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View Full Version : I'm worried about a girl i'm in a relationship with getting back with her ex?


kittycat72
May 3rd, 2017, 09:09 PM
Hi everyones, I'm sorry for making so many posts about issues but i'm having difficulties and it'd be amazing to get some feedback.

Now I said "girl i'm in a relationship with" because we aren't "technically" dating yet because I her parents banned me from talking to her temporarily until she finishes school (grades weren't good) and as were mine lol, but we do love each other (or at least I know I do love her) and she said we'll date over the summer and go out places, etc. We have known each other for about 3-4 years and she says shes loved me for the past couple years, and admitted that she wanted to be with me if she could've decided between me and her boyfriend at the time. We're pretty close and we've kissed and she's said a lot of sweet things and some things that she's never said to previous boyfriends, so I feel a sense of security that she does love me.

However, during the period she's been banned to talk to me, her ex-boyfriend (who was in a relationship with her for 2-3 years (ended really weirdly because he really just used her for sexual matters)) started talking to her again after 8 months of their breakup, and at first she told me that she didn't want to respond and she constantly just didn't open his messages. But as time progressed, they're literally messaging rapidly to each other, for instance she is in another class and I'm in a different class sitting next to the ex because we are minorly friends, and I see him messaging her every 30 seconds on snapchat in the chat. Now I really don't like to be controlling or weird or anything, but this matter makes me feel weird because I feel controlling in a bad manor, but I also feel like she shouldn't be doing this (she messages him literally every period, everyday she has her phone). Me on the other hand, she doesn't message me because she's not allowed to, even though technically she could probably easily sneakily send me messages.

It hurts me crazy because I love her and care for her so much, but she literally seems so invested in her ex and when I do talk to her during the one period I have with her, I question her and she used to say stuff like "I haven't talked to him for a couple hours" and she shows me her phone with the unread message, (to which i feel relieved), and then recently she's been literally constantly messaging him during the period I have with her, holding the phone up to her face so I don't even see the messages. I'm really scared out of my mind even writing about it because it makes me really think about the situation. I ask her recently and she says "I'm not interested in dating him, and he's not interested in dating" and refers to him as being her friend, and today I told her I saw them messaging a ton and said I read some of their messages over his shoulder and saw some "more then just friends" things, which was kinda a bluff, but I did see some stuff that was odd, to which she said he did flirt with her, but they brushed it off. Like what the heckkk

I ask her if she loves me and if shes sure she wants to be with me, and she says she does, and she gets kinda lightly pissed because I recently keep worrying about this and she even said "if you don't trust me, then I won't date you" and I don't know how to take that.

She's the love of my life (from what I know as being a teen though) and I suggestively want advice that can help me sit down and have a conversation with her about this and settle it for good. Can someone please help me with that if possible? I would be so thankful because right now it stresses me all day because it just infuriates me and then when I see her, it all goes away because I feel like it's finally done and i can be ok, but then it restarts the next day.

Please if anyone can help, thank you so much because I need everything I can right now to lift me up a bit to fix this messed up situation. Thank you again!

Uniquemind
May 4th, 2017, 12:07 AM
Trust her and let this go.

You can't control what she does that goes for the rest of life.

It is as she said, trust her or don't and breakup.

You're already on her bad side because you pestered her about the issue more than once.

kittycat72
May 4th, 2017, 12:19 AM
Trust her and let this go.

You can't control what she does that goes for the rest of life.

It is as she said, trust her or don't and breakup.

You're already on her bad side because you pestered her about the issue more than once.

But there are situations where in the one period I have with her, she will pull out her phone every minute just to reply to him, even if i'm talking to her she'll do it. It pisses me off because it makes me feel like i'm less important than him. Do I just let that slide? Or do I at least maybe tell her?

And I feel like she just doesn't want to talk to me on her phone, like as in she could easily find a secret way to talk to me without people (her parents,friends) knowing it's me, and she didn't seem interested.

I want to trust her, I really do, but its somethings that make me just too anxious.

Thank you so much for the reply!

