PDA

View Full Version : suggestions on how to make ex feel better about having left her?


kittycat72
May 8th, 2017, 09:41 PM
Hi everyone i'm back I hate to say, and if your wondering from my previous post, the girl I was asking about did some serious absolutely wrong things in my book, and her whole story started falling apart as i realized she was cheating on me with her ex. So I'm done with her and realizing how stupid I was to get involved but thank you all for the help!

Before I got involved with this wild card girl, I had a good healthy relationship with another girl and we had a sorta happy bond and everything seemed perfect, minus maybe her forcing me to watch shows with her online (i'm joking lol, i'm fine with them), but when the wild card girl came in, I felt horrible because part of me felt connected to her and because I dont know real love, I didn't know who I felt more deeply about. I think I was more sexually attracted to the wild card girl but I liked every single thing else about the girl I was with and I knew that but my stupid horomones forced me to love both weirdly and eventually I had to try to break off with my current girlfriend to prevent future damage and to just focus on one girl (worst decision I've made) she was terribly sad and I felt horrible because the wild card girl is also her friend. She cried and I realized I made the worst mistake possible and i'll never forgive myself.

Recently after realizing I really never truly felt for the wild card girl and thing broken off with her, I want to become ok with my ex girlfriend and even maybe get back together eventually (not rushed). As I was "with the wild card girl", I always remembered my ex and felt terrible and knew she was the one and I made a horrible mistake.

I talked to my ex recently because she actually messaged me first and said she wanted to be friends again after stopped talking, but recently she blocked me (she very commonly does this to me, no minor the issue), and she tells me she was heartbroken when she saw a letter I made for the wild card girl (a love letter bc I thought it would make her feel better) (she took pictures of it without me knowing and showed it to all her friends to make fun of me, including her ex boyfriend; a primary reason I was done with her), and my ex is also upset (mad) because i showed a text of hers (just her saying sorry to me, really not much) to the wild card girl because I thought she would stay quiet about it. So after that, she blocked me and I chatted for a day or so with her on snapchat before she completely blocked me on there also. She commonly does the "go away" stuff but she does want me to keep messaging because she could easily do some other things to get me to stop and she replies everytime (this may be horribly wrong, but from me knowing her, she actually is like that).

I see her in school very commonly and half the time she is talking to wild card girl, but our eyes meet a lot and sometimes she's smiling when i'm pointing at something humorous or something, other times she'll try to have a serious face but still look at me. But I feel like she does have feelings for me. And really, I feel terrible for having left her and I wish I could do anything to fix it. She's said she'll never love me or date me or anything again, but she over dramatizes things from what I know about her, and personally I feel like I am getting signs that she is interested. But if anyone has suggestions on how to make her feel better and to show I'm sorry or anything, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you for any help you can give me! I really appreciate it! Sorry for the several posts about my terrible life :<

Chaosphere
May 10th, 2017, 01:12 AM
...But if anyone has suggestions on how to make her feel better and to show I'm sorry or anything, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you for any help you can give me! I really appreciate it! Sorry for the several posts about my terrible life :<
Honestly, she seems way too emotionally unstable to pursue any kind of reparations with at the moment. Either you are in her life or you aren't and it isn't really up to you presently. Just let time and her support structure heal her wounds, instead of reopening them with your presence. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't really be trying to get back into that situation in the first place, but I guess I'm more mercenary that way. The way I see it, you left her for a reason back then, whether or not that reason is fully fleshed out in your mind now, but I digress. She sounds a bit too volatile for me to support you chasing her, but it's not really up to me. Eventually, one or both of you will probably move on, and life will continue. However, if in time, both of you start experiencing feelings for each other, then a make-up may be possible, but to my eye, it may end the same way it did the first time around. I wish you the best of luck, and hope this helps.

Shortened version, she sounds a bit bitter to me to get back together with. Either way, time and her safety net of other friends will make her feel better more effectively that you can.

kittycat72
May 10th, 2017, 06:51 PM
Honestly, she seems way too emotionally unstable to pursue any kind of reparations with at the moment. Either you are in her life or you aren't and it isn't really up to you presently. Just let time and her support structure heal her wounds, instead of reopening them with your presence. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't really be trying to get back into that situation in the first place, but I guess I'm more mercenary that way. The way I see it, you left her for a reason back then, whether or not that reason is fully fleshed out in your mind now, but I digress. She sounds a bit too volatile for me to support you chasing her, but it's not really up to me. Eventually, one or both of you will probably move on, and life will continue. However, if in time, both of you start experiencing feelings for each other, then a make-up may be possible, but to my eye, it may end the same way it did the first time around. I wish you the best of luck, and hope this helps.

