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devotionnel
January 1st, 2017, 05:09 PM
Most of my concerns are stated in the title but I need to kinda give a bit of an outlook on this.

My mum and dad are divorced etc so I stay at the houses at fixed intervals, primarily at my mum's house and then certain days at my dad's place.

My mum is very carefree as a parent, which is kinda good because I can be who I want when I'm there. I can wear guys/girls clothes as I see fit, if she's with me when I go clothes shopping she will see me buy guys clothes etc and will be completely fine with it. If I got a girlfriend, I'm 100% sure she would be fine with me telling her as if I got a boyfriend (I'm not out and I don't find it necessary to tell her as such until I have a girlfriend). She just lets me be however I want to be, which is perfect.

My dad on the other hand is the exact opposite. I have separate clothes for each of their houses, and he absolutely doesn't let me buy guys or unisex/gender neutral clothing. He says "you don't want to look like a guy, right?" and will take me to some more feminine clothing stores or pick out more feminine clothes for me. He is incredibly homophobic and transphobic, he is repulsed when my stepmum merely mentions her friend, who happens to be lesbian, even if it isn't about her sexual orientation or anything similar. When there is an LGBT+ couple on the television, he will retch and change the channel instantly and give a lecture about how "it's not natural" and how all gays should be sent to conversion clinics.

I'm pretty sure it's just uncanny how his only daughter is pan, and I'm certain that I can't come out to him or tell him I have a girlfriend if I got one because he would just easily disown me or be really, really mad. He wouldn't change his ways, he's very stubborn.

It just makes me feel really confused and trapped almost that I can't feel myself when I'm there, especially with the clothing thing. Is there anything I can do to combat it or make it so I can at least try and wear more gender neutral clothing while there?

Just JT
January 1st, 2017, 08:06 PM
I'm really sorry your dad is like that

I think there's no way to combat your plight. You are who you are. You've never changed from the day you were born. Other than learning about life with your parents help and direction.

Seems dad has the issue.
I'm sure this is guna be hard cause I'm sure you love him a lot. But I'd just wear the clothes you like and leave that alone. If he don't like it he's only building a wall. And when he's ready to remove that wall he'll know where to find you. Till then you'll be happier I'd hope. Either way, only one of you will be happy. So make yourself happy first. Even though he's your dad, if he really loves you, and wants to be a part of your life and you to be happy. He'll adjust to it, or be only distant himself from you

pconnor
January 1st, 2017, 09:13 PM
I do feel sorry for you and also that I cannot offer any advice.

devotionnel
January 2nd, 2017, 12:02 PM
Till then you'll be happier I'd hope. Either way, only one of you will be happy. So make yourself happy first. Even though he's your dad, if he really loves you, and wants to be a part of your life and you to be happy. He'll adjust to it, or be only distance himself from you.

I'm just scared he's not going to be accepting of who I am and will try and do anything in his power to make me feel differently about my sexuality and/or gender. It's not going to work, obviously, and that's just going to make him more mad. He has a very short temper too so I feel for certain that he is just going to start shouting at me instantly.

Just JT
January 2nd, 2017, 12:28 PM
Your probably right. I mean....not going to sugar coat this for you. You know him best, he's your dad.

And it's not an easy thing to do. But when you do, then his reaction just won't mean anything to you at that point. His anger, opinion, acceptance, or support just won't have any meaning to you. Cause it's like a freeing thing. And yiur being kept in a box. And when you push that box open, yiur not guna care what's on the other side.

In the end you both may loose no matter what you do. On one hand, your trapped, afraid of all those things. And he'll never know his own son. And if he reacts the way you suspect, you'll be you, happier, but potentially not dad in your life or at least not the way you want. And he'll never know his own son.

And if/when you do come out, and if/when he reacts that way...I think it'll be temporary. And he'll see you for who you are, and the courage that took. It might take him a while. You'll both loose short term. But he'll get it at some point that if he doesn't accept you for the good strong person you are, he'll never know his own son.

