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SandyBay
April 21st, 2017, 07:14 AM
Hi all,
Ok so my sexuality. It has been something I've purposely ignored for a long time; "swept under the rug" if you may. I'm 18 and I haven't done anything with either gender, and not because I can't but just because I haven't.. been.. looking for it..? So even since I was young I've been feminine, wanting dresses and dolls as a child. I later grew to see this as "wrong", strongly influenced by my homophobic father and homophobic society. So I hid that aspect as best as I could. I often masturbate to gay porn and once, when I was young, my dad caught me but we never spoke about it. But this is not just a simple closet case. You see I've never thought about having a relationship with a man and I don't think I ever wish to. I don't see myself as gay if that makes sense, just sexually attracted to men...? I've never seen guys that way. Emotionally, I'm straight, in fact I have a major crush on a girl right now, who I've liked for the past few years. But that doesn't stop the fact sexually I'm confused. Instead of facing this confusion I've internalised it, scared if I tried anything with a girl I'd screw it up somehow (it also doesn't help I'm incredibly shy) and scared if I tried anything with a guy I'd be outed as gay. So why am I here, why now? Well things are finally coming to a boil; that "rug" is getting pretty full and the mess I swept under there is starting to seep out all at once like a dam about to burst. I've kind of started taking this girl I like out on dates and I'm afraid of the sex if I'll be perfectly honest (that's a statement not often heard by an 18 year old boy). My younger, much more masculine brother is now boasting his sexual endeavours at parties and pressuring me to do the same. I'm suddenly going to many uni parties with a higher pressure for sex. And finally, as I just overheard an hour ago, my incredibly homophobic dad "fears" I am gay. I've always prided myself for being myself, keeping nothing hidden, but when I myself don't know... I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. So whilst I was sitting in the bathtub, alone, kinda crying, kinda just numb, wondering what is to become, knowing I'd have to take some kind of definitive step soon or else I'll end up alone and forever frustrated confused and unhappy; I remembered this website for when I was young, first wondering what these sexual feeling for men were, if I was just "curious" and I decided to come back and rant on for a while and possibly get advice. It's common to feel alone but I guess if you never reach out you'll never know if anyone else is with you. :what:

Raven Foxx
April 21st, 2017, 07:35 AM
Hi all,
Ok so my sexuality. It has been something I've purposely ignored for a long time; "swept under the rug" if you may. I'm 18 and I haven't done anything with either gender, and not because I can't but just because I haven't.. been.. looking for it..? So even since I was young I've been feminine, wanting dresses and dolls as a child. I later grew to see this as "wrong", strongly influenced by my homophobic father and homophobic society. So I hid that aspect as best as I could. I often masturbate to gay porn and once, when I was young, my dad caught me but we never spoke about it. But this is not just a simple closet case. You see I've never thought about having a relationship with a man and I don't think I ever wish to. I don't see myself as gay if that makes sense, just sexually attracted to men...? I've never seen guys that way. Emotionally, I'm straight, in fact I have a major crush on a girl right now, who I've liked for the past few years. But that doesn't stop the fact sexually I'm confused. Instead of facing this confusion I've internalised it, scared if I tried anything with a girl I'd screw it up somehow (it also doesn't help I'm incredibly shy) and scared if I tried anything with a guy I'd be outed as gay. So why am I here, why now? Well things are finally coming to a boil; that "rug" is getting pretty full and the mess I swept under there is starting to seep out all at once like a dam about to burst. I've kind of started taking this girl I like out on dates and I'm afraid of the sex if I'll be perfectly honest (that's a statement not often heard by an 18 year old boy). My younger, much more masculine brother is now boasting his sexual endeavours at parties and pressuring me to do the same. I'm suddenly going to many uni parties with a higher pressure for sex. And finally, as I just overheard an hour ago, my incredibly homophobic dad "fears" I am gay. I've always prided myself for being myself, keeping nothing hidden, but when I myself don't know... I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. So whilst I was sitting in the bathtub, alone, kinda crying, kinda just numb, wondering what is to become, knowing I'd have to take some kind of definitive step soon or else I'll end up alone and forever frustrated confused and unhappy; I remembered this website for when I was young, first wondering what these sexual feeling for men were, if I was just "curious" and I decided to come back and rant on for a while and possibly get advice. It's common to feel alone but I guess if you never reach out you'll never know if anyone else is with you. :what:
I'm gay too, buddy. You can talk to me if needed. :D