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View Full Version : My stepdad wants me to make some big changes


MikeyUK
September 24th, 2017, 08:55 AM
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Living For Love
September 24th, 2017, 09:48 AM
I'm not sure about UK legislation, but in my country, it would be illegal to force someone to do most of those things (despite the fact you're underage). Why does your stepdad wants you to do those things?

Jinglebottom
September 24th, 2017, 10:30 AM
Don't do anything permanent to your body.

Just JT
September 24th, 2017, 12:20 PM
Tbh, I wouldn't agree to any of them even if you agree with or like all or none at all.

If for no other reason, sounds like he's trying to force you to do these things without any regard for you, your likes, preferences etc. and for the most part ore just freakin' crazy.

But also, how well you know this dude? He just married your mum after how long they know each other and wants these types of changes outa the gate?

Sounds rather predatory to me....just saying

And yeah, I agree, most of that shit would not only be illegal where I live, but also considered child abuse, invasion of privacy and neglect

I wouldn't even engage in the conversation on that topic with either one of them. Maybe talk to mum provably first

swimjoey1
September 24th, 2017, 12:44 PM
Yeah... wtf. They can't force you to do what you don't want. I think you should tell your school councillor.

MikeyUK
September 24th, 2017, 01:13 PM
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noah.whynot
September 24th, 2017, 01:40 PM
I could kind of understand the last name thing, although even that should be entirely up to you. My foster parents are going to adopt me and I'm pretty sure I'm going to change my last name to theirs, but that's totally my choice, not even something they've asked me to do. But most of the other stuff like getting piercings? Shaved head? That just sounds wrong to me, I can't imagine any parent "wanting" their kids to do that. It's like he's going to "remake" you in some image he has of what he wants you to be? I could understand if you wanted piercings and your parents allowed you do that. And circumcision? Really? It's fine if that's part of his cultural background, but I'm assuming it's not part of yours. It's your body so he shouldn't care or have a say in that at all. I'm not sure how most of these things are going to help you with being bullied ... just because you have piercings and wear white trainers isn't going to suddenly make you "tough". I seriously think the other guys at school that are the bullies are going to see this and think you're a poser and that's going to make things worse. Sorry, but that's just my opinion.

ska8er
September 24th, 2017, 02:22 PM
Why does white trainers-pierced tongue
and wearing a chain b so important?
I cant believe ur Mom would Ok this.

Just JT
September 24th, 2017, 08:42 PM
I don't really understand what you mean. It's not illegal or abusive for parents to make decisions for their kids, and I'm not being forced. But, as my mum and stepdad are in agreement about a number of things, I can't not do as they ask at least in some respects. That's why I'm asking about compromising.

My stepdad is a great guy and he has given me a lot of confidence and support when I've really needed it. I was badly bullied, so I've had to move schools, and part of his (and my mum's) idea is to try and help me fit in better, look a bit tougher, be the cool guy, and that sort of thing. Some of those things I listed are really not unusual at my new school. My parents have my best interests at heart, even if some things are a bit wacky and OTT.

A few other things are purely because of the change in our family. The name changes are because he's proud of me and would like me to have his name, and the circumcision thing is because he's from a bosnian muslim cultural background, even though he's not exactly religious. I must admit that's one thing I don't really want, but I understand where he is coming from. He's not trying to force me, he is just trying to do right by me as he see's it, but our opinions on that will always differ to some extent.


If you are in agreement with what they want then everything's cool right?
But seems like you don't want to do (at least some) things obviously.

But the reasoning is....sorry bro, there trying to maybe make you be who?
Are you the tough guy? The cool kid? Does it really matter if you are or aren't?
We don't choose those things tbh. They just are and that's that. Clothes an earring etc will only make you look like your trying to be those things.

Anyways, since you asked, I'll answer each one indivicually. But also keep in mind there gonna be some cultural differences obviously. Other posters here are also not from where you live to so...

