View Full Version : Feeling at war with yourself - my bipolar diary

May 13th, 2017, 10:35 PM
Right now I'm going through another episode of deep depression.
The sun is shining, people are happy and laughing while I feel like spending my days in bed in a dark room crying all the time.
I lack motivation for even the smallest things.

I should be happy since in less than three weeks I should be able to go back home, something I wished for since I came here. Still all I feel is sadness and resignation.
Depression is there for a few weeks now, so it should vanish soon.
Other sign I got really irritated over almost nothing today...so seems like mania will arrive soon. Scary thing: the being irritated.I hate getting mad since I get unreasonably mad,aggressive. I also hurt myself to calm my anger today. Again.This spiral needs to stop somehow.

May 16th, 2017, 02:27 PM
I don't have the same dark feelings I had a couple of days ago. But instead of the hoped for good feelings my sadness is replaced by being irritated at the slightest things.

I feel like everyone in this world made it their goal to annoy me.To be honest I hate being around people at the moment. I want to be somewhere far away where nobody else is around. I don't want to be mean or hurt people's feelings so I try not to talk too much to anyone.

May 19th, 2017, 09:37 PM
My sleeping is totally messed up. For days I have only slept maybe two hours a day. It's bad. I'm not tired but it's unhealthy for my body if it doesn't get better.
I'm just in my bed listening to music the whole night. My guardians mustn't know about it. They just worry. My thoughts are just running and I can't think anything through. It's all mixed up. I really want this to stop.

May 23rd, 2017, 08:57 PM
I still don't feel any better. Messed up sleep and my thoughts are racing. I can't concentrate on anything no matter how hard I try to stay focused. Had a phone call from a friend today and he had to tell me at least twice to listen since he noticed how my thoughts drifted away and I couldn't listen to him anymore. Really embarrassing and awful.

I'm always bad at decision making but I feel like this time trying to make a real important decisions has messed up my mind completely.

May 28th, 2017, 09:38 PM
I know I should feel good since I can go back to my home. I wanted it and of course still want it. Why I am so anxious about it then. I feel sad and afraid nearly panicking.

I talked to my guardian she isn't happy to let me go. She wants me save.She is worried about high crime rates where I live. Never really worried about that one but I understand her.

We have booked the flight. There's no turning back now anyway. I just want to be more happy about it.

May 30th, 2017, 09:37 PM
I'm really kinda panicking today. Dunno why I just feel like something really bad will happen and I can't do nothing.

I hope my decisions were right and I haven't destroyed everything with them. No I don't hope. I know. Sure it wasn't bad the other way but it wasn't good either.
I made some interesting experiences, saw things I never thought I'd see. But as a whole everything felt wrong. I wasn't allowed to be me anymore. Deep down I felt bad every single day. I can't even explain those feelings to myself so I understand when the others say my decision was utterly stupid.

This is the reason I can't be happy about it now. I now it's right but I can't explain why.So there is these dark shadows lingering over everything . I'm not sure if it will be okay again one day, maybe it's already too late.
If I made a mistake then it's like that now there is no other way.

June 12th, 2017, 05:46 AM
The fine line between mania and happiness.
I have been in a dark place of self doubt and depression for a long time. But finally there is the sun again.
It all started out with this after church discussion. It gave me a lot of confidence and showed me who I am and that I really want the right thing.
Hyped like that I had my happy fuzzy feeling all day.
As I said elsewhere I did some quite irresponsible shopping and alarming signal of feeling high and mania settling in. I also did some thinking and found I had to ban some really unhealthy factors from my life. I tried to feel my way through this...is it just a whim during mania? Would I regret it later? I was really frightened to wake up this morning and realise I made a huge mistake.

So not really sleeping much and not feeling the need to another bad sign.
Finally slept and waking up I felt great.

I was right. I feel good. I feel free.
A person I truly love told me: you know who you are and I know who you really are...so just fuck the rest.
I don't need to try to be someone else to be like. I don't need to lie and swallow other people's shit just to be liked.

So for once after a long time I feel genuinely happy. I'm relieved of a burden I know where I stand and where I wanna go. Everything feels right. I'm doing good.
At last.

June 13th, 2017, 06:31 AM
Still feeling like I need no sleep but apart from that I'm doing really good.

Was a good day celebrated my Grandma's birthday in her own very unique way.
I get along so much better with her now.Seems we finally found each other as a family.
Doctors appointment today...check up on my lungs, Gran insisted but I feel healthy so it's just a waste of money imo.

I had some pretty triggering stuff going on but I didn't crumble. I'm doing good.

Dad's good too so what more could I wish for atm.

June 19th, 2017, 05:48 AM
I feel optimistic I can't say anything else.
I don't have therapy I'm not on meds but I function like a normal human being.
Sure things aren't always smooth...but there was a thing ahead I really didn't wanna do and hey I was lucky. The whole issue solved itself. Usually I overthink things I dread to do but this time I hardly thought about it at all. I just felt like once the day is there I'll find a solution. And then the whole thing was cancelled.
Of course not forever but still I was lucky and didn't ruin my mood with thinking too much.
I told myself to stay optimistic and it worked.
I haven't felt this positive in years.

June 21st, 2017, 10:54 PM
I had an ugly fight with a very good friend yesterday.
It upset me a lot...nearly threw me back into self-harming. Luckily I didn't give in.

Fighting with someone you thought you like and you thought likes you is a strange thing. It makes you realise a lot about yourself.
Why did I get mad? He dumps all his problems on me, expectsome solutions from me and sympathy...do I give it? Sure with everything I can.
Do I get a thank you? Is he there for me when I need something? No...
So after a couple of frantic texts and calls I couldn't help but tell him being friends is not just about taking but also about giving.