Uniquemind
May 4th, 2017, 02:03 PM
But there are situations where in the one period I have with her, she will pull out her phone every minute just to reply to him, even if i'm talking to her she'll do it. It pisses me off because it makes me feel like i'm less important than him. Do I just let that slide? Or do I at least maybe tell her?

And I feel like she just doesn't want to talk to me on her phone, like as in she could easily find a secret way to talk to me without people (her parents,friends) knowing it's me, and she didn't seem interested.

I want to trust her, I really do, but its somethings that make me just too anxious.

Thank you so much for the reply!


I'll also add that you might be right, that she is doing some things that in general are just rude.

I suspect they are just friends, but perhaps maybe she does appreciate his company or conversation on some things, especially in the context that she's banned from you. Maybe they're even friends with benefits with an acknowledgement that no relationship will occur between them feelings wise.
( she dodged this by saying they weren't dating, not that they weren't messing around).


I don't know, but your best card is to hold your head up high, and either breakup because you found evidence of cheating, or trust her.

You want to avoid the fine line of coming across as having paranoid personality versus voicing a fair complaint as a significant other.

Unless you want to get all fancy pantsy stalkerish on her, (which I do NOT advise and is probably illegal), the simple solution is break up or trust her.

Also even if you do breakup, understand each person in a relationship is vulnerable to getting cheated on.

Obviously you see adults committing revenge crimes over this same dynamic of relationships you find yourself in now on local news, it's part of the feminism and anti-feminist debate regarding the court system especially in married couples. How to maturely walk away from someone you previously cared about to a large degree and still be okay.

That's a tough skill, but based on her response to you, it sounds like she mastered that skill when she gave you an ultimatum about trust her or breakup...seems cold to me.

However in a broader view, understand that if her Ex secretly does want her back (despite what she says), you are playing right into his hands by allowing her to see your "possessive/territorial/controlling" side, a side many girls will see as bad, and allows a foundational comparison. What this sets up is a situation where she can compare her Ex (and his previously already experienced bad side) to your negative qualities and do another comparison. Given her ex is familiar sometimes we go back to an ex because suddenly the current partner became a control freak, and a forgiving nature wants us to forgive an ex sometimes, and good sexual memories sometimes influences that decision either, especially if sexual angst is not being released because of a "ban" on it.



Get the bigger picture? If you want more advice from me I can only offer it via PM. But idk if you're able to PM so this might have to do.

kittycat72
May 4th, 2017, 03:29 PM
I'll also add that you might be right, that she is doing some things that in general are just rude.

I suspect they are just friends, but perhaps maybe she does appreciate his company or conversation on some things, especially in the context that she's banned from you. Maybe they're even friends with benefits with an acknowledgement that no relationship will occur between them feelings wise.
( she dodged this by saying they weren't dating, not that they weren't messing around).


I don't know, but your best card is to hold your head up high, and either breakup because you found evidence of cheating, or trust her.

You want to avoid the fine line of coming across as having paranoid personality versus voicing a fair complaint as a significant other.

Unless you want to get all fancy pantsy stalkerish on her, (which I do NOT advise and is probably illegal), the simple solution is break up or trust her.

Also even if you do breakup, understand each person in a relationship is vulnerable to getting cheated on.

Obviously you see adults committing revenge crimes over this same dynamic of relationships you find yourself in now on local news, it's part of the feminism and anti-feminist debate regarding the court system especially in married couples. How to maturely walk away from someone you previously cared about to a large degree and still be okay.

That's a tough skill, but based on her response to you, it sounds like she mastered that skill when she gave you an ultimatum about trust her or breakup...seems cold to me.

However in a broader view, understand that if her Ex secretly does want her back (despite what she says), you are playing right into his hands by allowing her to see your "possessive/territorial/controlling" side, a side many girls will see as bad, and allows a foundational comparison. What this sets up is a situation where she can compare her Ex (and his previously already experienced bad side) to your negative qualities and do another comparison. Given her ex is familiar sometimes we go back to an ex because suddenly the current partner became a control freak, and a forgiving nature wants us to forgive an ex sometimes, and good sexual memories sometimes influences that decision either, especially if sexual angst is not being released because of a "ban" on it.



