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DriveAlive
July 2nd, 2017, 02:30 PM
I am sorry for how long this post is going to be but this is something that I have been thinking about for a long time and I really need to just get everything out there so that I can try to find some solutions to this problem.

I started dating my girlfriend last year at the beginning of December. She expressed feelings for me in October but we did not start officially dating until December when we were both on winter break. This is the same girl that I had wanted to date during the summer but we were such good friends that I was afraid of ruining the friendship by asking her out. When we first started dating I was so excited and nervous. It was the first time in my life that I have ever felt that way about seeing another person. We talked all the time and we were always trying to find ways to visit with each other. She was extremely open to me and we shared everything and I felt really satisfied being in the relationship. When summer started, we were both really excited because it meant that we got to see each other all of the time and spend as much time together as possible. However, now that we are already a month into summer, we barely see each other. It seems like she is always finding a reason why she cannot see me. If she has work in the afternoon, she says that she is busy in the morning and after work. I have to literally force her sometimes to hang out and that is killing me. When I pull back and let her do what she wants, she ends up sitting at home alone and then texts me and tells me how sad and depressed she is and how she feels like we are distant and stuff like that and it drives me insane.

It is worth mentioning that she also had ADD, depression, and anxiety and these prevent her from doing a lot of stuff. While I really understand that she has a lot to deal with, I cannot help but feel like she is doing a lot of this to her self. She uses these illnesses as a crutch to allow her to feel a certain way. She almost has this romantic idea about mental illness and being helpless to it that I see far too often in people. She is on medication and it works and yet she acts like she has not control over it and that it explains all of her behavior. After she does something really annoying to me she will apologize profusely and be really hard on herself and it makes me feel bad for her but also mad because it is always the same thing.

Before you guys get the wrong idea about her, I need to say that she is not crazy or anything. I honestly feel like our problems are my fault. While we have a lot of common interests and share a lot and are great friends, I feel like there is not the strong romantic connection that I see my friends have in their relationships. I do not blame her for this because she truly loves me and appreciates me like no one else. However, I feel like there is something wrong with me because no matter how hard I try or how intimate we are, I am incapable of truly feeling connected to her. I do not know if I have a limited emotional range, though I do have diagnosed depression that my doctor said could cause me to not feel real emotional highs.

Since I feel like I am almost incapable of feeling the powerful emotions of love and connection that she feels for me and that I know I should be feeling, I have to lie to her about it. I always tell her that I love her and it kills me. I feel like some sort of sociopath manipulating her emotions because I know just what to say. I obviously do not believe I am a sociopath and I do not really manipulate her in a bad way or anything. I just feel like I am not honest about my emotions. But at the same time, I have never really felt that strongly about anyone so it is hard for me to say that I do not really love her because I do not know if I am feeling love and my preconceptions about how love or even intimacy are warped by how they are portrayed by the media and my friends. Maybe reality just does not live up to how I think things should be and that I just need to come to terms with this. She really does love me and I enjoy our intimacy but I feel like I am incapable of genuinely reciprocating this love to her and that is unfair. At the same time, she is sometimes so difficult and moody that is often feels like a chore to see her. I will plan a great date and we will be so excited and then when it comes time to actually go on the date, she will suddenly be busy or we will go and she will get anxious and a lot of times it ends bad with me being angry and disappointed but having to hide it and her on the verge of tears because she is so upset with herself for ruining things. We will have long talks about our relationship and how we feel about each other after we have one of these moments and we become closer than ever for a couple of days and things are great but then it always goes back to the same old pattern of this happening. What I feel worst about is how willing she is to have sex because she does love me. It seems like every time that we do actually see each other and things are going great I will want to have sex and she will agree and it is great. However, I always feel terrible later because the only times that we seem to both be having a great time and feel connected is when we have sex. I know that this is not how I should be expressing my emotions to her and there is something seriously wrong if a lot of our interactions feel like they are work to try to get to a situation where we can have sex.

