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ProudThread598
April 21st, 2017, 12:24 AM
Hi all!
I posted another lyric update a couple days ago on the Relationships and Dating subsection and a staff member moved my post to the Open Book section because they said it would get more feedback. However, it didn't so I'm making one here because it's a song for my girlfriend.
Anyway, I can't think of a good first verse but feel free to give me any feedback! Much appreciated:


A song for Madeline

Requirements:
- Reform lyrics
- New chord progressions (4 chord progression will probably work)
- MAKE BRIDGE/FIRST VERSE


VERSE 1: D/Dsus4/D/Dsus2, C/Csus2, Em, G (cheesy 4-chord progression)











CHORUS

For you I'd do anything
I don't know how I can describe
How much you mean to me
It reminds me that I'm alive


VERSE 2
I felt lost in the dark
The moon was a sliver in the sky
Then a beam of light breaks the night
I saw someone in my eye

I couldn't believe it
I thought it was a dream
Then I had a realization
It was really you


CHORUS

For you I'd do anything
I don't know how I can describe
How much you mean to me
It reminds me I'm alive


VERSE 3
I've always imagined
A star-lit crisp night
The only sound out there
Is silence

We're out in the night
Laying down in the blackout
Fingers interlocked and staring at each other
Hoping this will never end


---------------------




Verse Ideas:
Your eyes remind me of the ocean
Deep blue and powerful as the raging sea

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CHORUS IDEAS:

Bring me your light
Shine like a star, strong and bright
The water continues flowing
My true feelings showing

ProudThread598
April 21st, 2017, 11:51 PM
Any feedback?

Seraph
April 22nd, 2017, 01:43 PM
It's good but it's missing something. I think you should make it a bit longer and add a little more description, I myself have written many poems and I think your song should have a bit more symbolism.

Also, I think it would be better if it rhymes alternately and all of it does, so that the first line rhymes to the third and second to the fourth, your song doesn't rhyme very well.