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Dalcourt
May 13th, 2017, 10:35 PM
Right now I'm going through another episode of deep depression.
The sun is shining, people are happy and laughing while I feel like spending my days in bed in a dark room crying all the time.
I lack motivation for even the smallest things.

I should be happy since in less than three weeks I should be able to go back home, something I wished for since I came here. Still all I feel is sadness and resignation.
Depression is there for a few weeks now, so it should vanish soon.
Other sign I got really irritated over almost nothing today...so seems like mania will arrive soon. Scary thing: the being irritated.I hate getting mad since I get unreasonably mad,aggressive. I also hurt myself to calm my anger today. Again.This spiral needs to stop somehow.

Dalcourt
May 16th, 2017, 02:27 PM
I don't have the same dark feelings I had a couple of days ago. But instead of the hoped for good feelings my sadness is replaced by being irritated at the slightest things.

I feel like everyone in this world made it their goal to annoy me.To be honest I hate being around people at the moment. I want to be somewhere far away where nobody else is around. I don't want to be mean or hurt people's feelings so I try not to talk too much to anyone.

Dalcourt
May 19th, 2017, 09:37 PM
My sleeping is totally messed up. For days I have only slept maybe two hours a day. It's bad. I'm not tired but it's unhealthy for my body if it doesn't get better.
I'm just in my bed listening to music the whole night. My guardians mustn't know about it. They just worry. My thoughts are just running and I can't think anything through. It's all mixed up. I really want this to stop.

Dalcourt
May 23rd, 2017, 08:57 PM
I still don't feel any better. Messed up sleep and my thoughts are racing. I can't concentrate on anything no matter how hard I try to stay focused. Had a phone call from a friend today and he had to tell me at least twice to listen since he noticed how my thoughts drifted away and I couldn't listen to him anymore. Really embarrassing and awful.

I'm always bad at decision making but I feel like this time trying to make a real important decisions has messed up my mind completely.

Dalcourt
May 28th, 2017, 09:38 PM
I know I should feel good since I can go back to my home. I wanted it and of course still want it. Why I am so anxious about it then. I feel sad and afraid nearly panicking.

I talked to my guardian she isn't happy to let me go. She wants me save.She is worried about high crime rates where I live. Never really worried about that one but I understand her.

We have booked the flight. There's no turning back now anyway. I just want to be more happy about it.

Dalcourt
May 30th, 2017, 09:37 PM
I'm really kinda panicking today. Dunno why I just feel like something really bad will happen and I can't do nothing.

I hope my decisions were right and I haven't destroyed everything with them. No I don't hope. I know. Sure it wasn't bad the other way but it wasn't good either.
I made some interesting experiences, saw things I never thought I'd see. But as a whole everything felt wrong. I wasn't allowed to be me anymore. Deep down I felt bad every single day. I can't even explain those feelings to myself so I understand when the others say my decision was utterly stupid.

This is the reason I can't be happy about it now. I now it's right but I can't explain why.So there is these dark shadows lingering over everything . I'm not sure if it will be okay again one day, maybe it's already too late.
If I made a mistake then it's like that now there is no other way.

Dalcourt
June 12th, 2017, 05:46 AM
The fine line between mania and happiness.
I have been in a dark place of self doubt and depression for a long time. But finally there is the sun again.
It all started out with this after church discussion. It gave me a lot of confidence and showed me who I am and that I really want the right thing.
Hyped like that I had my happy fuzzy feeling all day.
As I said elsewhere I did some quite irresponsible shopping and alarming signal of feeling high and mania settling in. I also did some thinking and found I had to ban some really unhealthy factors from my life. I tried to feel my way through this...is it just a whim during mania? Would I regret it later? I was really frightened to wake up this morning and realise I made a huge mistake.

So not really sleeping much and not feeling the need to another bad sign.
Finally slept and waking up I felt great.

I was right. I feel good. I feel free.
A person I truly love told me: you know who you are and I know who you really are...so just fuck the rest.
I don't need to try to be someone else to be like. I don't need to lie and swallow other people's shit just to be liked.

So for once after a long time I feel genuinely happy. I'm relieved of a burden I know where I stand and where I wanna go. Everything feels right. I'm doing good.
At last.

Dalcourt
June 13th, 2017, 06:31 AM
Still feeling like I need no sleep but apart from that I'm doing really good.