He got real mad ... like real mean mad, so I just stopped talking to him. I just didn't feel like getting into useless arguments. This just eats up all my energy.

Getting away from toxic people. My therapist at the hospital told me this is very important.
I just have a tendency to let others use me she told me. I don't know guess it's true. If I once started liking someone I stick to them even if they treat me like crap. She explained how bad this is for me...how I don't have a high opinion of myself...stuff like that.
Well guess that's the story of my life.
So I was told if a relationship gets toxic I should stand up for myself and tell the other that I can't go on like that.

So I kinda did to my friend. He got nasty since he is used to my just running at his command. I didn't feel like discussing anymore. So I stayed home and didn't answer or even look at my phone.

Today I got a lengthy text message as apology. He promised he'd do better.
Do I believe him? Not really...do I get back with him? Sure...old habits die hard.

June 25th, 2017, 08:24 PM
I don't know how I should talk about how I feel without accidently triggering others who might read this by chance.

I have not self harmed in over a week or so.
I felt at peace even though a couple of stressful things happened so there was no need to control feelingso that threatened to overwhelm me.

Last night I had my ex? boyfriend over.
We used to argue a lot in the past since he isn't actually a nice person but I felt like I needed him. I didn't have sex in quite some time so I kinda manipulated him into it.
I know it was wrong to do this but I don't feel like it was wrong. Usually I would feel bad but I'm just confused why I don't feel bad at all.
Being with him actually felt better than I felt in ages. I don't understand.

He feels we are back together now. I have no real feelings for him anymore I just felt good with him last night but apart from that I'm not sure at all.

I was thinking about him the whole day and I'm just more and more confused.

When I waited for my grandma after church I just sat there opening a wound on my arm where I had accidently cut myself a few days ago. It didn't hurt much but was taking my mind off. But I know it's the wrong thing to do.

I'm not sure how I should go on. I can't do these things to get a clear mind. I can't restart this relationship but I also can't tell him...and a part of me doesn't want him to go away.

July 2nd, 2017, 01:04 AM
I'm not around much at the moment. Life is pretty busy. Usually I hate stress it makes me aggressive but at the moment I'm calm and happy.

One of my cats is ill...I'm sure he has to go soon. I thought I would lose him last Friday as he was in a real bad state. But we took him to the vet and he seems better again. Sure it won't last and I have to prepare myself to let him go but I don't wanna think about it. I know deep down I have accepted it and he, too, so we just see every day as a gift now.
I want to keep this positive for his sake and my other cat guy's sake. So even if it's sad and I feel like crying I am not depressed but happy and grateful for our time together.

July 8th, 2017, 11:49 PM
These days is a horrible anniversary. My life has gone downward a great deal since these events.
But now? Things seem to look up. I find it scary how calm and positive I am.

I was down for so long I felt like not even remember how to be happy.

I hope it's not just my illness playing tricks on me but the good feeling seems genuine.

I have learnt so many things about myself and I have learnt so much about others.

Sometimes forgiveness really works as sometimes people who do bad things are really just victims themselves.

Sometimes people need to face a catastrophy to wake up and take their lives in their own hands.

Sometimes you are surprised by how loyal and genuine people can be. People are true to you and real friends in need.

And sometimes you sadly have to learn how false and selfish people are. So called friends that come and dump their shit on you and just want you to tell them they are always right and the greatest but then you give them honest words God forbid. They will show their true face one way or other.

I might have seemed mean to people close to me this last month since I sorta got rid off so many people in real life and online. But it just isn't healthy for me...I'm my own person and can't just say yes to whatever bullshit.
I have wasted already too much of my life trying to make others to like me but this has to stop now whoever doesn't like me okay I won't change myself and my opinions and principles to be more likeable.

As a whole I have grown so much over this year...mentally, physically I'm afraid I'll never grow...lmao...

But in all honesty I would have never made it alone. I had my grandma, my best real life friend and my best online friend.
Without those people I would not have survived that year.

July 11th, 2017, 09:33 PM
For some time now I have been questioning online friendships.

I mean I have my one best online friend I know I can tell everthing and vice versa. Sure we not always agree 100% on everything but accepting other opinions and views is part of being good friends.

Some time ago I was hugely disappointed by some other people I thought I could be friends with. Not even remotely trying to understand why I could have a different opinion on things, well it saddened me but that's how it is. I just see it now as another lesson learned.

And today I was getting surprised receiving a message out of the blue. It was so nice and honest it really made my day. And it showed me that there are still some genuine people left here on this forums. People who are not just trolls, fakes or attention seekers.

It may sound totally silly but it made me insanely happy.

July 13th, 2017, 10:56 AM
I'm having a crush. I don't want to have feelings. Friends yeah but I can't deal with more. Feelings are bad at the moment.

July 16th, 2017, 10:47 PM
I am doing good and I'm functioning.
Like whatever I have to do I get done. I do my job and I spend time with friends and family. Like everything is fine. As a whole I feel good. I don't have any problems.

But I always have this dull pain deep inside me. Not a real physical pain. It's and unsettling feeling that pulls from the inside.
Whenever I am alone and have time to think it increases till it seems to be unbearable.
So I fill every minute of my life with something...no matter what just to be busy. Whenever I am alone I read listen to music etc. I try to be with other people even though I'd rather be alone.
I don't wanna have this feeling. It kinda makes me paranoid.

I am so feel like I can't concentrate. I get my stuff done so nobody would suspect a thing but the way I do completely without any structure. Everything is just chaotic...I stand within a complete mess doing 5 seconds of this and 5 seconds of hat task. Luckily it always works out in the end but for how long?