I know it's not easy, but do you see the common potential outcomes?
Not much difference is there?

devotionnel
January 2nd, 2017, 12:40 PM
I know it's not easy, but do you see the common potential outcomes?
Not much difference is there?

yeah, I think it's just with the addition that he has absolutely no knowledge of the LGBT+ community... at all. It would actually be easier to say I feel like I'm a guy or something a little more known such as transgender, but if I start throwing around words such as the thing I feel like I identify as - androgynous - he's not gonna understand it. And when he doesn't understand, he gets madder and doesn't give me an opportunity to sit him down and educate him on it because it's just not gonna go in his narrow-minded head.

Ah well, like you say, I'm pretty sure it's just not gonna sink in and it could be a loss. I mean, my stepmother would accept it easily. She'd be so happy for me because she wants my happiness. My dad isn't as easy to please.

Just JT
January 2nd, 2017, 02:17 PM
Why not get some like brochures on it and just leave a couple around the house. He'll read and ask. Maybe if he brings it up it'll be easier, instead of someone else trying explain it. Maybe that way he'll feel like he knows some about it and won't get angry

jamie_n5
January 2nd, 2017, 05:06 PM
I feel for you a lot. My parents really freaked out when I came out especially my dad. He even called me a freak of nature. They eventually came around and accepted me. Are you positive you are Pan and not Transgender or Bi? Any way I am so hopeful for you and wish you luck at whatever decision that you make. Just be strong and be yourself and I think things will be alright.

NewLeafsFan
January 4th, 2017, 05:36 AM
Its really unfortunate thst your dad is like that. It is probably a good thing for you that your parents are living in dufferent places. From where I sit it looks like your options are limited:

1. Hide you feelings from your father. Just dont tell him about your feeling or your sexual relationships.

2. Tell him how you feel. If he isnt accepting dont mention it to him again and dont introduce him to your dates. If he continues to be rude limit your time with him.

3. Tell him that you find his remarks again gays very sad and that you would never exclude someone based only on their sexual desires. If he continues to be rude limit your time with him.

I want you to realize that you might not always be able to have a relationship with your dad. I hope i helped. Good luck!

devotionnel
January 4th, 2017, 05:50 AM
Are you positive you are Pan and not Transgender or Bi? Any way I am so hopeful for you and wish you luck at whatever decision that you make.

Yeah, I'm pretty of my sexual orientation. It's just my gender that I'm currently questioning due to the fact that I may be agender/androgyne. I'm pretty sure that I don't feel like a male or a female at this point in time. But who knows...


1. Hide you feelings from your father. Just dont tell him about your feeling or your sexual relationships.
[...]
I want you to realize that you might not always be able to have a relationship with your dad. I hope i helped. Good luck!

I definitely feel like the first option may be my only one if I am to continue with having a somewhat decent relationship with my dad's side of the family. I think I will just have to come to terms with it and come to acceptance over time - there are many things I hide from my dad anyway because he is not very accepting :rolleyes: I sure hope that he realises that this new surge of LGBTQ coming into public view isn't going to fade over time and that he can at least not be so hateful towards the community.

Microcosm
January 4th, 2017, 07:06 AM
twentyonehorizons,

His opinions won't likely change as you said, and your orientations won't likely change as you said. The only solution would be getting your dad to find a way to tolerate you by understanding the aforementioned truth. Rhetoric can help here. Try to find a value or belief that you and him have in common. For instance, if you were both Christian, base your responses to his comments or anger on that by saying something like "You and I both believe in God, right? He wouldn't want us to argue or let this drive a wedge between us. We should try to avoid talking about it." This sort of response will drive him into a corner because any response negating your argument sounds like he's going against the will of God.

Just something to try if the situation gets more serious and he does start yelling.

Just JT
January 4th, 2017, 04:43 PM
And I think you look fine in the clothes you wear IMO