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Aventzger
July 22nd, 2017, 03:43 PM
Being Asian, my parents are naturally strict and very conservative when it comes to issues like drinking, sex and sexual orientation.

I'm turning 19 next month and my parents never allowed me to drink or even stay over at a friend's place. They are also quiet on the topic of sex and sexual orientation.

I was caught watching porn and jerking off in my room by my dad and he had a negative reaction to it, telling me to "not waste my life".

From my dad's reaction, I think that he feels that it's not ok to watch porn and jerk off. In which I disagree, it's part of my way growing up and it upsets me that he not happy with my way of development.

As much as I know to be myself, there's a sense of guilt. (It might be an Asian thing of "dishonouring the family")

I haven't been given the Birds and Bees talk by them. The only way I learn about sex is through Sexual Education classes in school and on the internet.

I've been also mulling over my sexual orientation for the past 3 years. I've never been able to be frank with myself due to fears of my parents disowning me.

My mum is also against me having an interracial marriage. She has verbally threatened to disown me should I marry someone not of my race.

This are some of the problems I face as an Asian teen with a liberal mindset, growing up in a conservative family in a very conservative country and I was wondering if anyone is experiencing a similar situation and/or has any advice ?
Thank you!:D

Jinglebottom
July 22nd, 2017, 04:05 PM
I can relate to some of this.
I live in the Middle East. Lebanon, to be exact. While it's definitely not the most conservative country in the region, it's still pretty traditional compared to the West.
Never got the birds and bees talk by my parents, but tbh I think that's a relief because I can't imagine how awkward that would've been. Sex education at school was rather limited, they didn't teach us anything about protection and whatever, just reproduction itself so it was just like any other chapter in biology (and I go to one of the more "open-minded" private schools in the country).
Also, they want me to marry a woman who's of the same religion and nationality as me. I think it's hard enough that my religious group is rare as fuck, but they don't believe in me marrying a Muslim or a Christian. Well, jokes on them, I'm gay and dating a white guy lol. I wonder what they'd do if they found out...well, let's hope they don't :D (I got the same "I'd disown you if you married outside your nationality/religion talk, by the way).

Aventzger
July 22nd, 2017, 04:10 PM
I can relate to some of this.
I live in the Middle East. Lebanon, to be exact. While it's definitely not the most conservative country in the region, it's still pretty traditional compared to the West.
Never got the birds and bees talk by my parents, but tbh I think that's a relief because I can't imagine how awkward that would've been. Sex education at school was rather limited, they didn't teach us anything about protection and whatever, just reproduction itself so it was just like any other chapter in biology (and I go to one of the more "open-minded" private schools in the country).
Also, they want me to marry a woman who's of the same religion and nationality as me. I think it's hard enough that my religious group is rare as fuck, but they don't believe in me marrying a Muslim or a Christian. Well, jokes on them, I'm gay and dating a white guy lol. I wonder what they'd do if they found out...well, let's hope they don't :D (I got the same "I'd disown you if you married outside your nationality/religion talk, by the way).

Hey there, thanks for sharing! It's comforting to know there's someone out there that can relate to my situation. I'm really happy for you and your partner! Hope your relationship lasts long!:D

Jinglebottom
July 22nd, 2017, 04:15 PM
Hey there, thanks for sharing! It's comforting to know there's someone out there that can relate to my situation. I'm really happy for you and your partner! Hope your relationship lasts long!:D
My pleasure. :) And thank you! I'm sure it'll all work out for you in the end. ^^

jamie_n5
July 28th, 2017, 04:02 PM
My parents are very conservative too in many ways but also liberal in other things. I feel bad for you as there is no shame or should there be in masturbation. It is a normal and healthy thing. I had a real bad experience with my parents when I came out as gay. They completely flipped out and it came down to me almost killing myself but God actually saved me. I literally had a gun to my head and he spoke to my heart and said he loved me and needed me and had plans for my life. It saved me. As far as my parents they have accepted me for who I am now and things are better. I don't know much about Asian culture so I can't completely understand. I am sorry to ramble about my life but I just wanted you to know not to ever give up. You have to be yourself or you will never be happy. You can't live your life for your parents or anyone else either. You must make your own life and do what is best for you in that life. Sure you will make some mistakes. We all do. I just wish you well and hope that you can find peace and resolve with your family.