I feel like I can't listen to people. I just zone out not hearing what they say at all. I greatly annoy my grandma and friends with it. But I just can't help it.

Gran says it's all just as I am worried about my cat who is terminally ill.

So this stresses me out. Stress is an enormous trigger for me. So that's basically it....my whole life is in turmoil just because of it. That's what I hate so much about my bipolar.

I really work hard to stay "normal" on the outside but to think that this will be very change...from the rest of my life. It sometimes scares me a lot.

July 24th, 2017, 12:26 PM
I have a lot on my mind. I need to make decisions but I'm dreading it. Decision making is just not in my nature. I really hate it.

I just keep myself busy with different things as I don't wanna think about the important stuff but I know that it is all inevitable.

July 28th, 2017, 03:21 PM
I have hardly slept this week and I am hardly eating garbage anything.
I'm always occupied and still full of energy. Everyone at my work is surprised by this...well me not so much.
Last night I got pretty drunk. Since I didn't have alcohol for ages and didn't eat the whole day it wasn't that much I had really. But there's no hangover or anything should be happy I guess.

But honestly it's not really a reason to be...it can end up real dangerous. So let's hope for the best.

Ah well, break is over and it's back to work.

July 30th, 2017, 11:18 PM
So yeah I never had any great decision making skills on certain matters. Moreover it's just not use to tell your decision to certain people as they don't listen to you anyway.
My status is now person A is still officially my boyfriend and that mainly because he thinks he is.
I let my crush sleep at my place on Saturday not only at my place but in my bed. No great decision at all since it could cause trouble.
But honestly I don't even care at the moment.

My focus is on my job and not my love life to be honest. I wanna pursue my career and the other is just fun but nothing serious at all.

My problem usually is having to much feelings...to be too passionateand therefore never I never get somewhere cuz usually I just get overwhelmed after a while.

Strangely at the moment I could care less about those things that usually would really get to me.
So neither jealous boyfriends, nor cute crushes, nor pathetic forumers with no life, nor my family who always wants to tell me what to do and how to do it overwhelm me or get me off my track.
I'm really glad and hope it stays like that.

August 6th, 2017, 09:57 PM
Been away for a couple of days. It was insightful. The place was beautiful.
I was glad to get away from everyone and everything from a while.People are exhausting.They usually want uou to do something or want to talk about something.

Especially the talking part is so hard sometimes. I just don't feel like it and also don't feel like writing are message or email.

I don't do much talking so being away with Mr.KKK was great as he isn't into talking either and didn't force me to talk.
I really needed to write to a friend did but I can't.
It's so hard to describe. I am not depressed or anything just don't wanna talk. Usually I have to talk so much all day but at times I feel I just can't.

August 7th, 2017, 10:31 AM
I feel bad because I don't feel.
I'm sitting here at the hospital being indifferent while half of my family is freaking out.

My Dad's stepbrother is here in ICU after a freak accident. His chest is smashed and his broken ribs have perforated his insides. He will have another surgery today. Nobody can say if he survives or not.
And I feel bad for not being shocked and freaked out. I hardly know him...he's accident stranger to me...so I can't really feel a thing.

Still I think I should feel something, shouldn't I?

August 8th, 2017, 10:06 AM
I'm devastated. I'm lost.
I feel so helpless. There's nothing left.

Why can't I just wake up and this was all just a huge horrible nightmare....

August 9th, 2017, 10:52 PM
One of my rocks is taken from me. I never thought I'd feel like that.
The emptiness is unbelievable no words could ever be enough no tears ever be enough.

I hate getting attached to anyone or anything.

My condition makes my feelings too strong be it in a positive or negative way.
So whatever happens with someone I let into my heart hits me harder than I could ever explain to anyone.

As much as I love to have my feelings as much I hate it in bad times like these.

I'm scared now...I don't know how to handle it, how to go in.
The more positive anchors in my life I lose the harder it will be.

August 10th, 2017, 11:29 PM
I have been listening to the same song for hours straight for two days now.
Now I turned it off to be in complete quiet.

My whole body is shaking. The first day the shaking was visible outward...now it's only me who feels my whole body shaking but kthers won't see it.

I was told how great I'm doing how I'm holding up.
It's just my poker face for the world. I can't let others know how I have broken down over this.

I am sad and lost but moreover I am scared. Scared that this is the beginning of the end. I have been in so many bad situationso in my life and always got out somehow. Life was always going on somehow. I was always lucky. I always knew that no matter how bad it looked there is light after the darkness.

But I feel like my string of good luck has been ripped in two now. I feel like I won't find a solution how to work myself out of the bad things now.

I so desperately want to tell this to someone. I so want someone to reassure me that everything will be fine.
But I know I can't talk to someone about it. I can't tell anyone that I feel like I lost control like that ... it will just scare them. Everyone relies on me and my strength to go on. I always make them go on how can I tell them I'm afraid now?

I don't feel like doing something stupid. I'm not mania high crazy hopeless trying to hurt or kill myself. This is usually just my illness and not really me a day deep deep down I always know that I just do it cuz I'm high on feelings.

It's scary now as it's my real quiet feelings. It's a hopelessness consuming me...no mania no depression.
Seems like my luck has run out and the real me for the first time in my life being really scared and without hope.

August 12th, 2017, 11:37 PM
I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with terror and panic.
It takes me quite a while to calm down the shaking and immediate signs of fear. My whole body seems in high alert when I wake up. There's no nightmare I remember that wakes me nothing that would justify that immense horror.
After a while I calm down and sadness replaces the fear but I can't go back to sleep anymore.

