View Full Version : What to do about my parents Marriage issues

July 25th, 2017, 12:56 PM
(Warning, extremely long) I'm a 14 year old female with two lovely parents, but I'm finding it hard to ignore constant bickering and lack of communication between them. My mother, while well meaning, has an extremely short fuse and is clearly unaware of how much it upsets me to hear her constantly unload her hatred of my father. When I attempt to explain my feelings she either ignores me or becomes angry. My father on the other hand is extremely depressed as a result of failed career prospects and the death of his sister 18 months ago. He openly expresses he thinks he is a failure and I fear talking to him about my feelings as I don't want to further upset him. The other day I decided to leave for school early with my 12 year old brother (only god knows how this is affecting him) after a fiery confrontation led to a lot of harsh language and screaming. During this neither parent seemed to acknowledge my presence. As a result of this I decided to approach my father about my feelings that evening. To summarise what was said, I told him that I wanted to make clear that my emotional state was affected by the arguing, that it wasn't just actual yelling but general lack of communication that harmed me, but also that I didn't want him to feel at fault. He took it rather well and reinforced I wasn't to blame for the arguing and that I shouldn't worry about being honest about my feeling, but tearfully revealed that he was beginning to wonder if separation was the answer. It was clear that he didn't know what was going to happen either, stating that he had considered family therapy, but was afraid to ask my mother. He also refused to back down on his stance that he had somehow failed me. So my question is, how can I proceed? I can't have the same conversation with my mother because of her short fuse, and I have no idea if they're even staying together or not. I don't know what I want or how much I should involve myself, so what would be the best course of action from here? Thank you for all responses, and once again, apologies for the long post.

July 25th, 2017, 04:25 PM
Before u and ur brother start getting a nervous
condition I would say to start talking to ur parents
and telling them what u r going through with their
arguing. Ur Dad seems to b in a depressed mood
right now and ur Mom probably is just as stressed
by her actions. U talked with ur Dad but I would
talk to ur Mom even tho she might go ballistic. U
should give it a try. If none of this helps then talk
to a close relative or school councilor and they might
know of some support group in ur area for u and ur
bro or parents for therapy.

July 25th, 2017, 10:49 PM
Tell them what comes to mind and be honest about how you are feeling

July 28th, 2017, 03:48 PM
I too think that you need to talk to both of your parents along with your brothers. It's a family issue and they, your parents, need to know how their actions are hurting and affecting you guys too. So I think it best to ask for a family discussion and sit down all together with your parents and discuss things. It most likely will turn out to be a healthy and good thing for the whole family.

August 1st, 2017, 01:07 AM
I'm going to be very blunt with you because you need advice. And sugar coating advice is a disservice.

You have become your parents marriage counsellor and that needs to come to an end NOW. I know that you didnt sign up for this position but it's where you are right now and if you want things to improve then you need to vacate this position.

You need to have a talk with both parents and let them know that if they want to bad mouth the other one to you that your ears are closed. When they try to anyway, and believe me they will, interupt them and remind them that you are no longer their venting source. If they keep going leave the room. Do it every time. After a few times it will stop.

October 5th, 2017, 06:08 AM
...You have become your parents marriage counsellor and that needs to come to an end NOW...

But I am not sure simply leaving that position vacant will be an improvement. Ideally you need to be replaced in that role with someone with the experience and training to do it, i.e. a professional or at least someone part of a recognised service.

With regard to the problems described it is not obvious which is the chicked and which the egg. For example, does your father's depression wind your mother up and that's why she flies off the handle? Or are their communication difficulties feeding his depression.

I think the best thing you can do is encourage both of them to seek some proper help.