Your words here:

He wants me to:

Change my middle name from Thomas to his first name (Hasan)

I still he adopting you? Do you want to change your name? Even if he wants to adopt you, at your age, you (should, and do in this country) have a say in that

Change my surname to his, which is also now my mumís surname

Same as above

Get my ears pierced

If you wana that's cool, and if he wants you to also, for whatever reason, that's cool. But sounds like he wants you to do that for the wrong reasons, and may be, maybe it's me, sounds like he's trying really hard to get you to do this.

Get my tongue or cartilage pierced

Same as above, and I'll add, that's called like bullying. You shouldn't be made to feel you needa do anything to your body cause someone else feels they want to. That's just wrong. And yeah, pretty sure if you don't want it, and they make the decision for you anyways, with these reasons, that would be called child abuse here. Just saying. But if you want to, then cool.

Get my head shaved (either #0 or razored)

Do you want to shave your head, again if you do cool, but if not then.....

Wear a chain

What's the big deal of a chain? If you wana cool, but why is it such a big deal to make you out to look like someone you aren't?

Wear white trainers to school (which is not allowed)

If not allowe in school, then wtf is up with that? Against school rules. But again, if you wana, that's your choice. And if in agreement, then what's the purpose of this thread tbh?

Get circumcised

This I can see why you don't want. But again, at your age, and him being a step dad, how is this even a conversation? It's his beliefs right? What about yours? Just cause he wants your dick cut don't mean it actually needs to be.

plus a few more things.

Anyways, good luck with this bro, let us know how you make out.
Alls I can say is just be yourself, and don't let someone else male you into someone you aren't. You'll be happier being yourself. You know you better. You won't know who someone else makes you very well at all.

Dalcourt
September 24th, 2017, 11:27 PM
I kinda feel you are contradicting yourself here...first you said you aren't sure/ don't feel comfortable with the changes ahead and when other users state they feel some of the things seem strange you suddenly defend your stepfather and the actions you first deemed to oppose.

No offence, but to me the when thing seems a bit off...I get the last name thing but only if he is adopting you but the middle name change of what use should that be?

You say you were bullied at your old school...what would forcing you to change looks at a new place would help you there. I mean if I went to school looking like a gangsta or gang member I'm not my life there would be even worse than if I'm just the ordinary boring guy. A parent should rather help a child how to gain self-confidence and stand up to being bullied than encourage then to dress up as someone they are not...
And why would he encourage you to wear white trainers if it's not allowed? Why would a responsible parent want you to do something against the rules and risking getting you in trouble? Rather odd form of parenting?

And what would be the use of getting circumcised? When there isn't a medical reason for it why would you have to do it? You said he is a Muslim but not overly religious so why would he want it then? Would he want you to convert to another religion?

To me it all sounds quite strange but after initially saying you are unsure you seem to warm up to most stuff in your second post defending it against other posters doubts...so guess since it is your life, it is your decisions nobody can really help you with.

Bluegrass
September 25th, 2017, 05:51 AM
Some of those are such drastic things I could not understand what father type of person wants stuff like that?Those are things that are quite extreme he needs you looking like that and making names for you?Don't do anything that makes you not feel good.

Dmaxd123
September 25th, 2017, 02:36 PM
only thing on the list i understand is him wanting you to take his last name

but at the age of 15 I would put that totally in your court

as far as trying to alter your appearance to fit in... seems a bit contradictory to being an individual, dressing "tougher" won't make you any tougher it won't change any social interactions, it is just a different outside appearance

jamie_n5
September 25th, 2017, 03:21 PM
He has no right to ask you to do any of these things. He is trying to invade your basic human rights. It is your body and life not his. I couldn't understand you doing any of these things. The only thing that is even close to being something that would even be sane is if he were to adopt you then the name change would be reasonable. The rest of the things are against your human rights and would be illegal also for him to demand you to do. Don't do any of these things unless you are positive you are completely sure it's alright in your mind. You do realize that he is trying to make a Muslim boy out of you don't you? Stand your ground and don't let him do any of these things if you don't feel completely right about them. If your father is alive and you are able to see him go for help from him. You could also go to the authorities for help and they would put a stop to this if you object. They may even place you with your dad if he is alive or put you in foster care to keep you away from him and his diabolical plans for you and your body. If it were me I would not let him do anything and do the things I have suggested you to do.

