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devotionnel
August 27th, 2017, 03:15 PM
In 3 words: I'm too dependent. My moods are up and down like the flick of a light switch and if I've got no-one there immediately I freak out and mentally immobilise myself. If I am able to message people I always read too much into things and I assume everyone hates me and I'm just a burden on them for being awkward. It just gets to the point where one of my friends replied via Snap (photo messages) with a photo of her leg and it had a really nasty wound. It gave me urges to harm. She didn't realise at the time and I think I offended her pretty bad by asking if she could not doing that. She's just replying with one word half-assed messages now. I'm just getting in the way and she would be better off without me. Then she would feel happier and not annoyed. I'm sick of being a burden on my friends and they're sick of me saying that they would be better off without me. I say it but it means nothing to them it feels like. They just say "no" and expect it to change my whole life perspective. Maybe they just think I say it for attention and that I don't mean it when trust me I know for a fact that I do.

The last 3 days I've been way too nervous to even think about leaving the house but I have had to, but not by choice. I've had work and my family wanted to go out and took me with them. It triggered a panic attack every time I wasn't at home and I had to suppress them which makes everything feel worse. I've been shaking for a couple hours now and I've had to hide it. Everyone just feels ages away from me and I'm on my own in my little bubble and I hate it so much. I only like it when I can just lay in bed and cry on my own. The rest of the time I feel purposely isolated and that everyone's trying to keep their distance away from me on purpose but this is the last thing I need/want. It just makes me feel more worthless and want to harm more because it can stop my shaking and bad thoughts immediately. I want to be clean but I also don't want to.

I'm just writing this in a paranoia-fuelled panic attack actually making me feel like I'm not alone when I know I am. None of it probably actually makes any sense. I just feel like I'm going fully insane and my brain is frying out and I'm sick of the constant headaches and not sleeping and either starving or eating too much and just feeling like a lifeless ragdoll.

hjhj
August 27th, 2017, 08:47 PM
hey...


I know that me saying you should talk to a professional is a nearly robotic answer.
While you should speak with someone that's not all I have to say.

Some of my "friends" i believe used to hate me because I was like a burden or a weight on them. Now do I know if they thought that, I sadly don't but i feel as if I always was and possibly still am. My friends nowadays feel like people I can only be a burden on. Only one of them is a true friend I feel. (Hence why I joined VT)
But I do know the feeling of being a burden on everyone

Everything I do on VT is in a bubble such as yours and no one knows I freak out or do any of the things I talk about in posts.

Suppressing feelings is never a good thing to do. Though at the same time it isn't always good to show all your feelings in public and such but never suppress all of your feeling
Whenever you can, don't suppress your feelings but make sure you're not releasing them and kick starting an attack.




Try to find someone to talk to irl who can go deep and not just be a light-hearted friend who you feel like a burden upon but a person who can share their burdens with you and yours with them. It's not impossible if you think it is. it just takes time, a difficult stretch of time but one that yields something wonderful.

You're not alone. The users of VT are real people not just brainwashed folk


If you need anything I'm here.
The real people of VT are here as well. We're here for each other

Don't fret in making a post or sending messages to people on here when you feel you need it

I hope I'm not too forward, rude or anything here


Again, if you wanna talk you can hmu

devotionnel

jamie_n5
August 29th, 2017, 05:39 PM
I am sure that your friends do think that you are just saying that they would be better off without you for attention. That is the kind of natural reaction.
As far as your other feelings and problems. You first somehow need to love yourself and be happy with who you are. I think with how you are feeling and what you are describing about yourself and your life that you really need professional help to get you out of this and back on track. See your doctor and they can get you to the proper help that you need. You really have to do this soon because I think you are at the end of your rope and desperately need the help. Please go see them and get better. God bless you.

elmoc
August 30th, 2017, 07:14 AM
As several previous posts have mentioned, you seem to be in a crisis- I hope you can access a mental health professional that can offer some help. You are not worthless, & your insight shows that you have much to offer to this world.