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Deleted User
May 21st, 2017, 08:47 PM
There are so many pills in my apartment. I have tylenol, lithium, lamotrigine, clonazepam, and a whole other list of cold and cough medicines. I stood at the counter with a mason jar of water when I was taking my meds for the night and just stared at the bottles. I could just picture myself reaching out and taking more of the lithium. Except I'm dissociating so badly I couldn't tell if I was doing it or if I was just standing there. Nothing feels real anymore. I'm going to lose my apartment. If I somehow don't, I won't be able to eat all summer. Nothing. At all. So even though I'm supposed to be saving money, I bought a scale. If I have to starve myself, I figured I should see some results. But even that doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I just keep seeing this version of myself taking the pills and saying goodbye to friends before I go to bed and fall asleep. I don't want to live anymore. I have a plan made. A date set. But I also don't know if I'll be able to go through with it then while I can now. I don't know what I should do.

Abyssal Echo
May 21st, 2017, 09:18 PM
Hopefully the date you set wasn't today and you haven't gone and done something stupid.
After attempting 5 times I'm prob not the right person to be preaching to you that suicide isn't the answer... it isn't.... it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm sure that you've got friends and family that would miss you if you decided to go thru with it... I'm a PM away if you need/want someone to talk to.

Amethyst Rose
May 21st, 2017, 09:38 PM
Whatever date you have set, erase it. Remove it - and any plans you had - from your mind. You're not going to go through with it ok? I know it's hard to think rationally when you're set on suicide, but that is only one solution, and a permanent one at that. Don't you want to see your situation improve? If your friends and family knew what you were planning, they would never allow it because they care about you. Please reconsider and, if you can, talk to a friend, family member or other person you trust; talking things through will calm you down and give you a new perspective.

Deleted User
May 22nd, 2017, 11:28 AM
Hopefully the date you set wasn't today and you haven't gone and done something stupid.
After attempting 5 times I'm prob not the right person to be preaching to you that suicide isn't the answer... it isn't.... it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm sure that you've got friends and family that would miss you if you decided to go thru with it... I'm a PM away if you need/want someone to talk to.

Whatever date you have set, erase it. Remove it - and any plans you had - from your mind. You're not going to go through with it ok? I know it's hard to think rationally when you're set on suicide, but that is only one solution, and a permanent one at that. Don't you want to see your situation improve? If your friends and family knew what you were planning, they would never allow it because they care about you. Please reconsider and, if you can, talk to a friend, family member or other person you trust; talking things through will calm you down and give you a new perspective.

I don't have family. Literally none. I don't have friends. So no one would miss me. The only "concern" anyone has shown was some asshole last night calling my estranged mother behind my back to make herself feel better. No one in that situation actually cared about me. My mother was too busy protecting that person's identity (I found out who it was anyway) and the other girl was literally just playing good samaritan before sending me a series of threatening messages.

No situation I've been in has ever gotten better. I don't want to see it improve. I want it to be over and done and I want to be dead. Everyone would actually be better off without me. And I'm not just saying that. I'm living off of government assistance, I can't work, I just annoy people. I am a literal waste of air. Oh, and I'm failing school.

I am going through with it. I'm keeping the date. I guess I just didn't go through it last night because I stopped dissociating when that asshole decided to go and phone my mother.

xXl0sth0peXx
May 22nd, 2017, 11:52 AM
I love you. Please don't do this to yourself. You're more worth it than you know. Nothing I say will make you see it, but please know that I'm here for you. No matter what, always.

Amethyst Rose
May 22nd, 2017, 05:51 PM
All of us here care about you. Words on a screen from a complete stranger may not seem like much... but I truly care about your well-being. Once you do this, it's final. Please don't act hastily, and know that you can always reach out to me if you need to. :)