This whole week has been so dysfunctional that it got me to write this. Earlier this week we went to a music festival but she had put off her homework assignment for a summer class and so she had to do that at the festival and clearly was not enjoying herself but was constantly getting distracted and not doing it. I am the type of person that needs to get their work done before I can do anything so this just drove me insane but I did not say anything negative and I was super supportive of her the whole time. We then planned to go out to dinner and see a movie Friday night. We were also planning on hanging out more casually on Saturday and then going antiquing today. We had a great time talking about all of this stuff we were going to do together and we both felt really excited and close to each other. But when Friday rolled around, she actually had work that she completely forgot about so we could not see each other. On Saturday, we were going to go see a movie but she was tired so she wanted me to watch a movie at her house. She was so happy to see me and we were having a great time and were very intimate. All of a sudden, she seemed to get rather upset with me and bored with the whole night. I felt terrible and so I decided to leave and I have been trying to talk about it with her and she of course said how it was all her fault for being so anxious and having all of these problems and how she was so sorry that she is incapable of being intimate. So today we were supposed to go antiquing in the afternoon but she has work again later so it was too late in the day anyway and we could not go and she has homework that she has put off all week to do tonight so we cannot see each other tonight either. It just seems to me like if she really wanted to see me and take this as seriously as I know she does then she would put in the effort to make it happen instead of just letting herself always get behind and make these situations this way.

I have been examining why I am in this relationship and I just do not know. I love the feeling of being intimate with another person and always being able to talk to them about anything. She is in love with me and it feels great to be desired and appreciated. She is so supportive of me and has been a better friend than anyone. I really hope that I have not been making her sound like some crazy terrible girlfriend because she is not. I am not sure if I should be dating her, though, if I cannot genuinely have the same feelings for her. I tell her that I love her and I do so much to show her how much I care for her and support her but it feels like I am pretending. I do not know if I just like the benefits of being in a relationship.

I am sure that our relationship is not nearly as bad as I am making it sound. I just worry so much about this stuff and I cannot bear to see it fall apart so I am trying to fix the problem now. I want this to work so bad and that is why I am trying to talk this all out with myself and ask you guys for some advice. I do not want to make an rash decisions and ruin this relationship. This year in college I was feeling so depressed that I nearly dropped out of the pre-med track. It was only after talking to a counselor that I realized how disastrous that would have been. I do not want to let that happen here. I am really sorry that I wrote so much but I just had to get it all out there. If you actually read through all of my whining I applaud you. I could just really use some help here.

Just JT
July 2nd, 2017, 03:30 PM
Dam that's a long post, but I did read it.

I'm thinking a few things. Yeah, her diagnoses donexplain her behavior, but do not excuse it. If your committed to her, you'll have to work with her on that. Seems like it's mostly a planning thing on her part, and setting priorities in order, and following through. If your going out one night, her school work should be done, and have the night off. That's planning.

I also wonder if maybe she need a med review. How long has that been. Our body changes, and sometimes needs little tweak on a dose or something.

Sounds like you do love each other, and tbh you write this post from the heart without sounding angry at her or hold any bad feelings about this with her. So I'd even show her what you wrote. She may be upset, but maybe upset for the right reasons.

DriveAlive
July 2nd, 2017, 06:49 PM
Dam that's a long post, but I did read it.

I'm thinking a few things. Yeah, her diagnoses donexplain her behavior, but do not excuse it. If your committed to her, you'll have to work with her on that. Seems like it's mostly a planning thing on her part, and setting priorities in order, and following through. If your going out one night, her school work should be done, and have the night off. That's planning.

I also wonder if maybe she need a med review. How long has that been. Our body changes, and sometimes needs little tweak on a dose or something.

Sounds like you do love each other, and tbh you write this post from the heart without sounding angry at her or hold any bad feelings about this with her. So I'd even show her what you wrote. She may be upset, but maybe upset for the right reasons.

