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Dalcourt
September 12th, 2017, 10:19 PM
I always had a very difficult relationship with my father.
He has been addicted to drugs as long as I can remember and in and out of jail or rehab. He has always been physically abusive hurting me in any possible way. In addition he is mentally abusive, constantly making me feeling guilty or making me do things I'd rather not do.

At the same time he can be the most funny and loving person you can imagine. I love this side of him and really love him and feel loved in return.


So now he comes back from another long time in jail and rehab. Usually I always was besides with joy when my Dad came back after being away.
This time however I'm not sure.

I have learned to be independent, live my own life...making plans for the future.
I'm afraid this will all go downhill once Dad is back now. I'm afraid our love hate relationship will start again...he depends on me a lot but makes me so depending on him, too. I am never able to make my own decisions with him around. That's what I have learned in his absence now.

I feel bad for not being happy...he seemed so happy about it when I last saw him. He said it will be different now since he has learned a lot. I would love to believe it but I know it's not true.

Just JT
September 13th, 2017, 05:54 AM
Maybe it will be different, maybe it won't. Nobody knows right?
Youndo know this, you love each other. So give it a chance. See where it goes, cautiously.
But be strong enough to stand up for yourself and assert your ability to be self reliant. Not cause you don't need him anymore, we all need our dad right? Maybe let him know you need him in different ways. Not in the way YOU perceive he'll see his place. But donthat nicely to. Don't hurt his feelings.

Scarface
September 13th, 2017, 08:03 AM
Hey there,

Seems like you're having a hard time deciding what's best for you. Though at the same time, reading through your post, you've kinda already made up your mind. You want to be happy and you've becom your own man. Being more independent.

Unfortunately I can speak from experience as I work in a corrections facility (for youth) that the 'rehabilitation' is not always as therapeutic or positively impactful. Unfortunately the recidivism rate Amongst adults is astonishly high. Most people go from being told what to do every second of the day all day everyday. Some times for years and years at a time to complete independence and some folks just can assimilate and transition back into society after basically relearning ways to survive. It's a viscious cycle.

Your father might mean well, but in the end you said it yourself you're independent and doing things on your own. Don't let what he says and does stop that. Make excuses to get out of hanging out with him. Do things that will improve your life even further. Whether that's being social or doing something extra curricular. Make sure you organize your schedule so that you avoid the 'dependence' that he has on you. It shouldn't work that way, that an adult has almost what sounds like 'reactive attachment' disorder. Love hate constantly, heavy dependence etc. if you'd like a more in depth explanation on the disorder feel free to message me. I'd like to stay on topic.

In my opinion it's perfectly okay to love your father. Though keep in mind that his behavior isn't acceptable by any means. Set goals for yourself and work towards them because waiting on people to change doesn't always happen and you don't want to waste this precious time on someone and a situation you have little control over. Take control over what you can; you, your life and your future. That's important. The rest can either fall in place and work with you or against you, either way, don't let it stop you or get in the way. If you need to have a chat you know where to find me. Take care

Ron

Dalcourt
September 14th, 2017, 01:27 AM
I'm sure giving the whole thing a chance. Guess he deserves it...but sometimes I just feel like I'm running out of being able to give people who hurt me another chance.

I feel like I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so happy he will be back. Being shoved around between my two grandmas and other family members without belonging somewhere wasn't fun. Visiting him has always been the highlight for me over the past months.

Still...I started to realise how afraid I am of him. I'm not fearing being hurt physically...that's something I hardly mind at all. But about him controlling me...sure I will try to concentrate on my school things and try not to be around too much...I always do that. But the older I get the more I understand that be manipulated me my whole life...and I'm afraid of falling back into that pattern. He always made me feel guilty and selfish when I didn't do what he wanted. I know that he will be able to do that again.
I guess I'm really stupid and pathetic.

Just JT
September 14th, 2017, 06:25 PM
Not stupid or pathetic at all. Reality is it's very real. And I think Scarface pegged it. To a degree, avoid him. It's ok and good to love him, but your not the same person you were when he went away.

Now your independent, and know more about what you want and like, as well as what you dont like. Which is him controlling you.

So it's gonna be hard, but set some limits early and outa the gate when he tries to control something. He'll start off with something small and seemingly insignificant, and he'll hope you'll cave. It'll make his next time easier, and would have already set the controlling theme over you.

Just be cool, chill, I'm
Sure he's a great guy and you want him in your life. And make time for him.
But also when you got shot going on like school work or whatever, just go and do tht and don't let him impact you negatively, if that happens

:hug:

jamie_n5
September 15th, 2017, 04:24 PM
I can very much understand your fears and feelings and also the mistrust. I sure hope that your dad is sincere this time about learning and that he chooses the right path. If you can find it in your heart to stand with him now and see how things go. If he works at staying sober and trying to put his life together be there for him. If he goes back to old habits then shun him and either way good or bad you still need to lead your own life and have your independence. I sure hope things work for both of you this time. God be with you.

Dalcourt
September 16th, 2017, 09:30 PM
I can very much understand your fears and feelings and also the mistrust. I sure hope that your dad is sincere this time about learning and that he chooses the right path. If you can find it in your heart to stand with him now and see how things go. If he works at staying sober and trying to put his life together be there for him. If he goes back to old habits then shun him and either way good or bad you still need to lead your own life and have your independence. I sure hope things work for both of you this time. God be with you.


Well I don't really have many options here anyway.
He is hard to read sometimes so I couldn't even tell if he is honestly right now...but I want to believe it.
I can just hope he waits at least a year before things go really downhill again cuz then I would at least be 18.

PlasmaHam
September 16th, 2017, 11:17 PM
Prayers to you, this is a tough situation. I can't speak from experience about this, but my gut instinct would say that while you should still love your dad, you should also be vigilant and firm with him. It is in both of y'all's best interests for you two to become not too dependent on each other. For you, that would threaten your growing independence, and for your father it would probably just result in him falling into the same ole pattern you described. Love your father, but set boundaries.

That is all I can really say. I hope your situation works out for the best.

Just JT
September 17th, 2017, 12:33 AM
Y'all's
Omg lol!!!

Dalcourt
September 17th, 2017, 01:09 AM
Y'all's
Omg lol!!!

What?