SethfromMI
September 25th, 2017, 08:32 PM
He has no right to ask you to do any of these things. He is trying to invade your basic human rights. It is your body and life not his. I couldn't understand you doing any of these things. The only thing that is even close to being something that would even be sane is if he were to adopt you then the name change would be reasonable. The rest of the things are against your human rights and would be illegal also for him to demand you to do. Don't do any of these things unless you are positive you are completely sure it's alright in your mind. You do realize that he is trying to make a Muslim boy out of you don't you? Stand your ground and don't let him do any of these things if you don't feel completely right about them. If your father is alive and you are able to see him go for help from him. You could also go to the authorities for help and they would put a stop to this if you object. They may even place you with your dad if he is alive or put you in foster care to keep you away from him and his diabolical plans for you and your body. If it were me I would not let him do anything and do the things I have suggested you to do.

I agree 100%. if he tries to force you to do something to your body you don't want, you must go to someone with authority.

kyle2003
September 25th, 2017, 09:06 PM
I don't know what laws are like in your country, but in the USA a step father has no rights, he would need to adopt you. Its also not customary for a step child to take on the name of a step father unless he has adopted you. I don't think it is right for him to ask any of this of you. It is all your choice. Is your biological father around? If so, you could ask hom for help.

--

I don't really understand what you mean. It's not illegal or abusive for parents to make decisions for their kids, and I'm not being forced. But, as my mum and stepdad are in agreement about a number of things, I can't not do as they ask at least in some respects. That's why I'm asking about compromising.

My stepdad is a great guy and he has given me a lot of confidence and support when I've really needed it. I was badly bullied, so I've had to move schools, and part of his (and my mum's) idea is to try and help me fit in better, look a bit tougher, be the cool guy, and that sort of thing. Some of those things I listed are really not unusual at my new school. My parents have my best interests at heart, even if some things are a bit wacky and OTT.

A few other things are purely because of the change in our family. The name changes are because he's proud of me and would like me to have his name, and the circumcision thing is because he's from a bosnian muslim cultural background, even though he's not exactly religious. I must admit that's one thing I don't really want, but I understand where he is coming from. He's not trying to force me, he is just trying to do right by me as he see's it, but our opinions on that will always differ to some extent.

I think you need to be honest and tell your mom what you like and don't like. At 15, you most certainly have the right to decide not to get circumcised and you most certainly have the right to keep your name. Of course, if you feel really close to your step dad and choose to honor him with the name change then go ahead.

posts merged. use the "edit" button next time. ~devotionnel

Vermilion
September 25th, 2017, 11:36 PM
I can understand changing your surname but that's it. You know how strict schools are on uniform in the uk well most are. Don't get your self into trouble at school. At my secondary school you couldn't have lower than a 2 in hair length. No jewellery at school apart from a watch. However I did wear a change in my last year and never got into trouble for it. White trainers is just asking for trouble. If like my school it has to be black shoes not trainer's. As for circumcision he shouldn't care about your dick.

Uniquemind
September 26th, 2017, 01:44 AM
None of that is reasonable until your 18+ and you make your own decisions, especially any modifications to the body, and especially circumcision.

Hermes
September 26th, 2017, 09:18 AM
Taken together, this set of changes is about him marking you as his. If I was on the receiving end of that, psychologically it would make me very uncomfortable partly because he is a step dad, not my real dad and partly because of it happening just at the time I would be expecting to be finding my own identity, separate from that of my parents. Also given that none of the physical changes align in any way with how I see manhood I would make it very plain to my mum that I object very strongly and that I am really disappointed she didn't ask me about any of them first. I would also make it plain that I would not co-operate with any of the physical changes. Here in the UK tattoo and piercing places should refuse to work on those under 18 and if I was ever dragged into one I would make it very plain to whoever was supposed to be carrying out the work that I didn't want it and if they made any attempt to carry it out I would be calling the police.