Aventzger
July 29th, 2017, 10:18 PM
My parents are very conservative too in many ways but also liberal in other things. I feel bad for you as there is no shame or should there be in masturbation. It is a normal and healthy thing. I had a real bad experience with my parents when I came out as gay. They completely flipped out and it came down to me almost killing myself but God actually saved me. I literally had a gun to my head and he spoke to my heart and said he loved me and needed me and had plans for my life. It saved me. As far as my parents they have accepted me for who I am now and things are better. I don't know much about Asian culture so I can't completely understand. I am sorry to ramble about my life but I just wanted you to know not to ever give up. You have to be yourself or you will never be happy. You can't live your life for your parents or anyone else either. You must make your own life and do what is best for you in that life. Sure you will make some mistakes. We all do. I just wish you well and hope that you can find peace and resolve with your family.

Thanks for your sharing and advice Jamie! I'm glad that things worked out for you even though they had a rough start. :D

NewLeafsFan
August 1st, 2017, 12:56 AM
A well known wise therapist here in North America says that the best way to make yourself feel better about your relationship with your parents is to be a better parent than they were.

I find it interesting that you mentioned that your parents would disown you in this post. Are you interested in someone out of your race right now?

As far as the possibility of being disowned by your parents at some point that you dont want people that are not accepting if you as a person in your life anyway. At 18, you wont be dependent on your parents for much longer.

And stop blaming yourself for bringing shame on your family. You shouldnt be sorry for being you.

Aventzger
August 5th, 2017, 04:03 AM
A well known wise therapist here in North America says that the best way to make yourself feel better about your relationship with your parents is to be a better parent than they were.

I find it interesting that you mentioned that your parents would disown you in this post. Are you interested in someone out of your race right now?

As far as the possibility of being disowned by your parents at some point that you dont want people that are not accepting if you as a person in your life anyway. At 18, you wont be dependent on your parents for much longer.

And stop blaming yourself for bringing shame on your family. You shouldnt be sorry for being you.

I'm single at the moment but I was once in a relationship with another race and it made me feel open to an inter-racial marriage. My mom wants me to marry to a girl of the same race as she finds that if I marry to a girl of another race, I would have to follow the religion of my future spouse. My immediate family is freethinker while my maternal grandparents are Catholic.

Thanks for your advice and I really agree with your first statement. I tell myself that when I'm a dad, I'll allow my children to be who they want to be and giving them all the support they need.:)

NewLeafsFan
August 7th, 2017, 12:01 AM
I'm single at the moment but I was once in a relationship with another race and it made me feel open to an inter-racial marriage. My mom wants me to marry to a girl of the same race as she finds that if I marry to a girl of another race, I would have to follow the religion of my future spouse. My immediate family is freethinker while my maternal grandparents are Catholic.

Thanks for your advice and I really agree with your first statement. I tell myself that when I'm a dad, I'll allow my children to be who they want to be and giving them all the support they need.:)

No problem dude. Anytime.

I'm confused by the dynamics in your family of religion. Are you saying that your family does not want you to take on any type of religion? At least here in North America, many people get married and have ceremonies that are not religious. Just remember that it will be YOUR decision.

Continuing with that statement about being a better parent than the parents you had. If at the end of your life you could make a decision about whether you would rather be a good parent of have good parents in a future life I am sure that most people would rather be a good parent.

Chaosphere
August 8th, 2017, 01:11 AM
Being Asian, my parents are naturally strict and very conservative when it comes to issues like drinking, sex and sexual orientation.

I'm turning 19 next month and my parents never allowed me to drink or even stay over at a friend's place. They are also quiet on the topic of sex and sexual orientation.

I was caught watching porn and jerking off in my room by my dad and he had a negative reaction to it, telling me to "not waste my life".

From my dad's reaction, I think that he feels that it's not ok to watch porn and jerk off. In which I disagree, it's part of my way growing up and it upsets me that he not happy with my way of development.

As much as I know to be myself, there's a sense of guilt. (It might be an Asian thing of "dishonouring the family")

I haven't been given the Birds and Bees talk by them. The only way I learn about sex is through Sexual Education classes in school and on the internet.

I've been also mulling over my sexual orientation for the past 3 years. I've never been able to be frank with myself due to fears of my parents disowning me.

My mum is also against me having an interracial marriage. She has verbally threatened to disown me should I marry someone not of my race.

This are some of the problems I face as an Asian teen with a liberal mindset, growing up in a conservative family in a very conservative country and I was wondering if anyone is experiencing a similar situation and/or has any advice ?
Thank you!:D
Bottom line, this isn't about you dishonoring your family. They're dishonoring you. There's a fine line between parental and superior wisdom and overbearing micromanagement. You're not doing anything that should be considered wrong or abnormal. You aren't wasting your life, and you're 19, and whether tradition holds sway here or not, you are your own person and a legal adult at that. Your decisions are your own. As for disowning you because of an interracial marriage, I don't have to even say anything about that. I'm no moral activist, but if your mother doesn't approve of a person who betters you and whom you better, regardless of their race, then she doesn't deserve to be around you. It's a toxic dynamic, which I'd take my leave from as diplomatically as possible, and let it fade into history as a mistake.

