View Full Version : Pain

January 25th, 2017, 11:07 AM
[Sorry for my English]
So okay, I've come here. I never thought I would end up here, under 'Mental Illnesses', of all the topics. This is because I know right now that most of me is made up of anxiety. And the rest of me is equally fucked up.
Truth is that it is hard to carry on, and each waking moment is painful.
I completely hate myself.
I had a wonderful childhood though. How much I miss the place where I grew up, the friends that I had, and everything. I was carefree, high spirited, confident and fearless. That, is the real me.
I wish I could be who I was.
What happened to me?
I'm almost 18 now, and I've already lost all my hopes. I'm physically weak, 5'4", 49 kilograms, and I'm poorly built. I'm so ill shaped I can't even get proper clothes sometimes. I've gotten into college somehow but my grades reflect how terrible I am in studies. I wish I was good at something. I have no talents. I'm the greatest loser in this planet.
I really wish I was at least good at something. I have no passions. That's what worried me the most.
No matter how worthless I may feel, I can live with myself but, what actually kills me is GAD.
It is so painful.
I worry. About everything. I can't stop worrying. I really can't. The worry is so deep. I never smile. I never laugh. All I do is worry like hell. There is no reason at all for me to worry. I imagine these scenarios and I get so much trapped into them. I can't get out of my worry. There is no more happiness in my life. I spiral down deep into my worries and each day it gets worse. More and more worse. I think too much about everything. My mind gets so ruthlessly clouded by my worries. It seems I never really can stop worrying.
I can never really be in the moment. I feel fake all the time. I'm lost. I've lost my way to happiness. I don't know what will make me happy again. Nothing seems interesting. There is no life for me left. There is no warmth in my life. I never really enjoy anything.
I hate myself.
Sometimes, it is too much and I cry. It hurts me so much.
What has happened?
Am I never gonna be happy again?
This is supposed to be the happiest part of my life. I look at my friends and I see how happy they are.
What is wrong with me? God, I can't stop crying. I feel so much pain. There are no reasons for me to be alive anymore. I am completely useless and unworthy.
Sometimes I think, it is better to end this.
But no. I will carry on no matter how painful it gets. I'm gonna fight this. I should be me again. I'll find my way. Though I feel like there's no hope, I know that there is a way. I will be normal again. I'm not going to be the loser anymore.
I'm not giving up.

January 25th, 2017, 11:20 AM
I'm also a complete worrier, even if i know that something will never probably happen I still convince myself that it will and then i end up cancelling stuff and never doing the stuff i want to do. I constantly feel like a failure, like there's nothing really worth living for and i completely don't know what i'm doing with my life.
I find it sometimes helps just going for a walk,getting some fresh air, maybe you could see a therapist? Hope everything gets better for you.

January 25th, 2017, 01:57 PM
Have you seen a doctor and tried psychotherapy or meds? It sounds like your condition is severely impeding your life. It is hard to excel when you are worried and stressed all the time. If you can't see a doc perhaps you could read up and try mindfulness meditation. Was introduced to this through some workshop conducted by my school. It supposedly helps you to focus your thoughts and feel less stressed/worried when done correctly.

January 27th, 2017, 02:58 AM
Thanks for the replies :)
I havent seen the doctor. Though my parents say Im a bit too dull these days, I would never tell them.
I should try mindfulness meditation. I hope it helps me. I read up on crystalcalm.com and it seems so promising. Thanks again!
Take care, people!

Just JT
January 27th, 2017, 06:59 AM
I think bentheplayer has it right. Won't hurt to talk to a professional about how your feeling. As much as meds and therapy do suck a bag of dicks they're both productive if your invested in your participation in them.

Give it a try, just open that door a crack and see if it helps ok? It won't hurt and can't do any harm right? Maybe some good will come out of it

January 27th, 2017, 10:03 AM
If you are going to a professional, I would suggest trying therapy first before meds cos not everyone find meds helpful and may even react very badly to meds. If you are gonna do the self-help route, there are many recorded workshops on mindfulness and other methods that might be helpful.

Another technique that I was taught in school was how to step down. The idea is to gradually calm our worries by doing a specific activity before doing something stressful like major exams. Prior to the stressful activity, you should do your chosen activities daily for about at least 2 weeks. However, make sure your chosen activity isn't watching a specific animal or something similar. One of my school mates did just that and messed up. Prior to the exam, the koi fish in the school pond he would watch "disappeared" and this ended making him even more anxious for the exam cos he kept thinking of the koi. So just bear in mind that such techniques are not without pitfalls.

Hope that you will be able to navigate out of this horrible period in your life soon.

February 6th, 2017, 09:02 AM
It is never better to end it. There are so many people who would care if you were gone, me included.

Therapy has really helped me with anxiety, so I suggest that.

If you're ever feeling anxious, try this:

Name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This is effective because it puts you in control and it puts you directly in the situation itself, bringing you out of the anxious situation you've created.

Also, try mindfulness exercises. Just be aware of what's around you, not your anxiety.

Or you can pick a color/shape, and try to find everything of that color/shape in the room. For example, if you chose a square shape, try to find everything in the room that is square, or if you choose pink, find every pink thing in the room.

Counting ceiling/floor tiles or objects in a room also helps.

February 15th, 2017, 06:33 AM
Thanks for the input. I have to take the self help route coz I can't say these things to my parents.
And I'm doing fine. But I'm not as happy as my friends are, but I can function socially. Though it's hard to concentrate in my studies, I can manage. Hope things will be much better from now on.
I tried meditation but it's very hard. I can really see the benefits though. It's hard to fight anxiety, I've noticed. Ignoring it, is better. I have to unlearn the worry cycle I've taught myself. I can do it. Everybody can.