I also think you give you step dad too much credit with regard to the school bullying. To my mind the way to deal with those who tease and bully for not being part of their particular "in crowd" is not to conform to their ways but to tell them to fuck off and assemble such allies as you can to force them to leave you alone.

MikeyUK
September 27th, 2017, 10:22 AM
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Hermes
September 27th, 2017, 10:56 AM
These may have been presented as way to help you but I have trouble believing that is the only reason. Have you worked through each of the things and questioned what the benefit of each would be or whether any of them have a benefit when combined with others?

You mentioned bullying before and, through I stand by what I said previously, I can see how "looking like a hard man" would be something that at least appears to have some practical value and some of the measures presented to you could be intended to convey that image. I am thinking of the shaven head, the earring, tongue piercing and the chain. Even so, you need to be thinking not just about scaring away those you don't like but being welcomed by those who provide you with an education or a job.

For the others it is harder to see any benefit. Being circumcised doesn't make you look like a hard man to most of the people you meet. In fact most of the people you meet don't get to see your penis so why would it matter to them if it was cirumcised or not? It is not even as if it was fitting in with the majority because the majority of guys in the UK are uncut. The main non-medical reason to circumcise in the UK is to show membership of a particular religion. You say your step father isn't very devout, and he is not trying to make you muslim, but at the same time he is asking you to adopt a muslim tradition.

The same goes for the name changes. To be fair, I can see a change of surname makes the point to anyone outside that you are a family but the change of middle name cannot possibly be for that reason because most people don't use their middle names very much so it will be mostly a private thing within your family. Referring back to my previous post this is about your step dad asserting that you are his. Of course parents hope to bring up children so they continue not only their genes but also some of their culture and outlook on life because they believe these are something worthwhile but I personally think 15 is very late to be doing that. I think at 15 you should be deciding for youself which bits of culture to take on board and which bits not to.

If your step father were not a muslim I would be deeply suspicious of his apparent need for control. As it is, it may be explainable by islamic tradion being much more patriarchal than is typical in the UK. To balance that, though, he is the newcomer to the the family, why should he expect to arrive and take control rather than fit in?

If, though, despite what we have all said you feel compromise is the only way then look to your own future and avoid things that, should you regret them, would be hard or impossible to undo. So on that basis I would absolutely not get circumcised as this is irreversible. I would want to avoid getting my tongue pierced without doing a lot of research as I don't know how well it heals if you conclude it was a mistake. Earings are mostly uncontencious and obviously things like hairstyle (the shaven head) and atire (the chain and trainers) are easy enough to change. Names can also be changed as often as you care to go through the process. On the question of names you could suggest taking his first name as an additional middle name rather than a replacement. You can have as many names as you like - the royals usually have a long string of them.

benster
September 27th, 2017, 11:53 AM
I wouldn't change first name and till ur 18 ur not allowed in england anyway, surname I might if it was to same as mums. Circumsised never and piercing can't be anything to do with religion so only if I wanted to. And I wouldnt be allowed white trainers and that's not religion I dont think

PinkFloyd
September 27th, 2017, 01:52 PM
several piercings, permanently change your name, dress differently, and circumcision. Those are all pretty major; and that last one is VERY major. Listen, do what makes you happy. I get that family values are a thing, but with all due respect, FUCK that. You should only do what you are comfortable with.

lliam
September 27th, 2017, 07:41 PM
I’m not necessarily 100% opposed to all of those things,


But you totally should if you aren't totally into it.
For me, all on that list is inappropriate stuff.

