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View Full Version : It's been 3.5 years and I'm not over this yet. (sexual assault warning)


PinkFloyd
September 25th, 2017, 11:31 PM
I'm still really good friends with my ex of two and a half years. This thread isn't me saying I want to get back with her. That's not it at all. I do still care about her; and it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I still love her even though I want nothing to do with her romantically. I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but she has another ex. That ex raped her one night near the end of their break-up when she was 15. He was 16. It took a month's time in our relationship for her to tell me what happened to her. It took great courage for her to tell me what happened because she had the victim mindset down really really badly. She said she didn't want to bring it up because she was afraid it would "start something." Absolutely heartbreaking.

So the plot thickens. The rapist, who I'll refer to as Joe doesn't know I know what happened, so every time I've seen him out of chance, he's been all nice and friendly with me; and I tried to be the same way, but I could only do it a few times. if I see him any more, I think I might just lose it and confront him to his face, and see what follows. The rape he committed was the worst that rape can be. All rape is horrible and unforgivable in my book, but this somehow appeared worse. He had a knife and stuck it to her throat and told her not to move while he carried his act out. Everyone was very sober and very awake. I'm getting extremely heated just typing this. One of the bigger reasons I moved to college so far away was because Joe kept kind of popping up in my day-to-day life. I found out he applied at the store I worked at and would be hired there. I quit almost as soon as I found that news out. I'm freaking out now about this because Joe applied to the same college that my ex applied to. I doubt he did it on purpose, (University of Minnesota Twin Cities is a huge school) but what if. I really just needed to vent. I don't feel violent towards anyone, but this guy is a different story for sure. Thanks for reading.

Uniquemind
September 26th, 2017, 01:29 AM
I'm still really good friends with my ex of two and a half years. This thread isn't me saying I want to get back with her. That's not it at all. I do still care about her; and it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I still love her even though I want nothing to do with her romantically. I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but she has another ex. That ex raped her one night near the end of their break-up when she was 15. He was 16. It took a month's time in our relationship for her to tell me what happened to her. It took great courage for her to tell me what happened because she had the victim mindset down really really badly. She said she didn't want to bring it up because she was afraid it would "start something." Absolutely heartbreaking.

So the plot thickens. The rapist, who I'll refer to as Joe doesn't know I know what happened, so every time I've seen him out of chance, he's been all nice and friendly with me; and I tried to be the same way, but I could only do it a few times. if I see him any more, I think I might just lose it and confront him to his face, and see what follows. The rape he committed was the worst that rape can be. All rape is horrible and unforgivable in my book, but this somehow appeared worse. He had a knife and stuck it to her throat and told her not to move while he carried his act out. Everyone was very sober and very awake. I'm getting extremely heated just typing this. One of the bigger reasons I moved to college so far away was because Joe kept kind of popping up in my day-to-day life. I found out he applied at the store I worked at and would be hired there. I quit almost as soon as I found that news out. I'm freaking out now about this because Joe applied to the same college that my ex applied to. I doubt he did it on purpose, but what if. I really just needed to vent. I don't feel violent towards anyone, but this guy is a different story for sure. Thanks for reading.

Hmmm, I suspects he suspects you know and that she told.

He seems to be a higher level sociopath. Be cautious, but also be calm. The anxiety you leak out even subconsciously can be sniffed out by people like him.

The only way to shield, is to partition your mind and convince yourself you actually don't give any cares about the tragedy that occurred to your ex-gf. Despite the fact you do care, it's a very hard mental trick to pull off and it's not something I can teach you.

If you can't do this, I'd steer clear of him and let your girlfriend handle her own business and have her rely on her girlfriends to protect her. He could be stalking her, because he knows she never told on him.

rioo
September 26th, 2017, 08:45 AM
just few hours ago I read criminal news about relationship and the storyline is because the ex boyfriend fighting wanting the girl back. So please dont do that, leave some space.

PinkFloyd
September 26th, 2017, 11:38 AM
just few hours ago I read criminal news about relationship and the storyline is because the ex boyfriend fighting wanting the girl back. So please dont do that, leave some space.

Yeah, I want nothing to do romantically with my ex. Her and I are friends and that's how it's gonna stay.

Hmmm, I suspects he suspects you know and that she told.

He seems to be a higher level sociopath. Be cautious, but also be calm. The anxiety you leak out even subconsciously can be sniffed out by people like him.

The only way to shield, is to partition your mind and convince yourself you actually don't give any cares about the tragedy that occurred to your ex-gf. Despite the fact you do care, it's a very hard mental trick to pull off and it's not something I can teach you.

If you can't do this, I'd steer clear of him and let your girlfriend handle her own business and have her rely on her girlfriends to protect her. He could be stalking her, because he knows she never told on him.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I suppose for my safety and his, him and I should steer clear. Again, one of the reasons I put an entire midwestern fly-over state between us

Just JT
September 26th, 2017, 11:57 AM
Rape is a horrible thing. Nothing worse in my world. It's the worst type of abuse there is imo. It rolls all types of abuse onto one, and hopefully only one event if at all. Just keep in mind rape is a violent crime, not a sexual one.

Id agree also that he may know she told him. I'd wonder how that became a conversation between them.

Avoiding him, unfortunatly is avoiding the issue. He brutalized someone's life you care deeply for. So there fore the rape also has affected your life. Heat another victim. Leaving your job or escaping across the state doesn't make the problem go away. But not sure I'd confront him on it either. It's a hard balance to find, if at all possible.

What I'd say is to be there for her as a friend. Encourage her to go to counseling, and go with her if that is possible and helpful. You both may benifit from that.