Thanks for saying that. I am trying to get her to plan out days in advance when we will see each other and she is happy to do it. Now we have to see if she can actually follow through. I am not sure how I should react if she fails to get her work done and the plans fall through. I am normally very supportive and understanding but maybe being a little more visibly upset might help.

Just JT
July 2nd, 2017, 07:14 PM
Thanks for saying that. I am trying to get her to plan out days in advance when we will see each other and she is happy to do it. Now we have to see if she can actually follow through. I am not sure how I should react if she fails to get her work done and the plans fall through. I am normally very supportive and understanding but maybe being a little more visibly upset might help.

Maybe. Have you tried making out like a schedule she can put her work schedule in, and plan times for school work and you time. Maybe something you can both have and view on line somehow so you both can see it. Maybe if you put your stuff in it to, it won't seem like your trying to make her do shit she don't wana. It'll be the both of you together doing it

Then if she fucked up, she'll see for herself how important it is cause your both relying on it

Snowfox
July 3rd, 2017, 02:51 AM
DriveAlive that was really long post... Anyway while I am anything but experienced one thing came to my mind.
Why do you plan so much. Like why not just try to not to plan too much ahead when it comes to your time together. Like Best things just happen. Next time make Plan A and plan B and plan C dont stick to one plan. Or jsut go out with her hang around and do something.
That is patters I do with my gf. I have whole list of Plan Bs in my hat.

DriveAlive
July 3rd, 2017, 02:58 AM
DriveAlive that was really long post... Anyway while I am anything but experienced one thing came to my mind.
Why do you plan so much. Like why not just try to not to plan too much ahead when it comes to your time together. Like Best things just happen. Next time make Plan A and plan B and plan C dont stick to one plan. Or jsut go out with her hang around and do something.
That is patters I do with my gf. I have whole list of Plan Bs in my hat.

I like things really planned. One of the reasons why I plan things is so that she will have a good time and so things will go smoothly. The other reason is so that she has a definite day and time to keep things locked down and that we are supposed to hang out.

DriveAlive
July 4th, 2017, 12:28 AM
I know that if I really tell her how upset it makes me when she fails to get her shit together when we are supposed to hang out and giver her the cold shoulder for a day or two, it would crush her and probably have the desired effect. I just do not want to do this. It seems wrong to me.

DriveAlive
July 5th, 2017, 12:02 PM
We had a really good night last night and she is coming over today to swim and I am really excited about that, but I still am waiting for the overwhelming emotional connection and it is just not present.

DriveAlive
July 19th, 2017, 11:51 AM
So now she is fighting with her best friend and complaining to me about this best friend. She also told me that she is really unhappy and gave me the same old lines about how she hates "being this way" and all that and so I tried to be supportive and told her to get help and she refused. Maybe she really has problems with anxiety and depression but she is doing nothing to control them and they also only seem to be a problem when she does not want to do something. Like the fight with the friend stared because the friend wanted her to go to Dennys and she did not want to go so she said that her anxiety would not let her go. Sorry but that sounds like bullshit to me, especially because we have been to Dennys several times before. I am just so pissed off at her for all of this shit all of the time. It is a waste of my time when I spend hours planning something and clearing my schedule and then she backs out and claims it is anxiety and then wastes even more of my time apologizing and asking "why am I this way" and stuff like that only to do literally nothing about it and have it happen again the next day.

Dalcourt
July 19th, 2017, 09:12 PM
Is that the girl you thought you got pregnant? Anyway.

I am not sure but from what I see here is that if you two are honest you have nothing in common except the sex. I feel this is not enough for a real relationship.
You cannot really accept the way she acts due to her problems and try to change her or make her something she isn't. Imo your relationship doesn't really have a future.

DriveAlive
July 20th, 2017, 12:24 AM
This is the same girl.

We actually have a whole lot in common. We both have a love of movies and food and traveling and the city and all sorts of stuff. We are perfect for each other in a lot of respects. She just drives me crazy sometimes.