Shortened version, she sounds a bit bitter to me to get back together with. Either way, time and her safety net of other friends will make her feel better more effectively that you can.

Thank you so much fro the response and I understand what you mean and think it's a great idea, but I'm really worried because summer is coming up and if she keeps me blocked on everything during the summer, not only will that be hard to fix, but I just don't want to go into summer without being able to talk to her. I asked her on one of the final accounts today she hasn't blocked and explained to her the situation and told her that I was forced to leave her because the other girl was threatening to hurt herself if I didn't leave her and immediately after I told her the story (I thought I told it in a well explained way that makes me not so criminal and she'd feel better) she then blocked me again saying "thank you. ok now goodbye" (she commonly does that whenever she blocks off an account of mine). So I'll see her in class tomorrow and whenever I talk to her in person, she's much more smiling even though she tries to have a serious face. Its kinda cute tbh, but should I try to talk to her tomorrow and ask if she can unblock me for tomorrow so I can talk to her? Or any suggestion on what to do?

I know you recommend giving her space but I don't how easily I can do that as I said earlier due to timing. I'm not looking to get back immediately into a relationship with her, but I want time to bond with her and be on her good side again. Thanks again for the help!

Chaosphere
May 12th, 2017, 01:54 AM
Ah, I see, there's a time constraint that's weighing on you. Honestly, From what you've said, your attempts to contact her might actually be damaging your chances of reparations, but I can't be sure without actually being there. Working off that assumption, I only see one way forward. Either you give her space and time, or she very well may just cut all ties because she's frustrated with the situation. If you can, make sure she knows you're there, approachable, in the background, but I sure as Hell wouldn't approach her outright, for fear of pushing her further away. Maybe try just short conversations about things that are definitely NOT relationships. This is one of those, "rock and a hard place," situations. You can wait and risk summer coming without closure, or you can be forward with her, and risk hurting things more. In time, if she has cooled off enough to understand the situation and that you're genuinely trying to fix things, she'll approach you. Honestly, you have the choice between the situation maybe getting worse or not changing much, or the situation almost certainly getting worse. Not much of a choice, but decisions must be made. I'd give her as much time and space as is possible, and then some. The way I see it, maybe a summer with reduced contact (not no contact, just less) might be good for things between you guys. This all depending on what school years you guys are in. Hope that helps.

kittycat72
May 21st, 2017, 06:36 PM
Hi i'm sorry for the delay in response, but I'm back after technical difficulties and relationship difficulties. Over the past while, me and my ex have been having minor talks but she instantly after a period of time will remember some of the bad stuff that has happened in the past and instantly gets depressed and doesn't want to talk to me anymore and says "Goodbye" and blocks me. After maybe a week(?) this kinda resets in her and she goes back to talking, but the amount of time varies on how I respond. Don't get me wrong, I do like this girl a ton and I'd like to do anything to get to repair what we had, but this is also getting a little stressful.

This weekend, she talked to me again after I gave her a small gift of chocolate and a note and a soda, and she told me that she ripped up the note because it reminded her of the note that I had made for the other wildcard girl (the note i made for her was because I was trying to keep her from depression as a reminder* not love, but it did seem like i did love her on the outside which was purely bad). After a couple hours of her yelling at me on text, she said she needed to do her homework and I offered to do it for her under the condition that we would watch our usual show together again and she would have to be ok with me. She agreed and I did it and everything was happy and amazing.

The next day we spent talking and watching shows for 4 hours straight and laughing and everything (all over text), and everything seemed amazing and wonderful and she even called me babe twice or so like how we used to when we were together. However, this morning I woke up to her saying "hi we have to get back to reality and yesterday was fun and all, but bye" and she then said that she was upset about the letter again and I felt terrible and I tried to keep her from blocking me as long as possible, but eventually she went through and blocked me. No matter what I say, she just will say "Stop" or "we're over" but I know on the inside that she's just doing this to be dramatic to me because she'll eventually talk to me again and have a ton of fun with me, or laugh with me in class.