Aventzger
August 8th, 2017, 11:52 AM
No problem dude. Anytime.

I'm confused by the dynamics in your family of religion. Are you saying that your family does not want you to take on any type of religion? At least here in North America, many people get married and have ceremonies that are not religious. Just remember that it will be YOUR decision.

Continuing with that statement about being a better parent than the parents you had. If at the end of your life you could make a decision about whether you would rather be a good parent of have good parents in a future life I am sure that most people would rather be a good parent.

My Mom comes from a Catholic background but she doesn't practice Catholicism anymore while my dad is an agnostic. Therefore my family doesn't really practice any religion but let me attend church with some of my friends. However, if I ever decide to follow a religion, I suspect they are only comfortable with me being catholic or christian. Personally, i'm still open to different religions and don't plan on following any for now.

Bottom line, this isn't about you dishonoring your family. They're dishonoring you. There's a fine line between parental and superior wisdom and overbearing micromanagement. You're not doing anything that should be considered wrong or abnormal. You aren't wasting your life, and you're 19, and whether tradition holds sway here or not, you are your own person and a legal adult at that. Your decisions are your own. As for disowning you because of an interracial marriage, I don't have to even say anything about that. I'm no moral activist, but if your mother doesn't approve of a person who betters you and whom you better, regardless of their race, then she doesn't deserve to be around you. It's a toxic dynamic, which I'd take my leave from as diplomatically as possible, and let it fade into history as a mistake.

Thanks for your advice! I think it comes down to conservative Asian values. Which is a pain in the ass because i'm a millennial exposed to many liberal views on subjects such as sexuality. The odds of me having an interracial marriage are quite low but in any case, I'd probably have a good talk with my parents. Sometimes they need to see the other side of the fence to understand. Staying hopeful. :yeah::yeah:

Double posts merged, please edit or use multiquote next time. ~Endeavour

Chaosphere
August 10th, 2017, 03:57 AM
Thanks for your advice! I think it comes down to conservative Asian values. Which is a pain in the ass because i'm a millennial exposed to many liberal views on subjects such as sexuality. The odds of me having an interracial marriage are quite low but in any case, I'd probably have a good talk with my parents. Sometimes they need to see the other side of the fence to understand. Staying hopeful. :yeah::yeah:
Good for you. Just remember, sometimes you need to stick to your guns and cut ties with those that hold you back, whoever that may be. You don't seem to be, but either way, don't be afraid to be your own person. Sometimes you can't follow the paths other people before you have walked or the paths that those in the past would like you to walk. Sometimes we have to blaze our own trails.

Diana2002
August 18th, 2017, 10:12 AM
I also live in a conservative/traditional family and it's kinda of a mixed bag. While I did learn some values that I perceive to be good ones in the long term, the strictness made me and my brother to always try to bend the rules in a stupid way.

Sandra123
August 21st, 2017, 03:29 AM
Being Asian, my parents are naturally strict and very conservative when it comes to issues like drinking, sex and sexual orientation.

I'm turning 19 next month and my parents never allowed me to drink or even stay over at a friend's place. They are also quiet on the topic of sex and sexual orientation.

I was caught watching porn and jerking off in my room by my dad and he had a negative reaction to it, telling me to "not waste my life".

From my dad's reaction, I think that he feels that it's not ok to watch porn and jerk off. In which I disagree, it's part of my way growing up and it upsets me that he not happy with my way of development.

As much as I know to be myself, there's a sense of guilt. (It might be an Asian thing of "dishonouring the family")

I haven't been given the Birds and Bees talk by them. The only way I learn about sex is through Sexual Education classes in school and on the internet.

I've been also mulling over my sexual orientation for the past 3 years. I've never been able to be frank with myself due to fears of my parents disowning me.

My mum is also against me having an interracial marriage. She has verbally threatened to disown me should I marry someone not of my race.

This are some of the problems I face as an Asian teen with a liberal mindset, growing up in a conservative family in a very conservative country and I was wondering if anyone is experiencing a similar situation and/or has any advice ?
Thank you!:D

I absolutely agree with your parents! They are so right, just follow their advice!
But maybe that I have marked in red is only matter which is overmuch... but... they are parents listening them :yes:

kyle2003
September 25th, 2017, 09:16 PM
You must make your own life and do what is best for you in that life.

Very true :yes: :yes: