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ItsJustSomeone
April 2nd, 2017, 11:03 PM
So, to make it clear: I've never been diagnosed with any sort of anxiety disorder. I've always been known to be a constant worrier, even at a young age. I had my first panic attacks around the end of 5th grade, but my parents disregarded it and pretty much told me to get over it, because I was going crazy. Since then, my anxiety has gone down drastically, but it's more like a wavelength, I'd say. I can go months without a full blown panic attack; the last one I had was last October. I'll have little episodes of anxiety in between, but they're not massive. I've always been a massive overthinker, and have little routines (ex. washing hands a whole bunch, pacing around) that make me feel a whole lot safer. I've had these weird episodes where I can stay depressed and numb for a week, then pull myself out of it.

These little waves and episodes are often triggered by social situations, surprisingly. Last year, I had a 3 day long panic attack over a fight with a friend- I couldn't even go to school because it was too strong. Then, good half a year later I had another episode like that because I had met this really nice guy, and I couldn't talk to him without feeling like I was going to die of:

A. Embarrassment
B. Puking or
C. Extreme anxiety.

Nowadays, I just feel generally lonely and depressed because I have no friends, I detest my school, the weather makes me depressed and I just don't know what to do. I wish I could talk to people, but I always, always feel they'll reject me, that I'm not their type, or I'm too eager or just a freak. It keeps me from making meaningful connections. Love interests are a distant thought, mainly because of the anxiety of having to express myself to anyone in a more than just platonic way at all. My grades haunt me constantly. The future haunts me. And I just feel ashamed, because I have so many wonderful things in my life, but I feel as if I'm so distant that I can't even see them. I just feel awful, because I don't want to seem like I'm complaining all the time but I really feel like shit sometimes.

These feelings have been lasting for ages now, and I want it to be over. I honestly don't know if this is a teenager thing, an actual issue, or both entwined into one hellish kind of surprise bag of some sort. My parents have become much more open about my mental health now, and I could certainly get some help if I need it. But I don't want to seem like a drama queen, because again, my anxiety and depression isn't constant (episodes, waves) and I'm afraid this is just a part of growing up that I'm exaggerating.

Could I actually have some sort of anxiety disorder, like social or general or something? I know I can't just diagnose myself, but would these experiences sound like anything that matches up with depression, anxiety, ect.? And, what should I do at this point; should I consider a psychologist?

KatieCO2003
April 3rd, 2017, 12:56 AM
Um, yeah. Pretty sure thats anxiety. For me, talking on the phone, having to order food at a counter, checking out at a grocery store... I'd rather be shot. Like sometimes, I can't even talk. And talking... I love to talk to people but then I always feel like I say too much or the wrong thing or people think I'm a total dork or that I'm annoying and they wish I'd go away. And then I sit around hating myself or feeling stupid.

maddogmj77
April 3rd, 2017, 01:21 AM
I can't believe how much I can relate to this honestly.
Always worrying, over-thinking, the small routines.

When I try speaking sometimes, I just... can't. I feel like I'm "going to die" is the best way to explain it.
The overwhelming fear of embarrassment, judgement, rejection, feeling like you have to puke, imagining the worst possible outcomes.

When I try to speak to my dad and I get that anxiety, I end-up mumbling everything.
He gets pissed off at me, and says "You're doing this on purpose, you're trying to piss me off".
Which isn't true, I don't want to, I'm trying to speak, I just... can't.
So he gets mad at me, I'm mad at myself for not being able to talk, and I end up getting mad at him, and I usually end up lashing out.
Furthering his point that I'm trying to piss him off.

Nowadays however, I just give up on trying to communicate, if I can't get it out, it's not worth it. And I sulk on it.
I'm lonely, depressed, have no friends, I hate school, not sure what to do. I want to make friends too sometimes, but I assume everyone will reject me.
So I can't make any connections, not with my parents, not with my brother, not with my friends, not with anybody.

I've been like this for as long as I can remember, but I've never said anything about it. I always thought that I just needed to "get over it".
I didn't even understand what it was for the longest time.

But yes, what you have sounds like some sort of social anxiety, which has led to isolation, loneliness, & depression. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you.

I have managed to get myself to a therapist, although I haven't been able to speak to her.
I'm still here trying I guess, some days it just doesn't feel worth it.

I think you should try getting yourself to a mental health professional, & try to explain what's going on.
I know how hard it can be, I haven't even been able to follow my own advice. Anxiety is able to defeat even the best of reason & logic.

KatieCO2003
April 3rd, 2017, 02:12 AM
When I try speaking sometimes, I just... can't. I feel like I'm "going to die" is the best way to explain it.
The overwhelming fear of embarrassment, judgement, rejection, feeling like you have to puke, imagining the worst possible outcomes.


This. Mygod, so much this. And its funny b/c if I'm writing or typing, I'm fine. But in person... I try so hard to be normal, but no matter what I say or do, I usually find myself replaying every word for hours afterwords and hating everything I did or said.

maddogmj77
April 4th, 2017, 12:16 PM
This. Mygod, so much this. And its funny b/c if I'm writing or typing, I'm fine. But in person... I try so hard to be normal, but no matter what I say or do, I usually find myself replaying every word for hours afterwords and hating everything I did or said.

I usually end up hating everything that I say. I can't stand going back and reading any of my old posts, or messages or anything.

ItsJustSomeone
April 4th, 2017, 03:42 PM
Well, it seems we're all on the same boat, then. It's not the happiest boat, but it's nice to know I'm not alone, so thanks for that. Hopefully I'll be going to the doctor for this soon and see what I can do... at this point, the one thing that's keeping me up is the summer. I just love to sit under the sun, all alone in the grass- and somehow, that makes me feel less lonely, as if I'm connected to everything else in this world. No talking, no germs, no routines, no school, nothing at all but myself. It's hard to describe, but the hopes of being able to do that again soon keeps me going.

Just JT
April 4th, 2017, 05:15 PM
I have some anxiety. Not to bad really, usually around triggers I s learned to manage mostly. Sometimes I can't. Meds do help

But I'd say yeah you sound like you might have some anxiety stuff going on.
Best thing you asked was if you should seek some professional help. Yeah, I would, a psychiatrist/psychologist can help with that a lot

KatieCO2003
April 4th, 2017, 10:51 PM
at this point, the one thing that's keeping me up is the summer. I just love to sit under the sun, all alone in the grass- and somehow, that makes me feel less lonely, as if I'm connected to everything else in this world.

I'm looking forward to summer as well. Dunno if I mentioned it, but I live on a cattle ranch way up in the mountains. I'm pretty sure its an alpine meadow when its thawed, and that it will be beautiful if it EVER stops freakin' snowing. Also, there are NO people here. Just cows and wild creatures. Its miserabe right now, but I think it will be better once things thaw out a bit.

ItsJustSomeone
April 5th, 2017, 07:16 PM
I'm looking forward to summer as well. Dunno if I mentioned it, but I live on a cattle ranch way up in the mountains. I'm pretty sure its an alpine meadow when its thawed, and that it will be beautiful if it EVER stops freakin' snowing. Also, there are NO people here. Just cows and wild creatures. Its miserabe right now, but I think it will be better once things thaw out a bit.

Oh, that does sound nice. I used to go to this little meadow myself as a little kid. It was full of cows, and every now and then, a goat would show up. It was always really relaxing; it looked a lot like the default Windows XP wallpaper, haha! It's a rather fond memory of mine, but there were also a bunch of sunflowers- and for some odd reason, I was horrified by sunflowers. To this day, I'm still a little creeped out by sunflowers... :lol:

KatieCO2003
April 5th, 2017, 08:41 PM
Oh, that does sound nice. I used to go to this little meadow myself as a little kid. It was full of cows, and every now and then, a goat would show up. It was always really relaxing; it looked a lot like the default Windows XP wallpaper, haha! It's a rather fond memory of mine, but there were also a bunch of sunflowers- and for some odd reason, I was horrified by sunflowers. To this day, I'm still a little creeped out by sunflowers... :lol:

Awe. Don't be mean to sunflowers. They're such happy little things. We have wild sunflowers here that grow along the roads, and north of Denver where I used to live, farmers actually grow the big ones. Watch out for those goats though!