View Full Version : How to deal with a homophobic mother?

February 18th, 2017, 08:21 PM
Over the past few year or so I've been slowly realizing I'm bi and it's scary as I know some day my mum will find out.
We are originally from East Europe and during her life up, until 90s homosexuality was illegal and I think because it was so frowned upon a lot of now adults - including her - grew up very homophobic.
She'll find out one day and I just don't know how to deal with it. I'd talk to her but... she really isn't a fan of gay people. And it just frustrates me as sometimes she says such things I want to punch the wall.
Maybe I should just never tell her? Any tips? Thanks.

February 18th, 2017, 08:50 PM
In this case hate is caused by ignorance, it blinds and it corrodes until there is nothing decent left. It all depends how far down the rabbit hole your mother truly is. I've argued with other adults who have stated they'd disown their child if he were gay. Usually they use religion as an excuse.

You could find someone she greatly admires/respects who she doesn't know is gay... I'm really scrambling for options here. Even if she does begin to reconsider her stance, it would take a very long period to change fully to accepting. Look at the amount of racist old people. On the other hand, if you end up marrying a man (assuming you're a guy) that's going to make it very obvious...

In the past homosexuals used to just sneak off and live together in remote locations. I say tell her to go to hell if she hates you for it, but I understand that may be very painful for you. Wish I had better suggestions, sorry :/.

~ Clara

February 19th, 2017, 03:48 AM
Honestly, in that position, I'd just not worry about it. Rather, just wait to cross that bridge once you get there. You are assuming she will find out you are bi. But it's possible she may not, especially not if, in the end, you end up in a heterosexual relationship (if you are bi it could end up one of two ways, only one of which may require "explaining" to your mother).

Maybe, gradually, you could comment on gay-related current events (i.e. pride parade, or a particular figure that you admire or look up to, or something that shows or suggests how it might not be all that bad -it all depends on the news and what is reported). Not necessarily admit it or say anything about you to your mother, but just comment every once in a while about something you find in the news. Slowly in this way, you can begin to show your leniency or acceptance or at least tolerance of homosexuality.

Other than this, however, I would suggest not to worry about this until you have to. Even then you have to think about what you are willing to do and let happen. Would your mom disown you? Are you prepared for that to happen if it would get to that? Do you think you could eventually convince your mom to understand or accept you?

Lastly, do you feel the need to tell your mom right now about this? Are you currently in such a relationship that you think she will find out soon? Or are you just worried about some future, unmarked date when this may or may not happen?

February 19th, 2017, 03:51 PM
If u still live at home-keep it to urself
unless u want to live with more tension.
If and when u get to go on ur own then
it is up to u if u want to get it off ur mind.
A lot of homophobes r set in their ways and
it seems u r not going to change their minds.
I would Try and not worry bout it for now.

February 20th, 2017, 02:18 PM
You may want to hold off for a while on telling your mom. When I came out as gay to my parents they both totally flipped out. It took some time and a lot of uncomfortable times but they eventually accepted me and now we get along fine. Just make sure when you do tell her that you are prepared mentally to respond to her and have answers and defenses ready to react. Good luck.

February 22nd, 2017, 12:10 AM
It's potentially unrealistic to think that she'll never find out. What if you do end up having a same-sex spouse?

I've sort of been in your shoes. My dad is a pretty conservative dude, and was quite uncomfortable upon finding out that he has 4 bisexual daughters. But that's fine with me because he doesn't let it affect his relationship with his children. So it's best to come to an understanding if possible.

Just because she doesn't like every aspect of who you are, that doesn't mean she won't love you. Hopefully she understands that she doesn't have to let it affect her relationship with you, and perhaps you could instill that mindset in her if you ever decide to come out to her. Never be ashamed or apologetic of who you are.

February 23rd, 2017, 07:45 AM
If you truly believe there is no chance that she'll ever accept you then it would be best to refrain from telling her, especially whilst you're young. There's stories of kids being thrown out of their homes just for announcing who they truly are. Whilst you're in a position where you rely on your mother for basic things, it's best not to jeopardise that. That said, I don't actually know how old you are.

I wouldn't like to say that a mother will always love her child, regardless of who they are because there are instances where parents do disown their children simply because of their sexuality. Whilst that is wrong and, in my opinion, disgusting - it is a fact. The sad reality is, if you truly believe your mother would hate your sexuality and you want to retain a relationship sometimes hiding it could be your best bet.

Family isn't everything. I'm lucky enough to have a mum who doesn't mind who I am, but my dad not so much. I've learned that you don't need people who breed negativity in your life; whether that is a parent, sibling or a friend.