Was a good day celebrated my Grandma's birthday in her own very unique way.
I get along so much better with her now.Seems we finally found each other as a family.
Doctors appointment today...check up on my lungs, Gran insisted but I feel healthy so it's just a waste of money imo.

I had some pretty triggering stuff going on but I didn't crumble. I'm doing good.

Dad's good too so what more could I wish for atm.

Dalcourt
June 19th, 2017, 05:48 AM
I feel optimistic I can't say anything else.
I don't have therapy I'm not on meds but I function like a normal human being.
Sure things aren't always smooth...but there was a thing ahead I really didn't wanna do and hey I was lucky. The whole issue solved itself. Usually I overthink things I dread to do but this time I hardly thought about it at all. I just felt like once the day is there I'll find a solution. And then the whole thing was cancelled.
Of course not forever but still I was lucky and didn't ruin my mood with thinking too much.
I told myself to stay optimistic and it worked.
I haven't felt this positive in years.

Dalcourt
June 21st, 2017, 10:54 PM
I had an ugly fight with a very good friend yesterday.
It upset me a lot...nearly threw me back into self-harming. Luckily I didn't give in.

Fighting with someone you thought you like and you thought likes you is a strange thing. It makes you realise a lot about yourself.
Why did I get mad? He dumps all his problems on me, expectsome solutions from me and sympathy...do I give it? Sure with everything I can.
Do I get a thank you? Is he there for me when I need something? No...
So after a couple of frantic texts and calls I couldn't help but tell him being friends is not just about taking but also about giving.

He got real mad ... like real mean mad, so I just stopped talking to him. I just didn't feel like getting into useless arguments. This just eats up all my energy.

Getting away from toxic people. My therapist at the hospital told me this is very important.
I just have a tendency to let others use me she told me. I don't know guess it's true. If I once started liking someone I stick to them even if they treat me like crap. She explained how bad this is for me...how I don't have a high opinion of myself...stuff like that.
Well guess that's the story of my life.
So I was told if a relationship gets toxic I should stand up for myself and tell the other that I can't go on like that.

So I kinda did to my friend. He got nasty since he is used to my just running at his command. I didn't feel like discussing anymore. So I stayed home and didn't answer or even look at my phone.

Today I got a lengthy text message as apology. He promised he'd do better.
Do I believe him? Not really...do I get back with him? Sure...old habits die hard.

Dalcourt
June 25th, 2017, 08:24 PM
I don't know how I should talk about how I feel without accidently triggering others who might read this by chance.

I have not self harmed in over a week or so.
I felt at peace even though a couple of stressful things happened so there was no need to control feelingso that threatened to overwhelm me.

Last night I had my ex? boyfriend over.
We used to argue a lot in the past since he isn't actually a nice person but I felt like I needed him. I didn't have sex in quite some time so I kinda manipulated him into it.
I know it was wrong to do this but I don't feel like it was wrong. Usually I would feel bad but I'm just confused why I don't feel bad at all.
Being with him actually felt better than I felt in ages. I don't understand.

He feels we are back together now. I have no real feelings for him anymore I just felt good with him last night but apart from that I'm not sure at all.

I was thinking about him the whole day and I'm just more and more confused.

When I waited for my grandma after church I just sat there opening a wound on my arm where I had accidently cut myself a few days ago. It didn't hurt much but was taking my mind off. But I know it's the wrong thing to do.

I'm not sure how I should go on. I can't do these things to get a clear mind. I can't restart this relationship but I also can't tell him...and a part of me doesn't want him to go away.

Dalcourt
July 2nd, 2017, 01:04 AM
I'm not around much at the moment. Life is pretty busy. Usually I hate stress it makes me aggressive but at the moment I'm calm and happy.

One of my cats is ill...I'm sure he has to go soon. I thought I would lose him last Friday as he was in a real bad state. But we took him to the vet and he seems better again. Sure it won't last and I have to prepare myself to let him go but I don't wanna think about it. I know deep down I have accepted it and he, too, so we just see every day as a gift now.
I want to keep this positive for his sake and my other cat guy's sake. So even if it's sad and I feel like crying I am not depressed but happy and grateful for our time together.

Dalcourt
July 8th, 2017, 11:49 PM
These days is a horrible anniversary. My life has gone downward a great deal since these events.
But now? Things seem to look up. I find it scary how calm and positive I am.