Get the bigger picture? If you want more advice from me I can only offer it via PM. But idk if you're able to PM so this might have to do.

Thank you so much, that really does help me a ton, and I'm really sorry for asking questions and stuff still, but I just have one last question: do you think maybe I should try to talk to her and ask such questions, but more so come off not so controlling and more so just a concerned partner? I feel like if she just told me to my face that she loves me and only me and that she isn't going to touch any other guy, then I'd feel much more comfortable.

Is there any quick advice on that you could help me with? Thank you so much!

kittycat72
May 4th, 2017, 04:01 PM
You people throw around that word 'love' like it's nothing.. you know love is something a lot more complex, right?

I try not to use love because I don't know love honestly too well, but from what I do feel at the moment and for the past few years, I know I do have strong feelings for this girl.

Uniquemind
May 4th, 2017, 04:45 PM
Thank you so much, that really does help me a ton, and I'm really sorry for asking questions and stuff still, but I just have one last question: do you think maybe I should try to talk to her and ask such questions, but more so come off not so controlling and more so just a concerned partner? I feel like if she just told me to my face that she loves me and only me and that she isn't going to touch any other guy, then I'd feel much more comfortable.

Is there any quick advice on that you could help me with? Thank you so much!

Well the fact you already confronted her about the subject lessens your power and presentation now given you already broached the subject once.

You need to pull her aside one on one, and explain how certain actions she's doing carries this non-verbal meaning in contrast to how she used to treat you in what you thought was good and well. And that yes you do care about her, but given the tone that you guys are monogamous (was this outrightly defined or loosely assumed?) how is it fair to have flirty conversations with her ex versus not with you despite the ban in place. (You have red hot evidence you didn't give such details in your OP).

You also have to admit to her that YES part of this comes from a place of insecurity, and possessiveness, but despite that it's origins come from wanting good communication in the relationship going forward with clear understandings of each other's boundaries with others that are reasonable or at least transparent. Trust is important but so is verification of that trust, especially when an ex is involved. Did her ban on seeing you affect her and you in this situation?


Ask her to see it from your perspective and with that perspective explain why it's upsetting to you and why transparency is not necessarily the same as paranoia.

How she reacts will tell you if she's good for you beyond the honeymoon stage of this relationship, if she gets defensive she might be hiding something.


Problems like these also indicate to me that when you started the relationship, you didn't sit down and set ground rules to what is and isn't appropriate and what would put you two at odds with each other rather than being on the same page.

Because if you do get serious, married couples need to be on the same page most of the time. If they aren't the marriage breaks apart.


Honestly I'd classify your relationship as only a casual-sexual one, it's not serious until you move on from communication problems like this. How each partner manages their social network in a fair and honest way is a key stepping stone for advancing a serious relationship.


---


If you've already done this, then there's not much you can do except decide to breakup or put up with her. I advise breakup.

NerdSquared
May 5th, 2017, 05:10 PM
You people throw around that word 'love' like it's nothing.. you know love is something a lot more complex, right?

I think love can only be defined based off of someone's past experiences. In the OP's case, they have not experienced any feelings quite like this, so it is, to them, love, even if it wouldn't be to others.



As for the original question, you are probably right, she really should stop texting him so much, but I would just drop it for now. Sometimes your best option is to just let stuff go.

Uniquemind
May 5th, 2017, 08:56 PM
I think love can only be defined based off of someone's past experiences. In the OP's case, they have not experienced any feelings quite like this, so it is, to them, love, even if it wouldn't be to others.



As for the original question, you are probably right, she really should stop texting him so much, but I would just drop it for now. Sometimes your best option is to just let stuff go.

I agree with this.

Uniquemind
May 6th, 2017, 03:35 AM
Even though the matter of justification of love is of large significance on its own, understanding the precise value of love more clearly is also of importance. Sometimes our intuition can be misleading.