Writing those things down here is of immense help. I don't wanna bother my family since they have to worry enough about my uncle who still hasn't woken up from the coma.I don't wanna say something to them but I feel he will never wake up again.

August 15th, 2017, 10:20 PM
Sadness is still eclipsing everything else in my life.
Panic attacks wake me in the middle of the night. And then I can't go back to sleep and just stay awake crying most of the time.

I am not interested in anything, I can't pay attention to anything or anyone. Every conversation I have gets boring and meaningless after two sentences. I find most things and people annoying but can't be bothered to argue - I just walk away - . I usually never do that as T remarked yesterday.

I just feel surrounded by death and illness and all those horrible things I just don't have the energy to care about other people's dumbness. Why should I?

I somehow have to function at least on the outside. This would be easier if I could just sleep for a couple of hours for once.

September 2nd, 2017, 09:47 PM
I have been really tired those past days and was too lazy to write anything here.
I buried myself in work so I don't get a chance to think about anything. School and especially my voluntary Red Cross work kept me so busy I wasn't really able to think whether I am happy or sad.
Downside is I was really neglecting my friends since I am either busy or tired or both.
So I try to find a balance.

My current boyfriend is absolutely gorgeous...he is far more understanding than I could ever imagine. He is the first person I have a sexual relationship with who actually tries to understand my feelings and personality.
I feel bad when I don't have time for him...I am a afraid he will think I am not really interested anymore.

So to have a free weekend were it is mainly the two of us is really great for our relationship.

September 9th, 2017, 06:56 PM
It's about a month now that I lost an incredible person and one of my beloved pets at the same time. I was overwhelmed, paralysed by my feelings of sadness. I couldn't stand anyone near me, I hated having feelings.

Now? I feel like I slowly adapt. It still hurts and sometimes random memories bring tears to my eyes.
I sometimes think I never want to have feelings for any person or animal...if I don't get attached it won't hurt when they are gone.

I told my boyfriend I don't wanna be with him for this reason. He refused to be gone from my life telling me nothing bad would happen and it's just in my mind.
I know it's just all in my head ... crazy thoughts about him getting killed...whenever we are supposed to meet and he shows up late horror scenarios of what might have happened to him form in my head. I can't help it that's how my mind works.

I'm panicking at the thought someone I care for getting sick or hurt in any way and I am not able to help them. Strangely enough I never really care about my own well being.

Behind all this might be an egotistic feeling of not being left behind alone.
I don't want people to be to close but at the same time I don't wanna be alone either.

I would die for someone I love just for the sake of not having to live without them and being alone.
I guess I am horrible when it comes to love and relationships.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal lasting get relationship with someone. No person sharing my mental problems I know ever had a real lasting relationship with a "normal" person.

September 11th, 2017, 10:54 PM
I'm feeling positive and at the same time I'm feeling bad. It's like I can't decide.

I know I should be happy but I just live in fear everyday of some heavy blow to come.
I try to relax but panic is always scratching and nibbling on my darker corners. I just don't know what is wrong...I so wish for some stability, some peace of mind...but it just doesn't happen for me.

Every new day seems such a challenge...I don't know why...I can't figure it out.
I just want to save this tiny piece of normal I have now for a while longer but every phone call, every ring of the door bell.... I don't know how to describe it...but it's a constant fear of my life as it is now being ripped away from me at any second.

This fear is poisoning all my thoughts, keeps me from relaxing and enjoying what I have at the moment.

September 14th, 2017, 01:15 AM
I'm feeling anxious...I can't sleep and I'm skittish as hell.
I really don't know why I am so nervous. I really really should be happy.

My boyfriend stayed with me so I don't have to be alone. Guess he's worried about my strange behaviour.
I haven't talked to him about how I feel about Dad and stuff. He doesn't know him and so I felt like he should not have to get involved - atleast not yet.

I feel sorry for having lied to him telling him I'm nervous because of some school stuff.

I just pray to God grandma will be here on time to pick Dad up cuz if her husband does it....the first drama and argument is inevitable.

September 26th, 2017, 02:04 PM
I have been quite busy for a while and I still am so I hardly have time to think about anything, let alone write some of my thoughts down.

School and two jobs really don't give me much freedom at the moment. I have hardly any social life and my boyfriend always complains about my being constantly tired.

I will have to give up one of my jobs in the long run. But this is where decision. making starts and that's something I hate and that always gives me anxiety.
I have to make a decision out of a sudden impulse and not by thinking about it I quiet...this never really works out for me.

I really would love this nice and relaxed feelings from last night would last a bit longer but all the stress and negative feelings creep up again.

September 29th, 2017, 12:12 PM
I'm so mad and stressed that I have started self-harming a great deal again. I hate myself for it but I can't find another way of dealing with things atm.
Well...killing a certain someone would be a way but that's out of the question I'm afraid.

I mean I come home and just want some peace of mind but it's the same fuckin thugs hangin around again with him...so much for I promise I do better.
Gran is pissed as hell, too but of course she doesn't say a thing just naggin. Wtf am I supposed to do? She's the Mom...but she doesn't wanna argue. So she just waits for me to open my mouth about it...I don't feel like getting in your an argument that 100% will turn violent.
I'm sick and tired....so I dun care anymore.
I'm done.

September 29th, 2017, 09:06 PM
So my breaking point in this matter was reached long ago.
I dunno. I'm just done with the whole shit.

I met Dad's "friend" at the grocery store and he had started arguing with me...I mean wtf?
The shop owner even called the cops as he saw him in the parking lot with me and felt this guy was harassing me. I should have made them arrest him...but no I'm such an idiot.
I just want those people to leave me alone.