Furthermore, this week is finals week for my high school and I'll see her Monday, but afterwards I won't see her again until the end of summer. I had even asked her on Saturday when she was watching shows with me if she'd consider to go to the movies with me on Friday, and she said she would consider it and I think up until this morning, she would've done it for sure. There are still a couple ways I could get to her through maybe asking a mutual friend to ask her to talk to me, or I could wait, or hope she'll notice my Instagram bio (she checks it usually bc we used to even message each other that way (i know it's weird lol)), but I don't know how to make her stop feeling so terrible about the letter incident. I feel horrible and I explained it but she doesn't believe it or something. I'm not sure. I desperately need help on this because I think she does want to talk to me and have fun with me, but she then remembers the past and everything goes down hill. Any help on this would be AMAZINGLYYY appreciated.

Ah, I see, there's a time constraint that's weighing on you. Honestly, From what you've said, your attempts to contact her might actually be damaging your chances of reparations, but I can't be sure without actually being there. Working off that assumption, I only see one way forward. Either you give her space and time, or she very well may just cut all ties because she's frustrated with the situation. If you can, make sure she knows you're there, approachable, in the background, but I sure as Hell wouldn't approach her outright, for fear of pushing her further away. Maybe try just short conversations about things that are definitely NOT relationships. This is one of those, "rock and a hard place," situations. You can wait and risk summer coming without closure, or you can be forward with her, and risk hurting things more. In time, if she has cooled off enough to understand the situation and that you're genuinely trying to fix things, she'll approach you. Honestly, you have the choice between the situation maybe getting worse or not changing much, or the situation almost certainly getting worse. Not much of a choice, but decisions must be made. I'd give her as much time and space as is possible, and then some. The way I see it, maybe a summer with reduced contact (not no contact, just less) might be good for things between you guys. This all depending on what school years you guys are in. Hope that helps.

Thank you so much for the response and sorry for the delay, but you are right about that kind of stuff and maybe you are right about waiting. I'm not sure because as things have updated, they've gotten more complicated but also a little more easier to isolate whats the issue.

Chaosphere
May 21st, 2017, 11:11 PM
I feel horrible and I explained it but she doesn't believe it or something. I'm not sure. I desperately need help on this because I think she does want to talk to me and have fun with me, but she then remembers the past and everything goes down hill. Any help on this would be AMAZINGLYYY appreciated.

Thank you so much for the response and sorry for the delay, but you are right about that kind of stuff and maybe you are right about waiting. I'm not sure because as things have updated, they've gotten more complicated but also a little more easier to isolate whats the issue.

No problem with the delay, not really your fault. :) I'm watching your ballad of love and loss with frank interest by this point. You mentioned your options of using a mutual friend to communicate or hoping she'll notice your bio. It's an intriguing idea, getting through to her with a friend, but I suspect it may backfire. You will probably just end up alienating her from the friend you use as a middleman, as this girl of yours will probably see her friend as siding with you. I'll get this out of the way, because I sound like a broken record by now and I'm sure you want me to get to the advice concerning relational repairs. This girl sounds SERIOUSLY immature. I'll explain how I got to that possible conclusion in a second.

Should you continue pursuing this girl, I recommend holding back a bit with open confrontation. Use the power of passive contact, that being your Instagram bio, to keep yourself in the back of her mind. That way, it doesn't seem to her like you're just trying to take her back because the other thing didn't work out, and she's plan B.

This is all based on what you've told me, and I'm an outsider, without all the information, so I'm working with what you've told me. You describe it as you guys having fun together, then she "remembers," that she is mad at you and acts, "dramatic." If she's really just being dramatic, then that's bad enough on her part and she sounds like a diva. I think something else is at work here. I think her default state, the one she usually feels, is hostile toward you, not friendly and just hurt. It sounds a lot like she's just using you for some enjoyment and fun, then gets bored and makes you chase her for a bit longer, dangling the friendly carrot in front of you a bit more.

Obviously, I can't be sure, but I'd hate to see you wasting your time, energy, and opportunities on someone who's moved on. Whether my theory is correct, and whether she does this consciously or unconsciously, is irrelevant and it seems that she wants to get back at you. You made a mistake, but she's making it worse by ignoring your attempts to make up for it.

Hopefully some of this helps you out. I can imagine that it's frustrating to have such a dynamic situation developing and I'm more or less coming back with the same reply every time (either wait or move on from her) but it's the best I can come up with, based on the data I have to work with. My interests lie with the side of the argument that has enlisted my advisory services, and so that means that I want to see everything work out in the best way possible for you in the end. Feel free to drop me a visitor message or a PM when you get 100 posts, and I may be able to help you more. Best of luck to you.