I was down for so long I felt like not even remember how to be happy.

I hope it's not just my illness playing tricks on me but the good feeling seems genuine.

I have learnt so many things about myself and I have learnt so much about others.

Sometimes forgiveness really works as sometimes people who do bad things are really just victims themselves.

Sometimes people need to face a catastrophy to wake up and take their lives in their own hands.

Sometimes you are surprised by how loyal and genuine people can be. People are true to you and real friends in need.

And sometimes you sadly have to learn how false and selfish people are. So called friends that come and dump their shit on you and just want you to tell them they are always right and the greatest but then you give them honest words God forbid. They will show their true face one way or other.

I might have seemed mean to people close to me this last month since I sorta got rid off so many people in real life and online. But it just isn't healthy for me...I'm my own person and can't just say yes to whatever bullshit.
I have wasted already too much of my life trying to make others to like me but this has to stop now whoever doesn't like me okay I won't change myself and my opinions and principles to be more likeable.

As a whole I have grown so much over this year...mentally, physically I'm afraid I'll never grow...lmao...

But in all honesty I would have never made it alone. I had my grandma, my best real life friend and my best online friend.
Without those people I would not have survived that year.

Dalcourt
July 11th, 2017, 09:33 PM
For some time now I have been questioning online friendships.

I mean I have my one best online friend I know I can tell everthing and vice versa. Sure we not always agree 100% on everything but accepting other opinions and views is part of being good friends.

Some time ago I was hugely disappointed by some other people I thought I could be friends with. Not even remotely trying to understand why I could have a different opinion on things, well it saddened me but that's how it is. I just see it now as another lesson learned.

And today I was getting surprised receiving a message out of the blue. It was so nice and honest it really made my day. And it showed me that there are still some genuine people left here on this forums. People who are not just trolls, fakes or attention seekers.

It may sound totally silly but it made me insanely happy.

Dalcourt
July 13th, 2017, 10:56 AM
I'm having a crush. I don't want to have feelings. Friends yeah but I can't deal with more. Feelings are bad at the moment.

Dalcourt
July 16th, 2017, 10:47 PM
I am doing good and I'm functioning.
Like whatever I have to do I get done. I do my job and I spend time with friends and family. Like everything is fine. As a whole I feel good. I don't have any problems.

But I always have this dull pain deep inside me. Not a real physical pain. It's and unsettling feeling that pulls from the inside.
Whenever I am alone and have time to think it increases till it seems to be unbearable.
So I fill every minute of my life with something...no matter what just to be busy. Whenever I am alone I read listen to music etc. I try to be with other people even though I'd rather be alone.
I don't wanna have this feeling. It kinda makes me paranoid.

I am so feel like I can't concentrate. I get my stuff done so nobody would suspect a thing but the way I do completely without any structure. Everything is just chaotic...I stand within a complete mess doing 5 seconds of this and 5 seconds of hat task. Luckily it always works out in the end but for how long?

I feel like I can't listen to people. I just zone out not hearing what they say at all. I greatly annoy my grandma and friends with it. But I just can't help it.

Gran says it's all just as I am worried about my cat who is terminally ill.

So this stresses me out. Stress is an enormous trigger for me. So that's basically it....my whole life is in turmoil just because of it. That's what I hate so much about my bipolar.

I really work hard to stay "normal" on the outside but to think that this will be very change...from the rest of my life. It sometimes scares me a lot.

Dalcourt
July 24th, 2017, 12:26 PM
I have a lot on my mind. I need to make decisions but I'm dreading it. Decision making is just not in my nature. I really hate it.

I just keep myself busy with different things as I don't wanna think about the important stuff but I know that it is all inevitable.

Dalcourt
July 28th, 2017, 03:21 PM
I have hardly slept this week and I am hardly eating garbage anything.
I'm always occupied and still full of energy. Everyone at my work is surprised by this...well me not so much.
Last night I got pretty drunk. Since I didn't have alcohol for ages and didn't eat the whole day it wasn't that much I had really. But there's no hangover or anything should be happy I guess.

But honestly it's not really a reason to be...it can end up real dangerous. So let's hope for the best.

Ah well, break is over and it's back to work.