My boyfriend took me home with him...I don't wanna be there and drag him into it and make it his problem. I can't self harm with him around...I'm getting more and more aggressive and really feel like smashing something.

I hate being like that...I'm hate violence and it absolutely disgusts me to have violent thoughts. I have to calm before it gets nasty...and I should leave but my boyfriend wants me to stay the night.
He's killing me with kindness...I'm just wanna be alone...

October 2nd, 2017, 11:01 PM
After my last relapse I'm now self-harming again on a regular basis.
Not really dangerous stuff but still enough to draw others attention, too.

Course Dad is using it against me now...and he is totally right. I mean how can I complain about his smoking weed while I am addicted to burn myself.

I am not really depressed but not feeling particularly high either. It's one of those horrible in between things. I am angry and aggressive but also have this fits of melancholy and crying. Honestly I am not sure where I am heading too right now.

October 19th, 2017, 08:19 AM
I'm constantly feeling tired and stressed out. I really needed some sort of break, just to get a clear head. I feel on edge all the time and I'm hardly able to control my feelings.

I get mad for no particular reasons, I nearly start to cry for no particular reasons...I can't sleep for more than 4 hours a day.

October 24th, 2017, 07:45 PM
I have this sleeping problems now for quite a while. I hoped it would get better but unfortunately not.
In addition I now half my body hurts terrible and it gets worse everyday.I have this awful pain in my neck, shoulder and arm while all my fingers go numb. I have to be so careful when I hold something in my hand. It's like I have no strength in my hand at all. At the same time the pain drives me crazy. I get even less sleep because of this pain.

I know it is all still from my car accident. My body was fucked up in it way more than I wanted to admit. The doc told me it could result in lifelong chronic pain but since I feel fine for a couple of weeks in between I usually do1 give the whole thing that much attention.

But at the moment both my mental and my physical state are really bad.

I can't talk about it with Dad...I hate bringing up the car crash around him.

But I have to do something...no sleep, being in pain...I can't concentrate on my classes in school anymore and I have a hard time keeping up my social life and my relationship.

October 28th, 2017, 10:54 PM
My physical health is a bit better or maybe I have just gotten used to it.
I just can't afford adding to you already mile long medical bills.

The sleeping situation is still bad. I have a pack of sleeping pills but I haven't touched them.
Mentally I'm doing okay. So don't wanna spoil this by using meds.

I had a good time with my friend, spending the evenings watching horror movies and shit.
School is okay. And what's important, too, my remaining cat is doing good...his health wasn't so good but now he seems better again.

But...something is going on between Dad and Grandma. After dinner they had started arguing. Not special but the argued in Cajun...so that I shouldn't understand it. Since they think I don't understand that language so well.She has just left now and he is sitting out there.

Guess I should talk to him but I don't wanna.

October 29th, 2017, 11:33 PM
I'm trying to be there for others my Dad, my boyfriend but I feel really alone.
Alone is not necessarily a bad thing ... I need my alone time. But honestly at the moment I feel sorta used.
I do what I can but it just doesn't seem enough for them.

November 8th, 2017, 10:11 PM
I'm really stressed. School, work and also home life.
I have increasing sleeping problems and somehow alternate between crying for no particular reason when I am alone and try to relax and becoming really aggressive when I get annoyed.
I try to keep my anger inside and try to stay calm but I can feel my steadily increasing hostility. I have a hard time not to snap at people for the slightest thing.

I'm kinda worried since this is really all bad signs.

November 16th, 2017, 11:32 PM
As predicted I kinda acted out on my increasing bad feelings.
I got into a fight with a coworker who sorta bullies me for months now.
And going home that night I had a breakdown and literally cried the whole night.
I had a long talk on the phone with my boss and she seems to understand my feelings and situation.
I'm a bit calmer now but of course still not good at all.
In addition I have gotten really sick, this always happens when I'm stressed.

November 19th, 2017, 01:14 PM
I'm getting more and more irrational. It's scary and dangerous. I feel like I'm losing myself somehow.
I haven't had a phase this bad for years. I mean I was doing bad attempted suicide and shit but now I feel like I can't hold it together anymore.

I'm scared. Like really scared. The last time I felt like that was when I was 14. I hoped so much I would never have to experience that again but now it seems like deja vu all over.
It is like a bad drug trip...usually when I'm depressed I'm just sad but now I'm like hysterically irrationally sad. And I switch to getting maniac within seconds....that is so not normal at all. My last few days used to be horror trips. I don't know what to do anymore.

I seem to drift away I lived like in a different world for months back then. They took me out of school and all. I can't let these things happen now but at the same time I feel like I'm already at the point of no return and can't get out anymore.

I just feel helplessly lost.

November 22nd, 2017, 02:33 AM
I feel bad...I mean I feel unwell most of the time but now I feel bad on a completely different level. I can't put ignore in words send I do not expect anyone to understand.

It's like I have put too much energy in holding my life together and fighting my way back snd now all this strength and energy is gone.

Everything seems to fall apart..I fall apart.

November 22nd, 2017, 01:59 PM
I had to put my cat to sleep today. He was always there first at my grandma's place and then with me. I mean this cat was only one year younger than me I have never known a life without him. He was old he had his life and it was a good life you could say but I can't imagine being without him.
Dad has cleared most of his stuff away so that it doesn't remind and hurt me.But there is no many small things.

This cat ws my anchor. He tied me to this life here. When I was suicidal and all grandma used to say you can't just leave him behind, he is your responsibility and all...and now? What now?
I'm in a horrible mental state at the moment and now this blow. I have no strength left anymore.

