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Karkat
February 23rd, 2014, 05:44 PM
Alright, so as I've probably stated a few times before, my parents are abusive. All of them. I'm currently living with my mom and stepdad, who are a bit less abusive than my dad is. (My stepmom used to abuse me a lot, but she has gotten FAR better in recent years.)

I'll tell you a little of what goes on at my mom's house (I haven't seen my dad in two years, and I don't plan on seeing him again until I'm of legal age- he's irrelevant for this conversation.)


Until I was almost 16, I wasn't allowed to walk anywhere- not even the bus stop or the mailbox- without talking to my mom on the phone. When I was in middle school, I was allowed to cross the street to go to the grocery store and wait to be picked up after school if I did afterschool classes. That was it.

As of late January this year, I'm not allowed to leave the house unless she's with me due to medical reasons...Thing is my mom is disabled, and has been sick with a virus for the past three weeks.

My mom does not approve of me showing any signs of attraction towards anyone. Fictional or nonfictional, it's not allowed. One time, I developed a crush on a guy in 5th grade, and my mom told me I was a horrible, rotten kid. In 7th grade, I went to a dance with my best friend, and my mom accused me of sleeping with him, and threatened to send me to live with my dad.

She does not approve of me acknowledging anything of a sexual nature, or even thinking about my own sexual health. Once my old therapist recommended that I went to the gynecologist to get used to it before I had to do it on my own. My mom told me that only sluts go to the gynecologist before they're 18. She reprimanded me, calling me a whore, and telling me that she was going to send me to live with my dad if I didn't tell her who I slept with. Eventually she backed down, but not before telling me how much of an immoral, ungodly child she had.

She does not approve of me being mentally ill. She refuses to put me on any medication even though I am bipolar (which REQUIRES medication), have severe anxiety disorder, and severe ADHD, and may not graduate highschool because of it. I can't function. She insists that I want for there to be something wrong with me. She tells me to kill myself when I even hint at being suicidal. She constantly tells me to shut up and be happy because my life isn't that bad compared to hers. She refuses to acknowledge any mental illness I have. She shrugs it off. If I'm in bed longer than I 'should be' because I'm depressed or I had a nightmare, she yells at me for upwards of an hour, telling me how worthless and irresponsible I am. If I forget something, or I'm having difficulty with schoolwork, or I get distracted, she'll yell at me. If I try to say ANYTHING along the lines of "I'm sorry, my ADHD is bothering me a little right now", she will ground me. If I have an anxiety attack, or a panic attack, she accuses me of lying to her about something, because I "have nothing to cry about". If it's at night when I should be sleeping, she tells me she'll "give me something to cry about" if I don't shut up and go to sleep anyways. If I tell her I have a nightmare, she'll tell me to shut up because nightmares aren't that bad. If she sees me on the computer at any given time, she'll tell me how useless I am. She won't let me get tested for any other mental illness. One time when I was younger, she was talking to someone about my autistic cousin, and I related to a lot of what she described. I asked her if I was autistic, and she screamed "DO YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING TO BE WRONG WITH YOU?"

I'm a recovering alcoholic. When I came out to my mom about being an alcoholic, she poured all the liquor down the drain, and that was it. She didn't feel the need to find me help at all. She'd let my stepdad bring beers home, didn't care. My stepdad would tell me how much of a worthless drunk I was, and if he'd have a beer and I was in the house, he'd wave it in front of my face and go "want some?" My mom doesn't care. She's also said that if I ever try to drink alcohol again, she'll take everything away from me, and make me live in a room with a cot.

She doesn't like for me to have friends. In late elementary and middle school, she tolerated me having five or so friends at any given time. She'd tell me I was stupid for hanging out with them half the time, and that it was immoral to have friends. Occasionally she'd let them come over, but not before telling me how rotten of a child I was for wanting to bring kids over to her house. She wouldn't let me go over to anyone else's house. I was not allowed to hang out with any guys. I was not allowed to talk about guys. I was not allowed to say that guys were my friends. I was called a slut if I mentioned a name that sounded even distinctly male. She doesn't want me to talk to anyone other than my family.