As for Joe? If it was me, I'd keep on keepin' on and let him become all best bros with me. Hold it all inside....for now.

The right time and place will come. Maybe when your alone, and unsuspecting. Then tell him you know. And let him know how he fucked up others lives. And to leave those live alone. Or it will be reported. Just make sure your ex is on board with that to. You don't know what's been said or done between them.

But one thing is clear, you both probably want her out of your lives. And if Joe is made to feel your best friends or something, and you end with it like that, he'll feel some pain and loss. Passive pain and loss. Not like what you and her have felt, but probably the worst you could cause someone legally, and still get some kind of satisfaction that he may not bother you or her again.


I'm really sorry this happened to her and you. I know how bad that all can be. And the path backnis long, and may never end unfortunatly

Uniquemind
September 26th, 2017, 10:41 PM
Rape is a horrible thing. Nothing worse in my world. It's the worst type of abuse there is imo. It rolls all types of abuse onto one, and hopefully only one event if at all. Just keep in mind rape is a violent crime, not a sexual one.

Id agree also that he may know she told him. I'd wonder how that became a conversation between them.

Avoiding him, unfortunatly is avoiding the issue. He brutalized someone's life you care deeply for. So there fore the rape also has affected your life. Heat another victim. Leaving your job or escaping across the state doesn't make the problem go away. But not sure I'd confront him on it either. It's a hard balance to find, if at all possible.

What I'd say is to be there for her as a friend. Encourage her to go to counseling, and go with her if that is possible and helpful. You both may benifit from that.

As for Joe? If it was me, I'd keep on keepin' on and let him become all best bros with me. Hold it all inside....for now.

The right time and place will come. Maybe when your alone, and unsuspecting. Then tell him you know. And let him know how he fucked up others lives. And to leave those live alone. Or it will be reported. Just make sure your ex is on board with that to. You don't know what's been said or done between them.

But one thing is clear, you both probably want her out of your lives. And if Joe is made to feel your best friends or something, and you end with it like that, he'll feel some pain and loss. Passive pain and loss. Not like what you and her have felt, but probably the worst you could cause someone legally, and still get some kind of satisfaction that he may not bother you or her again.


I'm really sorry this happened to her and you. I know how bad that all can be. And the path backnis long, and may never end unfortunatly


I disagree, I think non-confrontational approach like the OP has done is the best option. There's no need to get involved directly.

If she however was seriously girlfriend to potential wife significance in his life, then sure get involved, but your only friends so the only real major role you have is to be a supportive emotional support IF SHE (his ex) calls him first for help.

The only pro-active thing appropriate to do, would be to notify her that the rapist-ex before he was her boyfriend, is in the immediate area of her and she should be on guard.

RJH98
October 1st, 2017, 02:37 PM
I have been through the same thing you are going through in some way. My now ex-girlfriend got raped at a party two weeks before we started dating. I am the only person that knows about it and I promisssed her not to tell anyone ever (she made me promise that to her when she broke up with me and I stayed true to that, which was difficult at some points because it played a part in us breaking up, so every time someone asked why we split, I had to lie). Now she never told me who it was, trying to prevent me doing anything I would regret, but I have a feeling I know... If I were you I would not get involved any more than you already are

NewLeafsFan
October 3rd, 2017, 01:02 AM
Please accept my sympathy for what your ex girlfriend has been through and with how this has interfered while crossing paths with your life. It was terrible.

Unless your xgf plans to try and have him charged you need to let this go. Bringing it up would only make things more unpleasant. Making him know that you know will only make things worse at this point. The truth is this isn't your battle so you can't fight it.

WhoWhatWhen
October 3rd, 2017, 01:35 AM
Like others have said, itís probably best if you donít do anything. Itís not your battle. She has to be the one to do something about it. The only smart things you could do is maybe bring it up and encourage the idea of reporting it. You shouldnít get involved more than that.

PinkFloyd
October 3rd, 2017, 04:17 AM
I have been through the same thing you are going through in some way. My now ex-girlfriend got raped at a party two weeks before we started dating. I am the only person that knows about it and I promisssed her not to tell anyone ever (she made me promise that to her when she broke up with me and I stayed true to that, which was difficult at some points because it played a part in us breaking up, so every time someone asked why we split, I had to lie). Now she never told me who it was, trying to prevent me doing anything I would regret, but I have a feeling I know... If I were you I would not get involved any more than you already are

I am really glad my ex was comfortable enough to tell me what happened. I know it's difficult for a lot of victims to do that; but part of me wishes that she would've done what your ex did and didn't mention who it was. I mean, it's been years, and I still haven't let this thing go. I'm generally pretty easy-going, and even a little too passive at times, but with this kid.. I want to choke slam him through a sheetrock wall. I won't, but I want to.

Oh, and nice name, bro.

Please accept my sympathy for what your ex girlfriend has been through and with how this has interfered while crossing paths with your life. It was terrible.

Unless your xgf plans to try and have him charged you need to let this go. Bringing it up would only make things more unpleasant. Making him know that you know will only make things worse at this point. The truth is this isn't your battle so you can't fight it.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. As much as I want to carry out several acts of violence against the rapist, it would be the wrong thing of me to do. Shit, this is what happens when you care about an ex...

Like others have said, itís probably best if you donít do anything. Itís not your battle. She has to be the one to do something about it. The only smart things you could do is maybe bring it up and encourage the idea of reporting it. You shouldnít get involved more than that.

Yeah, I have definitely decided to stay out of this whole ordeal. I've brought up the idea of reporting it to her, but honestly, it would just waste resources. There isn't any sufficient evidence, so the accusation would remain an accusation no matter what.