Dalcourt
July 30th, 2017, 11:18 PM
So yeah I never had any great decision making skills on certain matters. Moreover it's just not use to tell your decision to certain people as they don't listen to you anyway.
My status is now person A is still officially my boyfriend and that mainly because he thinks he is.
I let my crush sleep at my place on Saturday not only at my place but in my bed. No great decision at all since it could cause trouble.
But honestly I don't even care at the moment.

My focus is on my job and not my love life to be honest. I wanna pursue my career and the other is just fun but nothing serious at all.

My problem usually is having to much feelings...to be too passionateand therefore never I never get somewhere cuz usually I just get overwhelmed after a while.

Strangely at the moment I could care less about those things that usually would really get to me.
So neither jealous boyfriends, nor cute crushes, nor pathetic forumers with no life, nor my family who always wants to tell me what to do and how to do it overwhelm me or get me off my track.
I'm really glad and hope it stays like that.

Dalcourt
August 6th, 2017, 09:57 PM
Been away for a couple of days. It was insightful. The place was beautiful.
I was glad to get away from everyone and everything from a while.People are exhausting.They usually want uou to do something or want to talk about something.

Especially the talking part is so hard sometimes. I just don't feel like it and also don't feel like writing are message or email.

I don't do much talking so being away with Mr.KKK was great as he isn't into talking either and didn't force me to talk.
I really needed to write to a friend did but I can't.
It's so hard to describe. I am not depressed or anything just don't wanna talk. Usually I have to talk so much all day but at times I feel I just can't.

Dalcourt
August 7th, 2017, 10:31 AM
I feel bad because I don't feel.
I'm sitting here at the hospital being indifferent while half of my family is freaking out.

My Dad's stepbrother is here in ICU after a freak accident. His chest is smashed and his broken ribs have perforated his insides. He will have another surgery today. Nobody can say if he survives or not.
And I feel bad for not being shocked and freaked out. I hardly know him...he's accident stranger to me...so I can't really feel a thing.

Still I think I should feel something, shouldn't I?

Dalcourt
August 8th, 2017, 10:06 AM
I'm devastated. I'm lost.
I feel so helpless. There's nothing left.

Why can't I just wake up and this was all just a huge horrible nightmare....

Dalcourt
August 9th, 2017, 10:52 PM
One of my rocks is taken from me. I never thought I'd feel like that.
The emptiness is unbelievable no words could ever be enough no tears ever be enough.

I hate getting attached to anyone or anything.

My condition makes my feelings too strong be it in a positive or negative way.
So whatever happens with someone I let into my heart hits me harder than I could ever explain to anyone.

As much as I love to have my feelings as much I hate it in bad times like these.

I'm scared now...I don't know how to handle it, how to go in.
The more positive anchors in my life I lose the harder it will be.

Dalcourt
August 10th, 2017, 11:29 PM
I have been listening to the same song for hours straight for two days now.
Now I turned it off to be in complete quiet.

My whole body is shaking. The first day the shaking was visible outward...now it's only me who feels my whole body shaking but kthers won't see it.

I was told how great I'm doing how I'm holding up.
It's just my poker face for the world. I can't let others know how I have broken down over this.

I am sad and lost but moreover I am scared. Scared that this is the beginning of the end. I have been in so many bad situationso in my life and always got out somehow. Life was always going on somehow. I was always lucky. I always knew that no matter how bad it looked there is light after the darkness.

But I feel like my string of good luck has been ripped in two now. I feel like I won't find a solution how to work myself out of the bad things now.

I so desperately want to tell this to someone. I so want someone to reassure me that everything will be fine.
But I know I can't talk to someone about it. I can't tell anyone that I feel like I lost control like that ... it will just scare them. Everyone relies on me and my strength to go on. I always make them go on how can I tell them I'm afraid now?

I don't feel like doing something stupid. I'm not mania high crazy hopeless trying to hurt or kill myself. This is usually just my illness and not really me a day deep deep down I always know that I just do it cuz I'm high on feelings.

It's scary now as it's my real quiet feelings. It's a hopelessness consuming me...no mania no depression.
Seems like my luck has run out and the real me for the first time in my life being really scared and without hope.