That's just my mom. My stepdad isn't nearly as abusive, but he essentially tells me how worthless I am. He accuses me of lying about the way I feel to get out of things. He's told me to my face that I'm just a bitch and that he "KNOWS" there isn't anything physically or mentally wrong with me. He's called me a slut for no reason, and accuses me of sleeping with my female friends. He's also told me how stupid I am for ever feeling suicidal. That I'm a weak, worthless coward for ever having tried to kill myself. Out of the blue. We were driving in the car one day, and he brought up one time that I'd tried to kill myself YEARS before and started harassing me for it. He tells me that I'm too spoiled, I spend too much money on "shit". (as in a proper-fitting bra, proper-fitting jeans [I require a 36-38 inch inseam on jeans that aren't skinny jeans], a decent computer for my art, etc.) He tells me that I wasn't spanked enough as a child, and that I have a bad attitude and I'm spoiled rotten. He mocks my mental illness, saying "Well I don't know why on earth you would want to have an anxiety attack. That's stupid. Just don't have them!" He constantly calls me an idiot, but acts like I'm being a slacker if I can't figure something out or I have a hard time with schoolwork. Like I'm 'faking' it.

I've rebelled against almost everything my parents tell me not to do. I don't care if I'm caught. I'm not going to cower to meet their deranged requirements. I try to hide it so that I can continue to have some semblance of a life, but I absolutely rebel. Openly. I've tried for so many years to act like my parents were wonderful or something. And for the most part I don't admit to being abused- I won't until I'm 18, because this is literally the best circumstances I have right now. My only real option is if somehow I could get emancipated or marry my boyfriend right now, and a judge wouldn't go for that. So I'm waiting my few months out here until I can bail.

I refuse to tell any authorities, family members, and most acquaintances and friends that I'm being abused. I can't go into foster care. The system here is so messed up that one time, I was babysitting a 2 year old boy with my aunt, and child services took him away, and placed him with his drug-addicted, convicted aunt. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the dad. He kept his house clean, he loved his kids and treated them great, he was a great boss, etc. His mom was a drug abuser, negligent, and reckless, and they wanted to place him with her instead.

Aside from how great the system actually is here, where I live, I have a high chance of being abused due to the way things work around here. Mental illness is not taken seriously, it means that you must be possessed by a demon, or you're a criminal. I'm 17, so I would end up being a built-in babysitter, housekeeper, who knows what. I would most likely be dragged to extensive amounts of church services I am in no way interested in. The people in the town I live in would treat me like dirt if they actually had to take care of me. They're relatively accepting of me as a person, but I don't think I can make it in even just a few short months of foster care. I'm disabled, and no one here knows how to handle disability.

I can't live with any of my relatives because they can't afford to take care of me. They don't have room for me. They're trying to support themselves as it is.

I have absolutely nowhere to go, and nothing to do for the next few months. Hopefully my unknown illness will be identified, treated, and under control so I can go back to work soon, and save up money to move out with my boyfriend, but I just don't know at this point. I'm terrified.

Any advice?

EDIT: I'd also like to add that they don't keep enough food in the house for me. They specifically only buy enough regular food for my stepdad. My mom's food is almost entirely off limits because it's expensive and she's on a special diet. Most fresh vegetables are out of date or for the animals and also off-limits. Everything else in the house is either a canned soup (which is getting scarce), canned vegetables, a bag of almonds, condiments, or frozen foods that are either highly questionable in quality (they've been in there forever), or I can't make them at the house (microwave only- we haven't had a microwave for like two years.). My stepdad cooks meals occasionally, and sometimes there will be leftovers. I'll have those. I've got some breakfast bars, oatmeal, and ramen noodles I bought when I was working. (because when I was working, I had the money and means to buy my own food- which I invariably had to, because my parents wouldn't buy enough food to support me once I started working and I could pay for it myself.)

Most food that is somewhat sustainable is running out. Sometimes, I'll be able to snag some of my stepdad's food before it runs out, but that doesn't happen often. Not to mention that I'm kind of weak right now, so preparing food is hard on me. Most of the time I end up eating a breakfast bar and a fruit cup and calling it good for the day, unless dinner is made.

I think I'm going to go for the offensive and start stashing food in my room so he'll have to buy more, and I can at least have some for myself.

Hundred Spirited God
February 23rd, 2014, 06:32 PM
if you cant call the athorities,or get your step mom/dad in trouble ,then i dont know what to tell you,sorry,but you said you were trying to be bought to church,if you believe in god and jesus,then pray and try to do right,as bad as your parents and step parents are and the social services being messed up where you are,its impossible to take matters into your own hands,i just thought about something,what if you go ahead and call the cops and when social services comes,you decide to stay with your best friend?

Karkat
February 23rd, 2014, 07:02 PM
if you cant call the athorities,or get your step mom/dad in trouble ,then i dont know what to tell you,sorry,but you said you were trying to be bought to church,if you believe in god and jesus,then pray and try to do right,as bad as your parents and step parents are and the social services being messed up where you are,its impossible to take matters into your own hands,i just thought about something,what if you go ahead and call the cops and when social services comes,you decide to stay with your best friend?

