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View Full Version : My mother's depression and loneliness are ruining my life


Behemoth
May 22nd, 2017, 03:09 PM
My parents divorced 6 years ago and i moved abroad with my mother and little brother (8yrs). My mom was depressed and lonely during the divorce, cried all the time and stuff. I was 10 and very sensitive and it had an EXTREMELY bad impact on my mental health. She told me about her suicidal thoughts and fears and I became paranoid and obsessed about controlling her so she doesn't do anything stupid.

We moved abroad for a new beginning and stuff got a little better for her, and in consequence for me, although at the age of 13, I still didn't have much interest in friends cause keeping my mothers mood up was more important.

3 years ago she thought she had ALS (she's a doctor and specializes in this disease). So she talked about suicide again and I was back in the starting point.
She never got sick though. It was just her health anxiety.
It ruined 2 years of my life. .

Then things got better again and she got a boyfriend.
I made friends and built a social life for myself. I decided to take care of myself and I went abroad on exchange (France) which was my dream and it completely healed the past trauma. Ii haven't seen her for 9 months .
I spent the best year of my life and I only have 3 weeks left before going back home and I'm DREADING it.

She separated with her bf this weekend and is depressed and miserable and lonely, she's lost friends and therapy and pills aren't helping. I worry about my brother cause I don't want him to end up like me and I love her but I am not her shrink I'm her daughter and i feel that this is wrong. Everyone tells me I have to be there for her, but I can't and it's not my role.

If we went to live with dad it would ruin her, and I'd never take the guilt.

She's failing to get her shit together for now though

I don't know what to do...

ska8er
May 22nd, 2017, 08:52 PM
Why don't u c if there r any support groups
in ur area that u can talk things out with some
one who is educated in this area and may be able
to guide u in what u can do for ur Mom.

Chaosphere
May 23rd, 2017, 11:20 PM
...I spent the best year of my life and I only have 3 weeks left before going back home and I'm DREADING it.

She separated with her bf this weekend and is depressed and miserable and lonely, she's lost friends and therapy and pills aren't helping. I worry about my brother cause I don't want him to end up like me and I love her but I am not her shrink I'm her daughter and i feel that this is wrong. Everyone tells me I have to be there for her, but I can't and it's not my role.

If we went to live with dad it would ruin her, and I'd never take the guilt.

She's failing to get her shit together for now though

I don't know what to do...
I agree, it's not your role and you've already gone beyond the call of duty regarding your mother. To my eye, have two choices: either you can try to help her further and be potentially held back yourself, or you can move out to be with your father. You've said that you can't make either extreme work, so you have to find a happy medium. I think that you should find someone else to help your mother, a support group like @ska8ter said, would be the best option. A club, something where your mother could find people to lean on without causing harm to you. Honestly, I think she's overstepped her bounds and should never have put you into this position. However, life's dice have been rolled and here we are. If you can't cut ties with your mother, then continue to support her by finding her a support structure, instead of letting her drag you down. Hope that helps. Let us know how everything develops.

Behemoth
May 25th, 2017, 05:08 PM
I agree, it's not your role and you've already gone beyond the call of duty regarding your mother. To my eye, have two choices: either you can try to help her further and be potentially held back yourself, or you can move out to be with your father. You've said that you can't make either extreme work, so you have to find a happy medium. I think that you should find someone else to help your mother, a support group like @ska8ter said, would be the best option. A club, something where your mother could find people to lean on without causing harm to you. Honestly, I think she's overstepped her bounds and should never have put you into this position. However, life's dice have been rolled and here we are. If you can't cut ties with your mother, then continue to support her by finding her a support structure, instead of letting her drag you down. Hope that helps. Let us know how everything develops.

Thanks for your answer . Where I live clubs and support groups aren't really a thing, but it was still helpful to read this and see that I'm not the only person who thinks this is wrong. So thanks:)

Chaosphere
May 25th, 2017, 10:10 PM
Thanks for your answer . Where I live clubs and support groups aren't really a thing, but it was still helpful to read this and see that I'm not the only person who thinks this is wrong. So thanks:)
My pleasure. I still think that you should probably minimize contact with you mother if possible, to protect the stability of both you and your sibling, seeing as your mother doesn't sound to be in a state to take care of you. I do of course respect you and your perseverance and caring attitude toward her and her state of mind. Hope what I've said helps and don't hesitate to ask for more advice or just someone else to listen.