November 26th, 2017, 12:01 AM
I just answers a message a friend sent me about how I have someone to talk to about things.
This made me realise that I have hardly talked to anyone for a couple of days now.
I mean I talk to people at work. But I have barely seen my friends and just exchanged a bit of small talk with them.
Same goes for my grandmas.

And I found that I'm completely happy with that. Usually I'm a very talkative person always babbling on about stuff, being bubbly and funny but now I'm completely quiet. Introvert.
It feels a lot easier not having to talk to anyone, not pretending anything.
I love being alone...walking around alone and quiet. Usually when I walk from A to B alone I'm on the phone since I get bored without having anyone to talk to.

My Dad doesn't say much neither...so at the moment he is the person I'm most comfortable around. He doesn't force me to talk to him and at the moment I really cherish this quiet and silence.

December 10th, 2017, 11:23 AM
I haven't written anything in quite some time. I just feel paralysed. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I have no interest in anything. Most people just seem so annoying.

I'm easily irritated...I feel like crying most of the time and at the same time I feel an incredible anger in me.

I really don't know anymore.

December 25th, 2017, 12:14 AM
I haven't written much lately for once I was kinda lazy and I also felt like I could not add anything new since my situation hasn't really changed

This Christmas is sorta weird...I spend most of it alone. My grandmas are busy and my Dad is...well my Dad.

I feel sad but I really wanna be happy.
I'm doing a "big" Christmas dinner for Dad. I asked him if he wants a present and he told me he wanted to have some nice dinner with me. So yeah.
We usually aren't big on presents...Money or new stuff to wear from my grandma's for me that's basically all.

But Dad promised me a present this year ... well he said I get it on the 27th since he can't go get it earlier but yeah. Knowing my Dad I am afraid I know what it is and I feel really torn about it.

Anyway that's how things are and I really hope this next year is getting better.

January 11th, 2018, 07:15 AM
I was right about the present from my Dad.
He bought me a new cat. It's a really cute light orange colored one with golden eyes. He went all the way to Houma to get me this lil guy since he wanted a special cat.
I named him Henri.

I am happy to have an animal back in my life and I know very well that it is good for me to have something I have to take care for and be there for. It's important when I get into depressions.
Still I feel I'm not over my old cats and I'm afraid I don't give the lil fellow the attention he deserves. At the same time I constantly worry....I am afraid he could get sick, that I make some mistakes and whatever. It is stupid I have always had cats and they did not die due to me doing something wrong but because they were old.
But I'm always on the verge of panick somehow.

January 12th, 2018, 11:03 PM
Today at work something happened that upset me way more than I want to admit.
A co-worker told me something our boss did and I feel so very angry now. I mean she always keeps telling me that she needs me and all and what a good job I do. But I increasingly just feel used.

She is lying friendly stuff to my face just to be able to exploit me more and more. I have been working overtime so much and my days off had mostly been cancelled since we are one person short.

I told her I can't work so much since I still go to school and all but obviously nobody cares about it.
She had dinner with some of my co-workers to which she "forgot" to invite me of course and there they talked who gets which days off and so on and as one interjected she saidit's fine since she has me and I'm stupid enough to work whenever she calls me and never call in sick or anything.

I'm so mad right now. I'm really just being used and a laughing matter obviously.

I tried to not let anything show but I was very upset the whole day. I am mad but at the same time sad.
I have no idea what to do I need the job and the money.

Still this is very negative for my mental state and also has negative effects on my school work since I hardly have time for it anymore.

January 18th, 2018, 02:36 PM
My depressions more and more shift to aggression again. I'm short tempered and I'm sick and tired of all this crap around me.

I have my school stuff, two jobs and this would really be enough.

Still I have to deal with so many other stuff like increasing tensions with my boyfriend.
My Dad is giving me crap as he isn't able to deal with his life alone.

I just wanna be left alone and not deal with any of this.
Not being left alone makes me more and more aggressive. I hate being aggressive like that since I always sooner or later explode.

I just wanna be alone.

January 18th, 2018, 10:07 PM
As expected it all escalated today.
I dunno why it always has to be like that. We have been playing that same game now for ten years and I'm sick and tired of it.

January 20th, 2018, 05:18 PM
After my fallout with Dad everything is going down the drain again.
I just don't my school and work like a robot. I honestly couldn't care less about it at all I just function on autopilot.

I'm in such an overall bad mood I could literally kill.
I had an argument with my boyfriend and I felt that I really got to the point of seening red. I sorta left mid sentence and just walked around aimlessly to calm down.

It is a horrible situation. I feel so angry in such moments...and at the same time helpless since I have such a bad time stop my hatred and thoughts of violence.
Most of the time I use self-harm as a way to get rid off these feelings. I haven't hurt myself for nearly a month but I don't know how long it will stay like this.

January 30th, 2018, 09:01 PM
It's really dark days...wavering between getting irritated at the slightest thing or feeling so completely down I just couldn't cry all day.

I am so lethargic and tired. I slept so much these past days it's insane. But I still feel so dead tired. I know that sleeping so much is bad for me but I just can't help it.

It's Mardi Gras season so everyone just talks about partying and having fun this makes it extra hard for me. My friends keep asking me about going out and all but I just feel like staying in bed. So I got super angry last weekend when they tried pushing me to go out with them.

February 4th, 2018, 12:01 AM
I feel sorta sick...probably should drink less.

Anyway. I felt really down and depressed for most of the week.
But I guess it's looking up again. After another shouting match on Thursday evening Dad and I have made up again.

He was really shocked after our last argument...like I hardly ever get violent and I had hit him back as he tried to hit me. Sure this upset him but also me since I absolutely detest violent behaviour. But it's kinda talked out now. Still sticks in my mind but yeah...