I can pray all I want to, but I know that God isn't going to change my situation. He might help me through it, but I feel like I need more than faith right now. I don't like going to church, because I'm afraid that they'll be able to tell that I'm being abused. I love everyone there, but I can't deal with hiding it from them as well. It doesn't feel right, but I don't have much of a choice.

All of my best friends are underage. Or they live out of state. Besides, I don't even know if the ones who aren't underage would be willing to take care of me. The only one I know for sure would is my boyfriend, and he can't afford to. He needs to get out on his own and get another job before I can even think about moving in with him. It's not his fault, he's just in kind of a bad circumstance as well. I literally have no options but to risk my chance with the system, try to somehow runaway and sustain myself for the next few months (which isn't possible for so many reasons), or stay with my parents until I turn 18 and bail.

I emptied the fridge of everything out of date and made my stepdad look at it. He tried to argue that I'd be fine living off of canned vegetables because he didn't want to get me anything, but my mom intervened and he's getting more food now. But I really need to get back to work so that if nothing else I can take care of things like this myself if I need to.

Hundred Spirited God
February 23rd, 2014, 07:15 PM
I can pray all I want to, but I know that God isn't going to change my situation. He might help me through it, but I feel like I need more than faith right now. I don't like going to church, because I'm afraid that they'll be able to tell that I'm being abused. I love everyone there, but I can't deal with hiding it from them as well. It doesn't feel right, but I don't have much of a choice.

All of my best friends are underage. Or they live out of state. Besides, I don't even know if the ones who aren't underage would be willing to take care of me. The only one I know for sure would is my boyfriend, and he can't afford to. He needs to get out on his own and get another job before I can even think about moving in with him. It's not his fault, he's just in kind of a bad circumstance as well. I literally have no options but to risk my chance with the system, try to somehow runaway and sustain myself for the next few months (which isn't possible for so many reasons), or stay with my parents until I turn 18 and bail.

I emptied the fridge of everything out of date and made my stepdad look at it. He tried to argue that I'd be fine living off of canned vegetables because he didn't want to get me anything, but my mom intervened and he's getting more food now. But I really need to get back to work so that if nothing else I can take care of things like this myself if I need to.

ok,sorry that you have to go through all of this,and is your birthday coming up? if so,i'd go with the bail,if you try to run away,things will only get worse

Karkat
February 23rd, 2014, 07:24 PM
ok,sorry that you have to go through all of this,and is your birthday coming up? if so,i'd go with the bail,if you try to run away,things will only get worse

I've still got the better portion of a year left. Livable, but at what cost? Yeah, I'm not even physically capable of running away. I'm disabled. I literally have no options. I'd literally be better off killing myself than running away, because at least I'd have control over the terms of my death.

Hundred Spirited God
February 23rd, 2014, 07:35 PM
I've still got the better portion of a year left. Livable, but at what cost? Yeah, I'm not even physically capable of running away. I'm disabled. I literally have no options. I'd literally be better off killing myself than running away, because at least I'd have control over the terms of my death.

dont kill yourself,you'll end up in hell and theres going to be endless pain,but everything will get better,your life is stressful now,but later on in your life, everything will turn out great :)

Karkat
February 23rd, 2014, 07:40 PM
dont kill yourself,you'll end up in hell and theres going to be endless pain,but everything will get better,your life is stressful now,but later on in your life, everything will turn out great :)

I don't believe in hell.

Yeah, but in the meantime, I don't even know what to do about anything...

Hundred Spirited God
February 23rd, 2014, 07:50 PM
i know its stressful,but you just have to be patient,and sometimes you cant always fix things

Karkat
February 23rd, 2014, 08:00 PM
i know its stressful,but you just have to be patient,and sometimes you cant always fix things

I guess. Thanks. :)

Hundred Spirited God
February 23rd, 2014, 08:03 PM
your welcome :),glad i could help,if you want to talk anytime,just pm me

Karkat
February 23rd, 2014, 08:23 PM
your welcome :),glad i could help,if you want to talk anytime,just pm me

Alright, thank you. :)

sweet_girl24au
February 24th, 2014, 09:14 AM
have you thought about joining the military? at least you wouldnt have to live there. you could go off an forget about all of them

Karkat
February 24th, 2014, 01:15 PM
have you thought about joining the military? at least you wouldnt have to live there. you could go off an forget about all of them

I'm anti-war, and I'm planning on getting married soon, so that wouldn't really work out. Besides, the age to join the military here is 18, so I would have to wait just as long anyways.