Dalcourt
August 12th, 2017, 11:37 PM
I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with terror and panic.
It takes me quite a while to calm down the shaking and immediate signs of fear. My whole body seems in high alert when I wake up. There's no nightmare I remember that wakes me nothing that would justify that immense horror.
After a while I calm down and sadness replaces the fear but I can't go back to sleep anymore.

Writing those things down here is of immense help. I don't wanna bother my family since they have to worry enough about my uncle who still hasn't woken up from the coma.I don't wanna say something to them but I feel he will never wake up again.

Dalcourt
August 15th, 2017, 10:20 PM
Sadness is still eclipsing everything else in my life.
Panic attacks wake me in the middle of the night. And then I can't go back to sleep and just stay awake crying most of the time.

I am not interested in anything, I can't pay attention to anything or anyone. Every conversation I have gets boring and meaningless after two sentences. I find most things and people annoying but can't be bothered to argue - I just walk away - . I usually never do that as T remarked yesterday.

I just feel surrounded by death and illness and all those horrible things I just don't have the energy to care about other people's dumbness. Why should I?

I somehow have to function at least on the outside. This would be easier if I could just sleep for a couple of hours for once.

Dalcourt
September 2nd, 2017, 09:47 PM
I have been really tired those past days and was too lazy to write anything here.
I buried myself in work so I don't get a chance to think about anything. School and especially my voluntary Red Cross work kept me so busy I wasn't really able to think whether I am happy or sad.
Downside is I was really neglecting my friends since I am either busy or tired or both.
So I try to find a balance.

My current boyfriend is absolutely gorgeous...he is far more understanding than I could ever imagine. He is the first person I have a sexual relationship with who actually tries to understand my feelings and personality.
I feel bad when I don't have time for him...I am a afraid he will think I am not really interested anymore.

So to have a free weekend were it is mainly the two of us is really great for our relationship.

Dalcourt
September 9th, 2017, 06:56 PM
It's about a month now that I lost an incredible person and one of my beloved pets at the same time. I was overwhelmed, paralysed by my feelings of sadness. I couldn't stand anyone near me, I hated having feelings.

Now? I feel like I slowly adapt. It still hurts and sometimes random memories bring tears to my eyes.
I sometimes think I never want to have feelings for any person or animal...if I don't get attached it won't hurt when they are gone.

I told my boyfriend I don't wanna be with him for this reason. He refused to be gone from my life telling me nothing bad would happen and it's just in my mind.
I know it's just all in my head ... crazy thoughts about him getting killed...whenever we are supposed to meet and he shows up late horror scenarios of what might have happened to him form in my head. I can't help it that's how my mind works.

I'm panicking at the thought someone I care for getting sick or hurt in any way and I am not able to help them. Strangely enough I never really care about my own well being.

Behind all this might be an egotistic feeling of not being left behind alone.
I don't want people to be to close but at the same time I don't wanna be alone either.

I would die for someone I love just for the sake of not having to live without them and being alone.
I guess I am horrible when it comes to love and relationships.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal lasting get relationship with someone. No person sharing my mental problems I know ever had a real lasting relationship with a "normal" person.

Dalcourt
September 11th, 2017, 10:54 PM
I'm feeling positive and at the same time I'm feeling bad. It's like I can't decide.

I know I should be happy but I just live in fear everyday of some heavy blow to come.
I try to relax but panic is always scratching and nibbling on my darker corners. I just don't know what is wrong...I so wish for some stability, some peace of mind...but it just doesn't happen for me.

Every new day seems such a challenge...I don't know why...I can't figure it out.
I just want to save this tiny piece of normal I have now for a while longer but every phone call, every ring of the door bell.... I don't know how to describe it...but it's a constant fear of my life as it is now being ripped away from me at any second.

This fear is poisoning all my thoughts, keeps me from relaxing and enjoying what I have at the moment.

Dalcourt
September 14th, 2017, 01:15 AM
I'm feeling anxious...I can't sleep and I'm skittish as hell.
I really don't know why I am so nervous. I really really should be happy.

My boyfriend stayed with me so I don't have to be alone. Guess he's worried about my strange behaviour.
I haven't talked to him about how I feel about Dad and stuff. He doesn't know him and so I felt like he should not have to get involved - atleast not yet.

I feel sorry for having lied to him telling him I'm nervous because of some school stuff.

I just pray to God grandma will be here on time to pick Dad up cuz if her husband does it....the first drama and argument is inevitable.

