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Periphery
January 14th, 2017, 02:35 PM
Well here we are again.

I'm home alone, I'm insanely anxious and I just want to die, that's all I can think about. I'm turning 18 soon and it's giving me panic attacks just thinking about it. I have nobody to help me outside of VT, nobody in school gives a single shit if I feel bad. I've been insanely suicidal for the past month now and it's only getting worse. I just feel like I'm a bother to everyone and nobody out there would miss me if I were to dissapear. I fuck up everytime, I push everyone away from me and I feel so lonely. I'm so scared of everything, I just feel really claustrophobic and just stuck. All I want is a fresh start, to just start over again far away from here, but that will never happen. It's painful for me to wake up everyday because it's the last thing I want to. I just want to be gone, I want to dissapear because why would anyone care anyway? I just feel so lost, I can't do this anymore, I simply can't. I have no future, I have no friends in school because all they do is shit talk me and leave me alone whenever they can because who the fuck would want to be seen with me anyway? Nobody, people are ashamed of me, I'm an asshole. I act like a major dick in school while in reality I'm an overly sensitive piece of shit. I've been bullied physically for 4 years and mentally ever since I started going to school and it's still fucking happening.

Ugh I just had to vent I guess, I've been bottling up everything I'm feeling and it's just getting to me and breaking me. I just want to know what it's like to have people you can see care, people that can just give you a hug when you need one. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I've honestly lost all motivation to live and it's not coming back by the looks of it.

Anniebanannie
January 14th, 2017, 03:23 PM
It sounds like you're stuck in a bad place.

How about trying this exercise: Look at what you wrote and try to narrow down the issues without talking about causes or consequences.

Then see what you can do about dealing with them just a little bit.

See what answers you come up with.

Just JT
January 14th, 2017, 03:29 PM
Where is your family bro?
I think you need to go and talk to one of your parents bro, this is a thing.
You shouldn't be left alone like this ya no?
Just talk to them and let them know how your feeling. I'm pretty sure you'll see they do care for you and help you through this
But let us know how your doing to ok?
Because we do care for you here ok?

Periphery
January 14th, 2017, 03:33 PM
Where is your family bro?
I think you need to go and talk to one of your parents bro, this is a thing.
You shouldn't be left alone like this ya no?
Just talk to them and let them know how your feeling. I'm pretty sure you'll see they do care for you and help you through this
But let us know how your doing to ok?
Because we do care for you here ok?

My parents are fucking assholes. They are making everything even worse than it already is. I feel even worse now that they're home. I physically can't talk to them about how I feel. I simply can't.

Anniebanannie

I really don't know what to do. I've been feeling like this for years now and honestly all that happens is that I feel happy for a while and then it all crashes again because I'm not good enough and other people use me to their own advantage.

Just JT
January 14th, 2017, 04:18 PM
Well what do they do that makes it worse?
Not trying to pry just trying to get a better understanding
Sounds like a pretty big deal for you right now

Periphery
January 14th, 2017, 04:20 PM
Well what do they do that makes it worse?
Not trying to pry just trying to get a better understanding
Sounds like a pretty big deal for you right now

Blaming me for everything they do wrong. Being massive hypocrits, always looking over my shoulder, always wanting to know who I'm talking to, getting mad when I'm on my phone. I have no fucking privacy at all

Just JT
January 14th, 2017, 04:22 PM
Do you talk to a counselor or therapist or anything?

Anniebanannie
January 14th, 2017, 06:17 PM
My parents are fucking assholes. They are making everything even worse than it already is. I feel even worse now that they're home. I physically can't talk to them about how I feel. I simply can't.

Anniebanannie

I really don't know what to do. I've been feeling like this for years now and honestly all that happens is that I feel happy for a while and then it all crashes again because I'm not good enough and other people use me to their own advantage.

It does sound bad. When you're 18, will you be able to live on your own? Would it make you feel better to put some distance between you and your parents?

What about counseling? This is a whole lot to deal with on your own.

Jinglebottom
January 14th, 2017, 06:36 PM
Please don't say that Bram. :hug: (I know this is quite hypocritical coming from me) Sometimes it feels like all hope is gone, I know that feeling all too well myself unfortunately, but you should never give up. Life can always get better, and you know I'm here for you. You are not a "piece of shit" nor an asshole, I honestly can't say one bad thing about you. You are not obliged to please ANYONE but yourself, those who don't like it are missing out because I think you are such a kind person, and they're not worthy of your friendship. Remember, people come and go, and I know it hurts, but the ones who are worthy of staying in your life, will remain. The rest don't matter. I'm sorry you feel so down, a person like you deserves all the joy and happiness the world could offer. Anyways, you have my Skype and Snapchat, so don't be afraid to text me (we always are though :P).