Spend the weekend trying to have fun. Hang with my friends and do some drinking, eating junk and listen to awful hip hop.

February 7th, 2018, 10:51 PM
I really don't know what I should think about my best friend. I love her like a sister but sometimes she freaks me out with her overprotective behaviour.

I told her about an email I got and how I felt about it and today she provided me with a couple of files and shit about some people in question.
She dunno what she did to obtain his stuff and she wouldn't tell me. I am just freaked now wondering if she does this with everyone I know and told her about.
It's sorta creepy and I know her intentions aren't really bad but I sorta feel betrayed myself.

I occasionally tell her about people and she goes full on FBI on them.

All my life I had severe trust issues and she was always one I trusted the most.
She said she needs to protect me but why like that?

I feel bad now...I am creeped out by my friend and I have seen stuff about people I didn't even wanna know.
I deleted all this shit but still it's all on my mind now.

I feel rather depressed anyway so I really wouldn't have needed this at all.

I wanted to leave it all be but I am not sure how I should get it off my mind now.

February 18th, 2018, 02:10 PM
I really would need some time off since I feel like my body and mind are slowly shutting down.

I just have no time I can spend on my own anymore. There's always someone wanting something. It is driving me crazy.

I can't sleep during the night. I am tired all day. I have no energy left but still keep on doing my school and my work and still keep smiling.

I had some severe anger attack out of nothing. I usually can identify all my triggers but this morning I just freaked out and snapped over nothing. Dad asked me what I wanted to do this morning, whether I wanted to go out. It's crazy I dunno...I don't know why I got so mad at this.
Well and then one of my cats jumped on my drawer throwing all the stuff there down. My
my collection of old religious objects. He totally broke one of the statue things into pieces. It was a gift from a neighbor who had died a couple of years ago and was really beautiful

I spent a great deal of the morning cleaning up the mess and trying to repair the poor Jesus figurine.

It was my only completely free day. Then I'm working and going to school again from Monday to Saturday.

I dunno but spending my free time with useless work made me totally freak. My rush of anger turned in some weird paranoia fuelled panic attack.
I had been scratching myself so hard I was even bleeding.
I simply cannot figure out what is wrong with me. I just feel I need a break. But unfortunately I won't get one.

March 2nd, 2018, 10:41 PM
I'm rather lazy right now when it comes to writing down my feelings. This may be due to the fact that even I'm feeling unwell in so many aspects I just keep going on like a robot not trying to think about myself.

I have a lot of stuff on my plate so I can't pay attention to my feelings really. I have to go on. I know that this is extremely dangerous and a recent breakdown proved this but what else could I do.

I just try to ignore and keep stuff that as shown itself as harmful foment my life. Like I started ignoring a lot of people lately...brainless attention seekers that don't deserve a single wasted thought of mine. This at least helps a bit even though my family still bugs me a lot about one particular of those people since they feel I should take action. I feel that stupid people don't even deserve that kind of attention but they insist such people need a lesson.

It is useless in my opinion there's no remedy for being dumb...it just makes me think about this person even though I don't want to.

Anyway an ugly day is in front of me that I really dread. I hope once this is over it gets a lil better for a while.

March 10th, 2018, 11:59 PM
I spent the day at my Grandma's. She did my hair...so we kinda had an extremely long time to talk. Braiding cornrows isn't done in just ten minutes. Honestly, I hate it but I'm not yet prepared to shave it all off. I mean, I probably would if others at my job would complain that it looks "ghetto" but since most people seem to like my hair as it is I will keep it for a lil longer.

But yeah black people hair isn't what is on my mind today.

As I said, I had time to talk to my grandma, something I haven't done much lately.
She asked me whether I was happy and I said yes without hesitation.
I hardly ever feel like that. But guess I'm truly happy and content right now.

She felt happy for me she said and that I have grown so much...not physically of course... but mentally. She said she wanted to be honest with me how she always feared she would lose me to suicide or drugs at a young age or any other horrible stuff my Dad would drag me into. She said she always feared his bad influence on me but I managed to change him for the better over the years instead of him dragging me down.

It was awesome to hear she felt like that. I always have my downs but I really work so hard on myself and it feels like it is paying off now.

We also talked about the ugly topic of my getting aggressive a lot during bad manic phases. And how I feel about it. She knows that this is a very hard thing for me since I absolutely detest useless violence.

We talked about how I try to work around aggression against others by self-harming and finally she asked me how I feel about restrictions on gun ownership as we somehow lead our conversation to that Florida school shooting.

I often thought about stuff like that after seeing news of people with mental problems committing such crimes. Like I ask myself would I be capable of doing this? Physically for sure since I have learned to shoot at a young age and would have access to weapons and ammo.
But would this be me or would I do this because of my mental health problems?
No, absolutely not. I'm not capable of brooding on some wrong people do me. I'm not capable of holding grudges.
When I am mad, hateful, aggressive it's just a flaring up for a couple of moments but I can't hold anger over a longer period of time.
I would never want to have a weapon or anything around myself that I could easily and quickly access...I wouldn't trust myself with that under no circumstances. It sounds horrible but I see myself capable of shooting someone during a five minute argument over ridiculous stuff. This is one of the reasons why all our hunting weapons are stored away safely with my grandma.

However as a result of my mental problems I would not be able to go on doing bigger damage. I have this problems with anger flaring up in my mind and making me feel like a different person but I snap out of it very quickly. I have trained myself over the years that whenever I feel this anger coming I hurt myself...hitting,scratching etc...so that I snap out of it and nothing bad happens. And of course I work on not getting angry like that at all and I feel I get better and better at it. During the height of your puberty it was terrible but now I can control all this very well.

