, 2014, 08:23 AM
Hey, that's truly inspiring. I really wish you a successful life.