Just JT
January 14th, 2017, 07:10 PM
Please don't say that Bram. :hug: (I know this is quite hypocritical coming from me) Sometimes it feels like all hope is gone, I know that feeling all too well myself unfortunately, but you should never give up. Life can always get better, and you know I'm here for you. You are not a "piece of shit" nor an asshole, I honestly can't say one bad thing about you. You are not obliged to please ANYONE but yourself, those who don't like it are missing out because I think you are such a kind person, and they're not worthy of your friendship. Remember, people come and go, and I know it hurts, but the ones who are worthy of staying in your life, will remain. The rest don't matter. I'm sorry you feel so down, a person like you deserves all the joy and happiness the world could offer. Anyways, you have my Skype and Snapchat, so don't be afraid to text me (we always are though :P).

I'll be honest, I don't know either one of you guys really great. Yeah we all talked and stuff. And since you brought this to here I should make it a priority on my part to get to know you guys better than I do, like you guys know each other.

It's one thing to post encouraging words like I have. But it's something different when a known close friend who's experiencing the same kinda stuff reaches out to you

End of day Bram you got friends here....we should talk more and help each other more bro

But we need you to reply to

Dalcourt
January 14th, 2017, 11:21 PM
As Just JT said above you have your friends here. If you feel you can't talk to your parents talk to those people here. Things will get better...even though you will always have times in your life where you feel like you do now.

Periphery
January 15th, 2017, 02:20 AM
Thank you, all of you, I really appreciate it. It's just that I feel so anxious all the time. I haven't had breakfast once this past month because I feel so lonely and horrible in the mornings that I simply can't get myself to eat. I've lost quite a bit of weight because of the anxiety and my mom noticed.

Just JT I actually have a therapist but I can't see her anymore. I have to call for an appointment and that'll have my mom get extra worried, ask me about everything and don't allow me to be on my phone at all, which may happen eventually by the looks of it.

Anniebanannie I'm moving out in september for college actually, but that's still far away and I'm really not sure if I'll make it to next school year anymore.

Just JT
January 15th, 2017, 06:59 AM
You can call your therapist without mom. You have privacy rights. And if you ask your mom won't/can't be told. She might find out later or something though.

Eat anything in tha morning. Even if just an apple or something.
Even something small will get you moving feeling better and make you feel hungry or like eating more

Just try that and see how that goes ok?

Periphery
January 15th, 2017, 01:42 PM
You can call your therapist without mom. You have privacy rights. And if you ask your mom won't/can't be told. She might find out later or something though.

Eat anything in tha morning. Even if just an apple or something.
Even something small will get you moving feeling better and make you feel hungry or like eating more

Just try that and see how that goes ok?

It's not that easy. My therapist is my neighbour and when I go my mom will know because she'll see me leave and I can't just leave the house. I'm literally too anxious to eat honestly, I simply can't

Just JT
January 15th, 2017, 10:11 PM
I'm sorry bro, I'm sorry I can't help.with that
But please know I/we are here for you to talk ok?

LRSSS02
January 15th, 2017, 11:24 PM
Do you take anxiety medicine because I do , if not ask your parents to bring you to the doctor and see if you need them

Periphery
January 16th, 2017, 01:21 AM
I'm so done honestly. I wake up from horrible nightmares each morning feeling all alone and isolated. I have to go to school by bike and people are saying I've been really reckless in traffic and they joke around that I'm blind but in reality I'm doing it on purpose hoping a car may hit me. I don't want to go to school but I have to and I hate it. I'm scared it's coming to the point where I'm just going to throw myself infront of one.
LRSSS02
I can't see a doctor because of my parents, I'm stuck here. I can't get meds without them going apeshit.
Just JT
I appreciate you replying, I really do, thank you.