Dalcourt
September 26th, 2017, 02:04 PM
I have been quite busy for a while and I still am so I hardly have time to think about anything, let alone write some of my thoughts down.

School and two jobs really don't give me much freedom at the moment. I have hardly any social life and my boyfriend always complains about my being constantly tired.

I will have to give up one of my jobs in the long run. But this is where decision. making starts and that's something I hate and that always gives me anxiety.
I have to make a decision out of a sudden impulse and not by thinking about it I quiet...this never really works out for me.

I really would love this nice and relaxed feelings from last night would last a bit longer but all the stress and negative feelings creep up again.

Dalcourt
September 29th, 2017, 12:12 PM
I'm so mad and stressed that I have started self-harming a great deal again. I hate myself for it but I can't find another way of dealing with things atm.
Well...killing a certain someone would be a way but that's out of the question I'm afraid.

I mean I come home and just want some peace of mind but it's the same fuckin thugs hangin around again with him...so much for I promise I do better.
Gran is pissed as hell, too but of course she doesn't say a thing just naggin. Wtf am I supposed to do? She's the Mom...but she doesn't wanna argue. So she just waits for me to open my mouth about it...I don't feel like getting in your an argument that 100% will turn violent.
I'm sick and tired....so I dun care anymore.
I'm done.

Dalcourt
September 29th, 2017, 09:06 PM
So my breaking point in this matter was reached long ago.
I dunno. I'm just done with the whole shit.

I met Dad's "friend" at the grocery store and he had started arguing with me...I mean wtf?
The shop owner even called the cops as he saw him in the parking lot with me and felt this guy was harassing me. I should have made them arrest him...but no I'm such an idiot.
I just want those people to leave me alone.

My boyfriend took me home with him...I don't wanna be there and drag him into it and make it his problem. I can't self harm with him around...I'm getting more and more aggressive and really feel like smashing something.

I hate being like that...I'm hate violence and it absolutely disgusts me to have violent thoughts. I have to calm before it gets nasty...and I should leave but my boyfriend wants me to stay the night.
He's killing me with kindness...I'm just wanna be alone...

Dalcourt
October 2nd, 2017, 11:01 PM
After my last relapse I'm now self-harming again on a regular basis.
Not really dangerous stuff but still enough to draw others attention, too.

Course Dad is using it against me now...and he is totally right. I mean how can I complain about his smoking weed while I am addicted to burn myself.

I am not really depressed but not feeling particularly high either. It's one of those horrible in between things. I am angry and aggressive but also have this fits of melancholy and crying. Honestly I am not sure where I am heading too right now.

Dalcourt
October 19th, 2017, 08:19 AM
I'm constantly feeling tired and stressed out. I really needed some sort of break, just to get a clear head. I feel on edge all the time and I'm hardly able to control my feelings.

I get mad for no particular reasons, I nearly start to cry for no particular reasons...I can't sleep for more than 4 hours a day.

Dalcourt
October 24th, 2017, 07:45 PM
I have this sleeping problems now for quite a while. I hoped it would get better but unfortunately not.
In addition I now half my body hurts terrible and it gets worse everyday.I have this awful pain in my neck, shoulder and arm while all my fingers go numb. I have to be so careful when I hold something in my hand. It's like I have no strength in my hand at all. At the same time the pain drives me crazy. I get even less sleep because of this pain.

I know it is all still from my car accident. My body was fucked up in it way more than I wanted to admit. The doc told me it could result in lifelong chronic pain but since I feel fine for a couple of weeks in between I usually do1 give the whole thing that much attention.

But at the moment both my mental and my physical state are really bad.

I can't talk about it with Dad...I hate bringing up the car crash around him.

But I have to do something...no sleep, being in pain...I can't concentrate on my classes in school anymore and I have a hard time keeping up my social life and my relationship.

Dalcourt
October 28th, 2017, 10:54 PM
My physical health is a bit better or maybe I have just gotten used to it.
I just can't afford adding to you already mile long medical bills.

The sleeping situation is still bad. I have a pack of sleeping pills but I haven't touched them.
Mentally I'm doing okay. So don't wanna spoil this by using meds.

I had a good time with my friend, spending the evenings watching horror movies and shit.
School is okay. And what's important, too, my remaining cat is doing good...his health wasn't so good but now he seems better again.