Would I be okay with not being able to own guns? As much as I love going hunting and eating this awesome meat like in the chilli we had the other day. I would be absolutely okay with giving up weapons for good. I know what I can do but not everyone in my condition is working so much on understanding themselves. Mental health problems are overlooked so much, not taken seriously enough. It is still so much of a taboo and not treated right. I educate myself as much as I can but while doing this I see so many people who are not aware that they have mental health issues or are in denial about them.

As long as our society is like that and people aren't prepared to give up their egoism and clinging to traditions horrible things will continue to happen.
So yeah restrictions are necessary as a prevention.

Well this was all kinda deep and scary but just a normal conversation with my grandma.

March 30th, 2018, 11:01 AM
At the moment I feel like a zombie. Kinda like I'm there but then again not at all.
I feel like I'm not really in touch with my environment and the people around during me.
On the surface I function...but I don't pay attention to anything.

Yesterday I couldn't remember whether I did all the things I should have done at work and I woke during the night thinking what if I had forgotten something or done in a wrong get order or whatever. I asked a co-worker and she said everything was just perfect.
I dunno...am I so caught up in a routine?

I can't pay attention to anyone or anything. And I feel bad about this.

April 11th, 2018, 08:59 AM
I guess I haven't slept for more than an hour last night.
I feel so totally confused. I'm not sure what to do at all.
I feel overwhelmed. So many feelings rushed through my body. I'm happier than I have been in ages but the same time I feel sick.
Dunno how to sort this all out right now.

May 16th, 2018, 03:11 PM
I had a lot going on for some time and now I feel emotionally overwhelmed. It's like my mind doesn't know how to react anymore. I try to stay calm on the outside but I feel like breaking down and crying and at the same time like just physically hurt whatever person next tries to talk to me.

I have hardly slept for a week never more than 2-3 hours and my body feels like it's shaking and never resting at all.

I haven't felt like that in a long time.

May 19th, 2018, 10:51 PM
For some time now my sleeping patterns are completely messed up. This happens sometimes but usually it goes away on it's own but it has been a while now and no signs it will get better.
This is very dangerous for my condition so I'm starting to worry.

June 8th, 2018, 10:41 PM
My insomnia has gotten worse and worse lately. I hardly sleep more than 2 hours.
I'm constantly feeling slightly dizzy and not tired at all. I'm so pumped with energy.

So yeah the perks of mania.

I can't think about anything since I have about a hundred thoughts at the same time.

My whole body feels like it is buzzing.

There is no way to calm down or sleep without meds but I just don't wanna use them.

July 13th, 2018, 09:01 AM
I haven't posted in here for like at least a month because it's been so hard to describe how I feel even to myself.

I keep myself busy and don't really think about anything at all.Living in the moment to thinking about past or present is what I do right now.

I feel bad about myself and don't really wanna think about it so I just refuse to.

Time will tell how long this works out.

July 18th, 2018, 10:22 AM
I'm just back from my Caribbean vacation and back to work again.
It's so weird I had worked at a place outside of town with more wealthy patients. And now they phoned me if I wanted to come back there. They need a replacement for some time and the patients asked whether I could come back. I didn't feel like they particularly liked me and told that to the manager but she was like oh no...they just love you. Ah well. No idea what to think about but even if the pay is okay it means getting up at 3:30 am at least three days a week. Just awesome.

Anyway I have a lot of energy at the moment so I'm able to do it. I'm feeling somehow high and hardly ever get tired and I'm in an exceptionally good mood. This is a mix of having time away during my vacation and meeting with so many great people and of course with being in a nearly manic state of mind. I was rather subdued for a while without falling into a real depression a day now I'm rather without getting into real danger.

I'm happy about this cuz it means that even without heavy medication my mood swings even out. My hard work and therapy really pay off to have a drug free life without being a danger to myself and others.

July 20th, 2018, 07:34 AM
I have been listening to the same song for hours so Dad was genuinely afraid there's something wrong with me. I usually do this just when I'm extremely depressed. And since it is a rather dark song, I guess it is natural. Usually I would use headphones but I was to lazy looking for them.

But I'm not depressed. I feel oddly at peace. The music just had something hypnotising. It made my train of thoughts almost like a movie that played out in my head.

It's like having weird visions without being on drugs. Strange visions of death. It's not about being depressed and wanting to die. It is simply about accepting death and come to terms with it. I've been having those since I visited some great out of me in Haiti some time ago but it grows more and more intense.

I can't really talk to anyone about it here since I'm sure they will freak out. But yeah those thoughts don't make me unhappy so I'm okay with that.

August 9th, 2018, 11:03 AM
Before our family gathering I dumped my boyfriend. I was feeling good about it. I constantly felt inadequate around him. He always gave me the feeling of not eingesperrt good enough. Like he had to be ashamed when he was with me.

I wanted to be with him but he made me feel he didn't want to be with me. Like I was inferior and pulling him down somehow.

So I felt a real relief after ending the relationship. Some weight being taken from me.

But now I have been back home for one day and I feel like I can't stop crying.
Not really because I regret the whole thing but because I feel so dumb.

It's the second person this year I put an effort in and got disappointed like that.
First with a female I thought would be my friend and then this guy.

It is not easy for me to open up and be my real me. Due to my acting so weird because of my bipolar it takes some time to trust someone to not just play a role but be myself.

They both just played with me. Put me down for whatever reason and always made me feel guilty and like I was a bad person.

I feel so helpless and mad and everything. I have not done anything except cry and lie in my bed in a darkened room.
Dad tells me I should not do that since I make myself sick this way but I just can't help it.