LRSSS02
January 16th, 2017, 11:23 AM
I'm sorry about your situation

Just JT
January 16th, 2017, 05:24 PM
Ok bro look, I'm not trying to pry ok? You have your right to privacy here but I'm just guna say this

I'm pretty sure we live in the same country right?
You have rights to your own privacy with a doctor
Nobody needs to know but you
You can just call a doc and talk, they'll figure it out for you
Yiur neighbor is yiur shrink?
Bro that's just to close for comfort.
Anyways, go and talk. If mom n dad sees you so fuckin what
You need someone to talk to and that's all they need to know
Do this for you

Periphery
January 17th, 2017, 01:06 AM
Just JT I live at the other side of the ocean actually. I simply can't do it because of my parents. They'll take away all of my privacy. I can't use my phone without having them ask who I'm talking so. If they catch me on VT I'll lose that and everyone I care about. I can't lose that, I don't want to lose my only privacy I still have. I just feel so empty, what's the point anymore? Every day is a struggle not to kill myself honestly, it really is.

rioo
January 17th, 2017, 10:02 AM
May I ask, do u have sibling or related family u can talk with?
I'm sorry with ur situation, but dont give up.

Periphery
January 17th, 2017, 11:47 AM
May I ask, do u have sibling or related family u can talk with?
I'm sorry with ur situation, but dont give up.

Well I can talk to my cousins but I have a lot of trouble opening up. We're all close and everything but I just can't tell them, it's too hard.

Dalcourt
January 20th, 2017, 06:09 AM
You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I'm just wondering one thing. Why are your parents so controlling and take away so much of your privacy?
Is there some special reason for it. Did you give them a reason not to trust you?
It would be easier to help or give advice?

Periphery
January 20th, 2017, 10:33 AM
You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I'm just wondering one thing. Why are your parents so controlling and take away so much of your privacy?
Is there some special reason for it. Did you give them a reason not to trust you?
It would be easier to help or give advice?

It's something that happened 2 years ago but I'd rather not talk about that. They really don't trust me anymore. If they find out that I talk to "strangers" they'll kill me

Dalcourt
January 20th, 2017, 10:57 AM
It's something that happened 2 years ago but I'd rather not talk about that. They really don't trust me anymore. If they find out that I talk to "strangers" they'll kill me

I see...well these trust issues your parents have with you now obviously are a major point. I don't think that you will be able to really work on your problems with those in the room. From what I read here on VT it's highly unlikely that you will be able to talk with them and work on it to regain their trust somehow. This would of course be the ideal solution to further work on your other problems.
So you can just muster up all your strength to go on till you are old enough to move out. Then you are free to find a therapist and/ or medication that suits you and tackle all anxieties and other issues.
I know it's not too great of a future to look to but at least it's a small glimpse of hope if you make it there.

I will spare you any further pep talk cuz honestly it would just be hypocritical in the state I'm myself at the moment.

Periphery
January 29th, 2017, 10:29 AM
I honestly can't do this anymore. All I want to is to die and I can't think of anything else. I am never happy, because all that made me happy is gone. I feel so worthless and weak and I just don't want to live anymore. I'm home alone and yeah, sorry if I don't make it through the day. Thanks to everyone who was there for me but I can't fight this anymore

Just JT
January 29th, 2017, 11:17 AM
Hey so maybe call someone like one of your cousins. Maybe ask them to come over and just chillax with you a while and play a video game or something. Sometimes having someone there with you is all the difference

Tobyisnotdead
January 29th, 2017, 01:46 PM
If youre young you still have time to get your shit together. Also just know there are people who will like you for you. Also know that adversity makes a better person of all of us. Just know that people who off themselves are never happy with the results.

bpk1234
January 29th, 2017, 05:31 PM
Every human on this earth has a place and you do! Your here for a reason man. You have a purpose.

PLEASE don't even think about suicide. That would not be fair to your family. Life goes on you WILL get through this rough period in your life. Taking your own life solves nothing. You need to talk with someone whether it be your parents or a conselor. NEVER suffer alone.

I can assure you that almost every teenager on this site has some of struggle that makes them loose hope. It doesn't matter how you get through it, it matters that you get through it. You will be so much stronger on the other side of this rough period.

You got this! Be strong for everyone on this site.

Periphery
February 3rd, 2017, 04:16 PM
If youre young you still have time to get your shit together. Also just know there are people who will like you for you. Also know that adversity makes a better person of all of us. Just know that people who off themselves are never happy with the results.

I've thrown away all of my teen years. I'm turning 18 in 16 days and I don't want to turn 18. It's something I'm dreading and honestly I just want to die before that day.

I've become highly dependant on alcohol again which was also the case during last summer. It barely even makes me happy anymore yet I need it. I am craving it 24/7 and when I get beer or any type of alcohol I can't stop drinking.