But...something is going on between Dad and Grandma. After dinner they had started arguing. Not special but the argued in Cajun...so that I shouldn't understand it. Since they think I don't understand that language so well.She has just left now and he is sitting out there.

Guess I should talk to him but I don't wanna.

Dalcourt
October 29th, 2017, 11:33 PM
I'm trying to be there for others my Dad, my boyfriend but I feel really alone.
Alone is not necessarily a bad thing ... I need my alone time. But honestly at the moment I feel sorta used.
I do what I can but it just doesn't seem enough for them.

Dalcourt
November 8th, 2017, 10:11 PM
I'm really stressed. School, work and also home life.
I have increasing sleeping problems and somehow alternate between crying for no particular reason when I am alone and try to relax and becoming really aggressive when I get annoyed.
I try to keep my anger inside and try to stay calm but I can feel my steadily increasing hostility. I have a hard time not to snap at people for the slightest thing.

I'm kinda worried since this is really all bad signs.

Dalcourt
November 16th, 2017, 11:32 PM
As predicted I kinda acted out on my increasing bad feelings.
I got into a fight with a coworker who sorta bullies me for months now.
And going home that night I had a breakdown and literally cried the whole night.
I had a long talk on the phone with my boss and she seems to understand my feelings and situation.
I'm a bit calmer now but of course still not good at all.
In addition I have gotten really sick, this always happens when I'm stressed.

Dalcourt
November 19th, 2017, 01:14 PM
I'm getting more and more irrational. It's scary and dangerous. I feel like I'm losing myself somehow.
I haven't had a phase this bad for years. I mean I was doing bad attempted suicide and shit but now I feel like I can't hold it together anymore.

I'm scared. Like really scared. The last time I felt like that was when I was 14. I hoped so much I would never have to experience that again but now it seems like deja vu all over.
It is like a bad drug trip...usually when I'm depressed I'm just sad but now I'm like hysterically irrationally sad. And I switch to getting maniac within seconds....that is so not normal at all. My last few days used to be horror trips. I don't know what to do anymore.

I seem to drift away I lived like in a different world for months back then. They took me out of school and all. I can't let these things happen now but at the same time I feel like I'm already at the point of no return and can't get out anymore.

I just feel helplessly lost.

Dalcourt
November 22nd, 2017, 02:33 AM
I feel bad...I mean I feel unwell most of the time but now I feel bad on a completely different level. I can't put ignore in words send I do not expect anyone to understand.

It's like I have put too much energy in holding my life together and fighting my way back snd now all this strength and energy is gone.

Everything seems to fall apart..I fall apart.

Dalcourt
November 22nd, 2017, 01:59 PM
I had to put my cat to sleep today. He was always there first at my grandma's place and then with me. I mean this cat was only one year younger than me I have never known a life without him. He was old he had his life and it was a good life you could say but I can't imagine being without him.
Dad has cleared most of his stuff away so that it doesn't remind and hurt me.But there is no many small things.

This cat ws my anchor. He tied me to this life here. When I was suicidal and all grandma used to say you can't just leave him behind, he is your responsibility and all...and now? What now?
I'm in a horrible mental state at the moment and now this blow. I have no strength left anymore.

Dalcourt
November 26th, 2017, 12:01 AM
I just answers a message a friend sent me about how I have someone to talk to about things.
This made me realise that I have hardly talked to anyone for a couple of days now.
I mean I talk to people at work. But I have barely seen my friends and just exchanged a bit of small talk with them.
Same goes for my grandmas.

And I found that I'm completely happy with that. Usually I'm a very talkative person always babbling on about stuff, being bubbly and funny but now I'm completely quiet. Introvert.
It feels a lot easier not having to talk to anyone, not pretending anything.
I love being alone...walking around alone and quiet. Usually when I walk from A to B alone I'm on the phone since I get bored without having anyone to talk to.

My Dad doesn't say much neither...so at the moment he is the person I'm most comfortable around. He doesn't force me to talk to him and at the moment I really cherish this quiet and silence.

Dalcourt
December 10th, 2017, 11:23 AM
I haven't written anything in quite some time. I just feel paralysed. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I have no interest in anything. Most people just seem so annoying.

I'm easily irritated...I feel like crying most of the time and at the same time I feel an incredible anger in me.

I really don't know anymore.