I would kick my stepdad's ass, if he came up with
such a list - even if my mom would 100% agree
with this list. I don't know your or even your step-
dads ethnic background, but it seems, his list is
based on it.

Just JT
September 27th, 2017, 09:09 PM
Look, I get everything you're saying....I think....

But seriously ok....

Others here have said basically this...

These are huge changes....
If he wasnt Muslim I'd be hugly concerned....
It's your body....
He has no right....

My words, I said it earlier, to me, sounds predatory. Hope you know what that means

Even if you're ok with everything (which you're clearly not) still don't smell right.
I just don't get how a loving caring "step parent" would make such drastic recommendations.

Your dads passed, sorry, mine to. But your step dad knows that. And imo all this little bit of small changes adds up to a lotta shit. I call bull shit.

End result he getting his nose somewhere it don't belong. All up in your manhood. Think about it. It's all about change, and gaining support from your mom is only making it more valid to you.

I honestly (if this is all completly true) feel I'm having a hard time getting all this I'm sure others are to. But anyways..what I see is this, and I'll be blunt;

Your dad's dead
Mom remarrys
New dad wants you to change
Some small things at first, seemingly easy, no prob
They progressively become more personal and invasive
You become uncomfortable with some ideas
He gets moms support
You become more ok with some changes
But you still feel not ok with some....so choose the most drastic as seemingly the only one now to oppose?

Looking for support you seem to defend this thinking (thinking your also pretty clearly against but not willing to admit to it) you justify in some way as being ok cause of what ever reason.

Bro....sorry, if your ok with all this shit then cool. But I'm gonna tell you straight up from someone who understands some shit about older male sexual predators.

The sighs. Are there bro. And you're falling into his manipulations and so is your mom.

Back up, look in the mirror. What he wants you to be isn't you. He has other plans or motives bro, don't stand down for this shit

Just saying, not buying it....

MikeyUK
September 28th, 2017, 12:54 PM
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Just JT
September 29th, 2017, 08:10 PM
JT, my stepdad is not a sexual predator. That really is bang out of order. That's a very hurtful thing to say.

It's not about sex. It's about control bro....

Dalcourt
September 29th, 2017, 08:45 PM
As I said before...you seem to be fine so go ahead anyway.
Still strikes me as odd that you would need ya Dad to tell ya how to dress. I mean if you are part of a group you naturally assimilate to the looks of that group anyway...that's a natural thing to do and basically works in very group of friends I have ever seen.
So has this change be so forced? It would maybe have happened gradually sooner or later anyway if you'd really click with those new friends of yours.

So I'm really sorry but no remotely decent father I know would want his kids to transform into a thug, what you would be seen as where I live with the look you describe.

MikeyUK
October 2nd, 2017, 12:09 PM
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NewLeafsFan
October 5th, 2017, 01:18 AM
I've gone up and down this list several times and I can't find anything that is for the best. Why are you so sure that this is for the best? I know this is coming from a parent and step parent but you need to do some thinking for yourself now. I'm wondering if he wants you to change your religion or join a cult based on these requests.

SeansLittleBro
October 9th, 2017, 01:57 PM
The suggestion of circumcision wasn't to appear tough. That's purely because it's a family/cultural tradition in my stepdad's family. He's not trying to make me Muslim. I think in the USA, a lot of boys get circumcised because their dad is, and that's often the only reason.

As one of those circumcised boys in the US we were cut when we were babies. If I had been given the choice there is no way I would go through with a circumcision at 15 after lived my entire life natural. This,, and many of the things that you have presented are only to control you. Your mom is wrong to accept many of those without taking your concerns about them.

Dude you want advise and you have gotten some excellent advise. BE YOUR OWN PERSON. If you want to do them then do them, but don't let someone, especially at 15, tell you what to do with YOUR body. Tattoos are permanent, cutting your hair is not but it appears that it is a religious thing in this case. I'm not anti-muslim at all and whether or not this is the case, you must control what happens to you.