I'm so ashamed of myself and I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't be happy

Dalcourt
February 5th, 2017, 07:29 AM
I've thrown away all of my teen years. I'm turning 18 in 16 days and I don't want to turn 18. It's something I'm dreading and honestly I just want to die before that day.

I've become highly dependant on alcohol again which was also the case during last summer. It barely even makes me happy anymore yet I need it. I am craving it 24/7 and when I get beer or any type of alcohol I can't stop drinking.

I'm so ashamed of myself and I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't be happy

You posted this a view days ago. How do you feel now? Still that bad? Turning 18 can be scary but do you really wanna die? I mean yes life is shit and there are so many bad goings around but still...I personally always try to find some happiness in small trivial things it usually works for a lil time.... The alcohol thing...just don't overdo it okay...so yeah basically just a lil reminder from me that we are here and we care.

Just JT
February 5th, 2017, 08:39 AM
I agree with Peanut_
It's a tough time fight now. Lots of changes happening to. Lots of uncertainty. But just try and see past some of that so you can see a litttle good for right now
It will get better in time. Offing yourself isn't reversable, and we do care. Not just saying that either.

auser_name
February 5th, 2017, 07:57 PM
I'm sorry to hear this and sadly I wont be much help. All I can say is I empathise entirely. How I envy those who can wake with a smile on their face very morning. I guess I want to say, you're not alone. Hang in there. People care. you may not of met these people yet, but they are out there. they do care.

Periphery
February 6th, 2017, 01:26 AM
I appreciate the care, I really do so thank you. I used to be happy for like 3 months last year but that all went to shit and honestly that's the main reason why I'm like this. I had a good life, I was able to smile but that's all gone. I'm dependant on alcohol to make me even remotely happy and it made me realise how pathetic I really am.

Peanut_ Still the same honestly. I really can't find anything to make me happy anymore. I have no motivation for anything and honestly driving to school everyday through traffic is a nightmare for the current mental state I'm in.

parhelion
February 6th, 2017, 09:16 AM
Please don't do this...do you have any family or trusted adults you can talk to?

Just JT
February 6th, 2017, 05:32 PM
I appreciate the care, I really do so thank you. I used to be happy for like 3 months last year but that all went to shit and honestly that's the main reason why I'm like this. I had a good life, I was able to smile but that's all gone. I'm dependant on alcohol to make me even remotely happy and it made me realise how pathetic I really am.

You are not pathetic. You are a loved human being.

I think what you said above is something you need
To take a look at more. When you were happy, why? And what happened that changed that.

I know you probably don't want to talk about that publicly. You've said that.
But seems to me this is where all these feelings are
Coming from. And if not going to talk about it here (that's fine you don't it's your choice) you still need to irl. What ever that means for you.

And as impossible as that may seem, start with parents or who ever. Make that phone call, see a doctor, let your parents know. So they find out and don't like it.

It's abot you and getting better, and that's it. Comes down to it your health and happiness over theirs? It's your choice......

Seems to me that their already doing it to you, so no love lost there huh?

Dalcourt
February 6th, 2017, 10:20 PM
I appreciate the care, I really do so thank you. I used to be happy for like 3 months last year but that all went to shit and honestly that's the main reason why I'm like this. I had a good life, I was able to smile but that's all gone. I'm dependant on alcohol to make me even remotely happy and it made me realise how pathetic I really am.

Peanut_ Still the same honestly. I really can't find anything to make me happy anymore. I have no motivation for anything and honestly driving to school everyday through traffic is a nightmare for the current mental state I'm in.

Oh well...don't try to get killed in an accident. I was in a very severe car accident in fall and not even that one killed me. It just multiplied my problems since I am in constant pain now in addition to my other troubles.

And don't say you are pathetic you aren't. Trying to find happiness is hard and I'm not sure how someone from the outside can help you there. To hear from others that it will get better sometimes makes it even worse so I won't tell you that.
I will just tell you that if you are prepared not to give up and work on it in small steps you have the key to get better in your own hands.

Periphery
February 8th, 2017, 01:27 AM
parhelion I can't. I can't even contact my therapist anymore and I physically can't talk to my parents.
Just JT I know what happened, and nothing can change that. Irl I have nobody to talk to. Nobody in my school knows me on a personal level and they sure as hell won't care if I were to dissapear. I can't talk to my parents it'll make them even more worried, they'll bombard me with questions and they'll be even more controlling, it'll make things worse.