When what is viewed as 'love' is to be, more appropriately, considered as liking, and what differentiates - just liking a certain person, and truly loving them ? There is general difference in the nature and dimensions of our feelings towards others, no matter of case, past experiences or so on. Love can be viewed as a category of human ethics, so in explaining what it is, we must distinguish love from other positive attitudes we take towards other people, such as liking. Indeed, love does differ greatly from other similar attitudes such as 'liking' in terms of its 'depth'. We should understand 'liking' to be an issue pertaining more to desire, an attitude that at best involves its addressee having a rather instrumental(not intrinsic) value.

We should simply ask ourselves - do we integrally love the individual themself, rather than their 'assets' ? Loving is understanding that the object of our affection is irreplaceable in such a sense - that simply no other could take their place without loss. If that is not true that should not be classified as love. Everyone should think-through the difference between loving and liking.



In short - wanting to get inside somebodies panties is not love.


Which begs the question at what point does the message of love, imply possession and sexual exclusivity and loyalty in the physical sense?

At some point humankind evolved from basic animals who probably had pair-bond preferences but screwed around on each other back then as well. Genes dictating each individual be it male or female to spread their genetic code to maximize variation and survival.

To paraphrase is the expectation humanity places upon itself socially, with monogamy, a bad foundation to then get upset over when there's been ample evidence of cheating statistics of 60% across the species and across both genders, let alone widening that statistic if you consider bi-sexual opportunities to cheat wherein those individuals are attracted to either gender and opportunity to break a monogamous relationship.

On the flip side, guys are just as manipulative and liars as girls are when it comes to stringing partners along, except in my opinion they are more direct in how they cheat, girls hide cheating behavior better from my observations.

Uniquemind
May 6th, 2017, 07:35 AM
At the point two people decide to agree to being in a closed relationship.

Actually there are very few animals who behave like humans, but there are some who do. No matter what type of animals do or don't, we can not put an equilibrium between human and animal today.

Cheating is a choice. As self aware beings we can choose to do it or not and can contemplate the consequences. Yes, women for a fact are better at lying, especially about cheating, and are more likely to have multiple partners, convinced they're the only one, at the same time..


Humans have the potential to be self-aware. I don't think many people actually are and spend most of their life exploring and developing that sense of self.

The concept of choice, also becomes blurred when drugs and alcohol reduce the human mind to that of an animal. A lot of cheating occurrences happen in this context so no, I stand by my argument that humans are not exactly special, we just think ourselves to be, maybe that's a bias.

I would of course only compare humans to the primate family, it only makes sense, especially Bonobos.


Also here's a point I was going to make earlier but forgot.

Open relationships Vs Closed ones that end up in cheating and breakups

Given that basically the same result occurs is it not wiser to just let off pressure towards each other that judgment won't occur if one person decides to explore with someone else? Wouldn't then the emphasis be put on honest communication and safety rather than secrecy?

Std checks would be regular and everything.

Uniquemind
May 6th, 2017, 08:36 AM
Regardless of what you think humans are the only known species that are in entirety self-aware by nature, whether some employ it or not is a whole other question.

Taking drugs and alcohol, knowing their effects, is still a choice and not an excuse for irresponsible behaviour.

Again - cheating or not is a choice, and if you want to have sex with anyone so much, what's the point of being in a relationship, but that's just my opinion.

I digress, but also no I do partially disagree with the drugs and alcohol thing because we know what those substances do to the brain and therefore subsequent decision making.

The only reason why we say it's not an "excuse" is for legal reasons in my opinion.

But the premise is that you have the brain function to then be held accountable, then why is it when substances impairing you as if those brain structures are broken, that you are held accountable? Again it's a moral debate that's status quo'd.

I for this reason personally don't use anything because I feel this is a grey area society needs to figure out. The issue also encompasses prescription drug abuse too.

But I've been near wild social gatherings where I suspect spiked punch or outright opiates were circulating around, it gets wild and stupid and dangerous.

NerdSquared
May 7th, 2017, 10:33 AM
What happened to all of @KenKappa 's posts?